Sex after D-Day. Serious question for those now in recovery.

***I posted this in Recovery. I would love to hear your responses.

I have a serious question for those of you who are now in recovery.
"How many of you had sex with your WS after discovering the A?" (I don't mean right then). But how long until you wanted to be intimate. A week, 2 weeks, months? Or were you too disgusted, angry, or hurt (all of us!) to even think of it.
I ask this because my MC has been telling me since I began seeing him late April that I am ABNORMAL for having sex with my H after I discovered the affair. ABNORMAL! That I did it wrong.
I didn't find out about A and just jump in the sack! But we did have sex not long after D-Day and also through all of our trials up until where we are today......in a full blown recovery. Now we didn't have sex every day or anything and there has been much anger and pain and turmoil....you all know what I am talking about. I also was being treated for breast cancer at the same time. But when it happened, it was very emotional and a closeness was felt that I had not felt in a long time. My H believes that one episode on Mother's Day was the single event that penetrated his fog and made him remeber that I was the love of his life and not OW.
My MC keeps telling me during IC, that women don't do this....they are not made up that way, I am not normal, that I did it wrong, I was only afraid, big mistake, etc. Now maybe that is true and maybe not.
That is why I am turning to all of you! I know this is a personal subject, but any of you who did sleep with your WS at points after D-Day while you were trying to get them to end their A and while you were trying to recover, I really would love to hear!
I would love to go to my next appt with a report of how many people didn't respond the NORMAL (is there only one way?) way. Not "naming names", of course!
Thanks for reading! I usually post/read in the Children/Affairs section. But I read here too. You have all been very helpful and inspiring.

There is NOTHING wrong having sex with your spouse after Dday...during affair or whatsoever.

You have every right to have sex with your spouse and you can tell that to your MC. I will not go back to that MC if he or she ever tells me having SF with my spouse is WRONG.

I have had many SF with my WH while he was having an affair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

However i cannot say i feel the same now that i have gone into non contact with WH. Even IF we recover NOW i feel as if i have lost my interest in WH. You may eventually reach this point if your WS keeps on having an affair and cheating behind your back.

i believe eventually if not all that if the affair continues we will lose our interest to have SF with our WS. Perhaps for some BS they reach that point fast and for some of us just a little slower.

Hon....I've been having sex with my husband non stop....every chance I get. And my IC said to absolutely not do that either.....guess what, I want to do it......the more I get it the less she does, I mean he's 35 I'm thinking his sex drive isn't in endless supply...LMAO (Maybe it is, who knows...maybe he's got the libido of the energizer bunny....all I know is I'M GETTIN' MINE)

So tell your IC, that you're not ABNORMAL...that he can't lump ALL women into a catagory and say they don't work that way.

-Caren

I was hypersexual when I found out. I wanted it all the time.

Thanks for the responses! I have an appt. Wednesday and I would love to give him a tally of how many ABNORMAL BS there are out there.

Going out tonight.....will check in later.

aislinn-

I have been hypersexual too, been having SF every chance I get, I thought maybe it was my age and I was hitting my sexual peak....who the heck knows....but I could have SF everyday.....3 times a day if he were available...LMAO

-Caren

Yes, yes, yes!!!

Finally, something I can really comment on. Friends, family, and co-workers think I am crazy but since the very on-set of the A we've had sex. And lots of it too!! My WH thinks I get "the wrong impression", because it doesn't mean he's in love with me again or that he's willing to start saving the M.

Hard feeling to explain. I think it's a combo thing: only real "affection" I receive from him, one of the ENs I wasn't meeting before the A, and I've truly been excitable. I've learned some new things about myself, and finally understand my sexuality and what turns me on. Besides that, how many times during this CRAP does anyone feel good (dare I say great), and not having your mind filled with depressing thoughts?

I say, if you can handle it do it!!

Besides that, after I ask him to leave, I'll have to rely on toys. Real is better.

You are not a freak, but we are freaky. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

You need a new less judgmental MC IMO.

I was repulsed at first, then after a few weeks we had a couple of needful SF sessions which were suprisingly brilliant for both of us even though we weren't intimate in discussion.

Around 3 months after d-day Squid seduced me and she is lovely so I couldn't resist. She's been very needful of loving SF ever since, and I do what I can <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Now and again I have "picture problems" during SF. When this happens I tell Squid whats up and ask if we can just hug instead. It makes Squid sad but its honest and mutually validating so I can't see a better way to deal with it.

Do what works for you but make sure all your actions support your self respect.

absolutely, Bob Pure.

If you're feeling a lack of respect from your H or feeling used, then I would lay off the SF, even if you want it.

I never felt that way, though.

