Think I should just pack it in - 04/20/05 07:56 PM
Wife poked through some of my Journalling and sent me this email:
Dear Mark,
Hate to say it, but you still do not understand and I cannot seem to get anything through to you. I have been crying too long over you to be a husband. You were always a father, just never a husband. There was never the two of us, just you and then me. I was never # 1 in your book until you just about lost me! Too late. I had already written it off. You have no idea, you were completely oblivious to everything going on around you because you were self-absorbed in yourself. You never helped me out with the kids, and you barely supported anything that had to do with my family. Don’t go convincing yourself otherwise. I let too many arguments go because I didn’t want too deal with you and your arrogance. I finally had enough!
My mother, my sisters, my friends, everyone I spoke to about how miserable I really was told me that you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else. I just couldn’t come around to doing it because that would be very selfish of me. I made a lot of excuses in the past and let too many things go. Sure, it made life bearable, but what do I have to show for it now! I am miserable, and I am tired of crying and being so confused that I don’t know what I want to do.
Yeah, once upon a time I thought we were the most stable couple, compared to the rest of my family! You know my feelings about Kathleen, Noreen and Pat, God only knows what is in store for them, and Patricia is not the easiest person to get along with. I could not have ever thought that I could have ever made a wrong choice in my life. I created my own little perfect world for everyone to see, but deep down inside, I knew I was not perfect at all. No one knows ME! Especially you! You have never, and I repeat NEVER, taken the time to really get to know me. You have no idea about my insecurities, my lack of self-esteem, lack of confidence. You have no idea what it was like to be in my shoes growing up and becoming the person I am. I am not as strong as anyone of you think! But I do know how to put on a good front! That was something I learned early on. I know I told you about my high school days and how I had to fight my way to be accepted- guess it did not impress anything upon you.
I keep myself busy so I can get through the day. The busier I am, the better! I do not have the time to think about what really bothers me inside. I hate to be at home and be idle. I also hate the housework because I am alone and all I do is think about too many things. So, I’ll find an errand to run, no matter how small or stupid. Avoidance is the best answer to everything. I asked for children to fill my life because it was so empty. We could have waited and probably should have, but even though you were not ready, I needed it then, instead of later. If they were five years apart, I still would be needed and still very busy with my children. I am not needed by them as much anymore and it gives me more time to think about how miserable I really am.
The kids are the best things that you have ever given me. Don’t you dare turn them against me unless you really are that spiteful. I love them with all my heart and it is killing me to see them suffer this. I just do not know what to do. I know that we cannot go on like this, but I cannot change all the disappointment I feel and the frustration, and the confusion. I want it over, but I do not want to be hasteful in my decision because of it.
I need someone beside me who is going to help me in the social scene. I need to be around others who I consider to be my friends. I need to be accepted, and I need a partner who will support that. I am sorry to say that you do not complement me in that arena. Your sarcasm, your pessimistic attitude, your arrogance over the years have taken a toll on me. This may be very selfish of me to say, but you want to know and you need to know. For so many years, I have wondered why people do not call us up and say, “Hey, let’s go out for a dinner or a movie together as a four-some” or something like that. NO ONE!!!!! If people like me so much and can call me there friend, why does this not happen? Everyone else is able to do it, but my phone is not ringing off the wall! When people in the school yard talk about getting together, it hurts me to not be included. Maybe that is why I initiate many of the get-togethers, because then I know that I am Included! I use to say it was because everyone had kids and everyone is too tired or can’t get a babysitter or something. Just more excuses!
