Marriage Builders®
Posted By: Shul help me to understand - 11/24/04 02:03 PM
I am confused.

I don't really know what is going on wiht my H right now.

He has been coming around, and we were intimate. He would stay over etc.

But he said that he was afraid it was giving me false hope. He said he wan't saying there was hope , or that there wasn't; just that he didn't want me to think that it implied that there was.

He has been staying at our house. If he was really involved with ow , wouldn't he be living with her?

He has been talking about fixing the house. Why would he bother if he was planning to be with her?

The other night he came over, and I thought he was going to stay, he was in bed. He got upset because I was 'staring' at him. Before he left he said some things. He kept saying "you know what is going on"...

But I don't really. I don't know if he is uncomfortable b/c he feels bad for leaving us, for the abuse, for not supporting us, or if it is b/c of the ow, or what.

I told him that I wanted to talk to him, and he said, "to tell me that I am on the path to destruction?"

He said " think of me as the seed that fell on ground where there was no soil".

But this is the fault of the dead churches we went to. He was not fed, or cared for- his wounds were not bound up or tended to.

He really tried, but then he gave up.

He called the next morning to say good morning and to apologise for being an a****** (his words).

Then last night he called to ask how it was going. It was not going well. Daughter was teased at school and there were tears etc. and I was upset too. I had been crying wehn he called.

He came over. He played with D, and then said he will start spending more time with her- not every day, but often.

He said "I'm not staying". He kissed me on the cheek and left.

He was not as affectionate as he has been.

I don't know what all this means.

Should I try to talk to him and find out what he is thinking?

I wonder if the ow has been making plans for the two of them. She is very manipulative, but in a very subtle way.

Anyway, I told him that I am not asking him to be a meal ticket, or expecting him to move in , or planning to move in with him. I told him that I like being with him, and that i am not coercing him to be with me, that its not a trick to trap him. I did say that it feels disrespectful when he comes here, has a shower and sex and leaves right away. (Its not really that- its that he doesn't talk to me.there is no closeness.)

I need insight.

Posted By: Richard F Re: help me to understand - 11/25/04 06:03 AM
Hi Shul,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shul:
<strong>H said that he was afraid it was giving me false hope. He said he wan't saying there was hope , or that there wasn't; just that he didn't want me to think that it implied that there was.

He has been staying at our house. If he was really involved with ow, wouldn't he be living with her?

He has been talking about fixing the house. Why would he bother if he was planning to be with her?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All good questions. Not being inside his head, I don't know for certain, but I have a suspicion....

I wonder if perhaps he is feeling guilty. He knows that he needs to take time for himself, but he also has (or believes he has) "physical" needs that must be met. Because he hasn't yet comitted to repairing the marriage in his own head (or at least not 100%), he doesn't want to hurt you more by letting you think that he has.

Actually, I suspect that the fact he is being so "honest" may be a good sign - even though I imagine it hurts greatly to have suspicions that he is still unsure.

The fact that he said "think of me as the seed that fell on ground where there was no soil" may be indicative of self-esteem issues. I know that I occasionally feel the same way. I did what I had always promised myself (and others) I would not do. Even knowing it was wrong. Even having the chance to "opt out" - the OW was late on two of the three occasions we met and I was late on the other giving her the same opporunity. Realizing that I had fallen so far and hurt my W so badly was devastating (although my W still doesn't believe that because of the way I handle my emotions). I still occasionally wonder if I have done the right thing by staying in the marriage. That's not because I don't *want* to stay, but because I don't know if my W would be better able to recover (and therefore happier) without me.

Be strong. God has a plan... and I can't help but think the fact that your H is at least *trying* is a good sign. Certainly you should continue to be honest with him though - letting him know that using you for sex is disrespectful was the right thing to do.

I hope and pray things get better soon. You are in my prayers (and those of everyone else here, I am sure).

God Bless,
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 11/25/04 06:43 AM
Thankyou Richard.

I get the feeling that he is coming closer to me a little at a time, and sort of protecting himself by having a place to run to (the house) if it gets uncomfortable.

