He left...why do I feel sorry for him? - Marriage Builders® Forums

My H just walked out the door a few minutes ago to go spend the night in his new apartment. I thought I was handling all this so well, being so strong, but now I'm caving....he's really gone. I don't want to go to bed and not have him there with me. No matter what an a** he's been, I still love him and want him in my life.

I think my M is over...he's signed a year lease...he pretty much said that when it came to him moving out that he would be pretty much done with our M, that it is over...

Oh how I wish he saw value in me...in our family. My son went to bed peacefully tonight after winning two games in his baseball tournament...both of his parents there and so proud of him...driving home talking about all the highlights of the game...that's all over now. We'll never ride home together after a game again...my family is broken.

I tried so hard to be what he wanted me to be, but my best wasn't good enough...he doesn't want me...

I want the pain to go away...it's been a year of pain...I don't want to wait anymore, nothing will ever change for him...I just want to be loved...most of all by him, but I don't think that will ever happen...how long do I wait? How long do I remain alone, wondering if he'll come back?

I thought I was doing so well, being so strong...indifferent to his leaving, almost wanting him to go...why am I weakening again?

[ September 02, 2004, 11:04 PM: Message edited by: wontgiveupyet ]

Hello Wontgiveupyet...

I really feel your pain.

My WH moved to his own apartment last November (60 miles from our home) in the town where he works. He said it was to save gas and time. I didn't know about his A at that time.

It nearly killed me when he left. And like you, I almost wanted him to go because he had been treating me so badly for so long.

I am truly alone - both of our children are grown and on their own. The thing that bothered me the most was that WH seemed so eager to go. Little did I know! He had been having an A for over 2 years when he moved out. I just found out this May when I contracted genital herpes from WH.

I thought I was going to die. But I did not. Thank God for this discussion board, and Dr. Harley's books - SAA; HN/HN; and LB. And thank God for Steve Harley - he's the best!

I have a hope... things seem to be looking up in my situation (my post "WH left me a letter today. Opinions?). If we have breath, we have hope.

Show your WH that you DO have value as a person! That you DO matter! Become the BEST YOU that you can be! Sounds like you've been working on it already.

My WH recently told me that I am his rock. He also has told me that I have been great through all of this. I'm sure he wouldn't have said those things to me 3 months ago.

Keep your chin up (even though it may be quivering right now). You will find strength - in God, in your family, and surprisingly, in yourself.

Keep posting here. Everyone here is great.

((((HUGS)))))) K72172

[ August 29, 2004, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]

Thanks K172172. I have been posting here since last Sept. when I first suspected my H was having an A. Then I stopped because like an idiot I decided to trust him. It wasn't until Jan. that I discovered part of the A...they said it was just a friendship, but I suspected more. In July I found email subject lines that told the whole truth and I found a book about Soulmates that he had read to her...yuck. He's been threatening to move out since last July and said he was done with our M, but he stayed...he says he stayed because he was "trying" but he never stopped his A...I don't really consider that trying. So finally I put my foot down and told him that he was waiting for me to get fed up and make the decision because he didn't have the balls to do it himself. That ticked him off and he went and signed a lease.

Anyway, that's my story in a very small nutshell. I went to bed last night, cried, read the Bible, and then sleep came quickly. God is my comfort and my strength...the only one whose love is unfailing.

I'm okay this morning and I'm off to work...strong again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

OK nid. We really know how much this hurts.

Now, will you PLEASE expose them? Nothing at all to lose.

Better yet, draft a Plan B letter and send it and expose them simultaneously.

WAT

Good Morning!

Glad you're feeling stronger today.

I have to agree with WAT. You need to expose what's going on. I know it's very hard... I was timid about doing it myself, but it has to be done... otherwise... no consequences for their actions?

Listen to WAT. Plan B and exposure at the same time. WHY? Because he's a cake eating fence sitter!

His fence needs to get some splinters, and his cake needs to lose it's frosting.

What's that saying... You don't know what you've got till it's gone? Like I always tell DD, there are worse things than being alone. This kind of crap you are putting up with is worse. (Do I sound a little confrontational this morning?)

