WW/FWW Come here... - Marriage Builders® Forums

There's a number of you that I am hoping to keep up with. I thought this might be a way to do it? Also to ask questions/thoughts that we might not want to devote a separate thread to?

Feel free to ignore me if I'm being pesty.

Jetgirl, Wakingup, Mell...thinking of you guys in particular.

Whats this? No men allowed? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Just kidding, have fun ladies!

I'll be in on it. Great idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by mell:
 I'll be in on it. Great idea. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>(((Mell))))

Hoping today is a bit easier.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by SleeplessInSF:
 Whats this? No men allowed? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Just kidding, have fun ladies! <hr /></blockquote>Naahhh... men have given us enough trouble! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Care if rae joins in???

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by rae03:
 Care if rae joins in??? <hr /></blockquote>Hi Rae! How are you doing? I've read some of the posting between you and 2scared- but catch me up.

Hi,
I'm all for it!

Hi Sadfww--

I don't know if there's much to update you on...

Um, I get to sleep in my own bed tonight...no don't get excited for me...my H is staying at his sister's tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> What I wouldn't give to snuggle up to him once again!!!

Last time I spoke to him, I asked him if he was making progress and he said, "Some. I have good days and bad days."

I have written him another letter, expressing my realizations and thoughts during this time alone. Had my sister to read for anything that he might take the wrong way too...so hopefully it'll be met with an open heart.

I emailed him today to ask him when he'd be home on Sat and he'd talk to me when he got home...haven't heard from him yet.

What about you? I read so many stories that I get confused as to which story belongs to whom!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> What's new with you?

BTW--I think it was a marvelous idea to have a place for us FWW and WW to post.

Happy Friday-
rae

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Waking Up:
 Hi,
I'm all for it! <hr /></blockquote><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

WU- I posted to you on your thread about deciding to end contact. Rae, Mell or anyone else jump in here with your own experiences.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by rae03:
 Hi Sadfww--

I don't know if there's much to update you on...

Um, I get to sleep in my own bed tonight...no don't get excited for me...my H is staying at his sister's tonight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> What I wouldn't give to snuggle up to him once again!!!

Last time I spoke to him, I asked him if he was making progress and he said, "Some. I have good days and bad days."

I have written him another letter, expressing my realizations and thoughts during this time alone. Had my sister to read for anything that he might take the wrong way too...so hopefully it'll be met with an open heart.

I emailed him today to ask him when he'd be home on Sat and he'd talk to me when he got home...haven't heard from him yet.

What about you? I read so many stories that I get confused as to which story belongs to whom!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> What's new with you?

BTW--I think it was a marvelous idea to have a place for us FWW and WW to post.

Happy Friday-
rae <hr /></blockquote>Happy Friday to you too!

What's new with me? I'm in the middle of plotting an affair with my H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

This is actually at the advice of a number of posters here....the intimacy and passion we once had is sadly lacking in our marriage at this point. So...I'm making plans for tonight. My challenge is that my H has been working weekend nights at his cousin's bar so that he gets some time out of the house and can refind his sanity after caring for our 3 rugrats all week. The 3 rugrats are the other challenge.

Justahusband suggested that I set my alarm for a bit before he gets home, light candles, and leave a note for him...I'm planning to do it tonight if I'm not too exhausted!

WU--

My advice, WU, is to END contact!!! The sooner the better. Have you read Surviving an Affair? In it, it states that every affair ends in a natural death.

I don't remember reading about you...can you post a link to your story or a summary of what your situation is? I'd like to help you, but could be more effective if I knew what's going on in your life.

We are here for you!!!

Rae

Hi girls, what a lousy club to be a member of Huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

WU, I have not heard your story either. I will be supportive of your emotions, but absolutely encourage NC!!!!!

It is an addiction, it is bad for you, just like any other addictive behavior, except chocolate. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm sure that one doesn't count.

Be strong girls. Build a support group around you, with people who will hold you accountable.

KY, my friends call me Jelly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Here's WU's thread- I believe most of her story is on it:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=032647

Waving hello to KY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh, WU...I am praying for you. Thank God for putting a wedge between you and OM. I pray that you find the courage to close the door, deadbolt it, throw the key away and, in a Poe-esque fashion, take a trowel, a bunch of bricks, and a large amount of cement and build an everlasting wall between you and OM. It seems that you're doing in brick by brick...hey whatever it takes.

Where are you in your relationship with OM? What is the very latest?

SFWW-

Oh, good for you! Sounds like a wonderful time! I'm so envious! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The best I've got to look forward to tonight is to snuggle up to my husband's pillow. Maybe if I sqeeze it hard enough POOF! he'll appear? Poop.

I'm at home right now...it feels so good, but so stinkin' empty. My kitty cat, I think, is mad at me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He thinks I abandon him.

Good luck with your rendevous...sounds like a great plan!

Rae

Hi Girls, just wanted to come in and say hi, i'm also a fww, recovery with husband for over 3 years now, just wanted to be some support if anyone needs it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by rae03:
 SFWW-

Oh, good for you! Sounds like a wonderful time! I'm so envious! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The best I've got to look forward to tonight is to snuggle up to my husband's pillow. Maybe if I sqeeze it hard enough POOF! he'll appear? Poop.

I'm at home right now...it feels so good, but so stinkin' empty. My kitty cat, I think, is mad at me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He thinks I abandon him.

Good luck with your rendevous...sounds like a great plan!

Rae <hr /></blockquote>Rae- thinking of you tonight! I hope it works...I'm awfully tired (yawn) as I get up at 5 am each morning for work.

Don't give up hope, Rae... you have such a beautiful heart- your posts really touch me!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by JEC47:
 Hi Girls, just wanted to come in and say hi, i'm also a fww, recovery with husband for over 3 years now, just wanted to be some support if anyone needs it. <hr /></blockquote>Thank you JEC! Can you point me towards your story??

SadFWW best of luck to you tonight. Don't be hitting snooze. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H and I are going to nibble on some shrimp and watch some TV. Have a great night, I hope all goes according to plan. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KY

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by kyellow4:
 SadFWW best of luck to you tonight. Don't be hitting snooze. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

H and I are going to nibble on some shrimp and watch some TV. Have a great night, I hope all goes according to plan. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

KY <hr /></blockquote>Sounds good KY...hey, isn't shrimp an aphrodisiac??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Have a great night yourself.

Hi girls.

Some of you may know me, but to those who don't, I've stated many, many times on this forum how valuable it is to have WSs and former WSs participate here. It is a learning experience and a full perspective is needed for the benefit of all interested in recovering their marriages and finding the good within them.

I wish you all success in finding the noble path and achieving the highest good.