I am able to go out with my friends and maintain my friendships, but what happened to you? I don’t know, but you are who I factor in as a problem in this, I am sorry to say. For YEARS, I have tried to encourage you to go out with the boys, to get involved in something, go out with Warren for a beer, your brother, Frank Gaspe, anyone; be a firefighter, join the Knights. I have asked this of throughout our marriage to improve your socialization skills. You ignored them. I gave up. It was just easier to go out myself after a while and you would watch the kids. I need to be sociable and I learned how to do it! You could too, if you only tried. But, now is too late to fix things in this area. You really hurt me in December when your actions tore apart some of the things that were important to me. I no longer feel very confident in myself around people. I feel I must watch what I do or say, and I am very leary of initiating any kind of “get together”. You have crushed me in a way that you will never understand, so I can tell you this: DON”T TRY TO UNDERSTAND. YOU WILL NEVER GET IT!!!!!
I know that I may be all over the place here with my thoughts, but that is what my mind is doing to me these days. The thoughts are not organized, only reflective. I have my own feelings about you, and right now, they are not positive at all. I am trying desperately not to escalate it to hate, but am having a difficult time of it. I have over many years been trying to reflect upon why I am so unhappy. I tried to tell you this, but you did not listen and you did not help at all. You are correct about one thing, though. It is not you, it is ME, who is the problem. I am the unhappy one and I finally took people’s advice to take care of myself and let myself try and figure out why I am so unhappy. That one selfish act of mine that I knew I should never have taken, has cost me a lot! As a result, it effects you and the kids. Can I continue to be so selfish, or do I just continue pretending that things are just great and that we are the most stable couple in the world! Unfortunately, I cannot go back to doing that, but I am too insecure in myself to take any other step! I just want to get up each day and get through it. I do not want to have to go over this time and time again.
If you want to blame Joe for all the problems that we have, I cannot stop you. If you believe that there never existed any problems in our marriage before Jan-Feb of last year, then that is your perogative. You are, however, living in denial and you need to take a long-hard look at yourself instead of every one else! There is one thing that my mother (and God, do I miss her) did teach me, and I love her for it so much that I hope to be able to instill it in my children. I am a good person. I am beautiful in my own way. I am liked by others and those who don’t like me, the hell with it! I am worthy! I am the prize! Anyone would be happy to have me! Unfortunately, you neglected me for way too long, and you did not realize it until it was too late. I know that you win the big prize if I stay, I know what you have in me. I, though, realize that I never gave myself the opportunity to be with someone who has some, if not all, of the qualities that I once valued in a partner. It may sound very callous of me to say, but you have very few of the qualities that I value in a man. You are responsible for your family, you provide for us and that is a priority for every man. You rose to the occasion and became a great father. You never complained about taking care of the kids when I worked my long shifts and I knew they were in very capable hands. I never worried and I would laugh at other mothers who could not leave their children with their husband, like Kathleen. I feel sorry for them and believe that they have missed out on something. But you are a lousy husband. You rarely did anything nice for me, took an initiative, or acted impulsively. My birthday and our anniversary became an afterthought, and so did I. Yes, you never forgot the day, I guess, but there is no effort in getting a card and flowers the morning of. Although you think I should forget the past and move on to the future, I cannot. All those little things that you think are so insignificant add up and they hurt!!
I gave you so many opportunities over the years, I just can’t do it anymore. All these years, I have reflected upon the men I let get away and the ones I never gave a chance to. You are missing so many of the qualities that I really wanted in a husband, I always thought that you would change because you did love me.
