Emergency Situation: 2 hours Left! - Marriage Builders® Forums

I can’t stop thinking about the OM tonight. Have had NC since 3/12/04. I just am wrapped up in how easy it would be for me to call him right now. I know we could just start talking again like nothing has ever happened. He “let me go” when I told him BH and I were seriously working on M. He agreed NC was necessary for that to happen. Nothing is going bad today, BH and I are not arguing or fighting or stressed or NOTHING…

So why do I want to talk to him? I want to have a successful marriage with no more infidelity. I want to talk to my H…no one else. Why do I miss this man that facilitated so much anger, pain, hurt in my family? Does missing the OM two children mean I don’t love and care for my own?

I know NC is what has to happen. Just need to talk about it here, in this safe non-judgmental place. My honey gets home from work in another 2 hours or so. Help me not to call OM tonight. I want to get through next two hours…with fellow “builders” not him. xoxo

Keep praying, praise GOD. I pray for you too. DOn't call. My love and support to you.

Keep posting here too. Hang in there, don't call. You can do it. I just made a prayer for you.

mom

DON'T call him. Call your mom. Call your husband. Call your most trusted friend. Go to the grocery store and shop. Get busy, so you are not "zoning" on the desire to call him.

Write a two hour post for the boards here, describing every thought that goes through your head. And post it. Then read it tomorrow.

Surely your shower needs a thorough cleaning. Or maybe you can get some candles lit in the bathroom and take a long relaxing bubble bath, and read Surviving an Affair, or Not Just Friends.

Get busy... take a long walk. Don't sit there by the phone, fighting the urge. Take action.

Wishing you the best!

SD

Don't think about the OM think about your H everytime you start thinking of OM, think of a good time you and your H had or a special moment you and your H had. Stuff like that will help you get through these tuff time's. I wish you and your H luck, hang in there you can do this.

I just prayed for you, and will continue. God is stronger than anything, including temptations.

mom

You might want to go read the thread I posted on recovery, as it, and some of the replies, may give you some insight on what recovery entails.

It's called simply "Some thoughts about recovery". It's pretty long, and will take you a while to read.

You can beat this urge. Remember, it's an addiction, no more, no less. We are all pulling for you and know you can beat it!!!

Be strong

SD

Shattered Dreams,

Just read the thread you suggested and posted a reply…wonderful, I will absolutely reread it as many times as I need to. Yes I need to stay busy. Feel so trapped here. Our 3 kids are sleeping, but I would love to go for a drive. This has to be the reason Wal-Mart is open 24 hours!!

I feel very lonely sometimes when I have no one to call. H cannot have calls at work. If I text message his cell phone, he does his best to return my calls ASAP…sometimes that takes a while.

I am beginning to realize that this A was not “love.” We were not “soulmates.” It is an addiction. I can deal with addictions. I have. I will use what I have learned…One Day At A Time…only right now I am going to take it One Hour At A Time.

It looks like I have 1 ½ hours left. Thanks to all for your prayers.

Stay busy. You can do it. Continue praying for you. If you are lonely, e-mail me kzmath@hotmail.com, I will call you.

lostnhurt...so kind for the offer to call but looks like I/we made it...

My honey is home an hour early!!!

I guessed he sensed from my messages that this was important...and here he is. I am blessed.

Thank you for the support and prayers you all gave. xoxo

mom

Now is the time to remember the oft repeated saying "If it doesn't kill me, it will only make me stronger".

You can take this moment, this success, to the bank. You are strong. You are a survivor. You are a winner. You are blessed.

No one can take that from you. You own it.

Never forget it!

God Bless

SD

SD:

XOXOXOXO

Haleluja, praise GOD.

All Right Mom, yesssssssssssss <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You have inspired me, Ive been NC since 3/26/04 (not seen the OW since) Im a WS and its been this hard maintining NC. Its hour by hour, prayer by prayer, its truly an addiction (I can beat this...its only a Drug). Time will heal us if we can focus on our M. Thank You Mom, for being so strong. If this should ever happen again you know what to do.

I feel so good that you all could help Mom, Im not loged in at this time of night. But if this ever happend to me or any of the WS I now we can count on your sapport.

Thanks so much for understanding (you only can talk about this if you have been their).

FCalunga

WS(37)
BS (38)
M17
3 Kids
In the Recovery Room, ive been touched by Angels

this sure was a nice post to read!!! way to go momof3bychoice!!!

Momof3bychoice,

I have also been there, so I know what you are going through. Mom, you are doing great, you are strong and this will get better, believe me! Time and patience is the two keywords in the recovery process and sometimes it will be 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards, but eventually you will move forward. It takes time to overcome feelings for OP and sometimes those residual feelings can linger for a very, very long time, but if you maintain NC those feelings will eventually fade as well. Mom, you want to talk to OM because you’re still in withdrawal and are addicted to him and it’s normal to still miss him, but if you continue to focus and work on your M in spite of your feelings for OP, it will get better. Again, time and patience… Remember, you can’t help your feelings, but you can control your actions. You’re doing good and currently you ARE in control of your actions, so, just continue to keep up the good work! And missing the OM’s children definitely DOESN’T mean you don’t care for your own. You’ve learned to care for those children as well, so your feelings is perfectly normal.

NS: I have also post a response to your thread on the In Recovery board.

Blessing,
Suzet

[ May 26, 2004, 08:16 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]

So here is an update to the "Emergency Situation" that I narrowly avoided last night:

H came home, found me on the computer. I can tell he is suspicious of all the time he sees me sitting here, like every time he comes home from work. I explained how this forum helps me. It make me feel not alone, or scummy, or freakish. Showed him some of this stuff, and told him I would help him learn how to use it too. Told him I thought he could feel better here too. He doesn’t say much. Just the “looks.”