Wasabi!!!(my way to say whats up)...
I just saw your topic Sadfww, and had to say hello. Very cute, and vey needed. For me anyway. I need the support from Fww's! I look for your posts! Time to brew the coffee...HUGS!!

hey I'll joing this gang as well.....me being one of ya'll.....i'm a FWW who wishes my now WH would dump the evil OW he has now and come home....

mmmmmmmmm....chocolate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> my other weakness... haven't quite gotten control over that one yet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I'm 1.5 months out from NC/gained nearly ten pounds-can't keep my hands out of the "stress relief" drawer at work. Slowly coming out of the fog and depression, I hope. Thanx for starting this thread <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

missinghimterribly, Jetgirl, sansan - good morning!

How's everyone doing today? I cr*pped out last night- shut my alarm off and went to sleep instead of getting up for my rendevous with my H. Uggghh.... My two year old had been up at 2 and I was up with him...and I was just so tired that I wasn't in the mood...SO, tonight instead!

WAT - thanks for your words too...your wise advice is always appreciated.

Ladies-

I am so confused...please help me! I can't seem to do anything right in my WH's eyes. Everything I do he finds fault in.

Last night, my H came home before he went to his sister's house. He wasn't supposed to--he said he was going to just leave right after work to go there.

He sat down and we chatted amicably. He asked me what I wanted to talk to him about. I said that I had a letter for him, gave it to him. I gently asked if he would consider letting me just stay in the house in another room. Reasons? Well, currently I'm staying with my sister...she has a small 2-bedroom duplex. It's cramped, I can't give her much money to help her out, she just got a new BF who is staying there also. It's just very difficult. He didn't reply.

Then, I told him that I'd set up an email acct. so I could recieve 2Scared's book. 2S asked me if I'd look at it and give him feedback. He said, "I know." I asked how he knew and he said he'd been reading my posts and figured out what the password was b/c it's the same one I use for just about all of my passwords. Now, there's absolutely nothing that I wouldn't want him to read or anything like that. I want my life to be an open book to him.

He countered that with, "You're complaining about me spending time with G (a former female friend of mine who, in 4 days asked my husband out for drinks 2 times, asked him if he wanted to move in with her after the house sold, and asked him if he wanted to keep his truck cap in her yard--all of these calls were made by her. One night when he was over at her house I asked her what was up...she said that I was accusing her of having something going on w/ my H. That's the nutshell of it) and you're setting up this 'private' email acct." I told him that I set that up, so I could have my privacy, so that nobody could have my personal information. G, on the other hand, was calling him, etc.
He also said, "You'd better be glad you told me about that." He said that I'd set the email up Mon. I spoke to him Tues. and didn't tell him till last night. Well, in all honesty, there were two things that I forgot to tell him on Tues., and that was one thing. But I did tell him the next time I spoke with him (yesterday).

He said that I spend too much time writing on this site and not enough time reading. I told him that I do read a lot. I write when I feel that I can be of some help or when I want some feedback. I do read a ton. And I do take the a lot of the advice that is given to me.

He also told me that I'm a hypocrite. I replied with, "I've asked God to forgive me. He has. I am no longer a hypocrite," He said, "Well that may be [God's forgiven me], but I haven't!"

Then, he said, "There's things that I can live with and there are things that I can't live with. I won't live like it was before." I said, "I know!" It wasn't good before the A and that's why I want to go to counseling.

As he was leaving he said, "I have some advice for you. Go find a lawyer."

As he walked out the door, I followed him to his truck. I begged him to try with me...to seek counseling together. He said, "We'll see." He also said that he doesn't trust me or respect me and never will.

What I don't get is that all of the stuff that he's read says not to make any decisions when your emotions are so crazy. It also says that it takes time.

I'm truly confused and at a complete loss. I am working on myself right now. I think that he sees that. I think that maybe he just lost his temper when he told me to get a lawyer. I don't know if he's trying to make me angry and hurt me by saying these hurtful things or what. I know that he's in pain right now and that might be why he's lashing out. I talked to my mom last night and she said that the only thing I can do is keep doing right. If he's not willing to see that I'm trying, then there is nothing more I can do. While that's true, I'm still here crying my eyes out, not knowing which was is up and which way is down.

Rae

Rae:

I'd like to give you some advice. I'm a BH, and now my W and I are getting D. Our reconciliation failed, but out of that I feel I can offer others warnings not to succumb to the same pitfalls that we did.

You suggestions, while well intended on your part, really mean to your BH that, once again, he's wrong. "WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!" And, not good enough. Once again, you've got the right answer, and all must follow. He's thinking, "Well, little Miss Waive-My-Legs-In-The-Air-For-OM, should I go and have a fling, too? Will that enlighten me? After all, you've got all the answers, don't you?"

You did blow it by not telling him about the email account. That was, in his eyes, proof that you do not really respect or value him. It's a sign that you don't trust him, but here you are expecting him to trust you. You have to be absolutely open to him. No secrets, no privacy. Especially if he's not to have them, either.

Stop trying to "educate" your H. Right now, you have no credibility with him. That's where the hypocrite comment comes from.

There is nothing more infuriating for the betrayed than the double standard. You can't hold one set of values, one code of conduct for him that you don't or won't for yourself. You can't hold your needs, wants, and hopes as inviolate, and then turn around and dismiss his. You can't expect him to have a greater moral character or higher threshold for tolerance than you. Right now it might seem that he is occupying the moral high ground, and therefore he may appear to be the morally stronger. But, he is only human.

What's good for the goose...

Just listen to him. Not what he says, but rather what he doesn't. Don't forget - you humiliated and emasculated him. Right now, he is too embarassed to share with you his innermost thoughts. He is putting on a brave face, but one that he hopes will mask his true feelings. This way, he does not make himself vulnerable to further hurt.

Have empathy, and I mean genuine empathy for him. You have no idea just how humiliating it is for a BH. You have demonstrated him to be utterly disposable; it is hard to feel you can approach anything like parity in an R when the other partner was able to replace you so readily.

Have patience. If you try to impose your schedule and timeline on him, you are once again showing him that he is wrong, you know better, blah-blah-blah. You are taking the superior role in the R, and relegating him to the inferior one.

And, if it ever comes up, let him know that OM was not better intimately.

The bottom line, just validate what your H is going through, even the mistakes. Especially the mistakes. I think that too many FWS, while intimately aware of their foibles ("I'm only human! I made a huge mistake!"), are not prepared to accept the human frailties or weaknesses of their BS. But, allow him to make mistakes on the road to recovery, and then grant him the same foregiveness for his as you want for yours.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Uphill:

You suggestions, while well intended on your part, really mean to your BH that, once again, he's wrong. "WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!" And, not good enough. Once again, you've got the right answer, and all must follow. He's thinking, "Well, little Miss Waive-My-Legs-In-The-Air-For-OM, should I go and have a fling, too? Will that enlighten me? After all, you've got all the answers, don't you?"

