Received an email from OW... what do I do? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Just a recap about my situation... my WH is having an EA with his exGF. It has been going on for some time now... I'd say at least since last Sept. I have exposed to my WH and some of his family but I have not talked to her. She knows I check my WH's cell phone records and my WH probably tells her about our conversations. She knows I think she is a problem.

So here's what she writes....

If you want to talk feel free to email me.
xxxx

Then she left her email address. That's all. So what am I going to say to her? This is what I think i'll write for now....

Did my WH give you my email address? Does he know you are emailing me?

I'd like to tell her off but I won't. I feel I am better off with that for now since I have no clue why she would be emailing me... well, other than the fact that I always bring her up during my discussions with my WH. Maybe the OW confides with my WH about her life and doesn't know my WH has feelings for her. (My WH has always had feelings for her, even a year after she broke it off)

Should I email her this message or should I avoid her email all together? Please advise.

[ February 23, 2005, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: much mahal ]

Maybe she has sent this general e-mail out to a bunch of BS' and is expecting one of them to respond. LOL!!!

You are an MBer and will not give her the pleasure of your response, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She is trying to bait you. Give the info to your H and let him know that the OW is now bothering you. Then ask why? Let him sweat in the hot seat for a while.

More than likely the OW wants to anger you so that he will come running back to her. The OW in our case did just that. At first it used to anger me that she would use me as such. Later I was more angry at the WS for putting me in the middle of their fights. When their fights/disagreements escalated enough, the OW would either call or e-mail me. Sometimes she'd call and play one of their calls she recorded. What a nut.

That is how I identified my boundary as NOT have any OP in my life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

When I received contact, he received contact and it would happen until he made it stop.

re: 'es not my job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Could it be your dh, seeing what you would say to her?

This is a dilema. What to do??? She is probably just going to lie and blow smoke up your a$$. They've probably gotten the stroy straight between them and she is trying to "smooth things over for her MM" b/c his wicked wife doesn't "appreciate and understand him".

She might say something to make your blood boil, like, "My relationship with your H is something personal between me and him. If you have questions, ask your H. I'm not going to discuss my relationship with (insert your H's name here) with you!" As if you're the psycho intruder - the 5th wheel.

How much do you know about their affair? Do you think they've had sex? Has your WH ever revealed anything about her that she, as a woman, would not want him to tell you. For instance, my H told me that the OW had horrible, disgusting stretch marks on her stomach and that she was very defensive and embarrassed about them. My reply to an e-mail like that from her would be, "I have just one question for you. My H told me that he was so disgusted by your hideous stretch marks that he couldn't keep his erection. Is that true?". I know if she read that she would start singing like a canary. She'd be so pissed at him, the gloves would come off and I'd learn some things I might never otherwise know. Ofcourse, the risk there is (1) she could lie and make up some terribly hurtful things, and/or (2) she could tell me some truth that I might never get over and succeed in destroying my marriage, or (3) I'd get a little of both - hurtful truth and damaging lies.

-SNS

I am telling you out of my own experience, DO NOT answer.

I did at one point had contact with OW by email and I am very sorry I did. Please, keep her out of your life. Do not let her in.

She wants you to respond do not give her the satisfaction, ignor it and block any future e-mails so that you do not get them in the future. The not knowing why you did not respond will get to her...

Don't respond to her. I responded to my WH's wh**e and it just validated that she was a factor in my life. Igonre her, they hate that.

Blow off the e-mail from the OW. Don't respond and give her the chance to interact in your life. It will REALLY bother her to get no response.

Smile whenever you think about how many times she is checking her e-mail looking for your response. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So I shouldn't reply to her email at all, huh?! Not even to ask why she would be emailing me?

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Could it be your dh, seeing what you would say to her? <hr /></blockquote>neverenough, I wonder... but when I told him I would call her he said she wouldn't want to talk to me. So i'm not sure this would be the case. It seems she had to think about emailing me because she did so in the evening when the last time she would have spoken to my WH would be around 4pm, right before my WH left work.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> How much do you know about their affair? Do you think they've had sex? Has your WH ever revealed anything about her that she, as a woman, would not want him to tell you. <hr /></blockquote>SNS, they haven't had SF. The OW's family moved to another state after they dated so she wouldn't have any reason to come back... at least while she is still in college. The only thing I know about the EA is that my WH confides in her about our R and how our M was a mistake. I know my WH still has feelings for her but I'm not sure if that is the case with the OW - she may not know he does. My WH said that she was the one that mentioned MCing.