Maybe this is a good thing, that he won't feel trapped so much, and he can feel like he has some control over things while he risks being around me, being open with me.

Maybe the house is a safety net for him. Maybe he won't need the ow for a safety net. I think he knows she is a trap.

He is coming here today.

Pray that we are easy with each other, that he can relax with me a bit, let his guard down.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 11/27/04 04:26 AM
A happy update;

Things are going well.

He has been spending lots of time here with our daughter.

I think he is coming out of the 'fog'.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 11/28/04 07:14 PM
A bump in the road.

Our daughter has been having serious personal porblems at school.

Since my husband has been away for the past year, I haven't bothered to tell him much, and he rarely asked about her.

Now that he is around more, I told him what has been going on, and he flipped out.

Which was a natural reaction.

But I suspect that he told ow about this situaiton. He tells her most things, I think. It was one of the ways she caught him to begin with- by asking alot of questions about his life,and ingratiating herself.

She is not a nice person. She is not my friend. She has caused harm to my daughter and to me, by her actions.

I asked my husband this morning not to discuss D or me with this woman.

He said 'fine', told me to leave him alone for the rest of the day and hung up.


I pray that he will realise that he needs to end his friendship with the ow , and get right with you, before we can have peace between us.

Please guide me to know how to deal with this situation.

I also pray for our daughter for healing, and that her dad will handle this righteously.

I ask in Jesus name,

Posted By: Richard F Re: help me to understand - 12/01/04 05:47 PM
Oh Boy. :-(

I hope things improve soon. Your D needs you, but I wouldnt be surprised if she also needs her father. It's a shame that he has chosen the path he did. I pray he will soon see the error of his choice.

God Bless,
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/02/04 02:28 AM
She does need him. She is happy when he is here.

But we haven't heard from him since Monday.

He said the other day that he knows that him leaving was very hard on our daughter. He said he wished he would win the lottery so that we could move.

But all the money in the world can't mend her broken heart, or mine. It can't buy me trust, or respect. It can't buy him selfrespect or integrity. It can't make him into a man of his word.

He made this mess over the past 20 years .He can't fix it. Until he gets with Gods program it will just get worse. As it is he has wasted the past 20 years, working for nothing. He talks about fixing the house, paying the bills, but it is all talk so far.

And he is not here. He isn't with his daughter who needed him tonight.

She needs a father who shows up and calls when he says he will. Who treats her respect.

I am very close to being done with him.

Posted By: Richard F Re: help me to understand - 12/02/04 01:14 PM
I'm sorry to hear about that.

I am also scared that the situation you describe could be my own in a few years if I fail to follow God's path for me. I understand your comment about
your H's self respect. If he is anything like me, each time he is reminded of his failure his self respect takes a plunge. It is possible (if not likely) that just seeing you and your D is still a painful reminder of his failure. Unfortunately if he is still running to the OW, then he is allowing himself to fail again.

One of the priests at the church I attend told me something which is probably appropriate - that the loss of self respect I experience could be in part because of the failure to forgive myself for what happened. I have no doubt that is (at least partially) correct. Even though I know that God is able to forgive me, what I did went so far against his commands, and against those I loved, that I have not yet been able to forgive myself. Perhaps your H is in a similar situation?

I shall be praying for you all. I hope that things will improve for your whole family soon.

God Bless,
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/02/04 10:32 PM
Yes, Richard, that is part of the problem.

When he is around he is reminded of his failings. Just seeing us is like looking in a mirror, and thats why he has to get baked on weed to be around me.

He won't have peace until he gets right with God and stops doing wrong.

I got stuck on the forgiveness thing for a long time too.

It seemed too easy. I had a hard time believing that god has forgiven me , and the enemy used that to depress me.

The thing is that God dearly wants to forgive us. He is more interested in seeing us whole and living righteously than he is in condemning us.

There is a price to pay for the things we have done, whether we have offended God or others. Someone gets hurt when we do sin, and forgiving is sort of like agreeing to accept the suffering.