Stop trying to "educate" your H. Right now, you have no credibility with him. That's where the hypocrite comment comes from.<hr /></blockquote>Uphill- not trying to be obnoxious- but truly- what exactly are you talking about here? I'm confused! That isn't anything abnormal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm just not sure which part of RAe's post you are referencing.
<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Uphill:


There is nothing more infuriating for the betrayed than the double standard. You can't hold one set of values, one code of conduct for him that you don't or won't for yourself. You can't hold your needs, wants, and hopes as inviolate, and then turn around and dismiss his. You can't expect him to have a greater moral character or higher threshold for tolerance than you. Right now it might seem that he is occupying the moral high ground, and therefore he may appear to be the morally stronger. But, he is only human.

What's good for the goose...<hr /></blockquote>??? Again, I still am confused. Is she supposed to condone him having an affair? I'm probably missing the point so please do educate me! I mean this sincerely.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Uphill:

Just listen to him. Not what he says, but rather what he doesn't. Don't forget - you humiliated and emasculated him. Right now, he is too embarassed to share with you his innermost thoughts. He is putting on a brave face, but one that he hopes will mask his true feelings. This way, he does not make himself vulnerable to further hurt.

Have empathy, and I mean genuine empathy for him. You have no idea just how humiliating it is for a BH. You have demonstrated him to be utterly disposable; it is hard to feel you can approach anything like parity in an R when the other partner was able to replace you so readily.

Have patience. If you try to impose your schedule and timeline on him, you are once again showing him that he is wrong, you know better, blah-blah-blah. You are taking the superior role in the R, and relegating him to the inferior one.

And, if it ever comes up, let him know that OM was not better intimately.

The bottom line, just validate what your H is going through, even the mistakes. Especially the mistakes. I think that too many FWS, while intimately aware of their foibles ("I'm only human! I made a huge mistake!"), are not prepared to accept the human frailties or weaknesses of their BS. But, allow him to make mistakes on the road to recovery, and then grant him the same foregiveness for his as you want for yours. <hr /></blockquote>I completely agree that WS should have greater tolerance b/c of their past sins. Human frailities should be accepted and forgiven on both sides.

Question for you- you said:

"You have no idea just how humiliating it is for a BH. " and " You are taking the superior role in the R, and relegating him to the inferior one.

And, if it ever comes up, let him know that OM was not better intimately."

Do you think it is as humiliating an experience for a BW? Or is there a gender difference?

UPhill-

I am just as confused as SFWW here. I was wondering the same things. How am I trying to "Education" him? How am I saying that I have all the answers? My letter was actually a letter trying to say that I don't have all the answers...please please please tell me, specifically, so taht I can avoided him taking me that way.

I did tell him that I know that he's angry b/c of me...that he's angry b/c he's in pain. Doesn't that count as validation? I seriously wish you could've heard the whole conversation, b/c I left a lot out. I do appreciate the male perspective. It's obvious that males and females communicate differently, b/c my intentions WERE NOT meant as you took them or as my H took them.

Still confused-
Rae

Rae, I`m a BH that has rebuilt my M. I know what uphill is talking about. I`ll try to explain.

He sat down and we chatted amicably. He asked me what I wanted to talk to him about. I said that I had a letter for him, gave it to him. I gently asked if he would consider letting me just stay in the house in another room. Reasons? Well, currently I'm staying with my sister...she has a small 2-bedroom duplex. It's cramped, I can't give her much money to help her out, she just got a new BF who is staying there also. It's just very difficult. He didn't reply.

This is the "suggestions/wrong part" part. A BH feels that he was not good enough, was fawed, could not do anything right. Have lost all control. Your gently asking him to move back in is telling him that he is still wrong(he probably had a time line in mind) and robs him of control.

Then, I told him that I'd set up an email acct. so I could recieve 2Scared's book. 2S asked me if I'd look at it and give him feedback. He said, "I know." I asked how he knew and he said he'd been reading my posts and figured out what the password was b/c it's the same one I use for just about all of my passwords. Now, there's absolutely nothing that I wouldn't want him to read or anything like that. I want my life to be an open book to him.

This is where the hypocrite comment comes from. He has been reading this site, not just your posts either. He knows ALL about radical honesty. He knew on monday about the e-mail account. on TUES you didn`t tell him. That fact has been burning inside him until you told him.

He countered that with, "You're complaining about me spending time with G (a former female friend of mine who, in 4 days asked my husband out for drinks 2 times, asked him if he wanted to move in with her after the house sold, and asked him if he wanted to keep his truck cap in her yard--all of these calls were made by her. One night when he was over at her house I asked her what was up...she said that I was accusing her of having something going on w/ my H. That's the nutshell of it) and you're setting up this 'private' email acct." I told him that I set that up, so I could have my privacy, so that nobody could have my personal information. G, on the other hand, was calling him, etc.

This is the double standard. He sees the private e-mail account as your means to hide things from him. And you want him to be an open book to you. Remember he knows all the MB principales by now. So he is judging you by them because you picked them to rebuild your M.

Hope this helps,

RG

Hi Rae. It’s late and I don’t know if I can write down my thoughts clearly or not, but I’m going to give it a try. I’m a FWW, 2 years and 2 months past d-day. What I’m going to try to write is based on my own experience.

Being a WW trying to win back her H requires a whole new mindset than what you’re used to. I agree that God has forgiven you, but your H needs more time. I know you know that there is a price to pay for being wayward, and part of that price is loss of privacy. In order to win back your H’s trust, you have to practically consider that even your very thoughts are no longer your own. It’s time to be very open about every decision you make, and to consider your H’s thoughts and feelings first about everything.

What I mean is, before you set up any accounts on the internet of any kind that require any type of password or whatever, speak to your H first. Then, don’t tell him you’re going to do it...ASK him if it’s o.k. with him. If he says no, don’t do it. Listen to how your H says he feels and consider his feelings, even if you don’t understand them or disagree with him.

Maybe an example would help. I know your post was not about NC, but I’m just using the topic as my example. I want to share a light bulb moment that I had that changed my perspective in recovery.

At one point, my H and I were discussing my NC with FOM. I kept trying to tell him that continued contact was not romantic, not a continuation of the A (foggy, I now know). He kept telling me that to HIM it felt like further contact was continuation of the A. We went back and forth about it, and I just kept thinking he was wrong – that his feelings were wrong. Then, suddenly, it hit me, and I FINALLY realized that what I thought and felt didn’t matter. If I wanted to stay M, I had to consider my H’s feelings to be all that mattered on the subject.

I don’t know why I was so dense up until that moment. For some reason, it seems to really take a lot of us a while not just to come out of the fog, but to REALLY see the damage we did by having an A, and the extent of the hurt our H’s have suffered. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true.

Keep praying, and like your mom said, keep doing right. Ask God to show you how you need to change, but be prepared - what He shows you is going to hurt (although God has a way of being gentle and softening the blows a little). God bless you as you go through this.

Sincerely,

Rose

[ October 17, 2004, 02:49 AM: Message edited by: Rose55 ]

You know I think I should be here as well because nothing seems to be going well as I thought it was.
I usually post on 'Just found out'.

Now I know and accept this is my fault that we are where we are, however that said, I wonder if now my H just thinks its not worth trying to hard and is looking out for greener pastures.

