Wife wanted separation after seeing me masturbate

My wife and I have been married for two years with no children. We are both 27 years old. We had an argument which lasted three months and have been separated for a month now. It all started when my wife caught me masturbating while watching a porn film. She was very upset about this, and this is the major issue among other issues such as communication which affected our marriage. I didn't know that she is so against this act. I don't understand because she was the one initially who suggested to watch a porn together, a year after our marriage. Sometimes we see the films together, and sometimes she even watched alone. I tried to explain to her that most men do masturbate, but she doesn't care about that. She said that that's how she feels, and I tried to accept that.I asked her to go to counselling, but she doesn't want to go. She lost interest in sex and she didn't show any affection towards me. So I turned to masturbation again and during an argument I admitted it to her. Then she wanted a separation to sort things out, and to think if she can really trust me again. There are other issues in our marriage, but she told me that this is the most important. She can't say how long it's going to be, and it's killing me every single day, because I love her very much. I just can't believe that this is happening because I masturbated. We had a happy marriage before.Please help, and thank you in advance.

I am afraid that your wife is very immature concerning this issue. I think that she needs to take a human sexuality course and get into therapy. If she would file for divorce over this issue then she is really way to immature to be married.

Am I correct to assume that you have deleted the responses to your post that you did not like in order to show your wife only the ones which agree with your position.If so, then that is DISHONEST and, perhaps, she might have a point, after all.If you cannot be honest about this, then, I ask, are you really being honest with your wife?Those of us who have responded know who we are and what we said to you.Perhaps we should leave you alone as you appear not to need help. Are you for real?Clyde

Can someone delete another's post?I might have had something to say about this but after "Emily" and "psychgirl" I am starting to have doubts about the value of responding.

I don't know about all this deleating posts and such but as a female I'll give you this advice. First of all if she was available to you when you masterbated, then she may feel like that you would rather masterbate than to be with her. I understand watching porn together but the only reason for watching porn alone is if you are a single person and don't have anyone. That goes for you and her. If I wasn't giving my husband sex and this happened then I would blame it on myself but if I am available to him and he is masterbating then I would think that he just didn't want to be with me. I hope this helps. I would question her about the difference in her watching porn alone and you watching porn alone. Good Luck.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by hanora: Can someone delete another's post?I might have had something to say about this but after "Emily" and "psychgirl" I am starting to have doubts about the value of responding.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Hanora:I am very sorry...You see .. he had posted in two forums and I had replied in one i.e. the other Forum. When I checked this, I saw that muy reply and another were "not there", so I thought he ghad 'deleted' it. I discovered laterthat the responses were elsewhere and he had not deleted it.. I have apologized to him in the other place.Clyde

Ok givemethat, I guess I owe you an apology too, for being so easily confused if nothing else.Now about masturbation. It might be useful to try to explore why she feels so strongly about this. Is she feeling that if you do she is deprived, or fearful that you are imagining some other woman, or some situation that she would not be comfortable with? Maybe she has a lower drive and the fact that you masturbate makes her feel inadequate. It is a shame that she won't consider counselling because I think it would be very useful. I also think that the other issues in your marriage are more important that she is letting on, and that masturbastion just provides a convenient thing to point to and blame.There must be thousands of books about sex that include something about masturbation, nearly all men do it, because it feels good, lots of women do too, for the same reason. There are even good anatomical and physiological reasons why it is beneficial, especially if one is not sexually active with a partner.If she won't see a counselor, even talking to her doctor might give her a better view of things. Maybe she would be willing to read a book or two, check out ones by Lonnie Barbach.Take care

