Do you ever feel . . . - Marriage Builders® Forums

that something fundamental to your well-being broke during/after the affair? I sometimes feel like a stick that was violently snapped, I've tried to glue and bind myself back together, but I still feel broken.

I know that I caused all this, but that knowledge really doesn't help much. I don't think it is just guilt, but I'm sure that that is part of it. It is more of just the loss of the ability of finding much joy in existence. Days come days go, so what? I feel like life as become as described in Ecclesiastes, it is all just chasing after the wind.

Maybe I just need spring to get here. . . . I need to see the sun again.

[ March 16, 2005, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]

Boy, did you hit the nail right on the head. I feel so much different then who i used to be, I wonder if ill ever be the same again.

Who knows, maybe with a little work we can recover and become better, somehow? At least thats the hope i cling to.

CN,

I feel we have been broken, we are now mended, but scarred. We are in Recovery, we have rebuilt our M, we are in a very good place. However, the dark cloud is still over our heads, not everyday, but it is still there. Something was lost, broken, shattered, destroyed, any of those terms fit, I don't feel it can ever be replaced.

We have a better marriage today than we ever have, yet the scar is there. We as two separate people are scarred also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

KY

CN I absolutely agree with you.

My mainspring snapped on d-day. I never run fully wound-up now.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Affairs are SH*T. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

YES!

Interestingly enough ecclesiastes is precisely what I was thinking of when I noticed it.

Not so much a removal of joy..I still feel joy..but in a two dimensional sort of way.

Life has meaning, but no depth, no texture..even marital happiness is reduced to nothing more than masturbating your emotional needs adequately.

Fleeting and unimportant. Not with a bang but a shrug.

Sure do hope this is temporary.

Noodle

Physically I am in better shape then I have been in my whole life. Mentally I have been beaten down.

I am reprogramming myself and repairing the damage done by this A. I know for a fact I will come out of this a better person.

And the hindsight sucks pretty bad too. The what-ifs, the if-onlys. I still have a lot of self a$$ kicking days, but all I'm really doing on those days is allowing myself to wallow in self pity. That's not good for me or anyone around me.

Oh that I could turn back time, but have the knowledge I have today. Yet, who am I kidding? Damnit...I had the knowledge then didn't I? I mean come on, I knew it was wrong, I knew the results couldn't be anything but bad for my H and even myself and still I did it.

My M is better today than it ever was. Still, I hate knowing I won't be able to look my H in the eye on our 50th wedding anniversary, and know I was faithful to him the entire time, like I vowed I would be. I should be thankful if we're both alive on our 50th, right? ...but look at me...I focus on the negative things, that's what I mean by wallowing.

Something fundamental was destroyed when my FWH decided to have his affair - our marriage. I believe people can recover their marriage, but I also believe that it will never be what it could have been and that hurts me very deeply. The part of me that admired and trusted my H has also been shattered. I know it can be rebuilt, but it will never be the same again and that makes me sad too. No matter what happens from this point forward, those things can never be retrieved by either the betrayed or the betrayer - they are just gone. I truly believe that infidelity is the perfect crime - the perpetrator will never feel the pain of the BS and any shame or guilt they feel is entirely because of their choice. Sorry, bad day <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

SG

Thinking that the M will never be "what it could have been" is a mistake. Unless you are thinking that if the M had gone on without a glitch that it may have turned out a "so-so" M.

Who knows where you both would be if that choice hadn't been made? No one does. That is why it is sensles to play the "what if game".

AutumnD

Anniversaries are hard. My W said of me "not you...you wouldn't do this" but I did. We are not perfect and the best of us have fallen. The miracle is making it to 50...not being perfect.
H

I second that Hiker.

My marriage was a steaming pile of crap. We were both fat, drank heavily and ignored each other. After her A, we are both in better shape then ever, we are closer then during our whole marriage and we have sex like bunnies.

As soon as the A becomes a memory that doesn't hurt so bad, I will have the things I always wanted with my W....but the key point is with my W.

I can always wish I could change the past...but that is impossible. I hate dwelling on what could of been.