Maybe I’m just being a bit paranoid and extra sensitive because I cheated on him , I’m not sure but maybe you gals can help here.

Ok it took me 4 months since D day to finally get all the details out about the affair, the whole thing, the sex, where, how, when, all of that. Feel lower than you can believe about that discussion.
I know I did myself no favours by refusing to discus all the details until now but admit to fear, fear he would leave or tell me to go and rot in hell. But in any event I didn’t until last week.
We have a very good MC who has done wonders so far but my H has stopped going for the last 2 sessions. MC was a bit concerned about his withdrawal but says give it time.

Ok, since that day he’s had a few phone calls on his work mobile, goes to the study closes the door. He has disappeared for some hours daily and last night was out to 4.30 in the morning & came home pretty well loaded. I had a call early on from him saying he was drinking with the boys and would be home by taxi late. Mm ok. Maybe

I have been giving him some space because after our discussion he didn’t want to be near me at all and I did expect that. Didn’t think to much about any of this until just about an hour ago.

He was supposed to go to collect some timber for the patio hours ago. When I asked my son if he knew if Dad was going to pick up anything else he said I don’t think so but he did get a call from Lena about some door or other he said yesterday he would fix for her..
So when did he talk to her yesterday???
Ok Lena is a female staff Sgt who runs his office at the barracks and is about 26 or so and reasonably attractive .

Alright I know that I am hyper sensitive and I may be a hypocrite but if he even looks at any woman right now I get all sh*tty..
I accept that I am probably just being a jealous selfish so & so but do you think I need to worry or am I just allowing my fears to get my imagination working overtime????

Please just tell me I am being stupid here!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

RG:

Thanks. That is EXACTLY what I meant. I'm glad that you, as a BH who was able to successfully reconcile with your WW, replied. It provides balance.

Ladies, do not for one minute assume that recovery is inevitable. It is something you must work for. It involves a radical change in your thinking, just as Rose55 said.

Stop focussing on what our BH OUGHT to be thinking and feeling, and focus on what he is thinking and feeling. That is validation - being able to see and accept where he is, emotionally, and what is going through his mind.

Most affairs are for unmet needs. You had holes in your lives that OM was able to fill. Did you ever think that your H has unmet needs, and may have had these for as long as you? But, he didn't have an A to get them filled; he just accepted that you don't get everything you want in life. Perhaps you only get what you deserve, and he's thinking that he didn't deserve to have yor fulfilling his ENs. But,life goes on and you suck it up.

So, what are the barriers to recovery in your H's mind? Fear. Fear that it is he who is being given the second chance. Fear that he will be found still not good enough. Fear that his needs will never get filled. Fear that the OM will forever be in your heart. Whenever you have an argument or disagreement, you will retreat in your mind to your fantasy A, and "Mr. Perfect".

Fear that you did truly love OM, and will come to resent your H even more. Fear that when you make love, you have to think of OM in order to get through it. That you'll compare your H to OM, and he'll be found wanting.

Fear mostly that you are settling for your H, but then he is settling, too.

Just validate your H. He is a human being, a person of worth, just like you. He has wants and needs. He has fears. He makes mistakes. But mostly, he doesn't want to be treated like a pair of shoes or handbag - acquired or disposed of as you desire.

RG - you reconciled. I think it would be wise to tell these women what your FWW did that worked.

So, is this essentially about POJA- especially with triggers such as private email accounts etc?
I can see what you are saying if I'm interpreting this correctly.

Oh...and by the way- thank you LH For posting here- it is very helpful to us and I hope you will continue to comment!

[ October 17, 2004, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: Sadfww ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by aussieswife:

Alright I know that I am hyper sensitive and I may be a hypocrite but if he even looks at any woman right now I get all sh*tty..
I accept that I am probably just being a jealous selfish so & so but do you think I need to worry or am I just allowing my fears to get my imagination working overtime????

Please just tell me I am being stupid here!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>You know, Aussie has posted quite a bit here- I would really be shocked if he decided to have a "revenge" A after reading all of the horrors here and experiencing it himself. I honestly think he is just needing a bit of time to process everything you told him- and has withdrawn a bit to do so.

Well I so hope that’s the case.
I don’t think he’d do anything out of revenge but he may be thinking he has no obligation because I failed him utterly.
Its 10.45pm here and he only came home at 9.30 tonight, no timber, no nothing so I don’t know what to think.
I just have a horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach

Thanks, RG for your reply...I get it more clearly now. Thanks, Rose, for your input as well. RG--please do tell us what your FWW did that was right. I will take these suggestions to heart.

What's POJA?

As of now, thanks to my H's sister, my H and I are going to have a different system during this separation time. We are going to reevaluate every two weeks with no contact in between. During the week, my H will stay at the house and I'll stay at my grandparents' during the week (so that I'm not in my sister's way) and on weekends, he'll stay with his sister and I'll stay at the house.

Rae

AW= <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I feel so bad for you, you probably thought things would get better right away if you told Aussie all the details. AW, they will!!! get better. But right now, he has to digest and assimilate all the information, that he thought he wanted to know. I am sure he wanted to know, but before he was just guessing but now you told him everything!!! He probably is feeling the same as when he found out about the affair. So, now he has to go thru all those initial emotions. AW, I think you and I are similar in one thing, and that is, we always think the worst will happen because of what we did. You know and I know our husband loves us, but we still dont understand why! We still dont understand why would they want to keep us! But ...I think they really do, want to keep us as their wives. but their love for us is so big that knowing the details of the affair, makes them hurt so much. They cannot understand how these women that they love so much are capable of such act!!
AW, I am sure he will be coming out of this soon. Give him time, show him you care for him. Show him your love, by just going to him and asking him how is he. By just touching his hand, even if you think he does not want your touch. He needs you more than ever. He needs to know you are there becausse you love him.
I am amazed how much damage ,something that started so innocently (for me anyways) turned into such horrible mess.
Please, dont give up on your husband, he hasn't either!!

Take care
Myrta

With all due respect to my fellow BH, I would like for you to consider starting another thread to address the issues that Rae has brought forth. Let's not hijack this thread for WW/FWW and drive away the women who could give us a great deal insight into their thoughts and feelings. Thank You.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by rae03:

What's POJA?

Rae <hr /></blockquote>POJA is policy of joint agreement. You can read more about it on the "concepts" portion of this website. It does make sense when you think about it...anything that is going to affect you and your H should be discussed and agreed to as a couple.

bump to start the week out.

Wel I'll start it off then.. some honesty...

I never thought that in a million years I’d be here or , well lets face it, commit adultery.
Its an ugly word, hard to face anyone who knows.
I can’t believe how totally insecure I have become. Once I could move a family from state to state, set up and arrange new housing, schools for the kids, sort out the banking and finances , learn the whereabouts of the best shops for bargains in the new area, all those things you do for granted, but all alone, sometimes for months & months , cope with isolation and separation from friends & family… but now I can’t seem to handle the small issues between my H and I let alone the serious ones.
I wonder what has happened to me.?