Thats why Jesus went to the cross. That is what I am doing when I forgive my husband- I am taking on the hurt.

And so far there is nothing that he has done that I am not willing to forgive. All I want is to get on with it- to see him living in integrity and being the strong loving man he was designed to be.

The point being, if I am willing to forgive him, how much more will God, who knows him and the motives of his heart.

Nothing is too big for God to forgive. Think of David ( and Bathsheba). In spite of what he did, God said David was a man after his own heart.

I have a feeling my h might show up here tonight, and I am so hurt and upset. this whole thing is such a mess.

You know, I wish my husband could talk to you.

Posted By: Richard F Re: help me to understand - 12/03/04 01:43 PM

You wish your H could talk to me... I wish my W could talk to you (although I have my suspicions that what you would have to say and what she wants to hear would not match). I put her in touch with a group for spouses of SA's... and she threw that back in my face because she didn't want to talk about the problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If your H would like to contact me (either through this board, or perhaps via email) he would be welcome to do so. I can't promise a particularly speedy response (especially this time of year), or that he will like what I have to say, but I am happy to do what I can.

God Bless,
Posted By: sealfan Re: help me to understand - 12/03/04 03:55 PM
Shul -

Is there any way you could meet me in chat on the ladies board today?

The boss isn't in the office today and I'll have some time to talk. I received some good counsel from my pastor about two or three months ago regarding a very similar situation to yours that I think would help you.

Hope to see you there.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/03/04 08:14 PM
I am so upset I can hardly type.

Daughter was hysterical last night for hours.

She cried herself to sleep.

I think she is clinically depressed adn she kept saying she wishes she was never born.

She is upset about Xmas, and that her dad didn't call all week and that we have no money for presents, and we have no family to have xmas with, and the kids at school are bullying her and she hsan't got even one friend.

She is extremely overweight, and she is very selfconscious aobut it. the kids have been calling her names,and she is heartsick about all of it.

This has been going on for months esp since he left, adn I tried to talk to him about how serious it is, but he threateneed to takek her and move in to the ow's. So I haven't said anything to him all this past 9 months. when he would ask how she is (which is infrequently) I would just say fine.

I called him this morning to talk about everything, because I can't deal with it anymore by myself and he needs to know what his leaving has done to her.

He was busy. He said he would drop by later, but I don't know if there is any point in telling him or talking to him.

I need prayer
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/03/04 09:35 PM
He was just here.

I told him how our daughtter is hurting, adn that she needs her father.

I am taking her to the dr on Monday, and try to get her some AD's and counseling, but I told him that this is only a bandaid- that she needs him to care and to show it by calling her and spending time with her.

He listened, but I was so upset I was raising my voice, and he kept asking me 'what is the plan'?

I finally told him that the only way to fix this is for him to stop what he is doing and get right with God.

He didnt' like that.

I told him that for now he needs to call her every day and see her every couple of days.

He seemed upset that I didnt' call him this week.

I don't get it.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/04/04 03:47 AM
I am in a bad way.

We need prayer. I am so worried about my daughter. I pray that my h will see what his actions have done to her, and what he has to do to make it right .
Posted By: Richard F Re: help me to understand - 12/06/04 05:12 PM
You (and everyone who posts here) are in mine.

I pray that things improve for you, and especially for your D soon.

God Bless,
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/07/04 01:30 AM
So much has happened these past few days.

On Friday I talked to ( or rather talked at) my husband. I told him that I am not ok, that daughter is not ok, and that she needs her dad.

I was pretty upset, it was like a dam burst once I started. I don't know what all I said.

But he said he would think about what I said.

Later we talked again. It turned out that he was confused that I hadn't called him, and he forgot that he said he would call me on Tuesday, and about taking me to get glasses etc.

I was waiting for him to call, and he was waiting for me to call, both of us feeling rejected, I guess.

So I told him that I want him to call, and I want to see him. I said "I thought you knew that- do you know it now?"
And he said "I do now!"

I told him that I was hurt that he didn't call and I figured he was avoiding me b/c he was in town seeing ow.