I'll post this again from the Emotional Needs forum: ---Update---My W and I had dinner at a restaurant last night. I tried not to talk about the relationship, but then she pointed out to me that I should look for another woman, and not get my hope too much on this relationship.I was very disappointed to hear this, and I told her I'm not looking for another woman, I want to make this marriage work again.She told me it is not just the act of masturbation that upsets her, it is also the fact that I broke my promise. This has happened to her a lot of times in the past with her ex bfs. They always broke their promises and now I broke mine, too.She said she doesn't love me anymore, and it hurt me very much. But I kept my composure and told her that I'm not giving up. Deep down I felt that she is a very unforgiving woman, because I'm human after all, and I made a big mistake. After seven relationships that ended because her exs broke their promises, wouldn't she think that maybe she expects too much? Compared to her past bfs, I consider myself as not too bad. One of them physically abused her, one had an affair, and one had a gambling problem. Now that's what I deem enough ground for not only separation, but divorce.What should I do now? Do I just keep waiting and hope that she can see through this? I have a feeling that everything I said to her is useless, because it's my words and she will reject it. She still won't consider counseling, and I think she never will. I gave her some hard facts about masturbation from the Internet, but I think it only infuriated her more.So now I can only hope for the best. When we speak on the phone, I won't mention the problem, but I'll just talk about other everyday things. Until she's ready to make a decision, then we can speak about it.Am I doing the right thing?

Of course I am not expert but from what I am hearing here it seems she has a complex of some sort. Maybe her weight. Maybe self esteem isues. Maybe insest or rape in her back ground. Or like in my brother and SIL it maybe the religions beliefs of hers. As for myself. I am sue that H does this. I just don't want to hear about it or know about it. And I sure don't want to know who he was thinking about. This is a VERY sencitvie issue with alot of women. I myself watch the movies with my husband but have found a few times that when I have been gone that he has watched them by himself. It is a little awcward for me to realize this. But for some reason he useually tells me he has done so. I never ask or say anything to him to promt the issue before hand. i figure it is his business. And I feel it is not really a "need to know thing" on my part. H eis a man and is human. I Myself seldom do this and feel awkward doing so. I don't feel it is a "no no". I just feel strange. But to some women it is "TABOO". A good book for her to read is The Sensuous Woman " " Man " " Couple The Secrets men keep by Dr. Ken Druck The New male Sexuality By Berni Zilbergeild What men won't tell you but women need to know By Bob Berkowitz Light his fire by Ellen Kreidman Secrets about men every woman should know by Barbra De Angelis Make Love all the time by Barbra De Angelis More ways to drive your man wild in bed by Graham MastersonAND BTW MEN......YOU MIGHT WANT TO READ THE FIRST ONE YOURSELF!------------------ VN. vetwife of 20 yrs.

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All I have to say is that your wife has major issues, and that she is in fact immature. She obvisouly doesn't realize that masturbating is normal and there's nothing wrong with it. If your wife file's for a divorce than she is deffentily not mature enough for marriage. Do you give her alot of attention? if you do, than back off a little. Don't give her so much attention.

Reading this topic and everyone bashing his wife's feelings made me sick! Is she immature because she feels masturbating is wrong? Has anyone thought that it could also be a morality issue with her. I speak from the heart on this because this is exactly what has happened in my marriage. Three years ago I caught my husband masturbating and it hurt me deeply. Why you might ask? Because I personally felt that he didn't need me on that level. It ruined our sex life, I couldn't make love to him with out thinking of him sitting there watching tv mastubating. Thus we never talked about it together. I talked and he just sat there. Now I find out for the past two years he has been hooked on internet porn. So you see now I feel I am on the brink of leaving my husband of 7 years and I can completely relate to this woman. It's not about the masturbation. I realize some men do and that most teens do. The part that confuses me is if the wife is willing why would a man choose cold and unfeeling release when they could have the warm loving embrace of their wife?

Not every man wants a warm body at every sexual experience. Sometimes just the quick release without the hassles will suffice. I personally do not see anything wrong with masturbation. It's definitely not something to get all riled up over. However, if a man chooses masturbation more often than having sex, that's a problem. Sounds like the wife has issues with her own sexuality.

