OVRCS - My marriage is fine, thank you. We both give and take equally. If my H wanted to masturbate, that's his choice. If I want to, that's my choice. He doesn't get upset nor do I. Just because two people are married doesn't mean that every little move must be made together like you're joined at the hip. Jeeze! All I'm saying is that sometimes sex CAN be a hassle (you're tired, not feeling well, not in the mood, etc.... get it?) and if your H or W needs the release, they can just do it themselves. It is natural for people to masturbate. If someone wants to "fly solo" instead of having sex too often, then it's a problem. This is a no-brainer.<P>PS-I enjoy watching my H do it, too!

I think your wife is offended and also realized she talked you into doing something but she did not see the end result or consequence as she did not know it would help you to slip in your instinctive male (natural behaviour) of masturbating as you seem to find the porn movie exiting, but she is now feeling emotionally neglected<P>Why don't you take her and sit down and say, perhaps the whole thing was not a good idea and we both let it go too far<P>Tell her you will stop masturbating altogether and watching porn movies and mags and whatever access you have to it because let us face it it is a lie we are watching<P>I had a woman (ex-porn star) write to my prayer group telling us how genitally damaged she was after acting<BR>out various acts requested by the director and today it is irrepairable<P>The porn is guilty of distracting you from your real world with her<P>Tell her she comes first and you are both number one<P>Throw it all out in front of her<P>Tell her to help you<P>Burn it<P>Show her she comes first<P>And promise her never to do it again but she must promise you she will not encourage it again either<P>Then read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> thouroughly<P>It could save your marriage <P>Go out together after that and make each other a promise that you will both never go into that stuff again<P>It is a great love buster because you are cheating in your heart and she is when you watch it<P>Marriage should be the two of you as one<P>Not the two of you and watching outlets like that that kills your marriage<P>It was a mistake but can be corrected<P>With christian love<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshows@hotmail.com

I think your wife is offended and also realized she talked you into doing something but she did not see the end result or consequence as she did not know it would help you to slip in your instinctive male (natural behaviour) of masturbating as you seem to find the porn movie exiting, but she is now feeling emotionally neglected<P>Why don't you take her and sit down and say, perhaps the whole thing was not a good idea and we both let it go too far<P>Tell her you will stop masturbating altogether and watching porn movies and mags and whatever access you have to it because let us face it it is a lie we are watching<P>I had a woman (ex-porn star) write to my prayer group telling us how genitally damaged she was after acting<BR>out various acts requested by the director and today it is irrepairable<P>The porn is guilty of distracting you from your real world with her<P>Tell her she comes first and you are both number one<P>Throw it all out in front of her<P>Tell her to help you<P>Burn it<P>Show her she comes first<P>And promise her never to do it again but she must promise you she will not encourage it again either<P>Then read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> thouroughly<P>It could save your marriage <P>Go out together after that and make each other a promise that you will both never go into that stuff again<P>It is a great love buster because you are cheating in your heart and she is when you watch it<P>Marriage should be the two of you as one<P>Not the two of you and watching outlets like that that kills your marriage<P>It was a mistake but can be corrected<P>With christian love<P>Carol<BR>kidnpuppetshows@hotmail.com

Carol, your reply is not realistic, and is tilted to one side of the issue. Porn doesn't kill marriages, people kill marriages. Masturbation & Porn can be healthy in a balanced relationship, as long as it doesn't interfere with normal relations. People have different libidos, it's a fact, just read other posts on this site. As longs as it doesn't diminish your joint relationships, it is healthy & can avoid other issues. Talk about a stress releiver ;0)<P> So, please your partner, please yourself but not to the detriment of the other. <BR>

I have been reading and re-reading the posts on this one and I just can't understand what the fuss is all about. <P>Now, I do agree that if she is available and willing and wanting, and he still turns to masterbation, then yes, there is something wrong.<P>I asked my W about this and she told me that if I chose to do this that was fine with her....she preferred I give it to her....but it was my decision and did not have an effect on her...<P>Didn't I read somewhere that during several scientific surveys, it was found that somewhere over 90% (I think I heard 98%) of American men have been known to masterbate at some point in their lives.<P>I have and I do because my W and I are still trying to get our sexual rythmn going in our marriage and at times I just need that release. There are times when we are in the shower or on the bed when she will help me along...<P>It boils down to what is acceptable to the two parties.<P>But to want a divorce...PLEAAAASEEEEEEE<BR>Just some more fuel for the fire...

