Ok, ok, ok... I'll try a Plan B - Marriage Builders® Forums

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WW is wreaking havoc with my emotions. It's not that she's still having her affair, (though there is still contact) but rather that she's got me dangling.

I've been waiting and dangling and waiting and dangling and it's killing me. I realize that ultimately I've got the power to end this suffering... all I've got to do is walk away... the problem with that is, I lose any chance of putting the peices of my family back together.

Heck, after what she's put me through, I'm not really sure I want those peices back together, but, well, I don't know... I'm very torn...

What I do know, though, is that I can't continue like this anymore.

I've put together a Plan B letter and will post it below for comments/input, which I so desperately need.

---------------------------
Dear xxxxxxx

Perhaps this is not the best time to be writing you...

I'm overtired from staying up with puking son all night and frankly still reeling from our last conversation. In "Surviving an Affair" Harley warns against hoping for a remorseful spouse, but I keep hoping for more.

"In fact the way she talked to Jon about getting back together sounded as if he was the one who had the affair. She made it seem as if he was lucky to have another chance to win her back." - pg 83

Being told that you were 'thinking about saving the marriage', far from being encouraging, was like being slapped in the face. It's as if you either aren't aware of the pain you have caused me or that you simply don't care. I'm still, after almost 3 months apart, trying to figure out which one it is.

You got angry with me on the phone this morning, when I expressed doubt that you would even check your email, much less respond to anything I've written. I understand that you are sick, but my reaction is based on months and months of conditioning. Scenario... I pour my heart out to you, you listen, and at the end of the conversation, I realize that I'm exactly where I was before the conversation even started. You have not shared with me. You've promised to... we've made plans and dates to talk, but inevitably something more pressing comes up and I get to stay in limbo-land. I am truly sorry that you are feeling ill. I do not doubt that many things are difficult for you while you feel this way, but at the same time, I feel that if it was important enough to you, you'd find a way to do it.

I've received a number of suggestions from MBers to go into Plan B with you. I resisted the idea because I'm a big believer in communication... I resisted the idea because we have a son together and I don't want to put him through that... I resisted the idea because whether or not we reconcile, we have stuff to work out in regards to debt, possessions, etc... I resisted the idea because I wanted you to know and feel that I still love you and want our family to be whole again... I also resisted the idea because I can't bear the thought of staying in limbo-land for another day. I'd rather be told there's no chance and try to move on with my life than live in limbo and slowly have my heart torn in two while I learn to hate you.

Still, my resistance to the Plan B idea is fading fast. I cannot stand it when you get mad at me for being so human. I cannot bear the fact that you have treated my loneliness and suffering with something that seems unsettlingly like actual disdain. It's adding insult to injury. I have let you treat me horribly, and I have to stop doing that because it's killing my feelings for you. Worse, it's twisting them.

Plan B will not ultimately preserve my love for you. I've thought this through, and as I posted on the boards, I dread the results of a Plan B. However, that being said, my loving thoughts and feelings will last longer in a Plan B than they will if the current trend continues.

Harley also says about Plan B; "...then Plan B separates the betrayed spouce- and the needs he or she met- form the wayward spouse. It is a taste of what is to come if the divorce takes place." -p79

Maybe that is what you need to stop 'thinking about saving our marriage' and making a commitment one way or the other. In one of our conversations, you said part of this whole thing was about getting some 'breathing space', and maybe a form of Plan B would meet that need too. Whatever. I don't know... If if has some positive benefits for you, then that would be good. For me though, it is essential that I remove myself from the situation.

Harley also recommends putting an expiry date or a deadline for Plan B. I cannot see the future, and don't know how long I will be able or willing to hold out hope for this. I've been damaged and as much as I pray for stregnth and grace, I'm still only human. I have every intention of continuing my life, working at my own personal growth and improving my situation. I'm sure there will come a point where I'm ready to let you go and move on. I've told you before I will never 'get over you' and still hold that as truth, but that doesn't mean I will wait forever. And it doesn't mean that I will be open to reconciliation past a certain point. I wish I could tell you what that point is.