I thought that you would help me around the house and with the kids, but you never picked up a vacuum or did the dusting or the food shopping, hell, you never even went shopping with me! You never picked up you clothes and no matter how many times I got disgusted over the locker room smell in my room, and even said something to you, you would treat me like your co-workers and continue doing what you wanted to do so that you would never be asked to do anything again. I thought you would dress neater, wear a tie and jacket because it was important to me, but that was a stretch. I like to dress up, you do not. Had to accept it. (By the way, do you ever look at the picture in our room of you, me and Elizabeth when she was about 18 months old? Do you see the tie you are wearing, how small it is and how crooked it is? Bothers me everyday!) You will never be able to be the smart dresser I want you to be, so I let that go, too. I like the arts, you do not. You can now try to convince yourself all that you want that you do now, but you didn’t when it was important to me. You have always told me how much you hate musicals and what an effort it would take for me to get you to go to the city for a theatre show. Yes, you did it once for Cats and we spent a nice day in the city, but I know that you did not like it. I remember two nice trips to the city, this being one and the other when we had dinner at the Towers. I admit they were nice, but that is not what I remember most about it. I remember trying to convince myself that I was having a great time. I have always wanted to be with someone who could make me laugh all the time and be sociable and able to carry conversation in a group, someone who could work the crowd. Since elementary school, I always had a crush on the class clown or the person who could draw the most friends. That is who I wanted to be with. I envy my friends who have the men with this quality. Karen and Alex are one of them. I could label quite a few others, but I don’t feel I need to. I have always envied their marriage because of what they have together. Our marriage is nothing like theirs; never was and never will be. I envy Theresa and Willie at work, and also her relationship with her mother. I envy what Gloria and Edward have. These are soul-mates, we are not. Please do not give me any sermon about envy. I do not need it, but these qualities are the things that have been missing for me for so long. I have tried to let them go and accept them, you know the saying, “You made your bed, now lie in it” and “That’s life” and I could go on and on with that stuff, but it doesn’t make me any happier. I am still miserable and because I opened up the door and decided to face things, to do the selfish deed and take care of myself, I now feel that I am being punished, sentenced to life in this game. I finally tried to take care of myself and all I have gotten is grief. I know I am not perfect, that is not what I am trying to explain in this letter, and I know I could have done things very different, but I cannot go back now! I am really not trying to hurt you by writing this. I just don’t know what to say or do anymore.
And before I forget, do not tell me how spiritual you are, it absolutely enrages me. When I think of all the times I tried to get you to go to church because it was important to me, you refused. All of our arguments about the kids going to Catholic schools and the agreement that I gave in to in letting our children decide their high school! Now that Elizabeth is contemplating it, it scares me to death and I am praying that she comes to her senses! I will never forget the embarrassment you caused me with Sr. Lorraine when we were trying to decide if Notre Dame was the right place. I so wanted to crawl under a rock that day! You may now realize its importance, but you didn’t when it mattered most. I refuse to argue it anymore and I reflect back upon those days when we took pre-cana and we just never took advantage of those conversations. Maybe they did those classes wrong. I think if we were put into a group discussion about it, we would have, or at least I may have, realized my mistake and stopped this before getting to this point. I am glad that you finally found God though. I use to pray for you to find him every week! I loved to be alone in church because I could pray, and CRY, without anyone bothering me. The girls would do their choir and I would kneel and pray every day at church that He would hit you over the head with his power and knock some sense into you, to open yourself up to God and be the husband that I needed you to be. It never happened and I think that I just got tired of waiting. You keep up the good work and someday, maybe, you will be the man that every girl wants. It’s just not working for me.
I am not telling you these things to hurt you. I am hurt enough for all of us! I really do not know how to work it out and I feel that my decision has already been made, a very long time ago. I just do not want to face what I have to do next, and I cannot get enough courage to do anything. You want me to feel something that I just don’t have in me, and yes, I am wondering if it was ever really there. Like my mother has said to me, any two idiots can have babies. Well, any two idiots can get married for the wrong reasons, too. I am not saying that yours were wrong, but mine were. I was insecure and alone. I just came from a four year relationship with a boy who I knew was going to ask me to marry him, but he really was not my candidate. That took a lot of courage on my part and I feel guilty to this day about the pain I caused him. I thought no one would ever ask me out ever, considering that four-year relation began because I asked him to my Junior prom. No one was knocking on my door or ringing my phone. I really was an ugly-duckling, and please do not convince me otherwise. You do not know anything about me back then. While dating Anthony, I was only just realizing that I could control my own life and I let my hair grow, I had a Job, a car, money and I could do what I wanted. I tried to do things to improve my physical self while still being me and I realized there were quite a few guys out there who liked me. I started to feel better about myself, but I never lost that insecure feeling and I really needed to get away from Mom. She was smothering me, although neither one of us realized it. And my sisters could not see it either because they were dealing with their own form of suffocation! The boys I was waiting for did not come forward soon enough for me though, but Michael did. And although he treated me like [censored], and you know it, I took it because I could get out of the house and that is how insecure I was in a relationship. I knew he did not want me, but he still called and I was still able to hold on to a small piece of. Wqhen you came along, I sincerely did not want you to leave for San Diego because you were the one in the group who wasn’t so serious. Without you there, the group was very boring! I would have missed that, but I also realized you liked me and my insecurity flared up again. I knew I had no hope with Michael and moved right on to you. It does not bother you that you lost Mike, but it bothers me because I lost another friend and I am sorry, I don’t understand how a man who doesn’t care a thing about me would care at all that someone else did. Why did I agree to marry you so quickly? We barely knew each other. I think I really needed the companionship and I never thought that I would get another chance, my insecurities with myself again.
