Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#1324357 03/16/05 04:13 PM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,300
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,300
that something fundamental to your well-being broke during/after the affair? I sometimes feel like a stick that was violently snapped, I've tried to glue and bind myself back together, but I still feel broken.

I know that I caused all this, but that knowledge really doesn't help much. I don't think it is just guilt, but I'm sure that that is part of it. It is more of just the loss of the ability of finding much joy in existence. Days come days go, so what? I feel like life as become as described in Ecclesiastes, it is all just chasing after the wind.

Maybe I just need spring to get here. . . . I need to see the sun again.

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: Comfortably Numb ]</small>

#1324358 03/16/05 04:23 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 574
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 574
Boy, did you hit the nail right on the head. I feel so much different then who i used to be, I wonder if ill ever be the same again.

Who knows, maybe with a little work we can recover and become better, somehow? At least thats the hope i cling to.

#1324359 03/16/05 04:28 PM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 3,800
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 3,800
CN,

I feel we have been broken, we are now mended, but scarred. We are in Recovery, we have rebuilt our M, we are in a very good place. However, the dark cloud is still over our heads, not everyday, but it is still there. Something was lost, broken, shattered, destroyed, any of those terms fit, I don't feel it can ever be replaced.

We have a better marriage today than we ever have, yet the scar is there. We as two separate people are scarred also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

KY

#1324360 03/16/05 04:30 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
CN I absolutely agree with you.

My mainspring snapped on d-day. I never run fully wound-up now.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Affairs are SH*T. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

#1324361 03/16/05 04:34 PM
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,525
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 3,525
YES!

Interestingly enough ecclesiastes is precisely what I was thinking of when I noticed it.

Not so much a removal of joy..I still feel joy..but in a two dimensional sort of way.

Life has meaning, but no depth, no texture..even marital happiness is reduced to nothing more than masturbating your emotional needs adequately.

Fleeting and unimportant. Not with a bang but a shrug.

Sure do hope this is temporary.

Noodle

#1324362 03/16/05 04:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 224
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 224
Physically I am in better shape then I have been in my whole life. Mentally I have been beaten down.

I am reprogramming myself and repairing the damage done by this A. I know for a fact I will come out of this a better person.

#1324363 03/16/05 05:22 PM
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,383
And the hindsight sucks pretty bad too. The what-ifs, the if-onlys. I still have a lot of self a$$ kicking days, but all I'm really doing on those days is allowing myself to wallow in self pity. That's not good for me or anyone around me.

Oh that I could turn back time, but have the knowledge I have today. Yet, who am I kidding? Damnit...I had the knowledge then didn't I? I mean come on, I knew it was wrong, I knew the results couldn't be anything but bad for my H and even myself and still I did it.

My M is better today than it ever was. Still, I hate knowing I won't be able to look my H in the eye on our 50th wedding anniversary, and know I was faithful to him the entire time, like I vowed I would be. I should be thankful if we're both alive on our 50th, right? ...but look at me...I focus on the negative things, that's what I mean by wallowing.

#1324364 03/16/05 05:33 PM
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 296
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 296
Something fundamental was destroyed when my FWH decided to have his affair - our marriage. I believe people can recover their marriage, but I also believe that it will never be what it could have been and that hurts me very deeply. The part of me that admired and trusted my H has also been shattered. I know it can be rebuilt, but it will never be the same again and that makes me sad too. No matter what happens from this point forward, those things can never be retrieved by either the betrayed or the betrayer - they are just gone. I truly believe that infidelity is the perfect crime - the perpetrator will never feel the pain of the BS and any shame or guilt they feel is entirely because of their choice. Sorry, bad day <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

#1324365 03/16/05 05:45 PM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 953
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 953
SG

Thinking that the M will never be "what it could have been" is a mistake. Unless you are thinking that if the M had gone on without a glitch that it may have turned out a "so-so" M.

Who knows where you both would be if that choice hadn't been made? No one does. That is why it is sensles to play the "what if game".

AutumnD

Anniversaries are hard. My W said of me "not you...you wouldn't do this" but I did. We are not perfect and the best of us have fallen. The miracle is making it to 50...not being perfect.
H

#1324366 03/16/05 06:01 PM
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 224
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 224
I second that Hiker.

My marriage was a steaming pile of crap. We were both fat, drank heavily and ignored each other. After her A, we are both in better shape then ever, we are closer then during our whole marriage and we have sex like bunnies.

As soon as the A becomes a memory that doesn't hurt so bad, I will have the things I always wanted with my W....but the key point is with my W.

I can always wish I could change the past...but that is impossible. I hate dwelling on what could of been.

<small>[ March 16, 2005, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Hemidart ]</small>

#1324367 03/16/05 06:11 PM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Life has meaning, but no depth, no texture..even marital happiness is reduced to nothing more than masturbating your emotional needs adequately. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I read this, I automatically visualized a person standing in the shower soaping up their ENs. Where is that EN-spot anyway? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry, people, I couldn't seem to help myself!

jls

#1324368 03/16/05 06:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 774
Sorry noodle and rest,

Not trying to undermine how you feel at all.

Something is definitely "broke" after an A. But I also know, in my case, that it wasn't working perfectly before that. Sometimes I am surprised that I didn't have an A, although I was tempted and even told H that.

His thoughts seemed to be "If it ain't broke, don't fix it". Now it FEELS broke to me.

jls

#1324369 03/17/05 09:00 AM
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 3,380
CN,

I just feel irrevocably scarred.Wandering through life right now instead of with my usual gusto that forged my days pre A.

