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#347552 11/24/04 08:03 AM
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I am confused.

I don't really know what is going on wiht my H right now.

He has been coming around, and we were intimate. He would stay over etc.

But he said that he was afraid it was giving me false hope. He said he wan't saying there was hope , or that there wasn't; just that he didn't want me to think that it implied that there was.

He has been staying at our house. If he was really involved with ow , wouldn't he be living with her?

He has been talking about fixing the house. Why would he bother if he was planning to be with her?

The other night he came over, and I thought he was going to stay, he was in bed. He got upset because I was 'staring' at him. Before he left he said some things. He kept saying "you know what is going on"...

But I don't really. I don't know if he is uncomfortable b/c he feels bad for leaving us, for the abuse, for not supporting us, or if it is b/c of the ow, or what.

I told him that I wanted to talk to him, and he said, "to tell me that I am on the path to destruction?"

He said " think of me as the seed that fell on ground where there was no soil".

But this is the fault of the dead churches we went to. He was not fed, or cared for- his wounds were not bound up or tended to.

He really tried, but then he gave up.

He called the next morning to say good morning and to apologise for being an a****** (his words).

Then last night he called to ask how it was going. It was not going well. Daughter was teased at school and there were tears etc. and I was upset too. I had been crying wehn he called.

He came over. He played with D, and then said he will start spending more time with her- not every day, but often.

He said "I'm not staying". He kissed me on the cheek and left.

He was not as affectionate as he has been.

I don't know what all this means.

Should I try to talk to him and find out what he is thinking?

I wonder if the ow has been making plans for the two of them. She is very manipulative, but in a very subtle way.

Anyway, I told him that I am not asking him to be a meal ticket, or expecting him to move in , or planning to move in with him. I told him that I like being with him, and that i am not coercing him to be with me, that its not a trick to trap him. I did say that it feels disrespectful when he comes here, has a shower and sex and leaves right away. (Its not really that- its that he doesn't talk to me.there is no closeness.)

I need insight.

Shul

#347553 11/25/04 12:03 AM
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Hi Shul,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shul:
<strong>H said that he was afraid it was giving me false hope. He said he wan't saying there was hope , or that there wasn't; just that he didn't want me to think that it implied that there was.

He has been staying at our house. If he was really involved with ow, wouldn't he be living with her?

He has been talking about fixing the house. Why would he bother if he was planning to be with her?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">All good questions. Not being inside his head, I don't know for certain, but I have a suspicion....

I wonder if perhaps he is feeling guilty. He knows that he needs to take time for himself, but he also has (or believes he has) "physical" needs that must be met. Because he hasn't yet comitted to repairing the marriage in his own head (or at least not 100%), he doesn't want to hurt you more by letting you think that he has.

Actually, I suspect that the fact he is being so "honest" may be a good sign - even though I imagine it hurts greatly to have suspicions that he is still unsure.

The fact that he said "think of me as the seed that fell on ground where there was no soil" may be indicative of self-esteem issues. I know that I occasionally feel the same way. I did what I had always promised myself (and others) I would not do. Even knowing it was wrong. Even having the chance to "opt out" - the OW was late on two of the three occasions we met and I was late on the other giving her the same opporunity. Realizing that I had fallen so far and hurt my W so badly was devastating (although my W still doesn't believe that because of the way I handle my emotions). I still occasionally wonder if I have done the right thing by staying in the marriage. That's not because I don't *want* to stay, but because I don't know if my W would be better able to recover (and therefore happier) without me.

Be strong. God has a plan... and I can't help but think the fact that your H is at least *trying* is a good sign. Certainly you should continue to be honest with him though - letting him know that using you for sex is disrespectful was the right thing to do.

I hope and pray things get better soon. You are in my prayers (and those of everyone else here, I am sure).

God Bless,
Richard

#347554 11/25/04 12:43 AM
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Thankyou Richard.

I get the feeling that he is coming closer to me a little at a time, and sort of protecting himself by having a place to run to (the house) if it gets uncomfortable.

Maybe this is a good thing, that he won't feel trapped so much, and he can feel like he has some control over things while he risks being around me, being open with me.

Maybe the house is a safety net for him. Maybe he won't need the ow for a safety net. I think he knows she is a trap.