Count me in as so-called "abnormal" too. His A never stopped me! I became hypersexual too! And maybe "this" is abnormal, but we've been having much better sex since i found out! I dont think I left much for OW. I can make him start hootin', hollerin' and shakin'!

Hypersexuality in both men and women is common following D-day, perhaps more so in men. The only valid reason I see from MC point of view is that if Wayward spouse did not use protection there is a real palpable risk of getting STD.

MommyCBaby-

I got the same speech about my H thinking he was "leading me on" blah blah....I'm like shut up and kiss me.....I never said it was going to change anything.

He used to say "no" to my advances, but he can't really resist...and I'd whisper in his ear "Saying no is such a waste of such a sexy mouth" LMAO.....that's really all it took.

-Caren

not abnormal at all, when my ex and I were on the outs we did have sex a few times.

On DDay for H and I our sex life picked up and intensified alot. It's still that way

Caren,

That's the one thing he's withheld from me, kissing. GOD, I miss that. But, I'm a tight 35, he cannot resist me when I lay it out there. I walk around the house in tight and or sexy clothes, and every morning when I dry my hair I make sure my bra and panties are irresistable. Everyday he says it won't happen again, and every night we're bumping uglies.

I am woman, hear me roar!! I will not go out without a fight.

I was one of the 'abnormal' hypersexual ones too.

Your IC doesn't know what he is talking about.

I would be guilty of this as well...BUT in all honesty from a PERSONAL SAFETY view, having SF with a wayward spouse is like having a one night stand with any joe schmo out there. It is a very UNSAFE act. Any sex you have with your WS after his affair and BEFORE full STD testing is unsafe sex. I am not saying this is right or wrong, but just a fact. The risks of STD's including AIDS is REAL. It just doesn't happen to hookers and drug addicts. It happens to Soccer MOms', bankers, doctors, secretaries, etc....

As Stanley said :Hypersexuality in both men and women is common following D-day, perhaps more so in men. The only valid reason I see from MC point of view is that if Wayward spouse did not use protection there is a real palpable risk of getting STD""""""

THis should be food for thought at least.

And yes I know I will probably be accused of not "supporting" the recovery couples by bringing everyone in their hypersexual state down with this point. SOrry to be the party pooper once again around here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I agree about getting tested for STD's. H and I are both being treated at the moment. I can say I didn't really think @ it at the time. We were having sex during our recovery process (if you ever truly recover-it's been 9 months.) I thought STD's would show up in a regular pap smear, but they don't! When I was going through pregnancy testing, they realized I had an STD. H and I are currently being treated (thank god it was a treatable one!) Please ask your doctors to test you for STD's, if you don't ask, they won't do it. I was a little naive in the process.

Carenmc,

"Saying no is such a waste of a sexy mouth."

Good one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Hi Lbell --

i struggled with sex after D-Day. For a while I just couldn't/wouldn't. We were in counseling with Steve Harely, and he encouraged me to try meet my H's biggest needs. And this was certainly one of them. He also indicated that this the one emotional need that can (or should) be met exclusively by the spouse. If I want conversation, admiration, even affection, those are all things that CAN be met by others. But SF cannot. So, I went with the "just do it" philosophy and the first times I cried. He'd feel bad, I say it's Ok, I know we need to work through it. I had a terribel time getting the pictures out my mind. But, it's helped. Now I hardly ever have those pictures in my mind. But boy! I sure didn't want to at first. So Steve is one counselor who doesn't think it's abnomal at all, and that if you can meet that need, then do it!

Take care --
Shellybird
BS --me 45
WW-- 52
2 boys 10 and 15
D-day Sept. 2003

Well, were all different, I dont think I like this IC of yours who tells you we all have to react a certain way. You can tell him/her that Shelly doesnt care for anyone but Shelly calling her abnormal! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am so glad to be in such abnormal company! I can't wait to see my MC on Wednesday and let him know he should have more than one scenario for how you should react to D-Day.

I have been LOL and have a big smile on my face reading all of your responses! Thanks for the boost! Keep it up.

I do appreciate the concern of STD's. I know the risk is real. My H tested negative just before I fouhnd out. I had tests anyway.

I'm hoping the "honeymoon" period doesn't end!

LBelle,

Glad u are STD free at this time.

My FWS "lover" had had 6 partners in 6 months prior to my FWS. And yes, I had major SF with my H at the time of his affair. Much to the disapointment of many people I knew. (and ow). I wore FWS out, No perfornmance for ow. LOL However, it was one of my FWS top needs. Not now but then.

Anyway, I went right in to the ob/gyn and had tests, as I had an IUD. NOT a good thing unless there is monogomy.

Anyway, I dealt with that. Have to agree with Lemonman on this one. Get tested. ASAP.