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the one who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch. AMEN

K

Hey WAT, long time no talk. They are exposed. The pres of the board never did anything about it though, just turns the other cheek and they're still best buds...no cajonas(sp?)I guess.

Everyone in my family knows and many of our friends know. The only ones who don't know are his family...and quite frankly, their opinion isn't that important to him. In fact, their in lies his problem...he doesn't know the importance of a family because he's never felt a part of one.

My friends that know are so upset with him, yet no one lets it show except one, and I don't think he cares about her opinion. So there really haven't been any real consequences for them. So, what to do about that?

I've done all I can do...he doesn't see my worth...I'm tempted to move on.

He still feels a need to care for us...I came home to find that he had bought donuts, gave me the good monitor on my computer and other little things. He's made a pile of books (SAA, a journal I wrote to him long ago, a photo album with captions I gave him for our anniversary, and a book called "God's Inspirational Promises, etc.) He plans on taking all this to his apartment I guess and contemplating it all...I don't know. I'm a little tired of trying to understand anything.

I had a good day, a little down, but otherwise good.

Okay, what do I do? H just called and asked what I was doing, etc. He said he needed to come by to pick up his desk. I said okay, I probably won't be here because I'm going running, but S will be here.

He asked what time I was going running. I told him and he said, "Okay, maybe I'll go with you..." Why is he doing this???? I am so freaking confused.

Now he just called back and said I should go ahead without him that he'd be too tired after dismantling and moving the desk. Then he said, "Unless you want me to go with you?" I just replied that I've been going by myself for some time and I'll be just fine. I stayed nice and said, its not that you aren't welcome.

Don't tell me he misses me already....any advice?

I am sure he DOES miss you all ready. you, and the home you made, and your son. But that doesn't mean he is ready to come back. He is only beginning to feel the reality of his new apartment living.
A thought came to me while I was reading your posts. I remember something a friend told me in the beginning. She told me to pray that my WH would be MISERABLE. It was a hard thing to do at first. After all, this was my family, my H, how could I wish for him to be miserable? But finally I tried it. I would say "Lord, please make him miserable in his current situation. Make him miserable when he is with OW, make him miserable with this choice.
I know for a fact it was working. Several times when I saw him he looked awful. Unshaven, dirty, wrinkled clothes. Bags under his eyes. The first time I saw him looking like such a mess I was horrified and said "are you sick?' and he said "no, just tired". I realized then that the holy spirit was truly working on him.
I have a feeling this is something that you need to start right now - pray for him to be miserable.
Also - in your bible reading be sure to read James. It is a small book with a lot of good stuff.
Hang in there

nid,

He'll string you along just as long as you let him. This is about YOU; either you will allow it or you won't.

Go back and read the advise Mel, Wat and I gave you back when you first started posting here. It still applies, nothing's changed. Don't ruin your chances for a "new" marriage by refusing to stick with the plan.........B that is.

I just about wanted to laugh at his idea that he'd run with you. He moved out and he wants to go running with you?!?!? He's as confused as he ever was. You have all the power here nid and you don't even know it.

Go back and start reading!

Wishing you all the best.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
 Now he just called back and said I should go ahead without him that he'd be too tired after dismantling and moving the desk. Then he said, "Unless you want me to go with you?" I just replied that I've been going by myself for some time and I'll be just fine. I stayed nice and said, its not that you aren't welcome.

Don't tell me he misses me already....any advice? <hr /></blockquote>Ready... advice is .... Plan B....

This is too painful for you to "be there" for him and you are constantly ready to respond to him at a moment's notice... and be given crumbs and leftovers.

This is revolt time.

How can he miss you? He's got you available whenever it pleases him?

I say ... Plan B and let him ~actually~ miss you. Coz you are not "there" at his beck and call.

Pep

[ August 30, 2004, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B.

He made the decision to separate, it's your decision to STAY separated. You take control. He is adrift.

Did you two secure a separation agreement before he left? Is this available in your state?

If not, he abandoned you and your son.

Who has control of your finances?

Are you getting legal advice?