He is coming here today.

Pray that we are easy with each other, that he can relax with me a bit, let his guard down.

#347555 11/26/04 10:26 PM
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A happy update;

Things are going well.

He has been spending lots of time here with our daughter.


I think he is coming out of the 'fog'.

#347556 11/28/04 01:14 PM
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A bump in the road.

Our daughter has been having serious personal porblems at school.

Since my husband has been away for the past year, I haven't bothered to tell him much, and he rarely asked about her.

Now that he is around more, I told him what has been going on, and he flipped out.

Which was a natural reaction.

But I suspect that he told ow about this situaiton. He tells her most things, I think. It was one of the ways she caught him to begin with- by asking alot of questions about his life,and ingratiating herself.

She is not a nice person. She is not my friend. She has caused harm to my daughter and to me, by her actions.

I asked my husband this morning not to discuss D or me with this woman.

He said 'fine', told me to leave him alone for the rest of the day and hung up.

Father,

I pray that he will realise that he needs to end his friendship with the ow , and get right with you, before we can have peace between us.

Please guide me to know how to deal with this situation.

I also pray for our daughter for healing, and that her dad will handle this righteously.

I ask in Jesus name,

Shul

#347557 12/01/04 11:47 AM
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Oh Boy. :-(

I hope things improve soon. Your D needs you, but I wouldnt be surprised if she also needs her father. It's a shame that he has chosen the path he did. I pray he will soon see the error of his choice.

God Bless,
Richard

#347558 12/01/04 08:28 PM
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She does need him. She is happy when he is here.

But we haven't heard from him since Monday.

He said the other day that he knows that him leaving was very hard on our daughter. He said he wished he would win the lottery so that we could move.

But all the money in the world can't mend her broken heart, or mine. It can't buy me trust, or respect. It can't buy him selfrespect or integrity. It can't make him into a man of his word.

He made this mess over the past 20 years .He can't fix it. Until he gets with Gods program it will just get worse. As it is he has wasted the past 20 years, working for nothing. He talks about fixing the house, paying the bills, but it is all talk so far.

And he is not here. He isn't with his daughter who needed him tonight.

She needs a father who shows up and calls when he says he will. Who treats her respect.

I am very close to being done with him.

Shul

#347559 12/02/04 07:14 AM
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I'm sorry to hear about that.

I am also scared that the situation you describe could be my own in a few years if I fail to follow God's path for me. I understand your comment about
your H's self respect. If he is anything like me, each time he is reminded of his failure his self respect takes a plunge. It is possible (if not likely) that just seeing you and your D is still a painful reminder of his failure. Unfortunately if he is still running to the OW, then he is allowing himself to fail again.

One of the priests at the church I attend told me something which is probably appropriate - that the loss of self respect I experience could be in part because of the failure to forgive myself for what happened. I have no doubt that is (at least partially) correct. Even though I know that God is able to forgive me, what I did went so far against his commands, and against those I loved, that I have not yet been able to forgive myself. Perhaps your H is in a similar situation?

I shall be praying for you all. I hope that things will improve for your whole family soon.

God Bless,
Richard

#347560 12/02/04 04:32 PM
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Yes, Richard, that is part of the problem.

When he is around he is reminded of his failings. Just seeing us is like looking in a mirror, and thats why he has to get baked on weed to be around me.

He won't have peace until he gets right with God and stops doing wrong.

I got stuck on the forgiveness thing for a long time too.

It seemed too easy. I had a hard time believing that god has forgiven me , and the enemy used that to depress me.


The thing is that God dearly wants to forgive us. He is more interested in seeing us whole and living righteously than he is in condemning us.

There is a price to pay for the things we have done, whether we have offended God or others. Someone gets hurt when we do sin, and forgiving is sort of like agreeing to accept the suffering.

Thats why Jesus went to the cross. That is what I am doing when I forgive my husband- I am taking on the hurt.

And so far there is nothing that he has done that I am not willing to forgive. All I want is to get on with it- to see him living in integrity and being the strong loving man he was designed to be.

The point being, if I am willing to forgive him, how much more will God, who knows him and the motives of his heart.

Nothing is too big for God to forgive. Think of David ( and Bathsheba). In spite of what he did, God said David was a man after his own heart.