And, not to hijack this post, but lemonman, are U OK?

Hugs to you LBelle. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Love in Christ,
Miss M

[ January 15, 2005, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]

Where did your MC get his license to practice from?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Don't insult his intelligence.....maybe you can give him Steve's MB phone #. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Ok - out of all of us here that had sex with our WS's -

How many did so even though their WS was already out of the house and living with the OW/OM ?

Anyone else in my boat?

Since his leaving was such a bomb drop It was just so hard not to.....

Especially since he would say I was so much better at it, cuter, etc. than the OW that he's currently living with.

I know it sounds terrible. It sounds terrible even to me as I type it out. UG!

I would call the OW sometimes and let her know what was going on but she doesn't believe me. My WH would always deny it to her. He even told me "Well of course I'm going to deny it to her."

He would say that they were just roommates and only had sex 1 time and that it was bad.
So we continued to....
But it didn't make sense if they were just roommates then why would he have to deny it to her?? She wouldn't care who he slept with if they were just roommates right?

The day I had so much evidence that they were more than roommates it couldn't be denied any longer he admitted to me that they were together as an intimate couple. As of that day the sex stopped.

Do you think that he is just that committed to her now that he doesn't even try to "be" with me any more?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
 Caren,

That's the one thing he's withheld from me, kissing. GOD, I miss that. But, I'm a tight 35, he cannot resist me when I lay it out there. I walk around the house in tight and or sexy clothes, and every morning when I dry my hair I make sure my bra and panties are irresistable. Everyday he says it won't happen again, and every night we're bumping uglies.

I am woman, hear me roar!! I will not go out without a fight. <hr /></blockquote><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> hehe I hear ya.

I do the same thing. When he comes by to pick up our baby for his visitation I conveniently have something on that's a little more flattering than the average.

This morning when he showed up it was :

LOW rise strech jeans ( size 5 - yee ha - no more preg. wt.!)

and a black push up bra with white lace (34D <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Eat your heart out buddy ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Miss M:
 And, not to hijack this post, but lemonman, are U OK?

Miss M <hr /></blockquote>Yes, I am doing well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , thank you for asking. I still lurk here, just don't post that much. I hope the new year is treating you well.

LM

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by TessW.:
 [QUOTE]Originally posted by MommyCBaby:
[qb] I do the same thing. When he comes by to pick up our baby for his visitation I conveniently have something on that's a little more flattering than the average.

This morning when he showed up it was :

LOW rise strech jeans ( size 5 - yee ha - no more preg. wt.!)

and a black push up bra with white lace (34D <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Eat your heart out buddy ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>Ya gotta love this post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That was a pretty good description Tess.....LOL. Your WH should be eating his heart out <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LM

Add me to the abnormal list too.

It was very intense for a while and then stopped and he wouldn't touch me at all for some time.
Our IC/MC says its not unusual for it to go that way.

THANX LEMONMAN <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
- Nice to hear with all that's going on

Aussie : guess we're not all that abnormal with as many of us that responded to this thread and your IC/MC saying it's a normal progression. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm still wondering though if any of you have still been intimate with your WS even though they were living with the OW / OM ?

Am I the only one ??

We had SF on Dday, and a lot right after. I think I was trying to 're-claim' him for my own. Re the STD issue: My FWH did not use protection w/the OW. I asked him right out. And I was outraged. How could he put me at risk like that? Well, she told him she wasn't sleeping w/anyone else. Hello!? She was M, having sex w/her H. This was NOT her first EMR. So, I took myself to the GYN, got tested, asked specifically for every test, HIV, syphillis, gonorrhea, chlamydia. Now there's a nice memory. This is the same GYN who delivered our kids. Fortunately, all tests were negative. I also had him get tested.

I think whatever you do is 'normal'. What is 'normal' about any of this? Did any of us ever think we were ever going to b reading SAA?

-------------------------------
me-50 FWH-44 M-20 yrs

Had almost immediate and very intense SF afer DDay. That was four years ago - almost five now! Our sex life remains awesome - not as intense as those early days - but man....pretty darn great.

Man, I would LOVE to be "abnormal"! I don't think I would be capable of having sex with WW during the A, but now that the OM is out of the picture and has been since 4-03, I certainly could and would in a heart beat!! I have even told her that regardless of anything else we are still married and it would not be immoral or anything, just fun <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CJ

I'm another "Abnormal" woman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

We had sex just a few days after d-d and it was very intense!
Our sexlife is still awesome and it's been 4 years since d-d now.

Has your therapist experienced an affair herself?? If not and if she isn't a BS, she doesn't have a clue what she is talking about.
I would of said the same thing before I experienced it myself. I would of said that
I "couldn't/wouldn't of even thought about sex!