I think it is something to get all riled up over. Mastubating is not the problem. It hurts her and that is the problem. Every person is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions. There is not right or wrong on this. The couple themselves have to find a happy medium on this subject. Either you don't mind if your spouse does or you do. If you do mind, such as myself it is VERY hard to get past the emotional hurts and use logic to understand why. I know it is normal and a fact of life. But you know what it still hurts me. It is not fair of me to make him change himself to please me, so how come I have to adjust my beliefs and change myself to please him. When your on the outside looking in on an issue such as this it is very easy to offer ideas and advice. But when your on the inside and everyone is telling you that you are wrong for your beliefs its the hardest place to be. When children grow up we tell them not to conform to be true to themselves, and as adults we turn the table and say "no you did it wrong your supposed to be this way."

I think some women just take the act too personal. It has nothing to do with them and they can't handle it that their man sometimes isn't thinking about them 24/7.

Okay, the fact is that I watch the porn and masturbate once or twice a week. And I make love to my W once a week. I don't think that's addiction to porn, and that it replaces sex with my W. Even if I do not masturbate, I would still make love once a week to my W. We have been married for 2 years, and with work and everything, once a week is what we both find convenient. I realized that I have been dishonest with my W, and I accept full responsiblity for it.On the other hand, even if I have been honest, she would still do the same thing. And I can't understand this. If our marriage is to end and she finds someone else, what is she going to do, ask him if he masturbate?? And if yes, she'll reject him?

I can only speak for myself but this did help me with my H's dishonesty. He is getting councelling, from what he has told me it is not in regards to his mastubating or lying to me but is about the veiws he has on our marriage and that marriage and the family are not his number one priority. I guess his councellor feels he needs to address that issue first so that we have a base to work from to solve the other issues. It may sound stupid or selfish of me but I told him I would not go together until I could see he had made a commitment to working on it himself. My reason for this is I did not want to be hurt if he was not ready to work on saving the marriage. Now I don't know if this has helped at all but I thought I would let you see into another womans head on this.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Kelski: Not every man wants a warm body at every sexual experience. Sometimes just the quick release without the hassles will suffice. I personally do not see anything wrong with masturbation. It's definitely not something to get all riled up over. However, if a man chooses masturbation more often than having sex, that's a problem. Sounds like the wife has issues with her own sexuality. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Kelski, AMEN! Well said. That is what's going on in my house now, too. For months and months now my H would get into bed and start doing "it". He would completely ignore me and I'd lie there feeling totally ignored and just plain awful. I would even ask him "why are you doing that instead of making love with me?" and he'd answer that he was only relieving stress. He was too tired to really make love, his neck and back hurt too much, etc. (it's true--he had neck surgery last year and has very badly bulging discs in his lower spine, too). At times, he would ask me to participate and me, being so desperate for some show of affection would comply. However, at no time would he even lay a hand on me, let alone initiate some type of affection towards me.Then, one day while doing routine housecleaning, I discovered a love letter from a woman who studies martial arts with him. Our lives haven't been the same since then. Since then, I've found all kinds of things both in the house and in the car--gifts, personal clothing items that were not mine, even the empty package for a female vibrator! (talk about giving a gift that keeps on giving! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

)So, your answer that masturbating being preferred to one's mate's charms and needs could signify a problem is dead on right. Also, it could be a physical problem, too. NOW he says that he's 'numb' from the waist down, and to see him get up and walk, you'd have to believe him on that one. But go to a doctor for help?? NOoo! that would solve the problem, you see. Right.Smiles, Winny

Wow, is this a painful post to read... hmmm, I'm not sure about my position on this. I guess basically it would hurt me to if I saw my H masterbate while I was there. I happen to enjoy sex. So, back before we started having trouble when he ceased all sexual activity with me in the first place... if I were to see him, it would have disturbed me. In fact even now, I know he does it and he says it is less complicated.Somebody said something about masturbating instead of all the hassle of having sex... that's a shocker to me. What is up with your marriage? Anyway, it sounds like your "TAKER" is in 5th gear and where is the "GIVER" in you? Anyway, can someone please make reference here to the principles of this website... most commonly known as the Policy of Joint Agreement (aka POJA)? This is DO NOTHING WITHOUT THE ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT OF YOUR SPOUSE. Yeah, that's NOTHING...Geeszh... why does this topic upset me?------------------ As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another... Prov 27:17