I have a feeling my h might show up here tonight, and I am so hurt and upset. this whole thing is such a mess.

You know, I wish my husband could talk to you.

Shul

#347561 12/03/04 07:43 AM
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Shul,

You wish your H could talk to me... I wish my W could talk to you (although I have my suspicions that what you would have to say and what she wants to hear would not match). I put her in touch with a group for spouses of SA's... and she threw that back in my face because she didn't want to talk about the problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

If your H would like to contact me (either through this board, or perhaps via email) he would be welcome to do so. I can't promise a particularly speedy response (especially this time of year), or that he will like what I have to say, but I am happy to do what I can.

God Bless,
Richard

#347562 12/03/04 09:55 AM
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Shul -

Is there any way you could meet me in chat on the ladies board today?

The boss isn't in the office today and I'll have some time to talk. I received some good counsel from my pastor about two or three months ago regarding a very similar situation to yours that I think would help you.

Hope to see you there.

#347563 12/03/04 02:14 PM
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I am so upset I can hardly type.

Daughter was hysterical last night for hours.

She cried herself to sleep.

I think she is clinically depressed adn she kept saying she wishes she was never born.

She is upset about Xmas, and that her dad didn't call all week and that we have no money for presents, and we have no family to have xmas with, and the kids at school are bullying her and she hsan't got even one friend.

She is extremely overweight, and she is very selfconscious aobut it. the kids have been calling her names,and she is heartsick about all of it.

This has been going on for months esp since he left, adn I tried to talk to him about how serious it is, but he threateneed to takek her and move in to the ow's. So I haven't said anything to him all this past 9 months. when he would ask how she is (which is infrequently) I would just say fine.


I called him this morning to talk about everything, because I can't deal with it anymore by myself and he needs to know what his leaving has done to her.

He was busy. He said he would drop by later, but I don't know if there is any point in telling him or talking to him.

I need prayer

#347564 12/03/04 03:35 PM
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He was just here.

I told him how our daughtter is hurting, adn that she needs her father.

I am taking her to the dr on Monday, and try to get her some AD's and counseling, but I told him that this is only a bandaid- that she needs him to care and to show it by calling her and spending time with her.

He listened, but I was so upset I was raising my voice, and he kept asking me 'what is the plan'?

I finally told him that the only way to fix this is for him to stop what he is doing and get right with God.

He didnt' like that.

I told him that for now he needs to call her every day and see her every couple of days.

He seemed upset that I didnt' call him this week.

I don't get it.

#347565 12/03/04 09:47 PM
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I am in a bad way.

We need prayer. I am so worried about my daughter. I pray that my h will see what his actions have done to her, and what he has to do to make it right .

#347566 12/06/04 11:12 AM
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You (and everyone who posts here) are in mine.

I pray that things improve for you, and especially for your D soon.

God Bless,
Richard

#347567 12/06/04 07:30 PM
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So much has happened these past few days.

On Friday I talked to ( or rather talked at) my husband. I told him that I am not ok, that daughter is not ok, and that she needs her dad.

I was pretty upset, it was like a dam burst once I started. I don't know what all I said.

But he said he would think about what I said.

Later we talked again. It turned out that he was confused that I hadn't called him, and he forgot that he said he would call me on Tuesday, and about taking me to get glasses etc.

I was waiting for him to call, and he was waiting for me to call, both of us feeling rejected, I guess.

So I told him that I want him to call, and I want to see him. I said "I thought you knew that- do you know it now?"
And he said "I do now!"

I told him that I was hurt that he didn't call and I figured he was avoiding me b/c he was in town seeing ow.

( Which he did, when I didn't call.) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

In twenty years we have talked openly so little that to me it felt like a major breakthrough.

He had asked me what my plan was concerning our daughter. I am not sure what he meant. I didn't have a plan, I jsut wanted him to know that she was so unhappy. Maybe he was expecting me to insist that he move in with us or something.

I called him back and said for now it woudl be good if he could call her every day and see her every couple of days. He was ok with that.

The other thing was about Xmas. My older D and family were thinking to come here, but it fell through. We have no other family, so when we heard, it really hit us that without them it would just be me and D alone, if her dad didn't come . And I didn't know what to tell her.