I have spent a lot of time in thought and meditation and I have a growing understanding of many of the things that went wrong in our relationship. I'm working very hard on improving myself to ensure that those scenarios are never again repeated, regardless of 'our' outcome. I do not hold you responsible for the failing of our marriage. I forgive you for your affairs and the pain I've endured at your hands. I realize I played a huge part in both of them and the situation that allowed them to develop. I realize I've caused you just as much pain and suffering, and hope that reconciliation or not, you can forgive me for the mistakes that I've made.

All that being said, I think Plan B is the only way to go from here. Each time we talk, I'm left with a sense of hope and inevitably, that hope is dashed. This is something that I can no longer endure.

Until you have decided... finished thinking... processed... whatever you want to call it... until you are ready to either fully commit to restoring our family or peacefully dissolve it I'm going to ask you to respect a modified form of Plan B. We have no one to act as a mediator as far as our son or any of the other real life issues we need to address are concerned, so I will continue to phone on his behalf and will 'bring him to the door' myself. If I seem short on the phone, it is only because I'm trying to keep the distance. If I don't linger at the door, don't think that it's because I don't want to. I will ask that we use email to communicate in regards to any issues that need attention.

We have a houseful of articles still to deal with. I will do my best to arrange to collect what I can. I stand by my offer to use some of the proceeds from the auction/sales to help you move closer to your son. I stand by our agreement to use the rest to level as much of 'our' debt as possible. I will ask you to document all sales and payments.

I also feel that the child tax benefit cheques should be coming to me, as the responsiblility for his care at this point is in my hands. Out of concern for your current financial status, I will not ask you for support payments but feel that at the very least, those cheques should be going to where they can be directly applied to his benefit. You mentioned that a separation agreement was necessary for the cheques to be transfered. I have the number of a mediator and will give him a call this week to try to draft up a basic agreement.

I will also ask that we tackle any issues in regards to this situation via email before we tell our son anything else. Neither of us has handled him very well since this began, and I think we should stop making it worse. I've put a request in for counselling for him through the CLSC. I will keep you totally up to date as that develops.

I'm horribly saddened that it has all come to this. I love you so much, and have always loved you and look forward to that day when this will all behind us.

I wanted us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I wanted us to be able to meet each others emotional needs and also work as a team to build a successful and strong life together. I wanted us to build each other up and inspire each other to new and previously unimagined heights. I wanted these things and more, but am afraid to want them anymore, because it just seems like the 'want' is choking me.

I just cannot continue this way or be with you until you a) have no contact with OW and a clear and concise plan to rebuild our family or b) have decided that it is over... and then we can take it from there.

With all my love,

J

-----------------------

End of letter. It's kinda rambling, but that's the way I write. Keep in mind that she's familiar with MB and it's principles. ('Surviving An Affair' is actually her book)

dewt

Dewt,

Your letter is really long and I don't know that she'll stick with it until the end.

It also does a LOT of educating which is a big negative.

I'd suggest pulling out SAA or doing a search here for a sample Plan B letter and following the tried-and-true formula. Make it a love letter and explain that you need NC in order to protect what feelings you still have left.

Short, sweet, and simple as possible.

Ya, I know it's long... I started with a few plan B letters that I pulled off of other posts and from the book, and added them to an email I'd started and the whole thing kind of spiralled out of control.

I will try an edit...

<blockquote>quote:<hr />and the whole thing kind of spiralled out of control<hr /></blockquote>That's worth making into a sig line, dontcha think? Or a bumper sticker?

Maybe not. Maybe I'm in one of my manic "laugh to keep from crying" moments.

But for the moment, it's a great line!

I look forward to seeing what you come up with, Dewt.

Ok... it's still kind of long, but she reads very fast...

----------

Dear xxxxxxx

I've received a number of suggestions from MBers to go into Plan B with you. I resisted the idea because I'm a big believer in communication... I resisted the idea because we have a son together and I don't want to put him through that... I resisted the idea because whether or not we reconcile, we have stuff to work out in regards to debt, possessions, etc... I resisted the idea because I wanted you to know and feel that I still love you and want our family to be whole again... I also resisted the idea because I can't bear the thought of staying in limbo-land for another day. I'd rather be told there's no chance and try to move on with my life than live in limbo and slowly have my heart torn in two while I learn to hate you.

