I'm at a loss... - 12/29/03 09:46 PM
Here's my unfortunate weekend story...
On Friday night I succumbed to my urges for pics on the internet and spent about an hour. I removed them from my pc as I was disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen.
The next morning I picked up my W from work and she was telling me about her rough night. After she got that off her chest she asked me if I was good last night. I admitted that I regretfully looked at porn that night and she blew up at me. She had hoped that I would come forward with the information rather than she having to ask me. She got depressed and stayed in bed all day Saturday.
Then Saturday night we had an even bigger blow up. I started to lose my cool after having many, many accusations and assumptions leveled at me. I'm never good at rebutting her arguments. I tried to ignore her and not say a word back but I couldn't take it anymore and hopped out of bed to read the Bible. She immediately said that if I didnt' come back here she is getting a D. She added that I was pushing her away from Christianity. I doubted that as she became a Christian long before I did. After reading a bit she was still making assumptions and I couldn't concentrate on the Bible.
I had bought Kim Cattral's "Satisfaction" book so that we both could work together on our sex life. She accused me of buying it for the pics in the book. Believe me, the book was shrink-wrapped and so I couldn't tell if it did have pics or not.
The last thing she said to me that touched it off was for me to go to that b*tch, the OW and s*ck her p*ssy. I screamed at her to shut up hopped out of bed and slapped the bedroom door. I was so enraged that I wanted to smash things. I was going to head down to the spare bedroom and get my suitcase and then she opened the bedroom door and said that if I didn't get back to her on my knees she would file on Monday. I screamed even louder and ran upstairs, got on my knees and yelled divorce sarcasms at her until my voice was gone. She kept saying "You don't get it, you just don't get it!" "You still don't fear God!!!"
The thing that weighs the most on my mind now is that she said that I have put into motion her early death (complications from Lupus - her anti-DNA went up the last time we had a blowup) and I can't stop it, regardless of whether we D or we stay together. There is a passage in the Bible about one's actions causing another brother/sister to fall. She pointed that out to me, saying that I'm that close to driving her away from Christianity. I was so close to getting a D and being free to pursue the OW and yet I didn't allow that to happen.
Somehow we regained our composure by 2:00am and slept together. At the moment there is peace, but I could tell it is an uneasy peace. I have set up Norton Internet Security on both pcs and I just need to get her to put a password in to block out undesireable sites. Of course she chewed me out for not doing this early on but hindsight is 20/20. We're back to hugging and kissing again but I know she is holding back, protecting herself from me. She pointed out that each month I do something majorly stupid to get her goat...she now thinks that I do it on purpose....
It's getting so that I'm starting not to care whether I should stay in this marriage or not anymore....She wants me to do things to prove that I'm serious in rebuilding my marriage and yet she won't define what those might be. I'm at a loss...
On Friday night I succumbed to my urges for pics on the internet and spent about an hour. I removed them from my pc as I was disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen.
The next morning I picked up my W from work and she was telling me about her rough night. After she got that off her chest she asked me if I was good last night. I admitted that I regretfully looked at porn that night and she blew up at me. She had hoped that I would come forward with the information rather than she having to ask me. She got depressed and stayed in bed all day Saturday.
Then Saturday night we had an even bigger blow up. I started to lose my cool after having many, many accusations and assumptions leveled at me. I'm never good at rebutting her arguments. I tried to ignore her and not say a word back but I couldn't take it anymore and hopped out of bed to read the Bible. She immediately said that if I didnt' come back here she is getting a D. She added that I was pushing her away from Christianity. I doubted that as she became a Christian long before I did. After reading a bit she was still making assumptions and I couldn't concentrate on the Bible.
I had bought Kim Cattral's "Satisfaction" book so that we both could work together on our sex life. She accused me of buying it for the pics in the book. Believe me, the book was shrink-wrapped and so I couldn't tell if it did have pics or not.
The last thing she said to me that touched it off was for me to go to that b*tch, the OW and s*ck her p*ssy. I screamed at her to shut up hopped out of bed and slapped the bedroom door. I was so enraged that I wanted to smash things. I was going to head down to the spare bedroom and get my suitcase and then she opened the bedroom door and said that if I didn't get back to her on my knees she would file on Monday. I screamed even louder and ran upstairs, got on my knees and yelled divorce sarcasms at her until my voice was gone. She kept saying "You don't get it, you just don't get it!" "You still don't fear God!!!"
The thing that weighs the most on my mind now is that she said that I have put into motion her early death (complications from Lupus - her anti-DNA went up the last time we had a blowup) and I can't stop it, regardless of whether we D or we stay together. There is a passage in the Bible about one's actions causing another brother/sister to fall. She pointed that out to me, saying that I'm that close to driving her away from Christianity. I was so close to getting a D and being free to pursue the OW and yet I didn't allow that to happen.
Somehow we regained our composure by 2:00am and slept together. At the moment there is peace, but I could tell it is an uneasy peace. I have set up Norton Internet Security on both pcs and I just need to get her to put a password in to block out undesireable sites. Of course she chewed me out for not doing this early on but hindsight is 20/20. We're back to hugging and kissing again but I know she is holding back, protecting herself from me. She pointed out that each month I do something majorly stupid to get her goat...she now thinks that I do it on purpose....
It's getting so that I'm starting not to care whether I should stay in this marriage or not anymore....She wants me to do things to prove that I'm serious in rebuilding my marriage and yet she won't define what those might be. I'm at a loss...