[ March 16, 2005, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Hemidart ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />
Life has meaning, but no depth, no texture..even marital happiness is reduced to nothing more than masturbating your emotional needs adequately. <hr /></blockquote>When I read this, I automatically visualized a person standing in the shower soaping up their ENs. Where is that EN-spot anyway? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry, people, I couldn't seem to help myself!

jls

Sorry noodle and rest,

Not trying to undermine how you feel at all.

Something is definitely "broke" after an A. But I also know, in my case, that it wasn't working perfectly before that. Sometimes I am surprised that I didn't have an A, although I was tempted and even told H that.

His thoughts seemed to be "If it ain't broke, don't fix it". Now it FEELS broke to me.

jls

CN,

I just feel irrevocably scarred.Wandering through life right now instead of with my usual gusto that forged my days pre A.

My WH just wrecked everything.I know my old self is in here somewhere.It's just buried under so much....I don't know.The old self is gone really I suppose.What I have now is a new me,altered,wounded.Looking for new ways to live without the joy of marriage and my old H that I used to love so much.sigh

I also hope this underlying feeling is temporary.I don't like it and most of the time I ignore.But it's there.

O

CN,

Although I am mostly happy and enjoying life again, I can not date. Just don't seem to have it in me. If I ever do accept an offer I end up calling and cancelling.

I have more interest from other men now than I ever have had in my life, but I just don't care. I am not even flattered by them.

Don't see myself ever dating again, but I am hoping for my sake it atleast starts to look desirable to me again.

And to be perfectly blunt I don't even feel the sexual urges anymore.

I'm broke. Good thing I already have my little girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have felt that sense of change. Another poster once said they had 'lost their sparkle' and that was such an apt description. I am generally a happy, contented lady, but there's a miserable person lurking within me that I never knew existed. It seems that whether we are in recovery or not (as in my case) we all feel the same. I reckon that falling in love again would be the perfect antedote. Weaver - where are all these men who are queuing up for you? TT

Wow,

you people certainly can describe how I sometimes feel.

Noodle . . .
you said [Q] even marital happiness is reduced to nothing more than masturbating your emotional needs adequately.[/Q]

You scare me noodle . . . I could have written this, albeit, not as succinct.

K, Yes I feel the scar, the knitted bone and it still aches.

Bob, October, Weaver, et al., I hope that we all can get past this.

The most difficult thing about being a FWS is/was the shattering of the self-image that we create. You go on most of your life thinking that you are a certain way, thinking that you are basically an o.k. person. In the course of a few months all those self-illusions are shattered and you realized that you really don't know a damn thing about yourself. I never thought I would do this, I've never cheated on a girlfriend before . . . then blam. Makes you wonder what is real.

While there is an enormous sense of loss and I agree it seems to me that (6 weeks out of d-day) the M will never be as strong as it could have been, I sometimes wonder if there wasn't a better/bigger purpose. The M before had gotten very bad, stale, fake . . . Maybe we needed a wake up call and for me, as the BS, it needed to be this tramatic.

My WS had suggested counseling in the past, but always as something that would fix me rather than us. Perhaps I needed this massive and tramatic wake up call. I feel more enlightened in many ways now than I did a few months ago.

I agree with you Jlseagull,

I feel a part of me died the day I found out about H A.
In my case my marriage wasn't working before the A either. We drifted apart along time ago.

D-Day = 12/17/04

Miserable - NO.
Depressed - NO.
Sadness - YES. A depth of sadness I have never experienced before. And sad for lots of reasons. For the affair he's had, for thinking I had a happy marriage because everything was going my way, for the lies I've been told, and for finding out after 18 years together that I really did not know all about him when I thought I knew him so very well. But my anger is targeted completely on his stupidity and selfishness at not being able to see what would lie ahead, and at all the hurt he and the other woman would cause to so many different people. I don't suffer fools gladly, and I just found out I married one.
But.........and it's a very big BUT, I LOVE LIFE!! I just am not prepared to get up every day wallowing in what's happened. Life is too short for that. These feeling pass over me at different times of the day, or because something triggers a memory off. But I try to deal with it and think of more pressing matters. I'm wondering if we get too caught up in that Husband/Wife category. Before we married, he was a friend, then we became very good friends (and still are). He then took on the role of my husband becoming a father and provider to our two children a few years after that. He's still my best friend, and he's still an excellent dad. But somewhere along the line he forgot about being a good husband. But this is how I cope with what he has done. And as my friend, I feel I have to help him through this time, so that even if we don't stay together, I'll still have a friend and my kids will still have their great dad. He has not hurt my children, but he has damaged our husband and wife roles. The affair finished a year ago but I only found out about it recently. He wants to be with me, not her, so I have no worries there (apart from her husbands threats cos he's just found out too). A very, very stressful time for me, but.........it has to be dealt with.