Nid, you HAVE to start playing hardball. Plan B and get as much control of your finances as you can. DO NOT leave your home.

WAT

I see most here are advising you to Plan B.

But first I would like you to read a favorite thread here at MB by Carol....I hope it works, so that you can just click on the address below...she had an unusual technique on winning back her H. (Her story starts in the third post.)

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nid, go to Plan B and don't look back. It's long long overdue. Do you have your letter ready? Have you given him the letter yet?

Womanofaith5, I will definitely read James. And I have been praying that he fall so he will find God. What is your opinion of Plan B? I'm trying hard to do what I think God would want me to do. I'm getting the feeling I shouldn't turn my back on him. I know everyone else (Mel, WAT, Mother)are taking a huge sigh right about now, thinking I'm doing the wrong thing. But, I am not making myself very available to him or appearing needy.

He called me this morning and left a long message. I didn't return his call. He asked me later, "You didn't want to call me back?" I just said, "Oh, I didn't realize you wanted me to." Its only been one day, I am going to slowly separate myself.

He came to the house to pick up his desk. It took him quite a while to do it and all the while he was very pleasant to be around. I just went about my business not paying much attention to him. He said he is going to bring us dinner tomorrow and asked what would I like. When he left I was making jello for my son and he came up to me to say goodbye. He gave me a long kiss. I didn't want him to, but he caught me off guard. He told me to call him if I needed anything and that he would be here early in the morning to take our S to school.

I know I should Plan B according to MB rules, but I did kind of like Carol's plan too.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Did you two secure a separation agreement before he left? Is this available in your state?
<hr /></blockquote>WAT, no Texas does not have legal separation. However, I laid out all the finances, what he would pay, etc. and had him sign it. We have a joint account from which I will continue to pay all the bills. At the end of this month, my paychecks will start going into my own account and I will continue to pay the bills from his account. I have also changed the beneficiary on my life insurance policy from him to my sister (for my son). He had to sign off on the change.

Also, my mom, me and my S are going to Cozumel next month. I am taking care of myself and my son. I have started a prayer workshop every Tues. night to build a better relationship with God.

Anyway, I think I am doing good.

Nid, the reason we are all telling you to go to Plan B is not because we love the letter B, but because we know it will be the most effective in your situation.

As long as he can have any contact with you, ie: get his Nid "fix," the longer he can continue his affair. See, he has no motivation to end his affair as long as he knows he can get a "Nid fix." BUT, if you go into Plan B, he MIGHT learn that the OW can't possibly meet his needs.

But that is a big MIGHT because I suspect that your Plan A has dragged on so long that his affair has probably become quite cemented.

And with you on the sidelines eagerly waiting for breadcrumbs, he has the freedom now to really develop his affair. Anyway, I don't know why I am writing this all to you again, you have heard it before over and over and over again from many of us and have never taken our advice before. I wish you the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

The thing is Melody, he isn't talking to OW anymore. She stopped responding to his calls. The cat is out of the bag now too and they wouldn't be able to bring their R public.

Don't you think its a good sign that he is taking all of that stuff with him to read (SAA, scripture, our memory photo album, even our file from when we went to the counselor which also includes the EN and LB questionnaires that we filled out). Why would he take that?

Maybe I am a fool, I know I have been for quite some time, but I am trying to do what God wants of me, not Steve Harley. Afterall, this is in His hands and no one else's.

Have I missed something here or have I just smoked some bad crack today? Hasn't he told you all this before, Nid? And haven't you been doing all this before? Haven't you hanged your hopes on the same [false hopes] before over and over again?Haven't you been telling us for MONTHS that you were going to Plan B when/if he really left?
Isn't that the definition of insanity, to do the same thing over and over and over again but expect different results?

Nid, what is going on here? Is your fear coloring reality again?

I am not recommending that you do any thing just because "SH says so," or anything that would go against God.

The reason that we are suggesting that you go to Plan B is to save your marriage. Do you not think that is what God wants?

I am trying to do what God wants of me, not Steve Harley. Afterall, this is in His hands and no one else's.

??? I thought I read you asked for "any advice".... If you don't want advice, why ask?

