Just a recap about my situation... my WH is having an EA with his exGF. It has been going on for some time now... I'd say at least since last Sept. I have exposed to my WH and some of his family but I have not talked to her. She knows I check my WH's cell phone records and my WH probably tells her about our conversations. She knows I think she is a problem.

So here's what she writes....

If you want to talk feel free to email me.
xxxx

Then she left her email address. That's all. So what am I going to say to her? This is what I think i'll write for now....

Did my WH give you my email address? Does he know you are emailing me?

I'd like to tell her off but I won't. I feel I am better off with that for now since I have no clue why she would be emailing me... well, other than the fact that I always bring her up during my discussions with my WH. Maybe the OW confides with my WH about her life and doesn't know my WH has feelings for her. (My WH has always had feelings for her, even a year after she broke it off)

Should I email her this message or should I avoid her email all together? Please advise.

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 08:46 PM: Message edited by: much mahal ]</small>

Maybe she has sent this general e-mail out to a bunch of BS' and is expecting one of them to respond. LOL!!!

You are an MBer and will not give her the pleasure of your response, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She is trying to bait you. Give the info to your H and let him know that the OW is now bothering you. Then ask why? Let him sweat in the hot seat for a while.

More than likely the OW wants to anger you so that he will come running back to her. The OW in our case did just that. At first it used to anger me that she would use me as such. Later I was more angry at the WS for putting me in the middle of their fights. When their fights/disagreements escalated enough, the OW would either call or e-mail me. Sometimes she'd call and play one of their calls she recorded. What a nut.

That is how I identified my boundary as NOT have any OP in my life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

When I received contact, he received contact and it would happen until he made it stop.

re: 'es not my job. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

Could it be your dh, seeing what you would say to her?

This is a dilema. What to do??? She is probably just going to lie and blow smoke up your a$$. They've probably gotten the stroy straight between them and she is trying to "smooth things over for her MM" b/c his wicked wife doesn't "appreciate and understand him".

She might say something to make your blood boil, like, "My relationship with your H is something personal between me and him. If you have questions, ask your H. I'm not going to discuss my relationship with (insert your H's name here) with you!" As if you're the psycho intruder - the 5th wheel.

How much do you know about their affair? Do you think they've had sex? Has your WH ever revealed anything about her that she, as a woman, would not want him to tell you. For instance, my H told me that the OW had horrible, disgusting stretch marks on her stomach and that she was very defensive and embarrassed about them. My reply to an e-mail like that from her would be, "I have just one question for you. My H told me that he was so disgusted by your hideous stretch marks that he couldn't keep his erection. Is that true?". I know if she read that she would start singing like a canary. She'd be so pissed at him, the gloves would come off and I'd learn some things I might never otherwise know. Ofcourse, the risk there is (1) she could lie and make up some terribly hurtful things, and/or (2) she could tell me some truth that I might never get over and succeed in destroying my marriage, or (3) I'd get a little of both - hurtful truth and damaging lies.

-SNS

I am telling you out of my own experience, DO NOT answer.

I did at one point had contact with OW by email and I am very sorry I did. Please, keep her out of your life. Do not let her in.

She wants you to respond do not give her the satisfaction, ignor it and block any future e-mails so that you do not get them in the future. The not knowing why you did not respond will get to her...

Don't respond to her. I responded to my WH's wh**e and it just validated that she was a factor in my life. Igonre her, they hate that.

Blow off the e-mail from the OW. Don't respond and give her the chance to interact in your life. It will REALLY bother her to get no response.

Smile whenever you think about how many times she is checking her e-mail looking for your response. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

So I shouldn't reply to her email at all, huh?! Not even to ask why she would be emailing me?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Could it be your dh, seeing what you would say to her? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">neverenough, I wonder... but when I told him I would call her he said she wouldn't want to talk to me. So i'm not sure this would be the case. It seems she had to think about emailing me because she did so in the evening when the last time she would have spoken to my WH would be around 4pm, right before my WH left work.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How much do you know about their affair? Do you think they've had sex? Has your WH ever revealed anything about her that she, as a woman, would not want him to tell you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SNS, they haven't had SF. The OW's family moved to another state after they dated so she wouldn't have any reason to come back... at least while she is still in college. The only thing I know about the EA is that my WH confides in her about our R and how our M was a mistake. I know my WH still has feelings for her but I'm not sure if that is the case with the OW - she may not know he does. My WH said that she was the one that mentioned MCing.

I am so curious. What if I just ask why she is emailing me and if my WH knows she is doing so? When she replies I will not reply back. I'll drive myself crazy questioning as to why she emailed. Based on the recorded conversations, my WH is the one talking badly about me... I'm not sure what she says on the other end, I can't tell if she is pursuing my WH. If she is the one who mentioned MCing, she may be sincere about our situation and only wants my WH to be happy. Who knows...this could all be my WH pursuing the OW.

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 07:30 AM: Message edited by: much mahal ]</small>

mahal, write her back and ask "what did you need?"

If she is trying to set herself up as your self appointed marriage counselor [which I suspect] tell her that your marriage is none of her business and that if she is really concerned about your family, she will end contact with your H. A marriage only has room for 2 people, not 3.

