56 yr.old husband looking at teenagers! UGH! - 08/13/05 05:30 PM
Hiya,
Just wanted to get some opinions, suggestions ... etc.
H and I are separated (1 year), but supposedly trying to work toward living together again .. all though many times I don't see how.
One of the biggest problems for me is him looking, gawking, staring and just generally making me feel horrible, by always looking at teenage girls everywhere we go.
It's beginning to get to me allot now. Let me explain:
Not sure it's connected, but his dad was in prison for molesting his sister when she was young and another young girl... my H saw him attempt it once while he was in the room .. then he went on to feel much more comfortable and accepted by young girls. He met his first GF when he was 22, she was 14, he married her when she turned 18.
He started cheating on her after a few years with many women, and then had an EA and SA with their 16 yr. old babysitter ..he was 32 at the time. Nobody told so he didn't go to jail. They lived together for 3 years. She had him leave so she could be with an OLDER guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
From there, the women got a bit older, but not too much.
I'm the oldest woman he's been with, I"m 4 years younger than him, but it was probably because I looked and acted much younger than my age.
Now I'm 53 and he's 56 and EVERYWHERE we go, EVERYTHING we do together, he's watching the teenagers! I tolerated it for the first years of our marriage, but as time went on I started making excuses not to go places with him, or do things together .. which he held against me and said made some of the problems in our marriage.
I've tried over the years to explain my position to him, and ask him to please respect me and not gawk at every little thing that walks by .. but the HARDEST part in all of this is that he'll deny it (of course), he's NOT doing it, so why am I upset and accusing him? UGH!
He DOES do it! I've watched him out of the corner of my eye in the mall (WORST place to go), and each and every girl in tight shorts, jeans, skirts, and halter tops ... got a look and sometimes a double look and if they were sitting near us, watched over and over .. BUT, he would do it in such a way as to look like he was looking at something else with his eyes ..then on the way 'back' he would look again.
Makes my stomach churn sometimes! I try very hard to look good for him every time I see him. We go out at least 1-2 times a week to eat, shop, movies ... long drives, etc.
Now I know that the teens dress pretty provacative today and in some ways I blame the parents for allowing it, but that's not the topic here. I understand it's hard NOT to look sometimes I guess, but to me .. a teen BOY is icky, had ZERO appeal to me ... and yet I understand it's different with girls .. GEESH the man IS 56!!!
I think the most hurtful to me is that I've asked him so many times in such nice ways to stop this while he's with me, what he does without me won't affect me directly, all though I wouldn't want him to be obsessing about them without me either .. but at least have consideration when he's with me... but again, to him, if he's NOT doing it, there's not a problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Not sure what to do anymore .. I do know that many times with sex, he'll want to fantasize about me being young again, and sometimes it's ok .. but not too much, and I guess I'm beginning to feel he's tired of me and wants a younger version. This is all killing me and my esteem, and I've put on extra weight recently because of depression and some health issues (recently developed lupus, cfs and fibro).
Edited to add: I just wanted to say that he does look at women a bit older than teen also, but usually not over 25, and I swear the way he's looking, he seems to be looking for somebody, as if I were his sister and he was scouting them out to 'meet' them.
Any and all suggestions are welcome!!!
Hugs,
Dee
Just wanted to get some opinions, suggestions ... etc.
H and I are separated (1 year), but supposedly trying to work toward living together again .. all though many times I don't see how.
One of the biggest problems for me is him looking, gawking, staring and just generally making me feel horrible, by always looking at teenage girls everywhere we go.
It's beginning to get to me allot now. Let me explain:
Not sure it's connected, but his dad was in prison for molesting his sister when she was young and another young girl... my H saw him attempt it once while he was in the room .. then he went on to feel much more comfortable and accepted by young girls. He met his first GF when he was 22, she was 14, he married her when she turned 18.
He started cheating on her after a few years with many women, and then had an EA and SA with their 16 yr. old babysitter ..he was 32 at the time. Nobody told so he didn't go to jail. They lived together for 3 years. She had him leave so she could be with an OLDER guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
From there, the women got a bit older, but not too much.
I'm the oldest woman he's been with, I"m 4 years younger than him, but it was probably because I looked and acted much younger than my age.
Now I'm 53 and he's 56 and EVERYWHERE we go, EVERYTHING we do together, he's watching the teenagers! I tolerated it for the first years of our marriage, but as time went on I started making excuses not to go places with him, or do things together .. which he held against me and said made some of the problems in our marriage.
I've tried over the years to explain my position to him, and ask him to please respect me and not gawk at every little thing that walks by .. but the HARDEST part in all of this is that he'll deny it (of course), he's NOT doing it, so why am I upset and accusing him? UGH!
He DOES do it! I've watched him out of the corner of my eye in the mall (WORST place to go), and each and every girl in tight shorts, jeans, skirts, and halter tops ... got a look and sometimes a double look and if they were sitting near us, watched over and over .. BUT, he would do it in such a way as to look like he was looking at something else with his eyes ..then on the way 'back' he would look again.
Makes my stomach churn sometimes! I try very hard to look good for him every time I see him. We go out at least 1-2 times a week to eat, shop, movies ... long drives, etc.
Now I know that the teens dress pretty provacative today and in some ways I blame the parents for allowing it, but that's not the topic here. I understand it's hard NOT to look sometimes I guess, but to me .. a teen BOY is icky, had ZERO appeal to me ... and yet I understand it's different with girls .. GEESH the man IS 56!!!
I think the most hurtful to me is that I've asked him so many times in such nice ways to stop this while he's with me, what he does without me won't affect me directly, all though I wouldn't want him to be obsessing about them without me either .. but at least have consideration when he's with me... but again, to him, if he's NOT doing it, there's not a problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Not sure what to do anymore .. I do know that many times with sex, he'll want to fantasize about me being young again, and sometimes it's ok .. but not too much, and I guess I'm beginning to feel he's tired of me and wants a younger version. This is all killing me and my esteem, and I've put on extra weight recently because of depression and some health issues (recently developed lupus, cfs and fibro).
Edited to add: I just wanted to say that he does look at women a bit older than teen also, but usually not over 25, and I swear the way he's looking, he seems to be looking for somebody, as if I were his sister and he was scouting them out to 'meet' them.
Any and all suggestions are welcome!!!
Hugs,
Dee