I give him a big hug!! And he say’s “What’s up? What happened?” I told him, “That’s just it, honey, nothing has happened, and that scares me. I don’t want to be thinking of anyone else other than you. I got on here [computer site] to ask for help until you got home.”

The look on his face!! A strange mixture of hurt, confusion, and fear. He said, “I don’t understand why are you thinking of someone else?” (I hate how we never say OM name. Never really even say the pronoun “him” always just “someone else” or we will use the name of town he lives in for reference. Not using OM name feels like another communication block.)

It is obvious t me he doesn’t understand about the addiction/withdrawal from OM, and I feel it would be hurting his feelings to explain it to him. That is the last thing he needs right now. So I did my usual avoidance technique (worked so well, got me where I am today [insert sarcasm here], not that I am ungrateful for you all) and tried to focus on just how glad I was that he was home and we could cuddle.

I am dying inside. I want to be completely open and honest with each other. I don't want to hurt him. Most importantly I don’t want to be afraid when I share with him. I am thinking that fear is behind my communication blocks. So what’s up guys…do I try to explain it to him? He is not a “reader” at all (has a LD and it is difficult to read articles/books and such with good comprehension)…I have read a lot and that is how I have learned. How does he learn? Should I just bite the bullet and explain it to him?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I am dying inside. I want to be completely open and honest with each other. I don't want to hurt him. Most importantly I don’t want to be afraid when I share with him. I am thinking that fear is behind my communication blocks. So what’s up guys…do I try to explain it to him? He is not a “reader” at all (has a LD and it is difficult to read articles/books and such with good comprehension)…I have read a lot and that is how I have learned. How does he learn? Should I just bite the bullet and explain it to him? <hr /></blockquote>I haven't read all your posts, but I have read this one. Has he read any books, for example "Surving An Affair?" How about any from the Marriage Builders website?

Personally, I don't think you can explain what is happening, without your husband reading about what is going on or without a counselor to help so that he doesn't get hurt and is able to "hear" what you are saying. I do feel that he does need to know, though. Do you plan to get counseling?

Momof 3,

I have emphaty for your dilema and I understand your fear of hurting your H, but I also understand how frustrating this can be... For someone who have not been there it will be very difficult to understand, but I think it will be worth it to try and explain it to him anyway. My H is also not a reader, but many times in the past I have printed out insightful articles and posts from this website and forum and have read it to my H myself. Maybe you can try to do the same with your H?

[ May 26, 2004, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]

Perhaps you could tell your husband not the why behind your feelings but simply describe your feelings. Share that you were feeling vulnerable and alone and how much safer you feel in his arms. Tell him that being with him makes you stronger.

In the process of recovery there are some concepts that I've read about and shared with my H. For whatever reason these ideas didn't really sink in for my H until we began working with a MC. Sometimes things sound more objective when comng from someone outside of the marriage.

Suzet,

I have done things like that in the past (read stuff to him). He really thinks I am the smartest person in the world, it is so cute. And he is always interested in things I try to teach him. He has been very impressed with how many books/articles I have already read on marriage/infidelity/etc., and he tells me it makes him feel good...like I am truly sincere in putting this M back together on the right track...and for life. I think I will have to read him some stuff about this "withdrawl" crap too. I just dread it. I hate the fact that I can't just "forget about" OM.

Raskal-- he has never ever in his life ever read any book ever ever never! Did graduate high school and can read, just has difficulty with comprehension, forgets what he read in first paragraph by the time he is on third paragraph. He is very talented at his profession which doesn't involve reading comprehension. And we are both willing to go to counseling, $$ is a huge factor for us though. As of yet, no counseling plans.

Thanks for all replys. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Loy,

That is just what I did last night. I focused on the "feelings" not "thinking about OM tonight." Thank you for validation that this is the best way to approach this. I told him I was feeling alone and uneasy and I felt safer and stronger inhis arms.

I agree MC is good for its objectivity. Sometimes you just can't hear stuff from your spouse, it has to come from an outsider.

xoxo to all!

M3ByChoice:

Money is a huge factor for us as well. Sometimes health insurance covers MC but FWH and I are using a Pastor who is also a certified MC (counseling is a part of her ministry). It's much less expensive and is based on the family's income, plus we've been able to meet with her weekly.

The sessions aren't religious but very pro-marriage. Even if you don't belong to a church, you can use a church as a resource to find an affordable MC. Seminaries are also a great resource. Sometimes it's hard to find help but when you find it, it just gushes.

mom, my H and I read together every night. I do most of the reading, it is a great bonding thing. I have always wanted this, but pre-A he wouldn't give me the time of day, now however he has made me a priority.
I have a fear of confrontation, any negative response, I steer clear of, I go to IC and she has taught me how to communicate.

I will tell my H, I'm feeling very nervous about telling you some things. I don't want to hurt you, but I feel this will help you understand. I verbalize all that internal crap,

I tell him, I'm afraid of his response, I tell him, how I feel about communicating. This works.

I did tell him about withdrawl, not for quite a while, but I did finally tell him. I read him an article. I told him I was feeling it, but I am commited to making the M work and will be stronger than the W.
However I have been where you are, opportunity knocks, and I try to avoid, I would call my BF and say, I want to call him, she would say don't. I would hang up from her, and call him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I however am past that, and don't wish to speak to him anymore. I'm over him, and it took NC to get me there, the feelings past, and I'm IL with my H. I'm still struggling, but that is a thread I have to start for myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tell him your fears, speak them, clear communication for you guys, be honest.
K

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Mom, why the bump?

Has something happened? I see you are both on here.

Do you guys want to talk?

Jen

[ September 14, 2004, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: dadof3bychoice ]