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My H just walked out the door a few minutes ago to go spend the night in his new apartment. I thought I was handling all this so well, being so strong, but now I'm caving....he's really gone. I don't want to go to bed and not have him there with me. No matter what an a** he's been, I still love him and want him in my life.

I think my M is over...he's signed a year lease...he pretty much said that when it came to him moving out that he would be pretty much done with our M, that it is over...

Oh how I wish he saw value in me...in our family. My son went to bed peacefully tonight after winning two games in his baseball tournament...both of his parents there and so proud of him...driving home talking about all the highlights of the game...that's all over now. We'll never ride home together after a game again...my family is broken.

I tried so hard to be what he wanted me to be, but my best wasn't good enough...he doesn't want me...

I want the pain to go away...it's been a year of pain...I don't want to wait anymore, nothing will ever change for him...I just want to be loved...most of all by him, but I don't think that will ever happen...how long do I wait? How long do I remain alone, wondering if he'll come back?

I thought I was doing so well, being so strong...indifferent to his leaving, almost wanting him to go...why am I weakening again?

<small>[ September 02, 2004, 11:04 PM: Message edited by: wontgiveupyet ]</small>

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Hello Wontgiveupyet...

I really feel your pain.

My WH moved to his own apartment last November (60 miles from our home) in the town where he works. He said it was to save gas and time. I didn't know about his A at that time.

It nearly killed me when he left. And like you, I almost wanted him to go because he had been treating me so badly for so long.

I am truly alone - both of our children are grown and on their own. The thing that bothered me the most was that WH seemed so eager to go. Little did I know! He had been having an A for over 2 years when he moved out. I just found out this May when I contracted genital herpes from WH.

I thought I was going to die. But I did not. Thank God for this discussion board, and Dr. Harley's books - SAA; HN/HN; and LB. And thank God for Steve Harley - he's the best!

I have a hope... things seem to be looking up in my situation (my post "WH left me a letter today. Opinions?). If we have breath, we have hope.

Show your WH that you DO have value as a person! That you DO matter! Become the BEST YOU that you can be! Sounds like you've been working on it already.

My WH recently told me that I am his rock. He also has told me that I have been great through all of this. I'm sure he wouldn't have said those things to me 3 months ago.

Keep your chin up (even though it may be quivering right now). You will find strength - in God, in your family, and surprisingly, in yourself.

Keep posting here. Everyone here is great.

((((HUGS)))))) K72172

<small>[ August 29, 2004, 11:43 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>

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Thanks K172172. I have been posting here since last Sept. when I first suspected my H was having an A. Then I stopped because like an idiot I decided to trust him. It wasn't until Jan. that I discovered part of the A...they said it was just a friendship, but I suspected more. In July I found email subject lines that told the whole truth and I found a book about Soulmates that he had read to her...yuck. He's been threatening to move out since last July and said he was done with our M, but he stayed...he says he stayed because he was "trying" but he never stopped his A...I don't really consider that trying. So finally I put my foot down and told him that he was waiting for me to get fed up and make the decision because he didn't have the balls to do it himself. That ticked him off and he went and signed a lease.

Anyway, that's my story in a very small nutshell. I went to bed last night, cried, read the Bible, and then sleep came quickly. God is my comfort and my strength...the only one whose love is unfailing.

I'm okay this morning and I'm off to work...strong again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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OK nid. We really know how much this hurts.

Now, will you PLEASE expose them? Nothing at all to lose.

Better yet, draft a Plan B letter and send it and expose them simultaneously.

WAT

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Good Morning!

Glad you're feeling stronger today.

I have to agree with WAT. You need to expose what's going on. I know it's very hard... I was timid about doing it myself, but it has to be done... otherwise... no consequences for their actions?

Listen to WAT. Plan B and exposure at the same time. WHY? Because he's a cake eating fence sitter!

His fence needs to get some splinters, and his cake needs to lose it's frosting.

What's that saying... You don't know what you've got till it's gone? Like I always tell DD, there are worse things than being alone. This kind of crap you are putting up with is worse. (Do I sound a little confrontational this morning?)

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the one who screws up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch. AMEN

K

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Hey WAT, long time no talk. They are exposed. The pres of the board never did anything about it though, just turns the other cheek and they're still best buds...no cajonas(sp?)I guess.

Everyone in my family knows and many of our friends know. The only ones who don't know are his family...and quite frankly, their opinion isn't that important to him. In fact, their in lies his problem...he doesn't know the importance of a family because he's never felt a part of one.

My friends that know are so upset with him, yet no one lets it show except one, and I don't think he cares about her opinion. So there really haven't been any real consequences for them. So, what to do about that?