( Which he did, when I didn't call.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

In twenty years we have talked openly so little that to me it felt like a major breakthrough.

He had asked me what my plan was concerning our daughter. I am not sure what he meant. I didn't have a plan, I jsut wanted him to know that she was so unhappy. Maybe he was expecting me to insist that he move in with us or something.

I called him back and said for now it woudl be good if he could call her every day and see her every couple of days. He was ok with that.

The other thing was about Xmas. My older D and family were thinking to come here, but it fell through. We have no other family, so when we heard, it really hit us that without them it would just be me and D alone, if her dad didn't come . And I didn't know what to tell her.

D and I went to a store on Saturday, and we had to leave we were both so depressed. I kept wondering if he was going to be buying gifts for ow etc. D was seeing all the people with money buying stuff, and things she wanted to buy that are way out of our league, and we both know it. I barely make it from check to check.

That night I came right out finally and asked him if he knew where he was going to have Xmas, and he said that he was hoping to have it with us.

He said he thinks he will have a bit of money for presents for D.

He came over on Saturday night and spent the night.I told him that he doesn't have to sleep with me if it bothers him, but he wanted to . I told him the truth that my confidence in that dept. has taken a nose dive.

(I didn't say it, but having met the ow, I know what she has that I don't. She is an expert.)

I told him that I am not practised at the art of seduction, and I don't don't use sex for manipulation- that I just want to be with him, and I don't want anyone else.

It was ok, but I have a hard time not picturing him with ow. Its like I go to say something or do something, and I feel like she has all the right moves , and says all the right things, and I feel like a poor second.

About all I have in my favor is that I am better looking, and I try hard to make him happy. Just thinking about this I feel like crying. I think he likes aggressive women, which I am not.

I am not a 'Cosmo girl'. I am embarrassed just reading Cosmo .

Anyway, he spent lots of time with D on Sunday, and she was very happy, in good spirits.

Then last night I went into a terrible depression for some reason. I was thinking that my whole life has been a nightmare and I want to wake up now. I can't explain how awful I felt. Hopeless. It scared me.

I called my husband, and told him I needed to talk to someone, and a little of how I was feeling. He didn't say much. I asked him what he would say if I was jsut a friend, and I told him that I needed some of his wisdom, like he has when he talks to other people.

He said, " what do you want me to say- that everyting is going to be okay?"

I said no.

He said , "You told me that you don't want to live with me."

I said , " I meant that

Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/07/04 04:36 AM

I told him that I meant that I don't want to go back to the way things were ( a house divided, the abuse etc.)- that there is no point.

He said that he didn't want that either.

Then he said that for now he is concentrating on things with our daughter, and on fixing up the house.( Which is a good thing- the house is falling apart from years of neglect, and we couldn't live there anymore as it was.)

He was hurt about something I said the other day; I has told him that he has nothing to show for the past year, that he wasted it and that his freedom wasn't worth the hurt of rejection he caused our daughter.

He was upset that I said it and at how I said it.

(It was a 2x4 on my part, and I did not pull my punches).

I told him that I thought he needed someone to tell him, but that I was sorry for saying it in such a harsh way.

We have not talked this much in 20 years, about things between us.

I kind of feel like I have nothing left to lose by being open with him, telling him what is on my mind.

Today he rescued me when my car broke down. I don't know what I would have done without him coming. I was stranded on a lonely back road and it is very cold here.

I don't know how to explain this, but the way we have lived, and where we live, I depended on him for survival, and when he didn't take care of us, and when he left, mine and my daughters lives were at risk.

It is more than about companionship and so on, in our case- our marriage was about survival, and the way he has been, we were not safe.

I don't live in a third world country, but our life style meant that we both had to do our share or we would not have food, shelter, heat etc. We lived in a selfsufficient way, very earthy. It means that if he didn't stock the firewood, we would freeze, for example. And we did, a few times. We both had to do our part. I ended up doing his and mine, until I couldn't do it anymore.