I am so curious. What if I just ask why she is emailing me and if my WH knows she is doing so? When she replies I will not reply back. I'll drive myself crazy questioning as to why she emailed. Based on the recorded conversations, my WH is the one talking badly about me... I'm not sure what she says on the other end, I can't tell if she is pursuing my WH. If she is the one who mentioned MCing, she may be sincere about our situation and only wants my WH to be happy. Who knows...this could all be my WH pursuing the OW.

[ February 24, 2005, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: much mahal ]

mahal, write her back and ask "what did you need?"

If she is trying to set herself up as your self appointed marriage counselor [which I suspect] tell her that your marriage is none of her business and that if she is really concerned about your family, she will end contact with your H. A marriage only has room for 2 people, not 3.

I would also talk to your H and ask him why she is contacting you. Let him know that you consider this harrassment. Does he know that you know he is having an EA?

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> If she is trying to set herself up as your self appointed marriage counselor [which I suspect] <hr /></blockquote>MelodyLane, I wouldn't be surprised... but I don't know how she can do this when she can't even keep a R herself, lol.

If I reply.. she replies back and I leave it at that, will it bother her if I don't reply back again? I want it to bother her but I'd also like to know why she is emailing me. Then I can tell my WH her reason for emailing me.

MM,

You are being drawn in to the game.

Best bet in my opinion is not to allow that door to be cracked.

Let's look at what you know.

Your H and this woman have an inappropriate relationship. Of their choosing.

So..what? You think she will really just walk away if you ask nicely?

Let's not be naive. Even if she has convinced herself that her motives are altruistic, we know better.

Do not underestimate the desire for those who are doing wrong..and know it..to attempt to normalize the situation by whatever means necessary.

Don't answer the email..this woman is not your friend. Would you let a thief in the house in hopes that he could be talked out of his plan to steal from you?

Noodle

DO NOT RESPOND...

I made that mistake with my H`s xGF EA woman...she had been a friend of mine too.

I think it`s a safe bet that the OW has one of these two motives....

The first would be to stir up crap so she can step in....

Or her motive is to inform/teach YOU how to be a better wifey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

No matter which motive she has you are going to be royally ticked off by whatever exchange takes place.

This woman has no place in your M. Do not open the door for her to have access to you. You should be working on NC and you can`t very well ask that of your H if YOU are talking to her.

Concentrate on your H and your M and leave her out of it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by much mahal:
 <blockquote>quote:<hr /> If she is trying to set herself up as your self appointed marriage counselor [which I suspect] <hr /></blockquote>MelodyLane, I wouldn't be surprised... but I don't know how she can do this when she can't even keep a R herself, lol.

If I reply.. she replies back and I leave it at that, will it bother her if I don't reply back again? I want it to bother her but I'd also like to know why she is emailing me. Then I can tell my WH her reason for emailing me. <hr /></blockquote>mahal, I just think it would be helpful to know what she wants. I am troubled by her gall in contacting you. I agree with the others that you should not get drawn into a conversation with her, [she is beneath you] but I think it might be helpful to know where her head is at so you can know how to proceed. And, again, I would ask your H why she feels free to harrass you.

Does he know that you know about his EA and his conversations?

ML,

I do agree, that it would be helpfull to know where OWs head was at [although I could make an informed guess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ]..but it is MMs reaction that concerns me.

MM, if you really think that you can detach yourself..and approach this purely from an investigative standpoint..you may be able to use this to your benefit as ML says..

I worry though..that what I have SEEN thus far from you, is confusion, indecision, and yes..a little naivete.

I have an idea.

If you really wanted to answer her..perhaps ML and some others removed from the sitch could help you. Do you think you could refrain from response to her until you had worked it out here?

Noodle

MM, what noodle says is absolutely IMPERATIVE! If she responds to you, then DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, respond to her until you have posted it here and let us look at it.

Let us protect you from any chain yanking.

Good point, noodle.

MM, if you decide to reply to her email [the current one] ask an open ended question like:

What exactly did you need?

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by MelodyLane:
 [mahal, I just think it would be helpful to know what she wants. I am troubled by her gall in contacting you. I agree with the others that you should not get drawn into a conversation with her, [she is beneath you] but I think it might be helpful to know where her head is at so you can know how to proceed. And, again, I would ask your H why she feels free to harrass you.
<hr /></blockquote>AAAAAHHHH........I don`t know about this. I do agree you should discuss this with your H....ask why he thinks she`s contacting you...but don`t ask her.

I think we are all in agreement here that no matter what her motives are she is up to NO GOOD.

If you answer her in anyway shape or form...you are bringing her into the M more than she already is.

YOU have to make it clear that YOU do not accept her meddling. And the only way to do that is to ignore her.