Remember, the glass is half full, not half empty!

Welcome Hope!

I see this is your first post and am glad tht your WH chose you and you found out about the affair after it was over. You are one the lucky ones. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Remember, the glass is half full, not half empty! <hr /></blockquote>Unfortunately for many others here, their WS did not choose them. They are left to pick up the pieces of their broken lives and broken selves themself. They also have witnessed the entire worlds of their children being smashed to pieces in a lot of cases. Some of them will even lose custody of their children, or have to share custody.

For them the glass is neither half full nor half empty because the glass itself has been shattered. There is no glass. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

CN violated his own core value and he hurt other human beings. A very hard pill to swallow. I think I would rather be the betrayee than the betrayer for exactly this reason.

CN, I hope you find that "sparkle" again, can forgive yourself and put the past where it belongs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hopefully all the rest of us can too, someday.

[ March 17, 2005, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]

I think what is alarming..is not the possibility of the glass being empty..it is the growing suspicion that the glass is irrelevent.

Noodle

It is pretty scary isn't it Noodle.

"that the glass is irrelevant"

The total loss of innocence!

For them the glass is neither half full nor half empty because the glass itself has been shattered. There is no glass. [Teary]

For them the glass is neither half full nor half empty because the glass itself has been shattered. There is no glass. [Teary]

Really well said!! For me, it's as if I thought there was a glass, my H told me there was a glass, but in reality it was something else - a cheap paper cup?

The rest of my life is good, as long as I don't let depression overtake me. It's not life that I am sad about, just that piece of it; my M, my personal relationship, or lack thereof, with my H!

jls

CN, I've been thinking about you, wondering how you are. Very recently I've been thinking about people on MB who have especially helped me along the way. You know I count you as one of them, whether you realize it or not. You have been one of the few FWHs here who was willing to read what I'm sure were difficult posts from me. I know you have a huge conscience so it must not have been easy for you hearing my pain. But some of your words to me I can still remember and really made a difference in my life. So your post was very good timing.

Don't have any great words of wisdom here. These As knock the wind out of both the BS and FWS. I guess I just have an observation about another way you helped me. I think my H is very similar to you in his huge disappointment and disgust with himself over what he did to me. Forgive me if that isn't how you feel, but I think I've gotten that from your posts. You helped me understand in my limited way why H might be slow returning to our M because of his own turmoil about what he had done. Just recently he acknowledged that maybe he has been slow giving me certain things I've needed, not because he doesn't love me, but because he doesn't love himself because of what he did. "How can I love you if I don't love myself?"

You have also helped me get a glimpse of what an A does to the FWS. That's a hard one for me to grasp, so my empathy level isn't that great for H concerning his pain. But somehow when you have voiced it it's easier for me to see it. He has told me very similar things to what you have written.

Basically I want to tell you this, which doesn't have much to do with your post. Sorry! I struggle with how my H, who was I believe a very good man, could have done something so wrong, and treated me so badly. I still haven't put those pieces together yet. However, I look at you, who did the same thing as H(minus the dad dying situation, which was extra bad), and I truly think of you as a good man. I don't have a doubt that you are remorseful. I'm pretty sure you wish you hadn't walked down the A path. You have taken the knowledge that you gained from your bad choice to help BSs and WSs alike. So I'll say it again. I look at you as a good man who did a bad thing. And because I can look at you in that way, it gives me hope that one day I will be able to see my H in the same way.

I hope you find peace and happiness again. Heck, I hope I do to. I think both H and I realize that it took some spiritual help(whatever you want to call it) to keep us together, and we'll need that help to ultimately heal us if that's meant to be. Take care friend! CV