Up until D day I was this so confident empowered person, so together, proud of my achievements, my children , my marriage, but now, its like I just float from one crisis to another..
I don’t know why he puts up with my crap, but the more considerate he is I seem to want to push him away. I don’t understand that at all unless like Myrta said I feel I don’t deserve him, yes maybe its that.
Now I panic at every side look he gives me, wonder if he is seeing someone or wants to, panic ...
Its frustrating, humiliating, sometimes pathetic.
I hate it, I want to just scream and hate wanting to do that.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by aussieswife:
 Wel I'll start it off then.. some honesty...

I never thought that in a million years I’d be here or , well lets face it, commit adultery.
Its an ugly word, hard to face anyone who knows.
I can’t believe how totally insecure I have become. Once I could move a family from state to state, set up and arrange new housing, schools for the kids, sort out the banking and finances , learn the whereabouts of the best shops for bargains in the new area, all those things you do for granted, but all alone, sometimes for months & months , cope with isolation and separation from friends & family… but now I can’t seem to handle the small issues between my H and I let alone the serious ones.
I wonder what has happened to me.?

Up until D day I was this so confident empowered person, so together, proud of my achievements, my children , my marriage, but now, its like I just float from one crisis to another..
I don’t know why he puts up with my crap, but the more considerate he is I seem to want to push him away. I don’t understand that at all unless like Myrta said I feel I don’t deserve him, yes maybe its that.
Now I panic at every side look he gives me, wonder if he is seeing someone or wants to, panic ...
Its frustrating, humiliating, sometimes pathetic.
I hate it, I want to just scream and hate wanting to do that. <hr /></blockquote>It is all of those things. You know, my reaction to my As was to have a serious mental health crisis- I was clinically depressed and had severe anxiety (to the point where I thought it would be better just to not go on.) It is horrible... and I think a lot of these types of emotions stem from (1) the loss of the certainty of ourselves as "good" persons...seriously, think about that. Our self-image takes a real battering when we fully come out of our fog and realize what we were capable of doing.... (2) the emotional upheaval in our personal lives- even disregarding the pain/issues with H, the rest of your life IS impacted by dday and that is HARD and of course (3) the serious issues that have to be addressed with H now that Dday has come- the fog has lifted and you are just hoping that your H wants to work through things and work on your marriage....and all along you really feel that perhaps you don't deserve for that to happen b/c of what you did.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The aftermath of an A is excruciating for all involved....but I DO BELIEVE that things can get BETTER! Can you remind me- are you seeing any type of counciler? How about anti-d's? Both things may help you through this time.

Yes we are or should I say were both going to a MC who is also a psychiatrist and seems to believe in much of what MB does.
She is also our IC . She is a little bit disconcerted with his behaviour but has certified him ok for return to Army service. As she so delicately put it to me, if he’s not suicidal then the rules only permit me to send him back suitable for PBI ( I asked about PBI as well it means ‘poor bloody infantry) cannon fodder. Just great.
I see her twice a week and so far have been on no AD’s which she is not keen on. She said she would like me to take St Johns Wort instead, apparently it’s very effective
Aussie stopped going 2 sessions ago and in a way has gone into, well I'd call it withdrawal almost like I had, maybe have a bit still perhaps.

He seems to be living almost a separate life in some ways but he still says nice things to me and compliments me which like I said I can’t figure. But preoccuppied for sure

[QUOTE]Originally posted by aussieswife:

I see her twice a week and so far have been on no AD’s which she is not keen on. She said she would like me to take St Johns Wort instead, apparently it’s very effective.

I hope it works well for you!

Aussie stopped going 2 sessions ago and in a way has gone into, well I'd call it withdrawal almost like I had, maybe have a bit still perhaps.
He seems to be living almost a separate life in some ways but he still says nice things to me and compliments me which like I said I can’t figure. But preoccuppied for sure

It's hard to know what's going on in someone's mind when they won't talk. Hopefully he'll get through this withdrawal stage soon and open up to you. This must be terribly hard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think it seems so bad because we were doing so well. Much better than I expected. I suppose my expectatons rose each week.

All I know is that I want my husband back, the man I had before the affair, before the damn war.
Every now & then I see glimpses of him, but then there is this emptiness that I cannot fill for him. Is it me?
Does it ever stop hurting knowing what you have done?

I'm posting a brief bit of my story here- you can learn more on Just found out- WW needs support.

Married 13 years- husband selfish and not involved in our M emotionally. I was lonely and made a big mistake. Both the OM and I have decided it's wrong and that we will not continue in our A.

I have feelings for this person and I have not told my H anything. Fear for the OM as well as fear of what my H might do has kept me from it.
It hurts so much to think I've screwed my life up so much.

Unfortunately, I'll join the club.

AW,

I apologize for barging into this thread as I am not a W or a WW or a FWW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But, you said something that triggered two questions, that perhaps the ladies on this thread can address and help you address.

First, what was the timing of your affair with respect to your H's fighting in the war? Was he gone? Was he just home? Had he been wounded? When the A took place and was discovered?

Second question is sort of connected. I know your H has had many "loses" in the last short period. How long was the period of your A, his getting wounded, him being home, the loss of his friend?

I am wondering if some of what you see is NOT caused by the other issues as well. He was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Shock Disorder right? Was that before or after your A?

My point for you all to discuss and consider is the timing of things and events in your lives as well as the issue of other factors in the marriage which hinder the marriage and recovery.

I will leave now. I don't know why but your comments sort of triggered these thoughts. I hope the ladies here can help you.

God Bless,

JL

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by aussieswife:
 I think it seems so bad because we were doing so well. Much better than I expected. I suppose my expectatons rose each week.<hr /></blockquote>It's too bad that he stopped posting here....I do think things will get better as time passes, though.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by aussieswife:

All I know is that I want my husband back, the man I had before the affair, before the damn war.
Every now & then I see glimpses of him, but then there is this emptiness that I cannot fill for him. Is it me? <hr /></blockquote>I'm guessing that it is just everything that has become somewhat "unbearable" at the moment and that he needs some time and space to process and come to grips with it all.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by aussieswife:

Does it ever stop hurting knowing what you have done? <hr /></blockquote>Yes and no. I know that I will always regret what I did- and the pain it caused my H. But I dont' feel horrible on a daily basis about it (anymore).

Hi safww i have not posted my story yet, I have been reading here for a long time but just started posting very recently, i am having a little trouble with guilt and forgivness of myself and with God, I have gotten some very good advice on here in the last week or so and have decided to give all my guilt and shame for everything over to God and i'm feeling much better. I've been praying for many here and feel so blessed to be past some of the things that some ww are still dealing with, i just really want to help in any way i can and just let all know that it can get better, love for your spouse can come back and forgivness can be had by all. Take care.

Hi all~

I've not had a chance to read all the posts yet, but I like this idea. I'm a FWW, nearly 18 months into recovery. I also have an OC.