I'm sorry, and some of you may think I'm nuts BUT..... I love to watch my H masturbate. It is so sexy and erotic and it only enhances our sex life. As a matter of fact, sometimes I ask him to. But then again, I'm usually always involved when he does it and am very much a part of it. And I think that if I were to find him doing it he would certainly love for me to either join in or watch. I think it would bother me too if he didn't want me involved when he was doing it. But I don't see why any man would not want their SO involved unless something else is going on in his mind that involves another woman, then I could see him feeling like three is a crowd.

OVRCS - My marriage is fine, thank you. We both give and take equally. If my H wanted to masturbate, that's his choice. If I want to, that's my choice. He doesn't get upset nor do I. Just because two people are married doesn't mean that every little move must be made together like you're joined at the hip. Jeeze! All I'm saying is that sometimes sex CAN be a hassle (you're tired, not feeling well, not in the mood, etc.... get it?) and if your H or W needs the release, they can just do it themselves. It is natural for people to masturbate. If someone wants to "fly solo" instead of having sex too often, then it's a problem. This is a no-brainer.PS-I enjoy watching my H do it, too!

I think your wife is offended and also realized she talked you into doing something but she did not see the end result or consequence as she did not know it would help you to slip in your instinctive male (natural behaviour) of masturbating as you seem to find the porn movie exiting, but she is now feeling emotionally neglectedWhy don't you take her and sit down and say, perhaps the whole thing was not a good idea and we both let it go too farTell her you will stop masturbating altogether and watching porn movies and mags and whatever access you have to it because let us face it it is a lie we are watchingI had a woman (ex-porn star) write to my prayer group telling us how genitally damaged she was after acting out various acts requested by the director and today it is irrepairableThe porn is guilty of distracting you from your real world with herTell her she comes first and you are both number oneThrow it all out in front of herTell her to help youBurn itShow her she comes firstAnd promise her never to do it again but she must promise you she will not encourage it again eitherThen read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> thouroughlyIt could save your marriage Go out together after that and make each other a promise that you will both never go into that stuff againIt is a great love buster because you are cheating in your heart and she is when you watch itMarriage should be the two of you as oneNot the two of you and watching outlets like that that kills your marriageIt was a mistake but can be correctedWith christian loveCarol kidnpuppetshows@hotmail.com

Carol, your reply is not realistic, and is tilted to one side of the issue. Porn doesn't kill marriages, people kill marriages. Masturbation & Porn can be healthy in a balanced relationship, as long as it doesn't interfere with normal relations. People have different libidos, it's a fact, just read other posts on this site. As longs as it doesn't diminish your joint relationships, it is healthy & can avoid other issues. Talk about a stress releiver ;0) So, please your partner, please yourself but not to the detriment of the other.

I have been reading and re-reading the posts on this one and I just can't understand what the fuss is all about. Now, I do agree that if she is available and willing and wanting, and he still turns to masterbation, then yes, there is something wrong.I asked my W about this and she told me that if I chose to do this that was fine with her....she preferred I give it to her....but it was my decision and did not have an effect on her...Didn't I read somewhere that during several scientific surveys, it was found that somewhere over 90% (I think I heard 98%) of American men have been known to masterbate at some point in their lives.I have and I do because my W and I are still trying to get our sexual rythmn going in our marriage and at times I just need that release. There are times when we are in the shower or on the bed when she will help me along...It boils down to what is acceptable to the two parties.But to want a divorce...PLEAAAASEEEEEEE Just some more fuel for the fire...