I don't think he appreciated what we had. Maybe he is starting to, now. The other day he was remembering all the transient people we hosteled, and I think he was missing those days. It was interesting, and fun.

But if we are to be together, I have to be able to trust him to do his part. I am safer here without him until he is ready to be a husband.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/09/04 05:36 PM
If anyone is reading, I really need prayer for guidance .
Posted By: Richard F Re: help me to understand - 12/10/04 01:45 PM

You are in my prayers, as is everyone who posts here (and those who just lurk!)

May you see God's blesings in your life today.

Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/11/04 06:34 AM
Thankyou Richard,

One thing that I am having trouble with is the years of lying.

He hid things from me for so long, and I had no idea.

Father, I pray that from now on he will be sick of lying, or hiding his life and that he will earnestly want peace of mind, and peace with you. that he will begin to live in such a way that he wil have no reason to lie.
Posted By: Richard F Re: help me to understand - 12/10/04 09:09 PM

If he is anything like me, it is possible that your H may have found himself in one of the following situations:

1) He didn't want to hurt you any more, and so he told you a minimal "truth" - obscuring some aspect of the complete story. When that aspect came out later, it would have appeared that he had lied (which in many ways he had) on the previous occasion.

2) He may have told you what he desperately *wanted* the truth to be. On one occasion, my W asked if we had a problem with our marriage. The honest answer would have been yes, but because I so wanted to believe that the A was over and I had no SA problems, I told her "no".

3) The truth, as he sees it now may have been different from what was perceived as the truth at the time. To take another example from my own stupidity, my W asked if the OW was better looking. Since she had seen a picture, I judged that a response of "no" would have been rejected as an outright lie. I responded with a comment indicating that certain physical aspects were better (how's that for stupid?!), but that my W as a whole was better. Looking back at it, the question was really asking about the whole person, in which case my W would always win out. Similarly, my W does not believe me when I say that I did not enjoy myself with the OW. At the time, I did. Looking back on it now, my actions sicken me so much I almost vomit at the thought. I certainly wouldn't say that is enjoyable.

Just a few thoughts for you to consider.
God Bless,
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/14/04 01:02 AM
I think part of this is that he has been in the habit of lying to me all these years.

Most of his life he had someone monitering his every move, controling him- his mother, group homes , youth jail, adult prison etc.

So he felt like I was someone else controling him.

Its sad.

He did what ever he wanted all these years, left many times, spent money however he wanted- much more like a single person than a married man. No accountablility.

He resented it if I asked him about bills, or to go somewhere or anything- he missed out on so much. He sabotaged so many family meals xmas dinners and such. Things that are important to me because we don't have a big famly and I wanted to make things fun and solid for the kids.When he was a kid they would make him participate in family stuff, and he hated them. So it is his way of getting back I guess.

Same with the lying. He hated being asked to account for his time or having other people control him, so he lies or withholds stuff just out of resentment.

Big chip on his shoulder. Very secretive, very private. Even when he doesn't have to be.

If I ask about his day he thinks I am prying or suspicious or accusing him of doing something.

Last night I said something and he went silent and wouldn't speak to me the rest of the night. This morning I asked him what it was about and he said I was accusing him of stuff. He took everything I said and put a spin on it to make it look like I was being a total B***. Actually, I was just trying to make conversation.

He lied and covered up about the women for a long time. It was right under my nose, and I didn't know it for ages, because he is so good at lying.

What I don't get is why he is still lying and being secretive.

He talks freely to other people about all kinds of things that are none of their business, but with me he gets angry if I ask him what he did today!

Gee, I am not his mother, or his prison guard- I am not really even his wife anymore...I am more like a mistress- so there is nothing for him to hide from.

He is free to do whatever he wants. There have been no recriminations or expectations from me in a very long time.

I mostly just want us to get along for our daughters sake.

I see no reason for us to fight or disagree anymore.

Does this make sense?
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/16/04 11:26 PM
Daughter is doing better today, which I am very thankful for.

Maybe that is all that matters anymore.

H I am not sure of.