Still, my resistance to the Plan B idea is fading fast. I cannot stand it when you get mad at me for being so human. I cannot bear the fact that you have treated my loneliness and suffering with something that seems unsettlingly like casual disdain. It's adding insult to injury. I have let you treat me horribly, and I have to stop doing that because it's killing my feelings for you. Worse, it's twisting them.

Plan B will not ultimately preserve my love for you. I've thought this through, and as I posted on the boards, I dread the results of a Plan B. However, that being said, my loving thoughts and feelings will last longer in a Plan B than they will if the current trend continues.

Harley says about Plan B; "...then Plan B separates the betrayed spouse- and the needs he or she met- form the wayward spouse. It is a taste of what is to come if the divorce takes place." -p79

Maybe that is what you need to stop 'thinking about saving our marriage' and decide to make a commitment one way or the other. In one of our conversations, you said part of this whole thing was about getting some 'breathing space', and maybe a form of Plan B would meet that need too. Whatever. I don't know... If it has some positive benefits for you, then that would be good. For me though, it is essential that I remove myself from the situation.

Harley also recommends putting an expiry date or a deadline for Plan B. I cannot see the future, and don't know how long I will be able or willing to hold out hope for this. I was damaged even before all this happened and in ways that made me all the more vulnerable to the issues that I’m facing with you now. Every day that goes by tears at those wounds and as much as I pray for strength and grace, I'm still only human. I have every intention of continuing my life, working at my own personal growth and improving my situation. I'm sure there will come a point where I'm ready to let you go and move on. I've told you before I will never 'get over you' and still hold that as truth, but that doesn't mean I will wait forever. And it doesn't mean that I will be open to reconciliation past a certain point. I wish I could tell you what that point is.

I have spent a lot of time in thought and meditation and I have a growing understanding of many of the things that went wrong in our relationship. I'm working very hard on improving myself to ensure that those scenarios are never again repeated, regardless of 'our' outcome. I do not hold you responsible for the failing of our marriage. I forgive you for your affairs and the pain I've endured at your hands. I realize I played a huge part in both of them and the situation that allowed them to develop. I realize I've caused you just as much raw pain and suffering, and hope that reconciliation or not, you can forgive me for the mistakes that I've made.

All that being said, I think Plan B is the only way to go from here. Each time we talk, I'm left with a sense of hope and inevitably, that hope is dashed. This is something that I can no longer endure.

Until you have decided... finished thinking... processed... whatever you want to call it... until you are ready to either fully commit to restoring our family or peacefully dissolve it I'm going to ask you to respect a modified form of Plan B. We have no one to act as a mediator as far as our son or any of the other real life issues we need to address are concerned, so I will continue to phone on his behalf and will 'bring him to the door' myself. If we absolutely need to speak about anything, I will not hesitate, but prefer that we use email to communicate in regards to any issues that need attention.

We have a houseful of articles still to deal with. I will do my best to arrange to collect what I can. I stand by my offer to use some of the proceeds from the auction/sales to help you move closer to your son. I stand by our agreement to use the rest to level as much of 'our' debt as possible. I will ask you to document all sales and payments.

I also feel that the child tax benefit checks should be coming to me, as the responsibility for his care at this point is in my hands. Out of concern for your current financial status, I will not ask you for support payments but feel that at the very least, those cheques should be going to where they can be directly applied to his benefit. You mentioned that a separation agreement was necessary for the cheques to be transferred. I have the number of a mediator and will give him a call this week to see what steps are involved in drafting up a basic agreement.

I will also ask that we tackle any issues in regards to ‘our’ situation via email before we tell our son anything else. Neither of us has handled him very well since this began, and I think we should stop making it worse. I've put a request in for counseling for him through the CLSC. I will keep you totally up to date as that develops.

I'm horribly saddened that it has all come to this. I love you so much, and have always loved you and look forward to that day when this will all behind us.

I wanted us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I wanted us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and also work as a team to build a successful and strong life together. I wanted us to build each other up and inspire each other to new and previously unimagined heights. I wanted these things and more, but am afraid to want them anymore, because it just seems like the 'want' is choking me.