I hope that I am getting something through to you in this. I don’t know how else to do or say it. I am not sitting here rationalizing my feelings! I am telling you the way it is. You, I know, have a very different version. I don’t get all emotional and sentimental when I talk about how we met and came to be. I am trying to deal with the biggest mistake that I may have made in my life. That is a big burden to carry. When I look at my future, it is not there. I see nothing but the children growing up. I am not looking at you and me, because I do not see it. I have never had a dream about it and I do not see you as my soul-mate. I am very sorry! Right now, I can barely see what tomorrow has to bring.
I know that after you read this, you may have questions or want to talk. You can talk and I will listen, but I don’t know what else to tell you. I can go on and on about the thoughts in my head that I am trying to face, but we both seem to have two different observations. Although I want to see what you see, I can’t. I have been hurting for too long. You said that you have changed, but I have changed, too. I am still working on changing me, and I know that I can’t change anyone else. Now, I have to learn how to deal with me. You cannot help me there. I am sorry!
Karen
Dear Mark,
Hate to say it, but you still do not understand and I cannot seem to get anything through to you. I have been crying too long over you to be a husband. You were always a father, just never a husband. There was never the two of us, just you and then me. I was never # 1 in your book until you just about lost me! Too late. I had already written it off. You have no idea, you were completely oblivious to everything going on around you because you were self-absorbed in yourself. You never helped me out with the kids, and you barely supported anything that had to do with my family. Don’t go convincing yourself otherwise. I let too many arguments go because I didn’t want too deal with you and your arrogance. I finally had enough!
My mother, my sisters, my friends, everyone I spoke to about how miserable I really was told me that you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else. I just couldn’t come around to doing it because that would be very selfish of me. I made a lot of excuses in the past and let too many things go. Sure, it made life bearable, but what do I have to show for it now! I am miserable, and I am tired of crying and being so confused that I don’t know what I want to do.
Yeah, once upon a time I thought we were the most stable couple, compared to the rest of my family! You know my feelings about Kathleen, Noreen and Pat, God only knows what is in store for them, and Patricia is not the easiest person to get along with. I could not have ever thought that I could have ever made a wrong choice in my life. I created my own little perfect world for everyone to see, but deep down inside, I knew I was not perfect at all. No one knows ME! Especially you! You have never, and I repeat NEVER, taken the time to really get to know me. You have no idea about my insecurities, my lack of self-esteem, lack of confidence. You have no idea what it was like to be in my shoes growing up and becoming the person I am. I am not as strong as anyone of you think! But I do know how to put on a good front! That was something I learned early on. I know I told you about my high school days and how I had to fight my way to be accepted- guess it did not impress anything upon you.