Have you ever thought this.... God brings you to this site so you can follow the Harley plan?

hmmmmmmm??????

Next time you ask for advice and don't really want advice, just tell us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> save everybody the effort of advising advice which is actually not required although requested.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> (I'm cool)

I haven't replied to you before but I have been reading this thread and wanted to say something that popped into my head while reading your last response.

You are trying to do what God wants you to do. You have wonderful, experienced, caring people here advising you as to what has worked for them or others here.

Stop and consider the fact that God may be slapping you upside the head with the very advice you are getting.

A story from our priest:

One day a huge flood was coming and the townspeople were told to evacuate.

All but one man left.

A police officer came by to warn him that he needed to leave immediately. He replied that he was putting his faith in God and God wouldn't let him down.

An few hours later, the water was so high that the man had to go to the second floor. A boat rowed by the upstairs window and offered the man a ride. He replied that he was putting his faith in God and God wouldn't let him down.

A few hours later he was forced to the roof by the rising water. A helicopter came to rescue him but he told them to go away. His faith was in God to whom he had prayed to save him.

The man drown.

Upon meeting God in heaven he said, "I prayed to you and you didn't answer my prayers. I put my faith in you and you let me drown."

God replied, I heard your prayers and sent you a police officer who you turned away. I heard you again and sent you a boat. You turned away my help. I worried for you and heard your pleas and sent you a helicopter. Again, you rejected my answer to your prayers. I can only help you if you let me.

Look for God's hand in everything around you. You never know when he's sending you a gift.

You know, I'm just a little sensitive here and the harsh words from some of you aren't very uplifting. Thanks for the label of insane Melody, I thought you were a friend. Perhaps being brokenhearted does make you a little crazy.

I don't come here to get beaten up...I'm already pretty bruised.

Faithinme, thank you for your more gentle response and advice. It does make sense.

While I may be slow in taking everyone's advice here, what most of you fail to notice is that I now have strength, faith, and a closer relationship with God that has had a profound effect on my life.

Last year I failed my little students...I wasn't there for them as I should have been. I was too consumed in my misery. This year, my students are a precious priority, they brighten my day, and I see the good things in life through them. This has all been accomplished through a great deal of prayer and reliance on God.

I didn't need to cry tonight and I wasn't going to until I read the last few posts. There isn't a need to be harsh.

Hi Wontgiveupyet...

I've read all the posts here, and I have to agree with the MB gurus....

Go to Plan B. It does work. I have been in Plan B for two week now. At first, WH called and left me voice mails all the time. Then, nothing. I was getting worried.

Then, Sunday, he left a letter at our home for me. He loves me, misses me, and thinks about me constantly. He says he wants to be the husband he should have always been. He wants to love and romance me!!!!!

He closed with "Let me know (if I want him back) by email or whatever, and I will resolve things on my end once and for all".

Sooooo... he still hasn't sent a NC letter to OW; or had someone ELSE return her cell phones; and is not totally 100% committed to the recovery of our M.

But look where my silence has brought him! Not too long ago, he was talking about being done with ME!

Draw your lines in the sand (or concrete). Then he will (or will not) commit to you and your M.

The total feeling of peace and serenity you get from not having to fret, worry, and otherwise have WH's situation in your face is amazing!

More than anything.... do it for YOU!

The people here know what they are talking about!

LISTEN TO THEM! (((((HUGS))))) K

"Thanks for the label of insane Melody, I thought you were a friend. Perhaps being brokenhearted does make you a little crazy."

Stop and think.....

Mel did not label YOU insane ... she offered the tried and true AA definition of the insanity of certain behaviors ...it goes like this:

~ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results ~

This is what AA teaches.....

Relax.... think about the definition .... and do not assume people are attacking you .... ask first for confirmation of an attack.... because your emotionality is riding you right now...

So, in future, if you think there might be an insult, ASK.... "What do you mean?" or ask "Is this an insult".... THIS is good practice for future marital conversations ---> when your H does finally return home (after the Plan B gives him motive, of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) you're going to need to know how to NOT have your feelings hurt because of a misunderstanding.