But boy is that different when you experience it yourself.

Even if it doesn't happen all the time, I'd say from what I have read here in MBers that a great deal of BS do tend to desire sex after d-d.

bb

Intruder800 - I'm with you there on the it's ok since we're still married and not immorral.

I refuse to even think about even a simple dinner date as long as the divorce is not final (2 1/2 months left). That's just not me. I'm faithful to the core and don't intend to change now.

I guess other than the fact I still love the jerk that that's why I'm still interested in being with him. (Even though it kills me he's living with her and to him it's "just sex.")

I will not be with him w/out protection. That's just stupid. Even though it sort of kills the sensation for the guy it's his own fault.

Sorry is this TMI ?
Well, we all know it's true right?

I'm wondering if I'm cheapening myself though because he is already living with this OW. I mean some of you are still living with your WS so it seems normal, but me? I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a fool.

shellybird had a good point about the mental picture. That could get in the way even if I didn't want it to. I mean, those mental "pictures" hurt SO deep, they cause me SO much pain and anger I have at times felt homicidal and suicidal. Try to "maintain" with those feeling in your head <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

[ January 15, 2005, 03:34 PM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]

It is nice to be abnormal!

I had SF 24 hours after D-day.

Guess what? Even though my wife was WW she also became hyper-sexual and wanted SF minutes after discovery. I felt repulsion at that time---- very intense repulsion. However 24 hours later had developed a severe case of sperm competition complicated by performance anxiety due to movies and flashes during SF.

It was very strange to have SF while being so angry about the A. For a guy is nothing but sperm competition. Not sure how women describe it, but there was a natural drive to have SF.

Talk about your "Hot topic!" this one is getting a ton of response <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

TessW. -- <blockquote>quote:<hr />I refuse to even think about even a simple dinner date as long as the divorce is not final (2 1/2 months left). That's just not me. I'm faithful to the core and don't intend to change now.
<hr /></blockquote>Ditto here, but after going into my second year, well, it's makin me crazy!!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I'm wondering if I'm cheapening myself though because he is already living with this OW. I mean some of you are still living with your WS so it seems normal, but me? I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a fool. <hr /></blockquote>What's "normal"? I said in one of my posts in this thread that I wouldn't during the affair. But, I guarantee you if she came on to me during the A, well, forget it. Protection and go for it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I miss her SO bad. I shouldn't even be in this thread, all you folks gettin your SF are making me very jealous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Intruder800:
 shellybird had a good point about the mental picture. That could get in the way even if I didn't want it to. I mean, those mental "pictures" hurt SO deep, they cause me SO much pain and anger I have at times felt homocidal and suicidal. Try to "maintain" with those feeling in your head <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <hr /></blockquote>I can't remember who it was but someone on the MB suggested picturing a big red stop sign when those images come into your head.

I tried it because I was falling apart picturing my husband having sex with the sleazecow he's living with. You know what? It actually works!

Please try it.

Tess-- I certainly will. Those thoughts (even after 14-15 months) launch some of the most intense emotions I have ever felt in my life, by far.

Thanks Tess

[ January 15, 2005, 03:41 PM: Message edited by: Intruder800 ]

[/QUOTE] all you folks gettin your SF are making me very jealous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> [/QB][/QUOTE]

Sorry ! For what it's worth it's been several weeks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(I'm feeling very vulnerable posting such personal info. but figured everyone else is so what do I have to lose?)

We got along when he dropped off my son this afternoon and he started to rush out. So I said "You have to RUSH back to the old lady?"

He replies "I have to get the suv back to it's owner." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I can tell my "outfit' had an effect because of his reply and the fact that he said "We'll see." to a toy/SF comment I had made.

Who does he think he is with his "We'll see ...." ?

He could do much worse.

AND IS!

Seriously.

His g/f is Cheryl. You can see her at www.fledfive.com. Go to gallery and click on friends.
Then click on the DAN photo. My husband is the one in the multi-colored shirt and his homely girlfriend is the one hanging on his shoulders.

Also look at the pic titled Marcy & Cheryl.

BLECH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'm normally not mean but the woman is sleeping with my husband.

And look at the rock on her finger in that pic!

I really hope I don't get stuck paying for half of that stinkin' thing with the whole no-fault divorce marital debt thing....

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Intruder800:
 Tess-- I certainly will. Those thoughts (even after 14-15 months) launch some of the most intense emotions I have ever felt in my life, by far.

Thanks Tess <hr /></blockquote>You're Welcome! I hope it helps!

You can tell I have a little hotbutton where the OW is concerned from my above post.

I am just so angry sometimes ....

You know this thread should be linked over to the divorce forum too.

I bet there may be a few responses from over there.