I've done all I can do...he doesn't see my worth...I'm tempted to move on.

He still feels a need to care for us...I came home to find that he had bought donuts, gave me the good monitor on my computer and other little things. He's made a pile of books (SAA, a journal I wrote to him long ago, a photo album with captions I gave him for our anniversary, and a book called "God's Inspirational Promises, etc.) He plans on taking all this to his apartment I guess and contemplating it all...I don't know. I'm a little tired of trying to understand anything.

I had a good day, a little down, but otherwise good.

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Okay, what do I do? H just called and asked what I was doing, etc. He said he needed to come by to pick up his desk. I said okay, I probably won't be here because I'm going running, but S will be here.

He asked what time I was going running. I told him and he said, "Okay, maybe I'll go with you..." Why is he doing this???? I am so freaking confused.

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Now he just called back and said I should go ahead without him that he'd be too tired after dismantling and moving the desk. Then he said, "Unless you want me to go with you?" I just replied that I've been going by myself for some time and I'll be just fine. I stayed nice and said, its not that you aren't welcome.

Don't tell me he misses me already....any advice?

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I am sure he DOES miss you all ready. you, and the home you made, and your son. But that doesn't mean he is ready to come back. He is only beginning to feel the reality of his new apartment living.
A thought came to me while I was reading your posts. I remember something a friend told me in the beginning. She told me to pray that my WH would be MISERABLE. It was a hard thing to do at first. After all, this was my family, my H, how could I wish for him to be miserable? But finally I tried it. I would say "Lord, please make him miserable in his current situation. Make him miserable when he is with OW, make him miserable with this choice.
I know for a fact it was working. Several times when I saw him he looked awful. Unshaven, dirty, wrinkled clothes. Bags under his eyes. The first time I saw him looking like such a mess I was horrified and said "are you sick?' and he said "no, just tired". I realized then that the holy spirit was truly working on him.
I have a feeling this is something that you need to start right now - pray for him to be miserable.
Also - in your bible reading be sure to read James. It is a small book with a lot of good stuff.
Hang in there

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nid,

He'll string you along just as long as you let him. This is about YOU; either you will allow it or you won't.

Go back and read the advise Mel, Wat and I gave you back when you first started posting here. It still applies, nothing's changed. Don't ruin your chances for a "new" marriage by refusing to stick with the plan.........B that is.

I just about wanted to laugh at his idea that he'd run with you. He moved out and he wants to go running with you?!?!? He's as confused as he ever was. You have all the power here nid and you don't even know it.

Go back and start reading!

Wishing you all the best.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
<strong> Now he just called back and said I should go ahead without him that he'd be too tired after dismantling and moving the desk. Then he said, "Unless you want me to go with you?" I just replied that I've been going by myself for some time and I'll be just fine. I stayed nice and said, its not that you aren't welcome.

Don't tell me he misses me already....any advice? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ready... advice is .... Plan B....

This is too painful for you to "be there" for him and you are constantly ready to respond to him at a moment's notice... and be given crumbs and leftovers.

This is revolt time.

How can he miss you? He's got you available whenever it pleases him?

I say ... Plan B and let him ~actually~ miss you. Coz you are not "there" at his beck and call.

Pep

<small>[ August 30, 2004, 06:09 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

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Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B, Plan B.

He made the decision to separate, it's your decision to STAY separated. You take control. He is adrift.

Did you two secure a separation agreement before he left? Is this available in your state?

If not, he abandoned you and your son.

Who has control of your finances?

Are you getting legal advice?

Nid, you HAVE to start playing hardball. Plan B and get as much control of your finances as you can. DO NOT leave your home.

WAT

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I see most here are advising you to Plan B.

But first I would like you to read a favorite thread here at MB by Carol....I hope it works, so that you can just click on the address below...she had an unusual technique on winning back her H. (Her story starts in the third post.)

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=014880;p=1

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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Nid, go to Plan B and don't look back. It's long long overdue. Do you have your letter ready? Have you given him the letter yet?

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Womanofaith5, I will definitely read James. And I have been praying that he fall so he will find God. What is your opinion of Plan B? I'm trying hard to do what I think God would want me to do. I'm getting the feeling I shouldn't turn my back on him. I know everyone else (Mel, WAT, Mother)are taking a huge sigh right about now, thinking I'm doing the wrong thing. But, I am not making myself very available to him or appearing needy.

He called me this morning and left a long message. I didn't return his call. He asked me later, "You didn't want to call me back?" I just said, "Oh, I didn't realize you wanted me to." Its only been one day, I am going to slowly separate myself.