Relax

(( hug ))

Pep

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
The cat is out of the bag now too and they wouldn't be able to bring their R public.<hr /></blockquote>Does this mean that more exposure is needed? They're afraid of what some might think??????

What "public" doesn't know?

Shout it from the rooftops.

WAT

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
 You know, I'm just a little sensitive here and the harsh words from some of you aren't very uplifting. Thanks for the label of insane Melody, I thought you were a friend. <hr /></blockquote>Nid, I am telling you this BECAUSE I am your friend. If I weren't your friend, I would say "Nid, you poor little lamb, you should do what makes you feel good and linger along in Plan A for another 10 years."

I know thats what you WANT to hear, but that is NOT the best thing for your marriage. That is why so many of us here get so frustrated with you, Nid. You have so many tools at your diposal but you simply refuse to use them because you are afraid. And you then justify your fears by calling it "God's Will."

Strangely, God perceived "will" always seems to coincide with your fears. Being a Christian myself, I thought it was God's will for us to do everything to save our marriage.

Those who lack courage will always find a philosophy to justify it. ~albert camus

ok, I will repeat my questions, Nid, because they are pertinent to your situation:

Hasn't he told you all this before, Nid? And haven't you been doing all this before? Haven't you hanged your hopes on the same [false hopes] before over and over again? Haven't you been telling us for MONTHS that you were going to Plan B when/if he really left?

Nid, what is going on here? Is your fear coloring reality again?

I am not recommending that you do any thing just because "SH says so," or anything that would go against God.

The reason that we are suggesting that you go to Plan B is to save your marriage. Do you not think that is what God wants?

It still seems like he wants his Nid fixes and to eat cake with you for the same reasons that Pep wrote to Bob Pure about his WW's OM. He doesn't want to seem like the bad guy. He may want to let you down easy. He may want to be -your friend-.

He wants to avoid confict and guilt. He has continually denied a PA.

It sure seems like this is the time for plan B. He signed a year lease! Mine signed a 6 month lease then had to pay the price when he broke it at 4 months.

He needs to really miss you...for a change.

Okay everyone...I will give him through this week to get settled, then I will mail him (or should I have a friend give it to him?) the letter.

Question....how do you explain Plan B to your child? I mean, how do I tell him that he has to answer the phone if its his dad, and that I am not going to speak to him. How do you explain such rejection to a child? My son is 10...he is our pride and joy...we have always done EVERYTHING together concerning him.

You tell your son that since his father won't end his affair, it hurts you too much to speak with him.
Make sure you tell him that you still love his father and want to stay married to him.
Also tell him you have told your husband this and that when he ends his affair, you will talk with him again.

I am going to chime in again - only because you asked me too! You said that everyone else suggests plan B, and what do I think.
I agree. I know it is hard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
This whole thing is the hardest thing you will ever go through. I lost my mother 3 years ago - my H left for another woman last year, and my only sister died this year. Out of all that - losing my H to the OW was the hardest thing - by far.
BUT - you want him to come back - and you want him to udnertand for once and for all that he can NOT continue to have contact with her. Right now - he is cake eating. You said he gave you a long kiss the other day? That would have been fine if he would agree to NC, but he has not. NO MORE!
I know you are hurting - my heart hurts just reading your posts. But if you want to have the type of marriage God intends for you to have you have got to teach your H how to treat you like the Godly woman you are.
Keep praying that he would be miserable.
Pray that God would build a hedge of protection around you and your son.
Have you read Dobsons "Love Must Be Tough?" I do not like evrything he says in there - he can be some what harsh - but it might be a good one for you to read, becuase he basically says that adultery can not be tolerated. That God would not want you to tolerate it. And you have to do something to show your WH that you will not tolerate it.
I am glad that you have a weekly prayer meeting too - that will be a huge help to you.
You need to make yourself busy so that you are not there for him to stop by when ever he feels the need to grace you with his presence. Go to your prayer meetings. Sing in the church choir. Volunteer at the school for parents night, carnivals, anything they have going on. Get yourself out of the house.
consider yourself hugged......