I just cannot continue this way or be with you until you a) have no contact with OW and a clear and concise plan to rebuild our family or b) have decided that it is over... and then we can, peacefully, with love and respect, take it from there.

With all my love,

J

Well, feel free to quote me on the 'spiralled' thing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

...and laughing to keep from crying, yikes, I can relate to that...

I'm going to go over it again... later... now my poor, sick son needs me... (2-player ATV Offroad Fury)

dewt

Stick to the classic Plan B letter. Just because he knows what it is does not mean you should go into detail.

Much too long!!!
Full of lovebusters and blame. Take the blame for what is yours and leave the rest alone (all his crap).

I've received a number of suggestions from MBers to go into Plan B with you. I resisted the idea because I'm a big believer in communication... I resisted the idea because we have a son together and I don't want to put him through that... I resisted the idea because whether or not we reconcile, we have stuff to work out in regards to debt, possessions, etc... I resisted the idea because I wanted you to know and feel that I still love you and want our family to be whole again... I also resisted the idea because I can't bear the thought of staying in limbo-land for another day. I'd rather be told there's no chance and try to move on with my life than live in limbo and slowly have my heart torn in two while I learn to hate you.
Leave all this out.

Still, my resistance to the Plan B idea is fading fast. I cannot stand it when you get mad at me for being so human. I cannot bear the fact that you have treated my loneliness and suffering with something that seems unsettlingly like casual disdain. It's adding insult to injury. I have let you treat me horribly, and I have to stop doing that because it's killing my feelings for you. Worse, it's twisting them.
Leave it out.

Plan B will not ultimately preserve my love for you. I've thought this through, and as I posted on the boards, I dread the results of a Plan B. However, that being said, my loving thoughts and feelings will last longer in a Plan B than they will if the current trend continues.
First you say it won’t preserve the love and then you say it will???

Harley says about Plan B; "...then Plan B separates the betrayed spouse- and the needs he or she met- form the wayward spouse. It is a taste of what is to come if the divorce takes place." -p79
Leave it out. Don’t “preach” to him.

Maybe that is what you need to stop 'thinking about saving our marriage' and decide to make a commitment one way or the other. In one of our conversations, you said part of this whole thing was about getting some 'breathing space', and maybe a form of Plan B would meet that need too. Whatever. I don't know... If it has some positive benefits for you, then that would be good. For me though, it is essential that I remove myself from the situation.
Leave this out.

Harley also recommends putting an expiry date or a deadline for Plan B. I cannot see the future, and don't know how long I will be able or willing to hold out hope for this.
Yeah he does recommend a time limit but it is NOT to discussed or even mentioned to the ws.

I was damaged even before all this happened and in ways that made me all the more vulnerable to the issues that I’m facing with you now. Every day that goes by tears at those wounds and as much as I pray for strength and grace, I'm still only human. I have every intention of continuing my life, working at my own personal growth and improving my situation. I'm sure there will come a point where I'm ready to let you go and move on. I've told you before I will never 'get over you' and still hold that as truth, but that doesn't mean I will wait forever. And it doesn't mean that I will be open to reconciliation past a certain point. I wish I could tell you what that point is.
Leave it out.

I have spent a lot of time in thought and meditation and I have a growing understanding of many of the things that went wrong in our relationship. I'm working very hard on improving myself to ensure that those scenarios are never again repeated,
Good!

regardless of 'our' outcome. I do not hold you responsible for the failing of our marriage. I forgive you for your affairs and the pain I've endured at your hands.
Leave this out.

I realize I played a huge part in both of them and the situation that allowed them to develop. I realize I've caused you just as much raw pain and suffering, and hope that reconciliation or not, you can forgive me for the mistakes that I've made.
Good.

All that being said, I think Plan B is the only way to go from here. Each time we talk, I'm left with a sense of hope and inevitably, that hope is dashed. This is something that I can no longer endure.
A bit confusing. When you talk, you’re left with hope and then that hope is dashed (meaning thrown away) but you don’t explain how/why it is dashed.