"I am afraid that your wife is very immature concerning this issue. I think that she needs to take a human sexuality course and get into therapy. If she would file for divorce over this issue then she is really way to immature to be married." I totally agree with this statement. She really needs to get over it all ready. I would think it would be kinda hot to walk in on that hahaha

My SO masturbates regularly in addition to making love to me. I found out that he does this pretty recently. It doesn't really bother me, it's just that he is doing it very often. One thing about him is that he is very lazy, to the point that he only showers 1-2 times per week (when he turns me down, his reason is "no shower" most often). Sometimes I just wonder if he masturbates because he is too lazy to take a shower and have sex with me. I shared this concern with him and he informed me a week later that he stopped masturbating all together. I'm talking 4-6 times per week. My question is this: Is this possible for a man to stop masturbating so often and not change frequency of lovemaking at all?

Hi Balbina;First of all, if I don't shower at least once a day...I STINK and I can't stand to be with myself....never understood why men can't keep clean...hmmmmAs for the masturbation thing...Shhhhhhh don't tell anyone but I have pretty much since I was about 13. I have quit at times. For me there has to be some kind of outlet. Also, if I recall correctly ( I stand to be corrected) over 90% of american men do it. Also, men's hormones run on about a 3 day cycle, meaning that about every three days or so, the testes and other glands build up enough sperm and semen that there needs to be a release..hence the common myth that men are hormonaly driven....we are. Women on the other hand, only about once a month are hormonally driven and need to be aroused in between for intercourse....or orgasm.Of course, there are exceptions to every rule.I still masturbate and it does not affect the frequency or quality of being with my W.I would make him take a bath if he wanted to be with me....Hope this answers a few questions...[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited July 01, 2001).]

Wow. I can't believe this thread is still alive.Well, I have cut all means of communications with my W. I still can't comprehend the magnitude of this situation, but I have to go on. I just wished that I'd had found out that she's that immature earlier, instead of having spent 3 years.

Gimme;Sorry to hear this....is this a plan a thing or a plan b?If we can help....ask...I really don't know what her problem was/is....FB

Gimme,Does it have to do with not meeting your wife's emotional needs? I pray for peace for the both of you... ------------------ As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another... Prov 27:17

Balbina - I would not let my H TOUCH me if he showered as infrequently as your H! Yuck! Shower once a day minimum or else he can masturbate all he wants. I want no part of a stinky, smelly man. EWWWWWW!

It's neither plan A or plan B.I have exhausted all means of getting back together. When I talked to her, she turns cold. When I came back to get my things, she looks as if she wants to kill me. To this day, I cannot fathom what I've done to deserve that.She did not want to see a counselor. So, there's really nothing else I can do, and I'm tired of this. It's hard, and I've got to move on.

Oh, sorry man. What a bad deal... Try posting over on the Divorced/Divorcing board... I'm over there more frequently and there are more people who can help you as you navigate your way through this separation and all of the anxiety that goes along with it...Cheers mate!------------------ As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another... Prov 27:17

Dear giveme, I'm really sorry to hear about your wife's reaction to walking in on you masturbating to porn. Obviously, her reaction was that you were actually cheating on her and she cannot forgive you.In your mind, you weren't 'cheating' on her, but in her mind, I'm sure that is how she must view masturbation--to react with such scorn. Wow.I'm adventurous and my husband is conservative (sexually). I don't know how we end up with differences like these in our marriages, but perhaps God is trying to get us all balanced out in various ways. HE knows what we need. Marriage is honorable and the bed is undefiled. What goes on in the bedroom between married people who enthusiastically agree is nobody else's business.Hopefully this is not really the end of the road for you. Don't give up so easily. Give her time to meet some other jerks out there and I'm sure she will realize your mistake is well worth forgiving. You guys are young, you can get through this. Keep the faith!

I sympathize with you. My experience with my husband is that what happens during sex (masturbation included) rarely has to do with the sex act itself. When my husband & I were the closest emotionally, we always had the best sex and he was more receptive to the "kinky" things I wanted to do (I am a bit more explorative than he). Things that he hadn't accepted in the past, he was more likely to accept them when our "issues" were resolved. You seemed to note this in your mail as well when you stated that your wife & you has other conflicts as well. I understand your hurt of her non-acceptance, but perhaps you may want to explore ways in which you have not accepted or listened to her. I am not saying that you are to blame, or that she is to blame. But there may be some issues that both of you have to tackle at once. 27 years is a long way. This is just a small bump. Good luck.