I keep myself busy so I can get through the day. The busier I am, the better! I do not have the time to think about what really bothers me inside. I hate to be at home and be idle. I also hate the housework because I am alone and all I do is think about too many things. So, I’ll find an errand to run, no matter how small or stupid. Avoidance is the best answer to everything. I asked for children to fill my life because it was so empty. We could have waited and probably should have, but even though you were not ready, I needed it then, instead of later. If they were five years apart, I still would be needed and still very busy with my children. I am not needed by them as much anymore and it gives me more time to think about how miserable I really am.
The kids are the best things that you have ever given me. Don’t you dare turn them against me unless you really are that spiteful. I love them with all my heart and it is killing me to see them suffer this. I just do not know what to do. I know that we cannot go on like this, but I cannot change all the disappointment I feel and the frustration, and the confusion. I want it over, but I do not want to be hasteful in my decision because of it.
I need someone beside me who is going to help me in the social scene. I need to be around others who I consider to be my friends. I need to be accepted, and I need a partner who will support that. I am sorry to say that you do not complement me in that arena. Your sarcasm, your pessimistic attitude, your arrogance over the years have taken a toll on me. This may be very selfish of me to say, but you want to know and you need to know. For so many years, I have wondered why people do not call us up and say, “Hey, let’s go out for a dinner or a movie together as a four-some” or something like that. NO ONE!!!!! If people like me so much and can call me there friend, why does this not happen? Everyone else is able to do it, but my phone is not ringing off the wall! When people in the school yard talk about getting together, it hurts me to not be included. Maybe that is why I initiate many of the get-togethers, because then I know that I am Included! I use to say it was because everyone had kids and everyone is too tired or can’t get a babysitter or something. Just more excuses!
I am able to go out with my friends and maintain my friendships, but what happened to you? I don’t know, but you are who I factor in as a problem in this, I am sorry to say. For YEARS, I have tried to encourage you to go out with the boys, to get involved in something, go out with Warren for a beer, your brother, Frank Gaspe, anyone; be a firefighter, join the Knights. I have asked this of throughout our marriage to improve your socialization skills. You ignored them. I gave up. It was just easier to go out myself after a while and you would watch the kids. I need to be sociable and I learned how to do it! You could too, if you only tried. But, now is too late to fix things in this area. You really hurt me in December when your actions tore apart some of the things that were important to me. I no longer feel very confident in myself around people. I feel I must watch what I do or say, and I am very leary of initiating any kind of “get together”. You have crushed me in a way that you will never understand, so I can tell you this: DON”T TRY TO UNDERSTAND. YOU WILL NEVER GET IT!!!!!
I know that I may be all over the place here with my thoughts, but that is what my mind is doing to me these days. The thoughts are not organized, only reflective. I have my own feelings about you, and right now, they are not positive at all. I am trying desperately not to escalate it to hate, but am having a difficult time of it. I have over many years been trying to reflect upon why I am so unhappy. I tried to tell you this, but you did not listen and you did not help at all. You are correct about one thing, though. It is not you, it is ME, who is the problem. I am the unhappy one and I finally took people’s advice to take care of myself and let myself try and figure out why I am so unhappy. That one selfish act of mine that I knew I should never have taken, has cost me a lot! As a result, it effects you and the kids. Can I continue to be so selfish, or do I just continue pretending that things are just great and that we are the most stable couple in the world! Unfortunately, I cannot go back to doing that, but I am too insecure in myself to take any other step! I just want to get up each day and get through it. I do not want to have to go over this time and time again.