I have a soft spot in my heart for newbie WW/FWW's and would like to help in any way I can.

However, since it's a constant learning process, I too need help from time to time. Don't know if I'll ever reach the pinnacle of R--not sure if there is one? I think my H and I are being successful, but to say we are successful, might would be flirting with complacency, you know? Well a little food for thought, anyway.

WAT, if you're checking in on this thread again...statements like this mean so very much to me, and the reason I like visiting over here at GQ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> : <blockquote>quote:<hr /> I've stated many, many times on this forum how valuable it is to have WSs and former WSs participate here. It is a learning experience and a full perspective is needed for the benefit of all interested in recovering their marriages and finding the good within them.
<hr /></blockquote>~autumnday

[ October 18, 2004, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]

Hi giys!....Change of pace...Am I allowed to say this---my H is on my nerves tonight. I don't think I like him today!! He had a bad day at work..he's barked at me a couple of times
Question----

Yes, I'm commited to my marriage. Yes, I love my H. BUT, when he's an a**, my mind thinks, this is part of the reason I had an a..I know, I shouldn't blame him. Do any FWW know what I mean? ( plus, I'm having a hard time typing my thoughts). Will these thoughts go away? When my H is an a** again, I'd like not to think of the A and OM. It hasn't been a long time with NC, so maybe I'm still depressed...Any thoughts??

Hi Jet, I think thats pretty normal for you to feel that way, but don't let the bad times with your husband send you back with thoughts of om, try and do something good for yourself when things are rough, like go shopping, take a hot bath,anything but don't start dwelling on om because it will make you even madder at your husband and you will become distant with what if thoughts. I'll be praying for you.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by JEC47:
 Hi safww i have not posted my story yet, I have been reading here for a long time but just started posting very recently, i am having a little trouble with guilt and forgivness of myself and with God, I have gotten some very good advice on here in the last week or so and have decided to give all my guilt and shame for everything over to God and i'm feeling much better. I've been praying for many here and feel so blessed to be past some of the things that some ww are still dealing with, i just really want to help in any way i can and just let all know that it can get better, love for your spouse can come back and forgivness can be had by all. Take care. <hr /></blockquote>I'm so glad that you are feeling better!!! Share your story when you can- but no pressure.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by autumnday:
 Hi all~

I've not had a chance to read all the posts yet, but I like this idea. I'm a FWW, nearly 18 months into recovery. I also have an OC.

~autumnday <hr /></blockquote>Autumnday- it's always great to hear success stories...is your story posted somewhere here?
As you can see from my signature line my A's- and my dday were quite some time ago. However, as JL put it our marriage recovery was by default- we never addressed any of the issues, and our relationship until the last few months has been steadily deteriorating for a number of reasons.
I only really feel that we are NOW recovering as I apply some of the MB (and JL) principles to my marriage! Thanks for coming over!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by jetgirl63:
 Hi giys!....Change of pace...Am I allowed to say this---my H is on my nerves tonight. I don't think I like him today!! He had a bad day at work..he's barked at me a couple of times
Question----

Yes, I'm commited to my marriage. Yes, I love my H. BUT, when he's an a**, my mind thinks, this is part of the reason I had an a..I know, I shouldn't blame him. Do any FWW know what I mean? ( plus, I'm having a hard time typing my thoughts). Will these thoughts go away? When my H is an a** again, I'd like not to think of the A and OM. It hasn't been a long time with NC, so maybe I'm still depressed...Any thoughts?? <hr /></blockquote>Yep you're allowed to say that your H gets on your nerves. I'd guess that everyone's spouse does on a regular basis <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Jet - I think that minor annoyances are a part of human nature. What leaves us open for an A, however, is when we have important EN's that aren't being met in our marriage. Have you figured out what you were missing from your H (not pointing fingers here- just wondering if you have isolated what is missing from your M so that it is something that can be addressed.)

I forget- have you had dday yet? I know you are in NC which is a GOOD thing!

Sadfww~

Thank you for the welcome.

I don't think there's a place where I wrote out my story, but it definitely unfolded over time on P/C. If you look back to the time of my registering through the time of confessing to my H in early 5/03, you will get the picture. I'd be happy to share the gist of it here though, if you'd like.

Jet~

It's normal, but it can be remedied. I used to do as you describe, and I call it "running". As in, H's being an a$$, I don't want/don't know how to handle it, so I'll run to some "happy" thoughts--"happy" thoughts of x-om, who wasn't an a$$. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> What I learned though, (thank God), is that mentality is exactly what put me in the position to commit adultery in the first place. So, how to deal? How to do things differently than pre-A? First, you need to communicate with your H. Ask him what has him so upset. Ask about his day. Ask if there's anything you can do to help him feel better. If he doesn't want to talk at the moment, then leave it be. Bottom line though, is to let him know you care about him on grumpy days as well as good days. I'm not saying to ignore your own yucky feelings when he's being an a$$, because I also believe you need to communicate that to him as well. It's just that when we first address what's bugging our H's, I believe it sets a good foundation for us to be able to express our hurt in a non LBer way.

It didn't take long for my H and I, where all we had to do, was say to whomever was being the a$$, "hey, you are majorly LB'g"!!!!!! Jet, it does get better, but you need to start talking, and moreso, you need to listen. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope everyone is well today!

AutumnDay,

Sorry to threadjack, but I have a question.

After OC was born, did you offer to have other children for/with your husband?

That was a big hurt in my first matriage.

RAG~

No, I didn't. We're an "older" couple, and although we are still able to have more, it's not something either of us want.

I did however, offer to give the baby up for adoption. By the time I confessed, abortion wasn't a viable option. I did consider abortion before confessing, but something told me if my H ever found out, he would be more angry about that than the A/OC. I was right, because later when I told my H about considering abortion, he actually said, "now that is something I don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive".

I'm feeling down today. My husband is still not meeting my needs. I told him again yesterday that I need him to spend more time at home. He said okay, but what that really means is he was trying to please me at that time but he will go back to his old ways again- he always does.

I get so angry that I feel justified in what I've done and then I consider doing it again? What is wrong with me?

cmesmile,

i have been reading but have not joined in yet on this thread. i am a FWW, dday about 7months ago, i confessed.

I hear your frustration, not only towards your husband but towards yourself for wanting to continue the exact behavior that will only lead to more destruction.

my advice to you is to leave the H part of the frustration out of it right now, just go ahead and assume he will not meet your needs right now. Now, with that assumption safely in place, do you really want to cheat on him?? If your answer is No, and I am guessing that is your answer then what you can work on right now is yourself. You have needs, needs that are not being met and so you want to do something about it. What that "something" is though cannot be what you have been doing!! you need to find something else. by the way, there is nothing wrong with YOU.

are you in IC? took me a while to start and to find a person i like, but it is very helpful.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by cmesmile:
 I'm feeling down today. My husband is still not meeting my needs. I told him again yesterday that I need him to spend more time at home. He said okay, but what that really means is he was trying to please me at that time but he will go back to his old ways again- he always does.

