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Joined: Feb 2003
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dd50 Offline OP
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Hiya,

Just wanted to get some opinions, suggestions ... etc.

H and I are separated (1 year), but supposedly trying to work toward living together again .. all though many times I don't see how.

One of the biggest problems for me is him looking, gawking, staring and just generally making me feel horrible, by always looking at teenage girls everywhere we go.

It's beginning to get to me allot now. Let me explain:

Not sure it's connected, but his dad was in prison for molesting his sister when she was young and another young girl... my H saw him attempt it once while he was in the room .. then he went on to feel much more comfortable and accepted by young girls. He met his first GF when he was 22, she was 14, he married her when she turned 18.

He started cheating on her after a few years with many women, and then had an EA and SA with their 16 yr. old babysitter ..he was 32 at the time. Nobody told so he didn't go to jail. They lived together for 3 years. She had him leave so she could be with an OLDER guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

From there, the women got a bit older, but not too much.

I'm the oldest woman he's been with, I"m 4 years younger than him, but it was probably because I looked and acted much younger than my age.

Now I'm 53 and he's 56 and EVERYWHERE we go, EVERYTHING we do together, he's watching the teenagers! I tolerated it for the first years of our marriage, but as time went on I started making excuses not to go places with him, or do things together .. which he held against me and said made some of the problems in our marriage.

I've tried over the years to explain my position to him, and ask him to please respect me and not gawk at every little thing that walks by .. but the HARDEST part in all of this is that he'll deny it (of course), he's NOT doing it, so why am I upset and accusing him? UGH!

He DOES do it! I've watched him out of the corner of my eye in the mall (WORST place to go), and each and every girl in tight shorts, jeans, skirts, and halter tops ... got a look and sometimes a double look and if they were sitting near us, watched over and over .. BUT, he would do it in such a way as to look like he was looking at something else with his eyes ..then on the way 'back' he would look again.

Makes my stomach churn sometimes! I try very hard to look good for him every time I see him. We go out at least 1-2 times a week to eat, shop, movies ... long drives, etc.

Now I know that the teens dress pretty provacative today and in some ways I blame the parents for allowing it, but that's not the topic here. I understand it's hard NOT to look sometimes I guess, but to me .. a teen BOY is icky, had ZERO appeal to me ... and yet I understand it's different with girls .. GEESH the man IS 56!!!

I think the most hurtful to me is that I've asked him so many times in such nice ways to stop this while he's with me, what he does without me won't affect me directly, all though I wouldn't want him to be obsessing about them without me either .. but at least have consideration when he's with me... but again, to him, if he's NOT doing it, there's not a problem. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Not sure what to do anymore .. I do know that many times with sex, he'll want to fantasize about me being young again, and sometimes it's ok .. but not too much, and I guess I'm beginning to feel he's tired of me and wants a younger version. This is all killing me and my esteem, and I've put on extra weight recently because of depression and some health issues (recently developed lupus, cfs and fibro).

Edited to add: I just wanted to say that he does look at women a bit older than teen also, but usually not over 25, and I swear the way he's looking, he seems to be looking for somebody, as if I were his sister and he was scouting them out to 'meet' them.

Any and all suggestions are welcome!!!

Hugs,
Dee

Last edited by dd50; 08/13/05 08:09 PM.
Joined: Dec 2004
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Isn't this just one more issue in a relationship that has a long laundry list of them?

WIth the health changes, it almost sounds like the stress of the relationship may be causing your health problems. It certainly can't be contributing to them getting any better.

I don't have a good solution for you in terms of his wandering eye. He either chooses to honor your request, or he doesn't. Short of not going anywhere, I don't know how you would keep it from happening.

Joined: Jul 2005
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Men look.

A man that doesn't look at young tight female bodies is either gay or blind.

I mean as long as he isn't gawking what is so wrong about it.

OTOH he obviously has some sort of infatuation with very young women, probably due to his fathers influence, and that needs to be taken care of. Counseling is my recommendation.

But as for looking. Hey, I look. I will always look. I am not a gawker. I don't make it obvious. But I will look. I am human, I enjoy the sight of a beautiful girl. It has nothing to do with the love I have for my wife. Or how I perceive her attractiveness to me.

You obviously have serious self-esteem issues with it. Maybe you should seek some counseling to help you with that as well.

Glancing at the menu is not wrong as long as you come home for dinner.


The opposite of love isn't hate...it's indifference
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dd,

There is also such a thing as self-control.

Your H lacks it.

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Quote
Isn't this just one more issue in a relationship that has a long laundry list of them?

That's my take too. You've written elsewhere that he will stop doing things you say you like, and keep doing what you ask him to stop. I don't see a lot of respect for you in any of his actions, much less this.

I'm sorry, but until he decides that cherishing and protecting you matters to him, I doubt he will try and change this, regardless of what you do.

Kathi

Joined: Nov 2004
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Your statement here caught my attention: "he seems to be looking for somebody, as if I were his sister and he was scouting them out to 'meet' them."

What I have noticed about myself is the tendency to have more hope of finding emotional support/positive interaction with a total stranger than the the wife I am sure is closed off. What about you?

Next statement: "This is all killing me and my esteem, and I've put on extra weight recently because of depression and some health issues (recently developed lupus, cfs and fibro)."

I know you have read here about working to change yourself instead of working to change him... But really, depression, chronic fatigue? Sounds like a definite downward spiral. What do you think is going to get you in an upward direction? His Change? Don't connect your change to his.For then your expectations will be so high that he wouldn't touch you with a 10' pole.

Read lots here on how to choose activities of mutual interest and working on yourself - The point at which you are is not going to be very conducive to having him come back.

Check out the Atkins diet, it is a stabilizer to blood sugar levels - sustained energy...

Quite a few qustions could be asked also about your relationship - It would be expected that this area of difficulty has not occurred in a vaccuum.

It is easy to think that the total meaning of life hinges on a good relationship with your spouse. It is part of it, and important,but not all. There is significance in yourself - and when that diminishes, so does life.

[[Proverbs 4:23. Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.]] Definition of "heart:" the heart; also used (figuratively) very widely for the feelings, the will and even the intellect; likewise for the center of anything

Even notice it doesn't say guard someone else's heart - but your own.

I will add also that from what you write, there is also significant issues that your H would do well to get help with regarding his living - just so you don't think I am saying the fault is all yours - not at all - I am just addressing what you will find on a recurring basis here - [[Work on yourself.]]


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There are some really big red flags here and I think his issue goes much further than anything you can do for him alone. He needs some serious professional help!!!!

You may be better off walking the other way. If you have been seperated from him for a year and he still continues this behavior, you don't know what he is doing without you and why would you want to go back to a man that does not respect his wife. This goes way beyond a casual glance at a beautiful woman.

I say get away as fast as you can!


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