D and I went to a store on Saturday, and we had to leave we were both so depressed. I kept wondering if he was going to be buying gifts for ow etc. D was seeing all the people with money buying stuff, and things she wanted to buy that are way out of our league, and we both know it. I barely make it from check to check.

That night I came right out finally and asked him if he knew where he was going to have Xmas, and he said that he was hoping to have it with us.

He said he thinks he will have a bit of money for presents for D.

He came over on Saturday night and spent the night.I told him that he doesn't have to sleep with me if it bothers him, but he wanted to . I told him the truth that my confidence in that dept. has taken a nose dive.

(I didn't say it, but having met the ow, I know what she has that I don't. She is an expert.)

I told him that I am not practised at the art of seduction, and I don't don't use sex for manipulation- that I just want to be with him, and I don't want anyone else.

It was ok, but I have a hard time not picturing him with ow. Its like I go to say something or do something, and I feel like she has all the right moves , and says all the right things, and I feel like a poor second.

About all I have in my favor is that I am better looking, and I try hard to make him happy. Just thinking about this I feel like crying. I think he likes aggressive women, which I am not.

I am not a 'Cosmo girl'. I am embarrassed just reading Cosmo .

Anyway, he spent lots of time with D on Sunday, and she was very happy, in good spirits.

Then last night I went into a terrible depression for some reason. I was thinking that my whole life has been a nightmare and I want to wake up now. I can't explain how awful I felt. Hopeless. It scared me.

I called my husband, and told him I needed to talk to someone, and a little of how I was feeling. He didn't say much. I asked him what he would say if I was jsut a friend, and I told him that I needed some of his wisdom, like he has when he talks to other people.

He said, " what do you want me to say- that everyting is going to be okay?"

I said no.

He said , "You told me that you don't want to live with me."

I said , " I meant that


brb

#347568 12/06/04 10:36 PM
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back

I told him that I meant that I don't want to go back to the way things were ( a house divided, the abuse etc.)- that there is no point.

He said that he didn't want that either.

Then he said that for now he is concentrating on things with our daughter, and on fixing up the house.( Which is a good thing- the house is falling apart from years of neglect, and we couldn't live there anymore as it was.)

He was hurt about something I said the other day; I has told him that he has nothing to show for the past year, that he wasted it and that his freedom wasn't worth the hurt of rejection he caused our daughter.

He was upset that I said it and at how I said it.

(It was a 2x4 on my part, and I did not pull my punches).

I told him that I thought he needed someone to tell him, but that I was sorry for saying it in such a harsh way.

We have not talked this much in 20 years, about things between us.

I kind of feel like I have nothing left to lose by being open with him, telling him what is on my mind.

Today he rescued me when my car broke down. I don't know what I would have done without him coming. I was stranded on a lonely back road and it is very cold here.

I don't know how to explain this, but the way we have lived, and where we live, I depended on him for survival, and when he didn't take care of us, and when he left, mine and my daughters lives were at risk.

It is more than about companionship and so on, in our case- our marriage was about survival, and the way he has been, we were not safe.

I don't live in a third world country, but our life style meant that we both had to do our share or we would not have food, shelter, heat etc. We lived in a selfsufficient way, very earthy. It means that if he didn't stock the firewood, we would freeze, for example. And we did, a few times. We both had to do our part. I ended up doing his and mine, until I couldn't do it anymore.

I don't think he appreciated what we had. Maybe he is starting to, now. The other day he was remembering all the transient people we hosteled, and I think he was missing those days. It was interesting, and fun.

But if we are to be together, I have to be able to trust him to do his part. I am safer here without him until he is ready to be a husband.

#347569 12/09/04 11:36 AM
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If anyone is reading, I really need prayer for guidance .

#347570 12/10/04 07:45 AM
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Shul,

You are in my prayers, as is everyone who posts here (and those who just lurk!)

May you see God's blesings in your life today.

Richard

#347571 12/11/04 12:34 AM
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Thankyou Richard,

One thing that I am having trouble with is the years of lying.

He hid things from me for so long, and I had no idea.


Father, I pray that from now on he will be sick of lying, or hiding his life and that he will earnestly want peace of mind, and peace with you. that he will begin to live in such a way that he wil have no reason to lie.

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