We had words last night. I invited him to stay the night, and he said no, got upset, said that he has been here alot lately, and reminded me that I said I didn't want to live with him, sounding hurt.

What I actually said was that I have no plans to move in with him.

I think I need to be clear with him now that when he is ready to be married; monogamous, committed, responsible- then I will think about it. But since I live at my job, it is kind of moot unless he plans to move in here.
And if he can't handle being here a couple of days a week, why would he think that we would be able to live together?

I am praying about something else today: He hinted that he wants me to insure his vehicle in my name. But he is not legal to drive, and if he gets in an accident I could be liable.

Trouble is, he has been working on my car, and I have started depending on him again. Bad.

I won't do it anymore. I wonder if this is the real reason he has been coming around. I am frankly surprised that he didn't get the ow to do it. Maybe he asked her and she said no.

I am praying that he finds another way , without asking me. I don't want this to be contention between us, but it is one of the reasons I am better off without him- so that I am not obliged to take part in his schemes.

I am a bit angry that he would even consider asking me. This sort of thing was what ended us up destitute a year ago, and it is partly why I can't live with him.

I am asking Gods hand of protection on me and DD about this business.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/17/04 03:11 PM
Someone gave me an idea , a way to communicate with my H.

The idea is to write him a letter in a blank journal, and give it to him to read and respond and pass it back and forth.

I think this might be better than talking face to face. It will give us both time to think before we speak, and to hear each other.

No LB's in the heat of the moment etc.

This might be a good way to find out what each other is feeling , and to figure out where we were, where we are and where we are going.

I have started. I am praying that God will help me, and that he will be comfortable with this approach.

He called this am to say he is coming over in a bit, I think to work on my car.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/23/04 04:56 AM
I guess this is an update.

Maybe by writing things down I can start to make sense of them.

Things are so complicated right now.

First my car broke down. H tried to fix it, but it is worse than we thought. I have a loaner at the moment.

My employer owes me money for mileage, that I had deferred for this kind of eventuality, but now that I need it he is not being very forthcoming with it.

So I am depending on H to fix the car. Which he will.

Meantime, it is Xmas, and I am the hamper person, so today we were supposed to pick up the hampers. We were planning to use H's van for this. But the other day the axle broke on it. He got it out last night, and instead of calling me for a ride, he got to town some other way last night.
He called this morning to say he was in the city with the part, and had no way to get back except hitchhike. So I offered to pick him up. I drove all the way there and he wasn't where he said he would meet me. He had lied, and I waited an hour for him. I think he was with ow.

I was very tempted to leave.

He finally showed up, and when I went up to him, I said hello, and I looked at him in the eye, and said ' do not lie to me anymore".

He said, 'OK'.

So off we went back out here, I drove him home so he could fix the van. He called to say he was on his way a couple of hours later. But when he got here the thing was overheating badly. It conked out . He thinks it is serious.

So we couldn't get the hampers, and the only person I could find with a van was drunk <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I took him home a while ago. I am picking him up tomorrow morning and we are going to go with the car.

I didn't invite him to stay over night.

He is stuck without a vehicle in the bush now, and the weather is too cold to walk out to the hwy. He is trapped there, unless someone goes to get him. (Me or ow)

It seems like his golden calf is not working out. So he is depending on me and I am depending on him for the moment.

When I took him home, I thanked him for trying , and he thanked me for going to get him.

I also asked him if he needed to be 'in the city' (code for at ow's) on Xmas day or anything. He said no, that he told me he planned to spend it out here.

I wanted to come right now and ask him if things have gotten serious between them, but I didn't.

I don't think they have. I think if they were he would be living there with her.

I want a partner in my life. I am lonely right now. I am tired of sleeping alone. But it can't be him while he is with her.

Maybe I should not have helped him today. Maybe I should not have offered. He would have had to call her. Maybe I should not have asked him to help with the hampers, but it is something we have done together every year for several years, and I can't do it alone.

Maybe I am just making things worse, getting in Gods way, by letting him in my life.

I can't think straight.