If you want to blame Joe for all the problems that we have, I cannot stop you. If you believe that there never existed any problems in our marriage before Jan-Feb of last year, then that is your perogative. You are, however, living in denial and you need to take a long-hard look at yourself instead of every one else! There is one thing that my mother (and God, do I miss her) did teach me, and I love her for it so much that I hope to be able to instill it in my children. I am a good person. I am beautiful in my own way. I am liked by others and those who don’t like me, the hell with it! I am worthy! I am the prize! Anyone would be happy to have me! Unfortunately, you neglected me for way too long, and you did not realize it until it was too late. I know that you win the big prize if I stay, I know what you have in me. I, though, realize that I never gave myself the opportunity to be with someone who has some, if not all, of the qualities that I once valued in a partner. It may sound very callous of me to say, but you have very few of the qualities that I value in a man. You are responsible for your family, you provide for us and that is a priority for every man. You rose to the occasion and became a great father. You never complained about taking care of the kids when I worked my long shifts and I knew they were in very capable hands. I never worried and I would laugh at other mothers who could not leave their children with their husband, like Kathleen. I feel sorry for them and believe that they have missed out on something. But you are a lousy husband. You rarely did anything nice for me, took an initiative, or acted impulsively. My birthday and our anniversary became an afterthought, and so did I. Yes, you never forgot the day, I guess, but there is no effort in getting a card and flowers the morning of. Although you think I should forget the past and move on to the future, I cannot. All those little things that you think are so insignificant add up and they hurt!!
I gave you so many opportunities over the years, I just can’t do it anymore. All these years, I have reflected upon the men I let get away and the ones I never gave a chance to. You are missing so many of the qualities that I really wanted in a husband, I always thought that you would change because you did love me.
I thought that you would help me around the house and with the kids, but you never picked up a vacuum or did the dusting or the food shopping, hell, you never even went shopping with me! You never picked up you clothes and no matter how many times I got disgusted over the locker room smell in my room, and even said something to you, you would treat me like your co-workers and continue doing what you wanted to do so that you would never be asked to do anything again. I thought you would dress neater, wear a tie and jacket because it was important to me, but that was a stretch. I like to dress up, you do not. Had to accept it. (By the way, do you ever look at the picture in our room of you, me and Elizabeth when she was about 18 months old? Do you see the tie you are wearing, how small it is and how crooked it is? Bothers me everyday!) You will never be able to be the smart dresser I want you to be, so I let that go, too. I like the arts, you do not. You can now try to convince yourself all that you want that you do now, but you didn’t when it was important to me. You have always told me how much you hate musicals and what an effort it would take for me to get you to go to the city for a theatre show. Yes, you did it once for Cats and we spent a nice day in the city, but I know that you did not like it. I remember two nice trips to the city, this being one and the other when we had dinner at the Towers. I admit they were nice, but that is not what I remember most about it. I remember trying to convince myself that I was having a great time. I have always wanted to be with someone who could make me laugh all the time and be sociable and able to carry conversation in a group, someone who could work the crowd. Since elementary school, I always had a crush on the class clown or the person who could draw the most friends. That is who I wanted to be with. I envy my friends who have the men with this quality. Karen and Alex are one of them. I could label quite a few others, but I don’t feel I need to. I have always envied their marriage because of what they have together. Our marriage is nothing like theirs; never was and never will be. I envy Theresa and Willie at work, and also her relationship with her mother. I envy what Gloria and Edward have. These are soul-mates, we are not. Please do not give me any sermon about envy. I do not need it, but these qualities are the things that have been missing for me for so long. I have tried to let them go and accept them, you know the saying, “You made your bed, now lie in it” and “That’s life” and I could go on and on with that stuff, but it doesn’t make me any happier. I am still miserable and because I opened up the door and decided to face things, to do the selfish deed and take care of myself, I now feel that I am being punished, sentenced to life in this game. I finally tried to take care of myself and all I have gotten is grief. I know I am not perfect, that is not what I am trying to explain in this letter, and I know I could have done things very different, but I cannot go back now! I am really not trying to hurt you by writing this. I just don’t know what to say or do anymore.