"I am afraid that your wife is very immature concerning this issue. I think that she needs to take a human sexuality course and get into therapy. If she would file for divorce over this issue then she is really way to immature to be married."<BR>I totally agree with this statement. She really needs to get over it all ready. I would think it would be kinda hot to walk in on that hahaha <BR>

My SO masturbates regularly in addition to making love to me. I found out that he does this pretty recently. It doesn't really bother me, it's just that he is doing it very often. <BR>One thing about him is that he is very lazy, to the point that he only showers 1-2 times per week (when he turns me down, his reason is "no shower" most often). Sometimes I just wonder if he masturbates because he is too lazy to take a shower and have sex with me. I shared this concern with him and he informed me a week later that he stopped masturbating all together. I'm talking 4-6 times per week. <BR>My question is this: Is this possible for a man to stop masturbating so often and not change frequency of lovemaking at all? <BR>

Hi Balbina;<P>First of all, if I don't shower at least once a day...I STINK and I can't stand to be with myself....never understood why men can't keep clean...hmmmm<P>As for the masturbation thing...Shhhhhhh don't tell anyone but I have pretty much since I was about 13. I have quit at times. For me there has to be some kind of outlet. Also, if I recall correctly ( I stand to be corrected) over 90% of american men do it. Also, men's hormones run on about a 3 day cycle, meaning that about every three days or so, the testes and other glands build up enough sperm and semen that there needs to be a release..hence the common myth that men are hormonaly driven....we are. Women on the other hand, only about once a month are hormonally driven and need to be aroused in between for intercourse....or orgasm.<P>Of course, there are exceptions to every rule.<P>I still masturbate and it does not affect the frequency or quality of being with my W.<P>I would make him take a bath if he wanted to be with me....<P>Hope this answers a few questions...<p>[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited July 01, 2001).]

Wow. I can't believe this thread is still alive.<P>Well, I have cut all means of communications with my W. I still can't comprehend the magnitude of this situation, but I have to go on. <P>I just wished that I'd had found out that she's that immature earlier, instead of having spent 3 years.

Gimme;<P>Sorry to hear this....is this a plan a thing or a plan b?<P>If we can help....ask...I really don't know what her problem was/is....<P>FB

Gimme,<P>Does it have to do with not meeting your wife's emotional needs? I pray for peace for the both of you...<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Balbina - I would not let my H TOUCH me if he showered as infrequently as your H! Yuck! Shower once a day minimum or else he can masturbate all he wants. I want no part of a stinky, smelly man. EWWWWWW!

It's neither plan A or plan B.<P>I have exhausted all means of getting back together. When I talked to her, she turns cold. When I came back to get my things, she looks as if she wants to kill me. To this day, I cannot fathom what I've done to deserve that.<P>She did not want to see a counselor. So, there's really nothing else I can do, and I'm tired of this. It's hard, and I've got to move on.

Oh, sorry man. What a bad deal... <P>Try posting over on the Divorced/Divorcing board... I'm over there more frequently and there are more people who can help you as you navigate your way through this separation and all of the anxiety that goes along with it...<P>Cheers mate!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Dear giveme,<BR>I'm really sorry to hear about your wife's reaction to walking in on you masturbating to porn. Obviously, her reaction was that you were actually cheating on her and she cannot forgive you.<P>In your mind, you weren't 'cheating' on her, but in her mind, I'm sure that is how she must view masturbation--to react with such scorn. Wow.<P>I'm adventurous and my husband is conservative (sexually). I don't know how we end up with differences like these in our marriages, but perhaps God is trying to get us all balanced out in various ways. HE knows what we need. Marriage is honorable and the bed is undefiled. What goes on in the bedroom between married people who enthusiastically agree is nobody else's business.<P>Hopefully this is not really the end of the road for you. Don't give up so easily. Give her time to meet some other jerks out there and I'm sure she will realize your mistake is well worth forgiving. You guys are young, you can get through this. Keep the faith!