Until you have decided... finished thinking... processed... whatever you want to call it... until you are ready to either fully commit to restoring our family or peacefully dissolve it I'm going to ask you to respect a modified form of Plan B. We have no one to act as a mediator as far as our son or any of the other real life issues we need to address are concerned, so I will continue to phone on his behalf and will 'bring him to the door' myself. If we absolutely need to speak about anything, I will not hesitate, but prefer that we use email to communicate in regards to any issues that need attention.
Okay.

We have a houseful of articles still to deal with. I will do my best to arrange to collect what I can. I stand by my offer to use some of the proceeds from the auction/sales to help you move closer to your son. I stand by our agreement to use the rest to level as much of 'our' debt as possible. I will ask you to document all sales and payments.
LEave it out.

I also feel that the child tax benefit checks should be coming to me, as the responsibility for his care at this point is in my hands. Out of concern for your current financial status, I will not ask you for support payments but feel that at the very least, those cheques should be going to where they can be directly applied to his benefit. You mentioned that a separation agreement was necessary for the cheques to be transferred. I have the number of a mediator and will give him a call this week to see what steps are involved in drafting up a basic agreement.
Okay.

[/b]I will also ask that we tackle any issues in regards to ‘our’ situation via email before we tell our son anything else. Neither of us has handled him very well since this began, and I think we should stop making it worse[/b]
Leave out.

I've put a request in for counseling for him through the CLSC. I will keep you totally up to date as that develops.
Okay.

I'm horribly saddened that it has all come to this. I love you so much, and have always loved you and look forward to that day when this will all behind us.
Okay.

I wanted us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I wanted us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and also work as a team to build a successful and strong life together. I wanted us to build each other up and inspire each other to new and previously unimagined heights. I wanted these things and more, but am afraid to want them anymore, because it just seems like the 'want' is choking me.
You WANTED it but now you don’t?

I just cannot continue this way or be with you until you a) have no contact with OW and a clear and concise plan to rebuild our family or
Okay.

b) have decided that it is over
Leave it out. If you want a divorce, get one otherwise do not bring it up.

.. and then we can, peacefully, with love and respect, take it from there.

With all my love,
Good.

Ok, further choppage has occurred.
I left some stuff in because this letter is as much for me as it is for her.

Dear xxxxxxx

I've received a number of suggestions from MBers to go into Plan B with you. I resisted the idea because I'm a big believer in communication... I resisted the idea because we have a son together and I don't want to put him through that... I resisted the idea because whether or not we reconcile, we have stuff to work out in regards to debt, possessions, etc... I resisted the idea because I wanted you to know and feel that I still love you and want our family to be whole again... I also resisted the idea because I can't bear the thought of staying in limbo-land for another day. I'd rather be told there's no chance and try to move on with my life than live in limbo and slowly have my heart torn in two while I learn to hate you.

Still, my resistance to the Plan B idea is fading fast. I cannot stand it when you get mad at me for being so human. I cannot bear the fact that you have treated my loneliness and suffering with something that seems unsettlingly like casual disdain. It's adding insult to injury. I have let you treat me horribly, and I have to stop doing that because it's killing my feelings for you. Worse, it's twisting them.

Plan B will not ultimately preserve my love for you. I've thought this through, and as I posted on the boards, I dread the results of a Plan B. However, that being said, my loving thoughts and feelings will last longer in a Plan B than they will if the current trend continues.

I have spent a lot of time in thought and meditation and I have a growing understanding of many of the things that went wrong in our relationship. I'm working very hard on improving myself to ensure that those scenarios are never again repeated, regardless of 'our' outcome. I realize I played a huge part in developing the situation that allowed all this to happen. I realize I've caused you just as much raw pain and suffering, and hope that reconciliation or not, you can forgive me for the mistakes that I've made.

All that being said, I think Plan B is the only way to go from here. Each time we talk, I'm left with a sense of hope and inevitably, that hope is dashed. This is something that I can no longer endure.

(she will know what I'm talking about)

Until you have decided... finished thinking... processed... whatever you want to call it... until you are ready to either fully commit to restoring our family or peacefully dissolve it I'm going to ask you to respect a modified form of Plan B. We have no one to act as a mediator as far as our son or any of the other real life issues we need to address are concerned, so I will continue to phone on his behalf and will 'bring him to the door' myself. If we absolutely need to speak about anything, I will not hesitate, but prefer that we use email to communicate in regards to any issues that need attention.