I get so angry that I feel justified in what I've done and then I consider doing it again? What is wrong with me? <hr /></blockquote>(((cmesmile)))

There isn't anything wrong with YOU- you just need to learn a different way to handle your frustrations. Have you thought about trying a reverse plan A ?

Have a good week everyone. I'm going to be gone the next few days.

I feel better overall today but still have a feeling of dread hanging over me. I seem to be so good for a week to 10 days and then 'wham' I am so deep down in what seems almost paranoid depression.

Is this usual for a FWW or am I having a breakdown???

I find it hard to cope with the smallest things. Tonight I just sat and stared at the wall trying to work out how to get it together to prepare dinner.
It's like someone has placed a hood over my head,
I managed to do dinner but can't understand why its like this, then suddenly it begins to lift and I feel ok again.

This sucks. Am I crazy????

AW, are you on any meds? i fought them for very long time but i am on them now, it really does help. what you said, i can totally relate to. the worst part of depression is how it comes and goes, when it's gone, you feel like there is NO WAY i will ever let myself go there again but then it comes back and you have NO power to stop it. right?

meds have helped that, i'm not sure i'm on right dosage yet, but i do believe the meds are helpful.

what do you think?

Hi Girls,
I haven't posted because I don't have much encouragement to offer, just questions...

One big question, how did you end your A? I am having a terrible time with guilt, OM says I'm his life..It's not fair of him to pin his whole existence on me, but he has. The pressure is terrible...

WU

just read your other thread again.

IMHO - and please don't be too hurt by this - I believe you're enjoying the attention and neediness of the OM too much and don't want to let it go. You've enjoyed the drama and the romance of someone giving his whole life to you despite the fact that you are already taken.

Quit hurting everyone around you. Quit stringing him along. It's so unkind and thoughtless for you to continue to put yourself first with all these people.

You're a better person than this. Be and act and embrace the better person inside you and make her your outside, too.

You hold the key to three people's happiness (H,OM and yourself) and you are witholding their release from constant pain. That's just not right.

Use the key and get on with healing your marriage and yourself.

Hi there-
I'm struggling with depression as well.
I have a dr's appt next week.

I agree with what the last person just posted. For me, it's not about the sex- it's about the attention and the drama.

hi everyone,

i'm feeling strong enough to give some good support today so here i am.

cmesmile, i am very glad to hear you have a dr apt. depression is so hard to deal with because it brings, at least for me, so much shame too. so many say it shouldn't but it did for me. i think i have managed to get over that concept finally. the meds have been very helpful in keeping my emotions managable. keep posting. are you able to get into IC at all? you are in a very hard spot right now, holding on to this secret. i was in your shoes for a long time too and since my confession was not complete, i still kinda am. this board has been very helpful, KEEP POSTING!!!

AW, how are you doing? i think your decision to apologize via MIL is a very good one and talking to aussie about it all was excellent. are you feeling more sane today?

WU, i've posted a bit on your other thread, Former Wayward H's and Other Men, Please respond... . I know this is hard but you just have to step out in faith and LET GO!! be honest with OM, be honest with your H. as JL likes to say, it's simple, but NOT easy.

did i miss anyone?? who else needs encouragement? tell me quick before i fall apart again and can't be of any help to anyone, especially myself!!

Hi ladies...

Rae here and not much going on. I haven't posted in a couple of days...not much to report.

I've made an appt. with my pastor for some counseling. Tried to find a Christian counselor that takes my insurance, but was unsuccessful...none of them taking new patients, plus my insurance is crappy.

I miss my husband so much that my heart aches. I know that my actions didn't show it when I had A, but I know that I love this man and want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him, growing, learning and loving. He is the only man I've ever truly loved.

Continuing to work on myself--changing mindset, way of thinking, everything.

I can't be much of a comfort to anyone right now, but do know that my heart goes out to all you FWW's who are working on your marriages. This is never a group I wanted to be a part of...never a group I thought I'd be a part of...

I love him so much. G'night everyone.

Rae

Hi Rae,

I hope you had a restful night. I know these are really hard times. hang in there and lean on God.

Hello all...thinking of you tonight (this morning).

WU: in just a few more days NC will occur regardless of your actions. How do you feel about that?

Rae- how are you doing? I know that after some advice here you were going to pull back. Is that going ok?

Jetgirl....are things ok? Still in NC?

Hi FL & everyone

I'm doing ok right now and am taking St Johns Wort instead of AD's themselves. Don't know if its helping or not but my IC said it would take about 10 days to start being of benefit.

If not then she would prescribe some AD's but I'd like not to go that way if possible. But I'm not going to be silly about it, if I need them I'll take them.

Myself and many other wives and parents are on tenterhooks right now as the regiment is on high alert and they have a roster of 48 hour leave all ready to start, that means deployment & being who they are it will be an active one.
I have to admit I feel as if everything is closing in on me a bit and my biggest hope is the Government will decide not to go ahead with the deployment.
Well I live in hope.

You know its a strange feeling to live on one hand like everything is normal all around you, go shopping, have coffee with friends etc, even fighting for our M is a sort of normal activity if you understand what I mean and then at the same time I live in a growing fear of wartime loss. Its a reality we have to face and its no easier the second time around. Especially in Australia where its just not on most peoples mind.

People look at you like you are crazy when you freeze on hearing a bomb going off there while you H, son or brother is overseas. No one can understand that, you have to have gone through it to really understand. My Gran, old as she is, does and has always been so helpful.

It makes my betrayal so much harder to bear knowing there may not be a tomorrow anymore. I suck as the wimpy wife staying at home knitting socks and if you think that does not set off another whole set of anxieties then you have never been there thank God.

So I'm not depressed, but can't help worrying over our future, hoping we have at least the chance of one.

Sorry for venting but it feels better to say that here then to let it eat away at me.

vent away AW, we are listening. i agree better to do this here than to let it eat away at your insides!!

Hi SadFww,

Yes, I've pulled back. It's been a week since I've not spoken to my H. One more week and we are going to sit down and talk or something...I don't know exacty how we're gonna do that. I have no idea what is going on with him. I hope that he is doing better. I'm miserably lonesome for him...I miss him so much.

I'm trying to keep myself busy to keep from bursting into tears. I have no choices here, though. I just have to trust that God's will will be done. It's not easy. I like to be in control...I like to be able to know what's going on with my H...seeing if he's doing okay. etc. I like to see results right away and work to see results. But I've learned the hard way that that is not the way it's going to work here. It's hard to give it completely over to God...but His way is the best way...not mine.

In the meantime, I've been doing some things for him...laundry and stuff. Today I went to the store and got him stuff for his lunch. I also made dinners for him to last the whole week.

I have an appt. with my pastor Tuesday. I look forward to talking to him.

Again, I can't be much of an encouragement right now. The only thing I can say is that my heart goes out to everyone at MB and that I pray for the struggling marriages, including mine. How I love my H. How I pray for another chance to start over...to build, brick by brick, a firm relationship foundation.

