Need ideas on phrasing something for H - 01/23/04 07:40 PM
H has agreed to read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" with me. I'm floored (and ecstatic), to put it mildly. I'd asked him to read just the chapter on EN and do the questionnaire over a year ago, but I think he was still too involved in his EA or the fallout of it and he just let it sit on the dresser for several weeks until I put it away.
Then I told him a month or two ago I had a book I'd like him to read with me and his response was to lean back in his chair with a big sigh and "Oh, F***!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I retreated but broached the subject again in a day or two, having decided that it was important to me. He agreed, and we're reading it! This is all beside the point of my question, but it's so happy I wanted to share it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
So we're talking about love banks, and how when the balance is high you want to rush to the person and spend all your time with them, and when you're apart you want to be back with them. He says this is how he feels about me. I, however, am in a completely different frame of mind.
I explained to him, as carefully as I could:
The reason we're going to a MC and the reason I want him to read this book with me, is because right now his balance in my account is hovering around zero. I know it can be better, I want it to be better, but I'm not sure how to tell him how to make it better. The book explains, better than I ever could, insights into my soul and how I work. I love him, but at this point it's a conscious decision rather than a feeling of romantic love brought on by a high balance. I don't mean that as any kind of threat, I'm not running off anywhere, but he does need to know how things stand.
He took this really well, and he knows why I feel this way. As he put it, his account was really high, and then his EA overdrew it BIG TIME (no surprise). We read a bit more.
Then, at the end of the hour, I thanked him and told him what a big difference some of the things he'd said to me had made. He agreed we'd made big progress in two pages. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He also told me he'd heard that I'm "this close" to running out the door.
I reassured him that I'm not going anywhere, and told him not to beat himself up or agonize over it.
My question to you is how can I be honest with him about how things stand in a gentle, loving manner? I don't want him fretting and worrying that I'm about to bolt. I don't want him getting frustrated and wanting to throw in the towel because "What's the use, she's about to leave anyway." I also don't want to give him a false sense of security so that he doesn't feel he needs to bother working on our M any more. It's clear that he's pretty happy and would be totally satisfied letting bygones be bygones, whereas I have come to the conclusion that I do NOT want that old marriage. I want a MB marriage, and if things don't change it's true I would prefer to be on my own. The thing is, I think they can change.
Then I told him a month or two ago I had a book I'd like him to read with me and his response was to lean back in his chair with a big sigh and "Oh, F***!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I retreated but broached the subject again in a day or two, having decided that it was important to me. He agreed, and we're reading it! This is all beside the point of my question, but it's so happy I wanted to share it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
So we're talking about love banks, and how when the balance is high you want to rush to the person and spend all your time with them, and when you're apart you want to be back with them. He says this is how he feels about me. I, however, am in a completely different frame of mind.
I explained to him, as carefully as I could:
The reason we're going to a MC and the reason I want him to read this book with me, is because right now his balance in my account is hovering around zero. I know it can be better, I want it to be better, but I'm not sure how to tell him how to make it better. The book explains, better than I ever could, insights into my soul and how I work. I love him, but at this point it's a conscious decision rather than a feeling of romantic love brought on by a high balance. I don't mean that as any kind of threat, I'm not running off anywhere, but he does need to know how things stand.
He took this really well, and he knows why I feel this way. As he put it, his account was really high, and then his EA overdrew it BIG TIME (no surprise). We read a bit more.
Then, at the end of the hour, I thanked him and told him what a big difference some of the things he'd said to me had made. He agreed we'd made big progress in two pages. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He also told me he'd heard that I'm "this close" to running out the door.
I reassured him that I'm not going anywhere, and told him not to beat himself up or agonize over it.
My question to you is how can I be honest with him about how things stand in a gentle, loving manner? I don't want him fretting and worrying that I'm about to bolt. I don't want him getting frustrated and wanting to throw in the towel because "What's the use, she's about to leave anyway." I also don't want to give him a false sense of security so that he doesn't feel he needs to bother working on our M any more. It's clear that he's pretty happy and would be totally satisfied letting bygones be bygones, whereas I have come to the conclusion that I do NOT want that old marriage. I want a MB marriage, and if things don't change it's true I would prefer to be on my own. The thing is, I think they can change.