I feel that the child tax benefit checks should be coming to me, as the responsibility for his care at this point is in my hands. Out of concern for your current financial status, I will not ask you for support payments but feel that at the very least, those cheques should be going to where they can be directly applied to his benefit. You mentioned that a separation agreement was necessary for the cheques to be transferred. I have the number of a mediator and will give him a call this week to try to draft up a basic agreement.

I will also ask that we tackle any issues in regards to ‘our’ situation via email before we tell our son anything else. I think it would be easier for him if he was given something concrete rather than dragged through this as it unfolds. I've put a request in for counseling for him through the CLSC. I will keep you totally up to date as that develops.

(I left this in because it's a really serious issue... should I work on rephrasing it?)

I'm horribly saddened that it has all come to this. I love you so much, and have always loved you and look forward to that day when this will all behind us.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and also work as a team to build a successful and strong life together. I want us to build each other up and inspire each other to new and previously unimagined heights.

I want these things and more, but I just cannot continue this way or be with you until you a) have no contact with OW and a clear and concise plan to rebuild our family or b) have decided that it is truly over... and then we can, peacefully, with love and respect, take it from there.

With all my love,

J

Don’t explain to him about Plan B. I wouldn't even mention Plan B at all.
Simply make it a simple Plan B letter.

I've received a number of suggestions from MBers to go into Plan B with you. I resisted the idea because I'm a big believer in communication... I resisted the idea because we have a son together and I don't want to put him through that... I resisted the idea because whether or not we reconcile, we have stuff to work out in regards to debt, possessions, etc... I resisted the idea because I wanted you to know and feel that I still love you and want our family to be whole again... I also resisted the idea because I can't bear the thought of staying in limbo-land for another day. I'd rather be told there's no chance and try to move on with my life than live in limbo and slowly have my heart torn in two while I learn to hate you.
Don’t need this. Sounds like MB “talked” you into doing it against your will.

Still, my resistance to the Plan B idea is fading fast. I cannot stand it when you get mad at me for being so human. I cannot bear the fact that you have treated my loneliness and suffering with something that seems unsettlingly like casual disdain. It's adding insult to injury. I have let you treat me horribly, and I have to stop doing that because it's killing my feelings for you. Worse, it's twisting them.
This all needs to be removed. It simply blames him. Plan B letter is NOT about him and his faults.

Plan B will not ultimately preserve my love for you.
Yes it will. This is what it is supposed to do. It’s not supposed to keep it forever though.

I've thought this through, and as I posted on the boards, I dread the results of a Plan B. However, that being said, my loving thoughts and feelings will last longer in a Plan B than they will if the current trend continues.
This is what Plan B will do.

I have spent a lot of time in thought and meditation and I have a growing understanding of many of the things that went wrong in our relationship. I'm working very hard on improving myself to ensure that those scenarios are never again repeated, regardless of 'our' outcome. I realize I played a huge part in developing the situation that allowed all this to happen. I realize I've caused you just as much raw pain and suffering, and hope that reconciliation or not, you can forgive me for the mistakes that I've made.
Okay.

All that being said, I think Plan B is the only way to go from here. Each time we talk, I'm left with a sense of hope and inevitably, that hope is dashed. This is something that I can no longer endure.

(she will know what I'm talking about)
Okay, but you’re playing the blame game again. (I try but you keep knocking me down.)
Leave it out.

Until you have decided... finished thinking... processed... whatever you want to call it... until you are ready to either fully commit to restoring our family
Put something like, “Until you make a serious decision to want to try again”.
The way you worded it seems like you are taking jabs at him.

or peacefully dissolve it
LEAVE THIS OUT!

I'm going to ask you to respect a modified form of Plan B.
Don’t assume he thinks/knows Plan B the same as you do. Simply tell him no contact until he wants to discuss recommitment.

We have no one to act as a mediator as far as our son or any of the other real life issues we need to address are concerned, so I will continue to phone on his behalf and will 'bring him to the door' myself. If we absolutely need to speak about anything, I will not hesitate, but prefer that we use email to communicate in regards to any issues that need attention.
Okay.