I would kind of like to be able to tell my husband the same thing. So let me tell you my thoughts about your situation. One thing that I think you are missing is that your wife like myself is a "girl"...my husband seems to forget that as well. (we're only together 1.5 yrs now) but what I would like for you to think of is yes you are a man, with normal sexual feelings, we both masterbate, I think that is the ok part, however when your wife said she was angry that you chose to masterbate insted of be with her, that is my EXACT same feelings, why is my husband chosing the videos,books,fist over me....probably many reasons, maybe no reason... however to us "girls" it is the most severe feeling of rejection that we could possibly receive from our mate. Yes I have gained alot of weight, yes I have changed, yes my hair is greying, etc. but so has he, I think this is what we call "growing old" together... you go through lots of changes. But to a "girl" the one thing we never want to lose is the man who takes us to bed, snuggles us, kisses us (not pecks - for gods sakes kiss us) we want passion, sometimes just raw sex, but how can we convey this to you without making you say to yourself "oh god she is nagging again"... right... well so we say to you "please pay attention to me" that means... stop watching that damn tv and come give me some one on one real attention. Stop thinking of only your "**** " and think of "mine" as well... but it seems as time passes we slowly drift into a pattern of dinner, beer, tv, talk, shower, bed, sleep, up, work, eat.... get the picture... so as for me, my husband is not the type of man to think every once in a while "outside the box" and remember that I am a girl... buy me a carnation, bring me home a "girls" magazine, bring me home a "ben & Jerrys" and make me feel like you want to take part in "my" day and night as well.... so I know I have gotten off the path of your masterbation problem, I am trying to figure out how to tell my husband to leave his fist and come to me.... obviously you won't do that all the time, but when we "find out" ... it hurts... it hurts the "girl" in us to see our mate reject us in such a way... please don't be so hard on her, and try to talk it over and remember she is still deep down a "daddys girl"..... no matter how strong, big, tough, corporate job etc..... she wants to be treated like a girl.....so put down your "**** " and think maybe I can include her in this fun for the afternoon.....then sometime when you decide to masterbate, do it alone, and leave NO NONE tell tale signs at all....then I would never know and all would be ok for the day.....hope this helped, only wish I could figure out how to tell my mate that I am sitting here tonight in tears, because his "masterbation tape" is out of its box and is ontop of the bedroom closet shelf....hummmmmm wish he could and would remember that I am a GIRL.... good luck and don't give up, she does love you very much, as I do him !!!!!!

I just wanted to let you know that I found a video of my H masturbating. I wish he had made it for me instead of his email friends. Anyway, my very religious parents drilled it into our heads as we grew up that masturbating was a sin. Could this be where your wife is coming from?

It seems to me that the issue of masturbation is not the only reason she wants to separate. It seems that her emotional needs for admiration and affection and sexual fulfillment are not being met by you. Live with that atomsphere for awhile and yes you do give up hope. I've been living it and still continue to live it. I got real tired of my husband turning to internet porn, cybersex, and webcamming and using his hand instead of making love to me and wasting time with other women online. I have always been ready, willing and able to make love during our 12 years of marriage. He chose a glowing screen, empty words from strangers and his hand instead of feeling what passion and desire are all about with a woman promised for life to him who was ready to meet his every sexual need. I'm not some frigid woman who just lays there to get it over with. I can make love to him like there is no tomorrow and am willing to try new things. I am still puzzled over why he chose cybersex and porn instead of me.I felt rejected. I felt unloved. I felt replaced. I felt cheated on.All so he could jack off and not pay any attention to me.If it bothers her, then you need to pay attention now before you lose her. She needs to feel desired. Whacking off to a video is not the way to do it.If you are not wanting a slow passionate love making seesion every time, why not try a quickie on the bathroom sink instead of wanking about so much? You are masturbating with yourself more than you are making love to her.I'd be hurt too. Bluebird <A HREF="http://www.bustedyouonline.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bustedyouonline.com</A>