My WH just wrecked everything.I know my old self is in here somewhere.It's just buried under so much....I don't know.The old self is gone really I suppose.What I have now is a new me,altered,wounded.Looking for new ways to live without the joy of marriage and my old H that I used to love so much.sigh

I also hope this underlying feeling is temporary.I don't like it and most of the time I ignore.But it's there.

O

#1324370 03/17/05 09:20 AM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
CN,

Although I am mostly happy and enjoying life again, I can not date. Just don't seem to have it in me. If I ever do accept an offer I end up calling and cancelling.

I have more interest from other men now than I ever have had in my life, but I just don't care. I am not even flattered by them.

Don't see myself ever dating again, but I am hoping for my sake it atleast starts to look desirable to me again.

And to be perfectly blunt I don't even feel the sexual urges anymore.

I'm broke. Good thing I already have my little girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

#1324371 03/17/05 09:39 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 815
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 815
I have felt that sense of change. Another poster once said they had 'lost their sparkle' and that was such an apt description. I am generally a happy, contented lady, but there's a miserable person lurking within me that I never knew existed. It seems that whether we are in recovery or not (as in my case) we all feel the same. I reckon that falling in love again would be the perfect antedote. Weaver - where are all these men who are queuing up for you? TT

#1324372 03/17/05 11:02 AM
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,300
C
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,300
Wow,

you people certainly can describe how I sometimes feel.

Noodle . . .
you said [Q] even marital happiness is reduced to nothing more than masturbating your emotional needs adequately.[/Q]

You scare me noodle . . . I could have written this, albeit, not as succinct.

K, Yes I feel the scar, the knitted bone and it still aches.

Bob, October, Weaver, et al., I hope that we all can get past this.

The most difficult thing about being a FWS is/was the shattering of the self-image that we create. You go on most of your life thinking that you are a certain way, thinking that you are basically an o.k. person. In the course of a few months all those self-illusions are shattered and you realized that you really don't know a damn thing about yourself. I never thought I would do this, I've never cheated on a girlfriend before . . . then blam. Makes you wonder what is real.

#1324373 03/17/05 11:24 AM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 22
M
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
M
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 22
While there is an enormous sense of loss and I agree it seems to me that (6 weeks out of d-day) the M will never be as strong as it could have been, I sometimes wonder if there wasn't a better/bigger purpose. The M before had gotten very bad, stale, fake . . . Maybe we needed a wake up call and for me, as the BS, it needed to be this tramatic.

My WS had suggested counseling in the past, but always as something that would fix me rather than us. Perhaps I needed this massive and tramatic wake up call. I feel more enlightened in many ways now than I did a few months ago.

#1324374 03/17/05 11:28 AM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6
R
RMF Offline
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
R
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 6
I agree with you Jlseagull,

I feel a part of me died the day I found out about H A.
In my case my marriage wasn't working before the A either. We drifted apart along time ago.

D-Day = 12/17/04

#1324375 03/17/05 12:15 PM
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 17
H
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
H
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 17
Miserable - NO.
Depressed - NO.
Sadness - YES. A depth of sadness I have never experienced before. And sad for lots of reasons. For the affair he's had, for thinking I had a happy marriage because everything was going my way, for the lies I've been told, and for finding out after 18 years together that I really did not know all about him when I thought I knew him so very well. But my anger is targeted completely on his stupidity and selfishness at not being able to see what would lie ahead, and at all the hurt he and the other woman would cause to so many different people. I don't suffer fools gladly, and I just found out I married one.
But.........and it's a very big BUT, I LOVE LIFE!! I just am not prepared to get up every day wallowing in what's happened. Life is too short for that. These feeling pass over me at different times of the day, or because something triggers a memory off. But I try to deal with it and think of more pressing matters. I'm wondering if we get too caught up in that Husband/Wife category. Before we married, he was a friend, then we became very good friends (and still are). He then took on the role of my husband becoming a father and provider to our two children a few years after that. He's still my best friend, and he's still an excellent dad. But somewhere along the line he forgot about being a good husband. But this is how I cope with what he has done. And as my friend, I feel I have to help him through this time, so that even if we don't stay together, I'll still have a friend and my kids will still have their great dad. He has not hurt my children, but he has damaged our husband and wife roles. The affair finished a year ago but I only found out about it recently. He wants to be with me, not her, so I have no worries there (apart from her husbands threats cos he's just found out too). A very, very stressful time for me, but.........it has to be dealt with.

Remember, the glass is half full, not half empty!

#1324376 03/17/05 12:51 PM
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 7,093
Welcome Hope!

I see this is your first post and am glad tht your WH chose you and you found out about the affair after it was over. You are one the lucky ones. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Remember, the glass is half full, not half empty! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately for many others here, their WS did not choose them. They are left to pick up the pieces of their broken lives and broken selves themself. They also have witnessed the entire worlds of their children being smashed to pieces in a lot of cases. Some of them will even lose custody of their children, or have to share custody.

For them the glass is neither half full nor half empty because the glass itself has been shattered. There is no glass. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

CN violated his own core value and he hurt other human beings. A very hard pill to swallow. I think I would rather be the betrayee than the betrayer for exactly this reason.

CN, I hope you find that "sparkle" again, can forgive yourself and put the past where it belongs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hopefully all the rest of us can too, someday.

<small>[ March 17, 2005, 12:07 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5