Before, we were sleeping together, but the past week or so we are not even touching. He kissed me on the lips as he was getting out of the car, like a peck.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/23/04 09:08 PM
Today we got the hampers and delivered them. I took him home just now.

DD is having a party tonight; tobogganing and a movie. Half the kids canceled b/c it is so cold, (-39 c),but a few showed up.

I just want Xmas to be fun for her. I am trying to keep it together for her, but it is hard.

When I drove him home we were walking into the house and he jokingly said " hey ladies hurry up and get dressed!"

And he laughed and said to me "ok, its safe to come in now".

I didn't think it was funny. The other night when I went there, there was a strange car in the driveway, and I didn't know if he had a woman there. I knocked on the door before I went in. But I felt sick inside.

This is our home, that we built together from nothing. It has my things, our things.

I didn't laugh at his joke. Doesn't he know how much I am hurt by his infidelity?
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 12/29/04 03:06 AM
We got through Xmas. It went pretty well considering.

Our daughter is doing better. H sacrificed to get her the things she wanted, even though his van broke down and he could have used the money for that.

We have talked a bit. About how I feel like crap when I compare myself to ow, and about where he is at spiritually.

He listened.

Oh, and he is quitting smoking pot.
Posted By: Richard F Re: help me to understand - 01/03/05 05:34 PM

Glad to hear Christmas went O.K. and that your H is giving up pot. I must admit, I was a bit worried to hear that he was smoking it in the first place - especially thinking about what sort of effect that would have on your D.

My W also has a problem "comparing" herself with the OW (even though she never met her in person). I know that it is probably very difficult (if not impossible) for you to understand this, but it is very likely that you are harder on yourself when you do that than anyone else would be.

I think you should also know that (at least in my limited experience) women compare themselves unfavorably to each other and/or some ideal image much more frequently (and more harshly) than men do. When you next find yourself doing so, try and remember that God created you just the way you are... and He doesn't create rubbish.

God Bless,
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 01/04/05 02:14 PM
I guess I was a bit hasty. He hasn't quit after all. He did go a few days, but now he is at it again.

He picked it up from the ow when we were in town the other day. That was how they met in the first place.

He is still at the house.

My hours are cut at work. It came down to work for less money or move back home, not a good choice.

He said I could stay there, but I told him that I cna't live there, and play susie homemaker while he is seeing other women. He said nothing.

I have been feeling very hurt and discouraged. I have stopped acting or pretending .

He called last night and this morning. He said he built the house for me, and that I am to know that I always have a place to go- not to feel that I have nowhere to live.

But the reality is that when he left a year ago I couldn't stay there anymore. I couldn't support myself. I had no firewood or food left, and no car.

I was living in squalor, and poverty. The washing machine and fridge are broken , the roof leaks, the windows are broken etc. I may as well have no home.

OW has a nice big house in the city. When he is there he does chores for her, fixes her house.

Doesn't he see that?
Posted By: Richard F Re: help me to understand - 01/07/05 06:02 AM

I have no comfort to offer, except my prayers, and you like everyone I have encountered here are in them.

Your WH probably doesn't *want* to see. I wonder if perhaps by allowing you to stay in the house he feels better about himself because at least he feels that he hasn't "abandoned" you (even though he clearly did).

I think you are right not to "play susie homemaker". He needs to decide if he wants you (and his D) in his life. A house like your H is offering is only shelter. You can get shelter in many places. What you want, and what your D needs is a home. I pray that you will find one, without needing to fear where your H is or who he is spending time with. Alas, right now it sounds as if he can't see what he is dangerously close to losing.

God Bless,
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 01/10/05 07:03 PM
Thank you Richard,

I have sorted things out workwise , so that I can stay living here.

His van broke down a couple of weeks ago so he has just spent the weekend in town with ow, ostensibly to get a motor for it. I haven't heard from him since Friday. He generally doesn't call me when he has been with her.

In hindsight I think I should have rented out the house months ago.

It would have been a logical natural consequence of his leaving.

This is such a mess. Our daughter had a terrible lonely weekend, and I am just sick for her.