{{nid}}

Your H will come back IF you give him the opportunity to experience what life without you will be like.

How do I know?

He can't refrain from long kisses even though he's only been gone days.
He desires your companionship and wants to go running with you.

This doesn't sound even remotely close to the behaviors of a man who wants to divorce.

You know nid, fear is not of the Lord. I am glad someone else has recommended Dobson's book.

Think prodigal son. The father did not interact with his son when he decided to take off and indulge himself in an early inheritance. He let him go to learn the hard way. This is one of the first things God revealed to me when my H was acting like a jerk,"let him go, let him see first hand what it is like to eat pig fodder, he'll be back"

God didn't fail me nid and He won't fail you either. He hates divorce and it is His will for your marriage to be healed. I love it, pray for him to be miserable! You can be sure that prayer corresponds with God's will and will be answered. How will your H be the most miserable? He'll be the most miserable if he can't have any contact with you!

[ August 31, 2004, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]

Thanks womanoffaith and mother. Your words do put it into a good perspective for me. I am going to send the plan B letter.

Tonight I went to my prayer and life workshop, it was wonderful. One of the prayers we read had the phrase "you are waiting for me to make a decision"....hmmm...maybe He does want me to plan B. Something else I learned is that God is tenderness, love, and forgiveness, not punishment. I have been worried that if my H never wants to reconcile I would be doomed to hell if I ever remarried, forever an adulterer. I realized tonight that isn't true. A friend of mine who has been trying to help, but in actuality has been scaring me to death, has been giving me all these things to read on divorce and remarriage. She is from the Church of Christ and they preach that all those who remarry are adulterers and will not inherit the kingdom of God. It was freaking me out, I'm Catholic and had never heard such harshness. Tonight made me breathe a little easier.

On another note, I dropped my s off at baseball practice tonight and H was to bring him home since I would be at my workshop. When I dropped my s off, I noticed OW's S's team was out there and my stomach just turned. H sensed this and asked "What's wrong?" I told him that when I saw them out there it made my stomach turn. He said, "They're not out here, nid!" ,gave me a cold look, shook his head, and walked away.

When I came home, H was still in the house with S. He was in the kitchen just eating away at ice cream sandwiches. Somehow that just didn't seem right, he looked too at home. Then he said, "Oh, friend called." I asked what she wanted and he said "I don't know...did you tell her?" Its like he's expecting to keep our separation a secret. For what purpose??? He just doesn't want to look bad. So I said, "yes, I did." He asked me what I told her. I said I told her we had separated. He wanted more details and I got frustrated. He stormed out of the house.

He just called and we got in a huge fight. I can't do this....I'm tired of fighting for a marriage that he doesn't want. He basically said he is too scarred from what I did 6 years ago to ever get over it. He doesn't think that his A has caused me the same pain because it wasn't physical. The difference is that once I realized I had hurt my H, I ended the A. He's never ended his, has just betrayed me and lied to me over and over again for over a year, knowing the pain it causes me.

He'll never let the past go...I can't live with someone who continually makes me pay for past mistakes...I need to just be done....

Wontgiveupyet....I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you in all this. I am also suffering with a husband who claims that my affairs were "worse" than his. He says this stuff because he feels bad and is trying to justify himself.

Dont give up. Take a deep breath, say a silent prayer and send that PlanB letter. You have obviously got to teh stage where you are hurting so much that you cant take any more, your feelings for him are beginning to be affected : thats a major indicator to move on to PlanB. He isnt going to like this one little bit, but he isnt supposed to is he ? He wants to breeze in and out of your life, play single and still get the perks of being married. Dont let him play this nasty game any more. He needs to learn to be a grown up and face the consequences of having moved out. Please dont hesitate, send that PlanB letter and stop letting him torture you.

My very best wishes for you. Debraxx

Your H's attitude reminded me of Jen Brown's XH for a second.

I think he needs to feel the potential loss of you with Plan B.

Do you believe that this has been an EA and not PA too as he keeps claiming?