I feel that the child tax benefit checks should be coming to me, as the responsibility for his care at this point is in my hands. Out of concern for your current financial status, I will not ask you for support payments but feel that at the very least, those cheques should be going to where they can be directly applied to his benefit. You mentioned that a separation agreement was necessary for the cheques to be transferred.
A separation agreement is NOT required for this. He simply signs the check (if his name is on it) over to you.
If you get a separation agreement, child support is almost always discussed. A judge will look at the separation agreement when doing a final divorce decree.

I have the number of a mediator and will give him a call this week to try to draft up a basic agreement.
Are you agreed on a separation?

I will also ask that we tackle any issues in regards to ‘our’ situation via email before we tell our son anything else. I think it would be easier for him if he was given something concrete rather than dragged through this as it unfolds. I've put a request in for counseling for him through the CLSC. I will keep you totally up to date as that develops.

(I left this in because it's a really serious issue... should I work on rephrasing it?)
This is okay.

I'm horribly saddened that it has all come to this. I love you so much, and have always loved you and look forward to that day when this will all behind us.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and also work as a team to build a successful and strong life together. I want us to build each other up and inspire each other to new and previously unimagined heights.

I want these things and more, but I just cannot continue this way or be with you until you a) have no contact with OW
This is okay.

and a clear and concise plan to rebuild our family
This is NOT okay. You can’t expect him to have a plan to rebuild before he decides he even wants to do it. And what if he were to come up with a splendid plan (according to him) and you didn't like it?

or b) have decided that it is truly over
LEAVE THIS OUT!
If you want a divorce, get one. Don’t suggest it as an option, especially in a letter which is designed to save your marriage.
Steve Harley told me, “Don’t bring up divorce unless you want one.”

... and then we can, peacefully, with love and respect, take it from there.

With all my love,
Okay.

[ March 24, 2004, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]

Just take the one from SAA and make it fit YOU.
You don't need to hack it to death and add multiple pages.
Put some of your own personal issues in it.

I think you miss the point of a Plan B letter, dewt. It's not to persuade, convince, educate. Going to Plan B means you've given up trying to get her to understand you. Now you want peace. You want silence.

There's an old rule in writing: "Show, don't tell." You are doing an awful lot of telling, an awful lot of trying to explain your point of view one last time. Cut it. Won't work. Time to show.

You are informing her simply of YOUR decision. Do it simply. Make it loving -- this may be your last love letter, and in the weeks or months of silence potentially ahead, you'll want to remember that you were loving in your last letter -- not whining or preaching.

Presumably you've said all this already. Now it's time for her see this all for himself. Let the silence teach her. Not your words.

[ March 25, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]

ok...

one thing though... I'm the 'he'. She's the 'she'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (just a little detail) OW (read backstabbing-lesbian-home-wrecker)is also a 'she' (probably what threw you off)

I really appreciate the replies, folks. I haven't been getting a whole lot on my other thread(s) and almost just sent the letter before posting it here. As much as I tend to plow ahead and do things my-own-darn-way, I'm so grateful for the advice and am learning to listen.

Yer right, btw, I keep trying to make my points 'one last time' and that's largely why this letter has to be written. It's gotta stop somewhere.

I left in one paragraph... and I may need to rephrase it. I don't want to play the blame game, but it's essential that she understand why I'm going to plan B. OW is supposedly out of the picture (though there is at the very least still contact). This is more about the way she dangles reconciliation under my nose then doesn't follow up on it. Over and over... I just can't take it. I want to know what direction I'm going in. Plan B won't do that for me, I know, but at the very least I won't be on the roller coaster anymore.

Alright so here's the latest version...

Dear xxxxxx,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that not only helped make your affair with OW possible, but made our lives together such an unattractive option.

I have spent a lot of time in thought and meditation and I have a growing understanding of many of the things that went wrong in our marriage. I'm working very hard on improving myself to ensure that those scenarios are never again repeated, regardless of 'our' outcome. I realize I played a huge role in developing the situation that allowed all this to happen. I realize I've caused you just as much raw pain and suffering, and hope that reconciliation or not, you can forgive me for the mistakes that I've made.