We do need a home. She needs a home with a father who will love her, care about her. I need a partner.

I hate what he is doing and the choices he has been making.

I am so tired of being hurt and alone. I want this nightmare to end.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 01/12/05 08:02 PM

Your insight has been very helpful.

I am thinking about something, and I want to run it by you before I talk to him.

He is in a fix, as I see it; he has no vehicle working at the moment, so he is stuck at the house in the bush without a car.

His body is breaking down, and he can't do the kind of work that he used to do anymore. His insurance will run out in a couple of months, and he will have to find a job, but there isn't much left that he can do in this province without a licence.

He cant' stay at the house much longer, so th ealternative is to move in to the city and live with the ow, and her 5 kids ( he tried that,and hated it there- no privacy etc. And she doens't plan to support him- she is all about the money.)

I have a proposition for him. If he is willing to give up seeing other women, he can move in here, live rent free, no expenses, and we can rent out the house. The rent money can go toward existing debts.

We both contribute to the grocery , we both get an allowance every month, and the rest goes in the bank, to save up for a stake to start over . In a couple of years we would have enough to pursue his dream and mine. We would have to agree on an account where neither of us can touch it unless we both sign, to keep us accountable.

He gets to stay here, where there is privacy and room. He gets to be a father to his daughter, and have a partner he can trust. He can work as he is able to, and if he can't work much we will still be ok. He gets to work toward something real, that he can be proud of , and live without guilt or remorse.

He can still get his van going, and have freedom to see his friends, just no women. I will agree to the same.

The alternative is that he move to the city and end up on welfare, and probably do illegal things that will surely land him in jail. That is the future that awaits him. Even if he succeeds in making money, I want no part of it.

If that is his choice, I will take it as the end, and move on, find someone else to make a life with.

I think he needs to see where his life is leading, and an alternate path.

I feel like this is his last chance.

I am willing to risk it, inspite of everything. I want him to have a good life, all of us.
Posted By: lupolady Re: help me to understand - 01/13/05 10:09 PM
Dear Shul,

I haven't been posting much, but I have read, and tried to stay with your story.

These new developments are very troubling, for sure, HOWEVER, I don't believe asking WH to move in with you is a good idea. Not at all.

I think you should just let the chips fall where they have to, and let him crash and burn.

Yes, it will probably mean him moving in/w/OW. Yeah, right, "he hates it".

He doesn't seem to care about what is best for his family (you and DD). So why are you so concerned about him hating (or so he says) having to move in with her?

Here's what I think: I think you simply don't want him near her, and his "flimsy" excuse that he hates being there is the very (small, minute) thread you are hanging onto to justify you doing a totally illogical thing like letting him live with you rent-free and without financial obligations to you!

Please don't do it.

Love ya, and God Bless,
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 01/13/05 11:25 PM
I agree.

Please pray that he will crash and burn quickly.
Posted By: steadfast and committed Re: help me to understand - 01/14/05 06:30 AM

I don't post much either but I too follow your story. And I'm in agreement with lupo. Your H seems to have the ability to say just the right thing to give you just enough hope for him to continue his ways and keep you strung along.

You really need to separate yourself from that in order to get control of your life. Tough, but you can do it. You really can.

Bless you,

Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 01/20/05 01:15 PM
I can't stand how he is hurting our daughter by not calling or caring, or only showing up when he feels like it , which is when his conscience bothers him.

I tried one last time to talk to him yesterday to arrange visitation. He was with someone and said he would call later to discuss it, but didn't.

She was asking for him two weeks ago, they were together at Xmas and she was happy. Now she is heartbroken again.

I asked her if she would be okay with seeing him once a week on a certain day, and she said she doens't care.

I don't know what to say to him when he eventually calls.
Posted By: Shul Re: help me to understand - 01/22/05 12:02 AM
This has been a week.

God has been dealing with me about my sins and it is not pretty.

And I have been dealing with forgiving my husband.

I called him and asked his forgiveness for some things.

He wants to come here tomorrow.

I am praying, but I am also leaving it with God.
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