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Do you believe that this has been an EA and not PA too as he keeps claiming?
<hr /></blockquote>Trix, I can't believe anything that he tells me...he lies constantly. I think it probably did go to a PA at one time, maybe is again now that he's moved out, but I'm not sure. I would be an idiot to believe otherwise. I believe that he would never tell me the truth about that in order to "protect" her.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust or believe him again...his lies run too deep. It is not a good feeling.

I saw him tonight at my S's baseball game. I had ridden with a friend, but after the game he offered to take me home. I let him...our usual post-game baseball talk wasn't fun for me, although he carried on as usual. When he dropped me off to my car, I said "goodnight" and got in. He looked sad, he said "goodnight" again and looked at me as he walked back to his car. It was sad...my S was sad.

He doesn't realize that only the two of us can share in the joy of our S's accomplishments. Once plan B starts, that will be over.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
 Then he said, "Oh, friend called." I asked what she wanted and he said "I don't know...did you tell her?" Its like he's expecting to keep our separation a secret. For what purpose??? He just doesn't want to look bad. So I said, "yes, I did." He asked me what I told her. I said I told her we had separated. He wanted more details and I got frustrated. He stormed out of the house.<hr /></blockquote>YES!!!

Do you see how uncomfortable he is with the "secret" getting out?

You know what I'm going to say: Not only should you reveal the separation to anyone you're close to, you should reveal the REASON for the separation and MAKE SURE HE KNOWS what you're revealing to others.

The truth will set you ALL free.

WAT

Wont,

I see some similarities between our situations. My FWH left our home 1 & 1/2 weeks ago calling it a temporary seperation. He would like the temporaty seperation to remain private and I have agreed. Why? Because I want to keep the path back home as smooth as possible.

As soon as my husband said he was leaving I got the book Divorce Busting. I told WH that I thought he did the right thing by leaving. (Normally I would've tried to reason with him to come home). The next day when I saw FWH I told him that I have not been fair to him, I have expected too much and that I need to recognize that he has changed and respect who he is. I told him that he was right, a temporary seperation was a good idea. Then I told him that I had been putting my life on hold for too long, waiting for our baby to be born, waiting for our marriage to become better before I could start living. I now realize that there is never be a perfect time and that I could no longer put my life on hold.

I am using DB's The Last Resort Technique (an expanded 180 of sorts) and I have seen fantastic results in ME. Plus, I am no longer trying to fix or help FWH in any way. I do not try to correct him, change his mind or see it my way - whatever. It's disrespectful, intrusive and took away from me taking care of myself. Whatever FWH does is OK. I don't need him to be home. I may prefer it, but I'm OK that he's not here. It's his choice.

FHW is noticing my changes and I think likes what he sees, he asked me out this Saturday night (I have plans). FWH babysat the girls when I went salsa dancing with friends. He looked so down and in the dumps when I left (I looked HOT). The next day he asked me to lunch (I agreed). I kept our conversation light and happy.

Anyway, I think you might benefit from reading the book. I know that the Last Resort Technique (an expanded 180) fits my situation very well and has helped me a lot.

Good luck to you.

[ September 02, 2004, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: Loy ]

Thanks for your replies WAT and Loy.

H came over tonight to pick up s to take him to the Texans game...just walked right in the house. Is this normal? He started asking questions again, like am I getting support. I said yes. He said from who? I said friends and family. Which friends? he asked. I named a few. I asked him about himself. He said he is just going to work and going home...no one.

He said it used to be you...I couldn't believe that! Has he forgotten his reliance on OW for comfort for over a year??? I just kind of smiled and said, "I think not."

He looks down. I feel sorry for him. I almost think he liked it when I was a miserable wreck...it made him feel needed.

Saturday I plan on giving him the Plan B letter. I hope this works and I hope I can stick to it!

Well, H just dropped S off from the game. He hung around for a little while. He didn't ask, he said he's going to need to come over this weekend to do laundry. What exactly is he thinking? Should I let him? I want to give him the letter this weekend. This all is so awkward to me. And why the heck do I feel so sorry for him? And sad for him. Why do I have so much empathy? Is it because I don't feel so needy anymore, that I am so much stronger emotionally, that I can now empathize? This is weird.