All that being said, I think Plan B is the only way to go from here. Each time we talk, I'm left with a sense of hope and inevitably, that hope is dashed. This is something that I can no longer endure.

Until you have decided... finished thinking... processed... whatever you want to call it... until you are ready to make a serious decision to want to try again I'm going to ask that we severely limit contact between us.

We have no one to act as a mediator as far as our son or any of the other real life issues we need to address are concerned, so I will continue to phone on his behalf and will 'bring him to the door' myself. If we absolutely need to speak about anything, I will not hesitate, but prefer that we use email to communicate in regards to any issues that need attention.

I feel that the child tax benefit checks should be coming to me, as the responsibility for his care at this point is in my hands. Out of concern for your current financial status, I will not ask you for support payments but feel that at the very least, those cheques should be going to where they can be directly applied to his benefit.

I will also ask that we tackle any issues in regards to ‘our’ situation via email before we tell our son anything else. I think it would be easier for him if he was given something concrete rather than dragged through this as it unfolds. I've put a request in for counseling for him through the CLSC. I will keep you totally up to date as that develops.

I'm horribly saddened that it has all come to this. I love you so much, and have always loved you and look forward to that day when this will all behind us.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and also work as a team to build a successful and strong life together. I want us to build each other up and inspire each other to new and previously unimagined heights. I want to become the kind of Man you can't help but fall in love with.

I want these things and more, but I just cannot continue this way or be with you until you have no contact with OW and most importantly a clear desire to actively rebuild our family and then we can, with love, respect, and mutual support, take it from there.

With all my love,

dewt

Much better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Much, much better.

Sorry for the gender confusion -- I thought you were a guy, then was confused by OW reference. I edited earlier email. (People often assume I'm a guy, and I'm not.)

One concern is the "modified" Plan B approach, which W can use as a wedge for contact. I know, I know...kids...but is there no one to appoint as mediator.

Oh, oh, oh. Can you kill reference to "Plan B"? I think WSs tend to view this as game-playing by a recipe book. Just refer to it as "no contact" or something.

Ok, kill reference to Plan B... noted. And many thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

No sweat about the gender thing. Must be the long hair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Btw, I really like your sig line... something to think about. Lots to think about, actually. Puts kind of a new spin on things.

dewt

Plan B certainly does make it easier for you to date your girlfriend.

I can't believe that here in the land of MB honesty, there is still No mention of your online personal ads, your online women who answered your ad, no mention of going to meet one, no mention of driving our son to me repeatedly with said girlfriend, no mention here on the boards of motel sleepovers,...no mention of introducing her to our kids, having her be there with you and the children for a weekend visit.......

you ask for hope from me, you wish limbo to end...well, it's difficult to believe for one minute that you want to save anything when you quite frankly, have been seeing someone since February...having your proverbial amotional needs met...

When you can be completely honest and truthful...we will have somewhere to begin, perhaps...

I received your Plan B letter...

I will respect your wishes..

Dylan

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Dewt is what SOULLOSS saying the truth?

Deut, Dylan...

I am so very sad for you both.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You guys have certainly managed to inflict a lot of hurt on each other, and done so for years. Question is are you ready to quit hurtful behaviors yet and make amends? I truly hope so, for you both...

Kathi

Kam...

you are right.

it has to stop.

now.

Dewt, I love you.

Dylan

Yes. True. I won't highjack this thread with lurid details though. I will promise to start a thread tomorrow evening though to address this issue.

Kam. Truer words have never been spoken.

Dylan, I love you too. (should I have said that, or did I just blow my Plan B?)

dewt

So anyway, the above is a good example of why I'm in Plan B.

First the attack. Result: I'm angry, hopeless, very much in a 'this is the end' kind of place...

Then the "I love you" Result: oh, oh, spark of hope... wonder what will come of this...

Then...

...

...nothing. Result: Back to hopeless.

In an email, she told me to, "tell my boy I am coming home to him as soon as I
can..."

Alright. I did not tell him. I wanted to, and don't want to disrespect her request, but what do I say when nothing then happens? Is it fair to invite my son along for my merry little roller coaster ride? I want to ask her what she means by that, but I'm in Plan B.

I suppose that's for the best, because it fits right in with the above formula.

I hate this. Please advise.

dewt