She is insignificant to you and you don`t give a hoot what she thinks or what she has to say.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> â€¦if you really think that you can detach yourself.. and approach this purely from an investigative standpoint..you may be able to use this to your benefit as ML says.. <hr /></blockquote>This is definitely one reason Iâ€™d like to reply. I really donâ€™t know her involvement with my WH. Based on their conversations, I can only tell that my WH is confiding in her. I do not know what she is saying. I know there is no lovey-dovey talk but one of my WHs ENs is conversation. If I ask what she wants maybe she can provide me with evidence that she wants more from him than just someone to talk to. I do not want to be her friend and I do not want her to give me any advice. She cannot say I am being a bad wife because I am not. I have been plan Aing well and I know I am a great wife and mother. Heâ€™s the one saying he doesnâ€™t want to work on our M but says heâ€™s been trying.
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> If you really wanted to answer her..perhaps ML and some others removed from the sitch could help you. Do you think you could refrain from response to her until you had worked it out here? <hr /></blockquote>Are you saying once I reply with my one question to do what ML mentionsâ€¦??
<blockquote>quote:<hr /> MM, what noodle says is absolutely IMPERATIVE! If she responds to you, then DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, respond to her until you have posted it here and let us look at it. <hr /></blockquote>I can do this. I only want to know her intentions for emailing me in the first place. I have no intention of replying back.

How I wish my WH's OW would send me her email. LOL!
Just be careful....watch out what you put in writing.

Naaaaaaa.

But post her address here and let us mail her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Does he know that you know about his EA and his conversations? <hr /></blockquote>ML, he says he is not having any type of affair but then again you cannot educate someone who is in the fog. I told him I knew about his conversations. I told him is is not appropriate for him to talk to the OW about the problems in our M especially if you have not discussed them with me. However, he insists that we've discussed them.

Hey...I could psot my WH's email and everybody could email him...hehehehehe!!!!!!

Haha TreeReich and worthatry... I was wondering how she got my email but I think I know. I don't think its from my WH but my MIL emailed both my WH and I one of those emails they want you to forward to other people (the email was about what type of tree you are depending on your birthday), my WH then responsed and forwarded the email to the OW.

Coincidently my MIL emailed that to us yesterday and the OW decided to email me last night. Maybe its not coincidence?!?!

Does she really know she e-mailsd you or did she send out a general e-mail to the group that your MIL e-mailed?

Did your MIL get an e-mail also? If so what did her's say?

I would check 1st. WS/OP games are not fun.

L.

Orchid, the email was just to me. She knew she was emailing me because it was addressed to me. I checked my WH's email account and noticed that email was first addressed to everyone my WH and I knew but then the same email was forwarded to only the OW.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by much mahal:
 [QUOTE] I told him is is not appropriate for him to talk to the OW about the problems in our M especially if you have not discussed them with me. However, he insists that we've discussed them. <hr /></blockquote>MM, can you bring me up to speed? I agree with you that its inapppropriate for him to talk about your marital problems to anyone under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, but what has happened that leads you to believe this is an affair? Does he know your feelings and understand your misgivings?

Is OW Married?

Drucilla, the OW is not married.

ML, my WH is having an EA. I didn't realize this until this past xmas but they have been talking since Aug. I checked his cell phone records and emails. When I confronted my WH about this he told me to get over it, they are just friends. From then, they would only talk and email each other when he is at work. Since I wasn't able to find out more I stopped looking at his records. Well during xmas she called 3 times in one day and I began to think there was more. I posted my situation and everyone said they were having an EA.

I recorded one of his conversations with her after having a discussion with him. He was putting me down, saying things that he never talked to me about and just talking about me in general. My WH was home for 2 weeks taking care of our DD. I check his cell phone records then... they talked everyday and for a couple of hrs a day. He would call and she would call.
He would text msg saying he's having a bad day and to call when she's awake.

The OW is my H's xGF from before/when we were dating. I say "when" because she showed 6 months after they dated, while my WH and I were dating and they got back together. She let him go a week later and didn't talk to my WH until after we got married.

Does that help?

So should I email her?

Here's what I'll say...

OW, Why are you emailing me... does my WH know you emailed me?

Would this be ok or should I leave it alone.

Why won't he end contact with her? Have you asked him? What does he say?

Nope, that's too desperate sounding.

I'd go with Mls "what can I help you with". Put yourself in the position of power.

Noodle

PS..Remember..this is supposed to be a fishing expedition..not a confrontation.

[ February 24, 2005, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]

ML, to him they are "Just Friends" He doesn't think there is a need to end contact although he admits he still has feelings for her. He wants to end his R with me instead. He she has issues of her own that I'm not privy to, so here's there to listen.