I would also talk to your H and ask him why she is contacting you. Let him know that you consider this harrassment. Does he know that you know he is having an EA?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If she is trying to set herself up as your self appointed marriage counselor [which I suspect] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MelodyLane, I wouldn't be surprised... but I don't know how she can do this when she can't even keep a R herself, lol.

If I reply.. she replies back and I leave it at that, will it bother her if I don't reply back again? I want it to bother her but I'd also like to know why she is emailing me. Then I can tell my WH her reason for emailing me.

MM,

You are being drawn in to the game.

Best bet in my opinion is not to allow that door to be cracked.

Let's look at what you know.

Your H and this woman have an inappropriate relationship. Of their choosing.

So..what? You think she will really just walk away if you ask nicely?

Let's not be naive. Even if she has convinced herself that her motives are altruistic, we know better.

Do not underestimate the desire for those who are doing wrong..and know it..to attempt to normalize the situation by whatever means necessary.

Don't answer the email..this woman is not your friend. Would you let a thief in the house in hopes that he could be talked out of his plan to steal from you?

Noodle

DO NOT RESPOND...

I made that mistake with my H`s xGF EA woman...she had been a friend of mine too.

I think it`s a safe bet that the OW has one of these two motives....

The first would be to stir up crap so she can step in....

Or her motive is to inform/teach YOU how to be a better wifey <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

No matter which motive she has you are going to be royally ticked off by whatever exchange takes place.

This woman has no place in your M. Do not open the door for her to have access to you. You should be working on NC and you can`t very well ask that of your H if YOU are talking to her.

Concentrate on your H and your M and leave her out of it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by much mahal:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If she is trying to set herself up as your self appointed marriage counselor [which I suspect] </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MelodyLane, I wouldn't be surprised... but I don't know how she can do this when she can't even keep a R herself, lol.

If I reply.. she replies back and I leave it at that, will it bother her if I don't reply back again? I want it to bother her but I'd also like to know why she is emailing me. Then I can tell my WH her reason for emailing me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">mahal, I just think it would be helpful to know what she wants. I am troubled by her gall in contacting you. I agree with the others that you should not get drawn into a conversation with her, [she is beneath you] but I think it might be helpful to know where her head is at so you can know how to proceed. And, again, I would ask your H why she feels free to harrass you.

Does he know that you know about his EA and his conversations?

ML,

I do agree, that it would be helpfull to know where OWs head was at [although I could make an informed guess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ]..but it is MMs reaction that concerns me.

MM, if you really think that you can detach yourself..and approach this purely from an investigative standpoint..you may be able to use this to your benefit as ML says..

I worry though..that what I have SEEN thus far from you, is confusion, indecision, and yes..a little naivete.

I have an idea.

If you really wanted to answer her..perhaps ML and some others removed from the sitch could help you. Do you think you could refrain from response to her until you had worked it out here?

Noodle

MM, what noodle says is absolutely IMPERATIVE! If she responds to you, then DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, respond to her until you have posted it here and let us look at it.

Let us protect you from any chain yanking.

Good point, noodle.

MM, if you decide to reply to her email [the current one] ask an open ended question like:

What exactly did you need?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> [mahal, I just think it would be helpful to know what she wants. I am troubled by her gall in contacting you. I agree with the others that you should not get drawn into a conversation with her, [she is beneath you] but I think it might be helpful to know where her head is at so you can know how to proceed. And, again, I would ask your H why she feels free to harrass you.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AAAAAHHHH........I don`t know about this. I do agree you should discuss this with your H....ask why he thinks she`s contacting you...but don`t ask her.

I think we are all in agreement here that no matter what her motives are she is up to NO GOOD.

If you answer her in anyway shape or form...you are bringing her into the M more than she already is.

YOU have to make it clear that YOU do not accept her meddling. And the only way to do that is to ignore her.

She is insignificant to you and you don`t give a hoot what she thinks or what she has to say.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> …if you really think that you can detach yourself.. and approach this purely from an investigative standpoint..you may be able to use this to your benefit as ML says.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is definitely one reason I’d like to reply. I really don’t know her involvement with my WH. Based on their conversations, I can only tell that my WH is confiding in her. I do not know what she is saying. I know there is no lovey-dovey talk but one of my WHs ENs is conversation. If I ask what she wants maybe she can provide me with evidence that she wants more from him than just someone to talk to. I do not want to be her friend and I do not want her to give me any advice. She cannot say I am being a bad wife because I am not. I have been plan Aing well and I know I am a great wife and mother. He’s the one saying he doesn’t want to work on our M but says he’s been trying.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you really wanted to answer her..perhaps ML and some others removed from the sitch could help you. Do you think you could refrain from response to her until you had worked it out here? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are you saying once I reply with my one question to do what ML mentions…??
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MM, what noodle says is absolutely IMPERATIVE! If she responds to you, then DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, respond to her until you have posted it here and let us look at it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can do this. I only want to know her intentions for emailing me in the first place. I have no intention of replying back.

How I wish my WH's OW would send me her email. LOL!
Just be careful....watch out what you put in writing.