Good night.

Rae

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by rae03:
 Hi SadFww,

Yes, I've pulled back. It's been a week since I've not spoken to my H. One more week and we are going to sit down and talk or something...I don't know exacty how we're gonna do that. I have no idea what is going on with him. I hope that he is doing better. I'm miserably lonesome for him...I miss him so much.

I'm trying to keep myself busy to keep from bursting into tears. I have no choices here, though. I just have to trust that God's will will be done. It's not easy. I like to be in control...I like to be able to know what's going on with my H...seeing if he's doing okay. etc. I like to see results right away and work to see results. But I've learned the hard way that that is not the way it's going to work here. It's hard to give it completely over to God...but His way is the best way...not mine.

In the meantime, I've been doing some things for him...laundry and stuff. Today I went to the store and got him stuff for his lunch. I also made dinners for him to last the whole week.

I have an appt. with my pastor Tuesday. I look forward to talking to him.

Again, I can't be much of an encouragement right now. The only thing I can say is that my heart goes out to everyone at MB and that I pray for the struggling marriages, including mine. How I love my H. How I pray for another chance to start over...to build, brick by brick, a firm relationship foundation.

Good night.

Rae <hr /></blockquote>Rae- you sound so desperately unhappy. I wish I had something to offer in addition to my prayers. I'm glad that you are meeting with your pastor tomorrow- hopefully he/she will be able to give you some comfort as well as advice.

Thinking of you.

Sadfww-

Prayers are good...that's about all anyone can offer me right now. Just playing the waiting game. I am unhappy b/c I miss him. I'm unhappy b/c I'm looking at the upcoming holiday season and want to spend it with him...decorating the tree, shopping, etc. Just plain unhappy.

Rae

Hi all...

Went to see my pastor yesterday. Was helpful.

H had sister call me yesterday about getting a used Exploror for him...wanted to know if we can afford it. Whereas before I'd always been adament against having 2 car payments, I no longer care about the money like I used to. I just care about him. If this'll make him a little bit happier right now, than I'm thankful to be able to have the financial means to do this for him. I see these good things out of this...
1. I'm thankful that he didn't just go out and buy a car without seeing first if we can afford it. That showed a great deal of courtesy.
2. Whereas before I'd always kind of blew him off when he brought up getting him a car, I didn't this time. I didn't give a go-ahead on getting the car b/c I feel like I must give him whatever he wants b/c of my A...like I have to do it or else...I WANT to give him what's possible to give him. That's an attitude adjustment with me right there. This was an eye-opener...it showed me that I'm changing...that I'm peeling away the unwanted, undesirable, unattractive layers of my personality. Now he may see this...but even if he doesn't, I know that there are changes within. This lifts my spirits a bit.
3. He's still willing to share the same bank acct....he could've requested to have separate accts. and just each pay 1/2 of the bills. But he didn't and I think that's good.
4. I'm discovering what love is...really is.
5. I'm able to DO something that contributes to something that'll make him happy right now. Lately, b/c of us not having anything to do with one another, though I've been working on myself, it's still a bummer that I can't deposit into his love bank. Maybe this is somewhat of a deposit.

We are supposed to meet on Sunday...we'll see how it goes.

rae

Rae- this does sound hopeful. I think that him asking if *you* (meaning "we") can afford it is a really good sign. I'm so happy that you are finding some positives right now- you've been so down that I've been concerned about you.

Is it a date planned for Sunday?

SFWW-
Heck no, not a date. I wish! No...it's just a sort of re-evaluation time...it'll be the two weeks deadline date for re-evaluation.

Thanks for your encouragement and prayers.

How are you?

rae

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by rae03:
 SFWW-
Heck no, not a date. I wish! No...it's just a sort of re-evaluation time...it'll be the two weeks deadline date for re-evaluation.

Thanks for your encouragement and prayers.

How are you?

rae <hr /></blockquote>Re-evaluation about what specifically? You living out of the house? Your relationship? sorry for all the questions.

I'm doing ok although I've been better...I have another post floating around in which I complain a lot. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SFWW-
Gee, I wish I knew the answer to that too. I don't know what we're going to re-evaluate. I guess the status of our relationship in general. Just don't know.

Will look at your post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Hang in there.

Rae

Hi again, SFWW-

I just read your post. Wow- lots of advice to sift through. I have also had bad dreams. They vary. I've had dreams about my husband. They're haunting...you wake up in a bad mood and depressed. Personally, I don't think they say anything in particular about your subconscious, as Frued might think. But I do think they can translate into generalities. I think I learned one time that you dream when you're undergoing change in your life, or stress. The bottom line is you can't stop them. I don't know that I can offer any advice...honestly...I don't know what to do about my own depresson...except pray, like Ark said. My prayers are with you.

Rae

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by rae03:
 Hi again, SFWW-

I just read your post. Wow- lots of advice to sift through. I have also had bad dreams. They vary. I've had dreams about my husband. They're haunting...you wake up in a bad mood and depressed. Personally, I don't think they say anything in particular about your subconscious, as Frued might think. But I do think they can translate into generalities. I think I learned one time that you dream when you're undergoing change in your life, or stress. The bottom line is you can't stop them. I don't know that I can offer any advice...honestly...I don't know what to do about my own depresson...except pray, like Ark said. My prayers are with you.

Rae <hr /></blockquote>Thanks Rae- I do believe in the power of prayer and appreciate them a whole lot! I grind my teeth at night too according to my dentist. Hmm....perhaps I am a bit overstressed at the moment- and that is contributing to the depression. Trying to think of ways to de-stress my life, but I'm not coming up with any good answers.

Would your H be receptive at all to talking to your pastor with you? I know you mentioned that you have a good relationship with him - and I can't help but think that a third party helping to facilitate your talk might help?

I don't think he'd be ready for that right now. I'm going to just feel him out..see how he's doing. I'm not gonna push anything...I think his sister is going to kind of play moderator at this time, so I'm just going to see what happens. I'm not going to try to suggest anything...any time I've done that, the result has been BAD.

Rae

hi sadfww...
i read on another post you are depressed lately.i'm sorry to hear that. me too. after doing nc, you would think things would brighten up...but they don't. well, maybe some. i've been putting tons of energy into m. we just had an anniv. work is hectic. relatives have birthdays...turkey day is coming.. BAM! there's the om in my head. just because we have nc means everything is peachy keen.....

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by jetgirl63:
 hi sadfww...
i read on another post you are depressed lately.i'm sorry to hear that. me too. after doing nc, you would think things would brighten up...but they don't. well, maybe some. i've been putting tons of energy into m. we just had an anniv. work is hectic. relatives have birthdays...turkey day is coming.. BAM! there's the om in my head. just because we have nc means everything is peachy keen..... <hr /></blockquote>No- but it will get better. Jet, have you confessed to your H yet? My recollection was that you had NOT. Depression can be caused by guilt.
I really think you NEED to confess to your H if you have not.