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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,965
T
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T
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H has agreed to read "Fall in Love, Stay in Love" with me. I'm floored (and ecstatic), to put it mildly. I'd asked him to read just the chapter on EN and do the questionnaire over a year ago, but I think he was still too involved in his EA or the fallout of it and he just let it sit on the dresser for several weeks until I put it away.

Then I told him a month or two ago I had a book I'd like him to read with me and his response was to lean back in his chair with a big sigh and "Oh, F***!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I retreated but broached the subject again in a day or two, having decided that it was important to me. He agreed, and we're reading it! This is all beside the point of my question, but it's so happy I wanted to share it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So we're talking about love banks, and how when the balance is high you want to rush to the person and spend all your time with them, and when you're apart you want to be back with them. He says this is how he feels about me. I, however, am in a completely different frame of mind.

I explained to him, as carefully as I could:

The reason we're going to a MC and the reason I want him to read this book with me, is because right now his balance in my account is hovering around zero. I know it can be better, I want it to be better, but I'm not sure how to tell him how to make it better. The book explains, better than I ever could, insights into my soul and how I work. I love him, but at this point it's a conscious decision rather than a feeling of romantic love brought on by a high balance. I don't mean that as any kind of threat, I'm not running off anywhere, but he does need to know how things stand.

He took this really well, and he knows why I feel this way. As he put it, his account was really high, and then his EA overdrew it BIG TIME (no surprise). We read a bit more.

Then, at the end of the hour, I thanked him and told him what a big difference some of the things he'd said to me had made. He agreed we'd made big progress in two pages. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He also told me he'd heard that I'm "this close" to running out the door.

I reassured him that I'm not going anywhere, and told him not to beat himself up or agonize over it.

My question to you is how can I be honest with him about how things stand in a gentle, loving manner? I don't want him fretting and worrying that I'm about to bolt. I don't want him getting frustrated and wanting to throw in the towel because "What's the use, she's about to leave anyway." I also don't want to give him a false sense of security so that he doesn't feel he needs to bother working on our M any more. It's clear that he's pretty happy and would be totally satisfied letting bygones be bygones, whereas I have come to the conclusion that I do NOT want that old marriage. I want a MB marriage, and if things don't change it's true I would prefer to be on my own. The thing is, I think they can change.

Joined: May 2002
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Hi T,
I found MB about 2 years ago and started reading this stuff just like you. My W and I didn't have an A, but we needed work.

I don't have a good way for you to tell him, but I can maybe tell you a little about our process of moving from a weak marriage, to a very strong and wonderful one that we have now.

1. It takes time. You will have lots of conversations. Some of them will seem to work well, and some of them will be disasters and will leave you in tears. (some of the left me in tears, and I'm a guy.) When you have the bad ones, come back and read this and number 2 over and over.

2. You recover from the bad ones and you go on. Improvement continues if you don't give up. Try again, and again, and again.

3. Recovery (or improvement) is a process, not an
event. For us, it took about 1 1/2 to 1 3/4 years to go from where we were to the great place we are now. It's hard to know when you get there for sure, but I know we are there now. When I say it took over a year - I was happier after a year, but I still wondered if things would get to where I didn't worry about them all the time. Now I don't think about it most of the time - hardley ever, and it's about 99.9 percent good when I do (as in, "things are so great, I am so happy about this marriage stuff.")

4. What you do, is do the best you can. Read up on DJ's and say things so it is not a DJ. Practice it if you need to before you say it. Tell him up front it may be hard to take and that he should be prepared, but go ahead and say it.

Don't give up, this stuff really works !

Just for your info - I am H, 48, and my W is 46.

SS

Joined: Mar 2003
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Describe your love like a glass of water. Even though you may drink all the water from the glass there is always a drop or two left that never seem to go away. As long as you have that drop or two left you will stick around (and it's nearly impossible to get rid of that last drop...) You'd like the glass to be fuller, and you both will reap the rewards of a more ful"filling" (pardon the pun) M.

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T
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Thank you for your replies.

Still Seeking, I appreciate the reminder that recovery is a process and takes time. It was eye-opening to find out that you took over a year to get from a weak M to a strong one, even without having to deal with the fallout of an A. Also, it's good to hear that after we experience a setback we just need to persevere. I'm also learning that what feels like a setback at the moment may actually turn out to be a breakthrough. Time, time, time.

I'm glad you mentioned DJs, too. I'm sure I LB and sometimes it's difficult to catch ourselves doing them. I'll review LBs and especially DJs.

SHMI, your analogy is apt. I personally like analogies a lot; they show me an idea from a different angle and a lot of times the new angle makes everything "click". The glass of water shows how much work I feel needs to be done, and at the same time show I'm not ready to give up yet.

Thanks!


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