I sympathize with you. My experience with my husband is that what happens during sex (masturbation included) rarely has to do with the sex act itself. When my husband & I were the closest emotionally, we always had the best sex and he was more receptive to the "kinky" things I wanted to do (I am a bit more explorative than he). Things that he hadn't accepted in the past, he was more likely to accept them when our "issues" were resolved. You seemed to note this in your mail as well when you stated that your wife & you has other conflicts as well. I understand your hurt of her non-acceptance, but perhaps you may want to explore ways in which you have not accepted or listened to her. I am not saying that you are to blame, or that she is to blame. But there may be some issues that both of you have to tackle at once. 27 years is a long way. This is just a small bump. Good luck.

I would kind of like to be able to tell my husband the same thing. So let me tell you my thoughts about your situation. One thing that I think you are missing is that your wife like myself is a "girl"...my husband seems to forget that as well. (we're only together 1.5 yrs now) but what I would like for you to think of is yes you are a man, with normal sexual feelings, we both masterbate, I think that is the ok part, however when your wife said she was angry that you chose to masterbate insted of be with her, that is my EXACT same feelings, why is my husband chosing the videos,books,fist over me....probably many reasons, maybe no reason... however to us "girls" it is the most severe feeling of rejection that we could possibly receive from our mate. Yes I have gained alot of weight, yes I have changed, yes my hair is greying, etc. but so has he, I think this is what we call "growing old" together... you go through lots of changes. But to a "girl" the one thing we never want to lose is the man who takes us to bed, snuggles us, kisses us (not pecks - for gods sakes kiss us) we want passion, sometimes just raw sex, but how can we convey this to you without making you say to yourself "oh god she is nagging again"... right... well so we say to you "please pay attention to me" that means... stop watching that damn tv and come give me some one on one real attention. Stop thinking of only your "**** " and think of "mine" as well... but it seems as time passes we slowly drift into a pattern of dinner, beer, tv, talk, shower, bed, sleep, up, work, eat.... get the picture... so as for me, my husband is not the type of man to think every once in a while "outside the box" and remember that I am a girl... buy me a carnation, bring me home a "girls" magazine, bring me home a "ben & Jerrys" and make me feel like you want to take part in "my" day and night as well.... so I know I have gotten off the path of your masterbation problem, I am trying to figure out how to tell my husband to leave his fist and come to me.... obviously you won't do that all the time, but when we "find out" ... it hurts... it hurts the "girl" in us to see our mate reject us in such a way... please don't be so hard on her, and try to talk it over and remember she is still deep down a "daddys girl"..... no matter how strong, big, tough, corporate job etc..... she wants to be treated like a girl.....so put down your "**** " and think maybe I can include her in this fun for the afternoon.....then sometime when you decide to masterbate, do it alone, and leave NO NONE tell tale signs at all....then I would never know and all would be ok for the day.....hope this helped, only wish I could figure out how to tell my mate that I am sitting here tonight in tears, because his "masterbation tape" is out of its box and is ontop of the bedroom closet shelf....hummmmmm wish he could and would remember that I am a GIRL.... good luck and don't give up, she does love you very much, as I do him !!!!!!

I just wanted to let you know that I found a video of my H masturbating. I wish he had made it for me instead of his email friends. Anyway, my very religious parents drilled it into our heads as we grew up that masturbating was a sin. Could this be where your wife is coming from?

It seems to me that the issue of masturbation is not the only reason she wants to separate. It seems that her emotional needs for admiration and affection and sexual fulfillment are not being met by you. Live with that atomsphere for awhile and yes you do give up hope. I've been living it and still continue to live it. <P>I got real tired of my husband turning to internet porn, cybersex, and webcamming and using his hand instead of making love to me and wasting time with other women online. I have always been ready, willing and able to make love during our 12 years of marriage. He chose a glowing screen, empty words from strangers and his hand instead of feeling what passion and desire are all about with a woman promised for life to him who was ready to meet his every sexual need. I'm not some frigid woman who just lays there to get it over with. I can make love to him like there is no tomorrow and am willing to try new things. I am still puzzled over why he chose cybersex and porn instead of me.<P>I felt rejected. I felt unloved. I felt replaced. I felt cheated on.<P>All so he could jack off and not pay any attention to me.<P>If it bothers her, then you need to pay attention now before you lose her. She needs to feel desired. Whacking off to a video is not the way to do it.<P>If you are not wanting a slow passionate love making seesion every time, why not try a quickie on the bathroom sink instead of wanking about so much? You are masturbating with yourself more than you are making love to her.<P>I'd be hurt too.<P><BR>Bluebird <A HREF="http://www.bustedyouonline.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.bustedyouonline.com</A> <P>