Noodle, I does sound like I am confronting her. But her email stated "If you want to talk feel free to email me"

Will I get what I'm looking for when i say "what can I help you with?"

Perhaps, "What would you like to talk about?"

What do you think, Mel?

The thing is..be aloof..you want info..not to ask/beg her to go away.

Don't tell her anyhting personal..don't open yourself up..don't be vulnerable.

She is an enemy..treat her as such.

Imagine you are a detective.

Noodle

Commicating with her constitutes enabling the A (aka: friendship). One that your H is willing to throw away his M for.

Think about it. Then you will see the futility in the call.

She is a woman, an alienlike creature parading in a human (probably once sane) body. Her need to steal your identity is crucial to her existance.

Communicating with her on any level (even if it is to satisfy your couriosity is feeding her creature (aka: A).

Sound icky? It is. Stay away from any contact before you get sucked into that web that is destroying your R.

JMHO,
L.

"What can I do for you?"

Ahhh.... reply or not to reply. I can see why I shouldn't reply because I can get caught up with the WS/OP games. However, my reason to email would be, as Noodle mentioned, for investigative purposes. I barely have proof of an EA. Telling my WH to end contact with someone he is friends with will not work. Couldn't this be an execption to the do not contact OP rule?!

Noodle & MelodyLane, I've had several responses saying I shouldn't respond... what do you think?

MM,

Personally, I would not respond.

However, if you MUST..then respond after much thought and insight from those removed.

I think it is *possible* to get a feel for how deep she is in this...but it won't be something she reveals intentionally.

It's risky. You might get sucked in. She's dangling a hook little fish..will you bite?

Noodle

[edited to add..There are just three little words I want to hear from her anyway..can you guess what they are?]

[ February 24, 2005, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: noodle ]

<wicked Noodle>

No Please Stop

<end wicked Noodle>

Hee Hee Hee <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I wouldn't respond either.
I think the visual of 'getting sucked in' is very accurate!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I barely have proof of an EA. Telling my WH to end contact with someone he is friends with will not work. Couldn't this be an execption to the do not contact OP rule?!<hr /></blockquote>Why would it be an exception? It is an emotional affair that is causing problems in your marriage. OF COURSE you should ask him to end his very inappropriate relationship with his girlfriend. It is very disrespectful to you.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Noodle & MelodyLane, I've had several responses saying I shouldn't respond... what do you think? [<hr /></blockquote>I don't know why you wouldn't. Really. Sure you might hear something you don't like to hear, but that won't kill you. You won't die from it. As long as you can control yourself and not get engaged in a battle with her, I would do it. I would want to know what is on her mind and that is why I would draw her out and try to get her to tell me what is on her mind. But once I got that far, I would back off.

Have you told your H that she has contacted you?

Maybe she's just a friend to him.
If she isn't, you won't know total truth anyway; you'll hear a part of it, will want more of it, and go deeper and deeper into your own pain...

You should not answer her and show she has any importance in your life.

And she really dosn't have.
She shouldn't worry you, but:

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by much mahal:
Telling my WH to end contact with someone he is friends with will not work.<hr /></blockquote>That's what I'd worry about and focus on...

[ February 24, 2005, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]

U seemed determined to find people who will tell you to respond to this idiot OP.

Ok, if you must try this one:

'Which one are you and what do you want?'

BTW, I did that with the OP in my case. She got furious. We all knew she wasn't # 1 (that's me - LOL!!). She was farther down the line and I kind of wondered out loud in the e-mail response (see she wrote to me under the disguise that she wanted to help me - ha). I have her a choice, she was either 5 or 15. LOL!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> She couldn't retort since she didn't have all the facts. Well neither did I but I knew my numbers were closer than the one she thought she was. LOL!!! So much for being the 'chosen one.' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

So if you must bring pain on yourself, at least stick one into the OW's craw. Other things have already been there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

Well it took A LOT of convincing but I guess I will not do it. I will bring it up with my WH and I'll let you know what he says. I'm sure he doesn't know she emailed me.

I appreciate everyone's response... too bad it took that many don't do it reponses until I convinced myself.

edited to add: I just wanted to make sure I couldn't find out more. She may only be a friend and I didn't want to accuse her of more if its my WH that is wanting more from her.

[ February 25, 2005, 08:31 AM: Message edited by: much mahal ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Orchid:
 U seemed determined to find people who will tell you to respond to this idiot OP.

Ok, if you must try this one:

'Which one are you and what do you want?'

L. <hr /></blockquote>THAT IS CLASSIC!!!!!! Thank you Orchid for my laugh of the day!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />