Here's my unfortunate weekend story...

On Friday night I succumbed to my urges for pics on the internet and spent about an hour. I removed them from my pc as I was disgusted with myself for allowing this to happen.
The next morning I picked up my W from work and she was telling me about her rough night. After she got that off her chest she asked me if I was good last night. I admitted that I regretfully looked at porn that night and she blew up at me. She had hoped that I would come forward with the information rather than she having to ask me. She got depressed and stayed in bed all day Saturday.

Then Saturday night we had an even bigger blow up. I started to lose my cool after having many, many accusations and assumptions leveled at me. I'm never good at rebutting her arguments. I tried to ignore her and not say a word back but I couldn't take it anymore and hopped out of bed to read the Bible. She immediately said that if I didnt' come back here she is getting a D. She added that I was pushing her away from Christianity. I doubted that as she became a Christian long before I did. After reading a bit she was still making assumptions and I couldn't concentrate on the Bible.

I had bought Kim Cattral's "Satisfaction" book so that we both could work together on our sex life. She accused me of buying it for the pics in the book. Believe me, the book was shrink-wrapped and so I couldn't tell if it did have pics or not.
The last thing she said to me that touched it off was for me to go to that b*tch, the OW and s*ck her p*ssy. I screamed at her to shut up hopped out of bed and slapped the bedroom door. I was so enraged that I wanted to smash things. I was going to head down to the spare bedroom and get my suitcase and then she opened the bedroom door and said that if I didn't get back to her on my knees she would file on Monday. I screamed even louder and ran upstairs, got on my knees and yelled divorce sarcasms at her until my voice was gone. She kept saying "You don't get it, you just don't get it!" "You still don't fear God!!!"

The thing that weighs the most on my mind now is that she said that I have put into motion her early death (complications from Lupus - her anti-DNA went up the last time we had a blowup) and I can't stop it, regardless of whether we D or we stay together. There is a passage in the Bible about one's actions causing another brother/sister to fall. She pointed that out to me, saying that I'm that close to driving her away from Christianity. I was so close to getting a D and being free to pursue the OW and yet I didn't allow that to happen.

Somehow we regained our composure by 2:00am and slept together. At the moment there is peace, but I could tell it is an uneasy peace. I have set up Norton Internet Security on both pcs and I just need to get her to put a password in to block out undesireable sites. Of course she chewed me out for not doing this early on but hindsight is 20/20. We're back to hugging and kissing again but I know she is holding back, protecting herself from me. She pointed out that each month I do something majorly stupid to get her goat...she now thinks that I do it on purpose....
It's getting so that I'm starting not to care whether I should stay in this marriage or not anymore....She wants me to do things to prove that I'm serious in rebuilding my marriage and yet she won't define what those might be. I'm at a loss...

Mr. Miew,
I will pray for you brother. Give me some time to think on this. I don't want to come off harsh, BUT, you need to snap into shape and quick.
I fell over thelast week watching lite-porn on cable. Thing was, I didn't even get excited. I just stared at it and wished it was me and my W. But, and this is important, it opened the door to Satan having a feast on my soul this past week. I have to work extra hard to keep weird and lustful thoughts out of my head. But, I am winning this battle against him because I have God on my side.

Last week I saw a movie that was not really all that Christian, in fact I think it was the same day (night) I watched the porn later. The movie was, "Meet Joe Dirt" staring with David Spade. Stupid movie, but, one line stuck out in my mind later on that I think might help you. "Is that what you want to be dointg when Jesus comes for you." Interesting thought to keep in your head, huh?

As for the cyber-porn, how can I put this. CUT IT OUT! NOW!
Do you feel by her telling you to not do it, she is CONTROLLING you? If so, I have news for, SHE'S NOT CONTROLLING YOU, SHE LOVES YOU AND YOU DOING THAT HURTS HER DEEPLY.

We have too much in common so, I will tell you IMVHO, when I think you are flirting with disaster. YOU ARE FLIRTING WITH DIVORCE - THE WORST DISASTER YOUR MARRIAGE COULD HAVE. And Satan is just realing you in for more. Look how he has you saying.... </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's getting so that I'm starting not to care whether I should stay in this marriage or not anymore....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just some of the confusion he loves to throw at us. Read my posting Question for the Female BS's Out There to see hwo Satan played with me this past week.

Look, Brother, I love you and I know what you are going through, bin there-done that. Ask for God's strength. Ask for the fruits of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

As for your W not setting parameters for you in saving your M. You already know what you SHOULDN'T be doing. Concentrate on that first and God will show you the rest.

God's Grace,
ttsmm

Mr Miew,

What your wife wants is to be number one in your life. She was created by God to love you, not to be rejected by you. She feels rejected because you won't change. She was anticipating a progress report. She wants to get past the past. Why don't you get rid of the stupid computers all together! I'd throw that stupid book by Kim Cattrell in the garbage. Your sex life will be fine when you get the rest of it right. Why not spend a little time buying her something at nite. What would happen if you gave her flowers when you picked her up? She IS YOUR covenant wife!!!! This is the marriage that God will bless!!! As your friend..... WAKE UP!!!!

singleguy

Thank you Trying, yes I did read your other thread. I had originally posted this under it but I felt I shouldn't shanghai it with my posting.

Singleguy, thanks for your ideas but she is turned off on bouquets of flowers...to her its a symbol of a litany of wrongdoings on my part over the years.

The Norton program should do the trick but she was wondering what would stop me from dropping by an internet cafe or watching stupid tv programs?

I tell you guys, I'm numbed by the whole weekend experience. I've never felt this way before but maybe I needed to be shocked to the core. Despite reading the everyman's book it is so much like a drug addiction...looking for the next high...but now I feel so numb that when I get home after work tonight I have no desire to flip on the pc....not even for email. Before, coming home to an empty house before the W gets home from work was something that I didn't like as it was sometimes open season on me by Satan.

<small>[ December 29, 2003, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: Mr.Miew ]</small>

Mr. Miew,

SG is right on the money with what he has told you. Your W wants to be # 1 with you. After God, she should be.

Sg wasn't just suggesting flowers, he was suggesting that you understnad your W and get her something you know will suprise her and make her happy. It's easy to find all the things she will not like, you need to find the stuff she will appreciate.

Regarding the porn... you really need to get a handle on it. Take extreme measures and show your W what you doning to combat it. If it means no computer or blocking all the channels that show anything that gets pulls you away from her then do it. Get rid of the cable if necessary. She her she is much more important to you than all of that. Show everyone around you and her that she is #1 in your life. Prove it to yourself, your W and the world how important she is to you.

And you got to stop with the LB's. Sh eis hurt... you hurt her deeply. She is allowed to have those feelings. Let her know she is allowed Then help her past it. Be an open book to her. Yes you told her that you viewed porn. She's upset, not because you told her, but because she still isn't #1. She will appreciate your honesty when the report gets better. Don't only tell her the bad stuff either. Let her know you have successes too. Both of you need to know the successes. Journal your days both good and bad. You'll start seeinga difference (trust me).

It is open season on you from Satan; as long as you let him have a foothold. Viewing porn and not being the "Eph 5:25 man" is what gives him the foothold. One decision at a time you will get better at it.

Thanks for posting. Thought you might have left us here.

Praying blessing for you.

S&C

S&C,

You are preaching brother!!!! The heavens are a stirring at the power of your message. I stand with you and back you all the way!!!!

Please listen to him, Mr Miew. God said that a [YOUR] wife is a gift from God Himself. FIGURE THAT OUT!!!!

singleguy

Great counsel, brothers, and I 100% agree with you!

S&C, thank you for your insight and thank you brothers for rebuking me. I love you guys! I know what my goals are now.

I told my W last night that I was still numbed to the core by her comments and I think that is a good thing. I set up the supervisor passwords on the pc's last night and she was happy that I did that but still disappointed that I had not done this earlier when I had a chance. She slept most of the day today in preparation for work tonight. She's quite tired and I feel that my outburst was the cause. We talked last night and she asked me what really happened? She said I was doing quite well up until the porn. (I think I should read to her the part in the Everyman's Battle book about what makes men go to porn.) Then she asked me if I love her more than she loves me. I really had to think about that before answering just so I know what she meant. When we were first going out I loved her more than she loved me. I replied that considering what has transpired this year I would think that she loved me more than I loved her. Anyways she wants its to be what it was like when we first got married and I agreed, so that is a good start.

I feel alot stronger today, none of that foreboding feeling that would come on when I know that I'll be left alone at home.

Shaking those thoughts of the OW is the toughest. W asked me if I ever did love the OW. I know that it was lust but there was also the connection on the emotional and intellectual level as well. Bottom line is, I think it was simply lust.

Everyman's Battle mentions about men and porn and I just have to keep myself busy. All in all, we both agreed that I really have to work even more harder than ever to make the marriage work.

God bless you all!

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: Mr.Miew ]</small>