He came to the house to pick up his desk. It took him quite a while to do it and all the while he was very pleasant to be around. I just went about my business not paying much attention to him. He said he is going to bring us dinner tomorrow and asked what would I like. When he left I was making jello for my son and he came up to me to say goodbye. He gave me a long kiss. I didn't want him to, but he caught me off guard. He told me to call him if I needed anything and that he would be here early in the morning to take our S to school.

I know I should Plan B according to MB rules, but I did kind of like Carol's plan too.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did you two secure a separation agreement before he left? Is this available in your state?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT, no Texas does not have legal separation. However, I laid out all the finances, what he would pay, etc. and had him sign it. We have a joint account from which I will continue to pay all the bills. At the end of this month, my paychecks will start going into my own account and I will continue to pay the bills from his account. I have also changed the beneficiary on my life insurance policy from him to my sister (for my son). He had to sign off on the change.

Also, my mom, me and my S are going to Cozumel next month. I am taking care of myself and my son. I have started a prayer workshop every Tues. night to build a better relationship with God.

Anyway, I think I am doing good.

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Nid, the reason we are all telling you to go to Plan B is not because we love the letter B, but because we know it will be the most effective in your situation.

As long as he can have any contact with you, ie: get his Nid "fix," the longer he can continue his affair. See, he has no motivation to end his affair as long as he knows he can get a "Nid fix." BUT, if you go into Plan B, he MIGHT learn that the OW can't possibly meet his needs.

But that is a big MIGHT because I suspect that your Plan A has dragged on so long that his affair has probably become quite cemented.

And with you on the sidelines eagerly waiting for breadcrumbs, he has the freedom now to really develop his affair. Anyway, I don't know why I am writing this all to you again, you have heard it before over and over and over again from many of us and have never taken our advice before. I wish you the best. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

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The thing is Melody, he isn't talking to OW anymore. She stopped responding to his calls. The cat is out of the bag now too and they wouldn't be able to bring their R public.

Don't you think its a good sign that he is taking all of that stuff with him to read (SAA, scripture, our memory photo album, even our file from when we went to the counselor which also includes the EN and LB questionnaires that we filled out). Why would he take that?

Maybe I am a fool, I know I have been for quite some time, but I am trying to do what God wants of me, not Steve Harley. Afterall, this is in His hands and no one else's.

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Have I missed something here or have I just smoked some bad crack today? Hasn't he told you all this before, Nid? And haven't you been doing all this before? Haven't you hanged your hopes on the same [false hopes] before over and over again?Haven't you been telling us for MONTHS that you were going to Plan B when/if he really left?
Isn't that the definition of insanity, to do the same thing over and over and over again but expect different results?

Nid, what is going on here? Is your fear coloring reality again?

I am not recommending that you do any thing just because "SH says so," or anything that would go against God.

The reason that we are suggesting that you go to Plan B is to save your marriage. Do you not think that is what God wants?

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I am trying to do what God wants of me, not Steve Harley. Afterall, this is in His hands and no one else's.

??? I thought I read you asked for "any advice".... If you don't want advice, why ask?

Have you ever thought this.... God brings you to this site so you can follow the Harley plan?

hmmmmmmm??????

Next time you ask for advice and don't really want advice, just tell us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> save everybody the effort of advising advice which is actually not required although requested.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> (I'm cool)

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I haven't replied to you before but I have been reading this thread and wanted to say something that popped into my head while reading your last response.

You are trying to do what God wants you to do. You have wonderful, experienced, caring people here advising you as to what has worked for them or others here.

Stop and consider the fact that God may be slapping you upside the head with the very advice you are getting.

A story from our priest:

One day a huge flood was coming and the townspeople were told to evacuate.

All but one man left.

A police officer came by to warn him that he needed to leave immediately. He replied that he was putting his faith in God and God wouldn't let him down.

An few hours later, the water was so high that the man had to go to the second floor. A boat rowed by the upstairs window and offered the man a ride. He replied that he was putting his faith in God and God wouldn't let him down.

A few hours later he was forced to the roof by the rising water. A helicopter came to rescue him but he told them to go away. His faith was in God to whom he had prayed to save him.

The man drown.

Upon meeting God in heaven he said, "I prayed to you and you didn't answer my prayers. I put my faith in you and you let me drown."

God replied, I heard your prayers and sent you a police officer who you turned away. I heard you again and sent you a boat. You turned away my help. I worried for you and heard your pleas and sent you a helicopter. Again, you rejected my answer to your prayers. I can only help you if you let me.

Look for God's hand in everything around you. You never know when he's sending you a gift.

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