And before I forget, do not tell me how spiritual you are, it absolutely enrages me. When I think of all the times I tried to get you to go to church because it was important to me, you refused. All of our arguments about the kids going to Catholic schools and the agreement that I gave in to in letting our children decide their high school! Now that Elizabeth is contemplating it, it scares me to death and I am praying that she comes to her senses! I will never forget the embarrassment you caused me with Sr. Lorraine when we were trying to decide if Notre Dame was the right place. I so wanted to crawl under a rock that day! You may now realize its importance, but you didn’t when it mattered most. I refuse to argue it anymore and I reflect back upon those days when we took pre-cana and we just never took advantage of those conversations. Maybe they did those classes wrong. I think if we were put into a group discussion about it, we would have, or at least I may have, realized my mistake and stopped this before getting to this point. I am glad that you finally found God though. I use to pray for you to find him every week! I loved to be alone in church because I could pray, and CRY, without anyone bothering me. The girls would do their choir and I would kneel and pray every day at church that He would hit you over the head with his power and knock some sense into you, to open yourself up to God and be the husband that I needed you to be. It never happened and I think that I just got tired of waiting. You keep up the good work and someday, maybe, you will be the man that every girl wants. It’s just not working for me.
I am not telling you these things to hurt you. I am hurt enough for all of us! I really do not know how to work it out and I feel that my decision has already been made, a very long time ago. I just do not want to face what I have to do next, and I cannot get enough courage to do anything. You want me to feel something that I just don’t have in me, and yes, I am wondering if it was ever really there. Like my mother has said to me, any two idiots can have babies. Well, any two idiots can get married for the wrong reasons, too. I am not saying that yours were wrong, but mine were. I was insecure and alone. I just came from a four year relationship with a boy who I knew was going to ask me to marry him, but he really was not my candidate. That took a lot of courage on my part and I feel guilty to this day about the pain I caused him. I thought no one would ever ask me out ever, considering that four-year relation began because I asked him to my Junior prom. No one was knocking on my door or ringing my phone. I really was an ugly-duckling, and please do not convince me otherwise. You do not know anything about me back then. While dating Anthony, I was only just realizing that I could control my own life and I let my hair grow, I had a Job, a car, money and I could do what I wanted. I tried to do things to improve my physical self while still being me and I realized there were quite a few guys out there who liked me. I started to feel better about myself, but I never lost that insecure feeling and I really needed to get away from Mom. She was smothering me, although neither one of us realized it. And my sisters could not see it either because they were dealing with their own form of suffocation! The boys I was waiting for did not come forward soon enough for me though, but Michael did. And although he treated me like [censored], and you know it, I took it because I could get out of the house and that is how insecure I was in a relationship. I knew he did not want me, but he still called and I was still able to hold on to a small piece of. Wqhen you came along, I sincerely did not want you to leave for San Diego because you were the one in the group who wasn’t so serious. Without you there, the group was very boring! I would have missed that, but I also realized you liked me and my insecurity flared up again. I knew I had no hope with Michael and moved right on to you. It does not bother you that you lost Mike, but it bothers me because I lost another friend and I am sorry, I don’t understand how a man who doesn’t care a thing about me would care at all that someone else did. Why did I agree to marry you so quickly? We barely knew each other. I think I really needed the companionship and I never thought that I would get another chance, my insecurities with myself again.
I hope that I am getting something through to you in this. I don’t know how else to do or say it. I am not sitting here rationalizing my feelings! I am telling you the way it is. You, I know, have a very different version. I don’t get all emotional and sentimental when I talk about how we met and came to be. I am trying to deal with the biggest mistake that I may have made in my life. That is a big burden to carry. When I look at my future, it is not there. I see nothing but the children growing up. I am not looking at you and me, because I do not see it. I have never had a dream about it and I do not see you as my soul-mate. I am very sorry! Right now, I can barely see what tomorrow has to bring.
I know that after you read this, you may have questions or want to talk. You can talk and I will listen, but I don’t know what else to tell you. I can go on and on about the thoughts in my head that I am trying to face, but we both seem to have two different observations. Although I want to see what you see, I can’t. I have been hurting for too long. You said that you have changed, but I have changed, too. I am still working on changing me, and I know that I can’t change anyone else. Now, I have to learn how to deal with me. You cannot help me there. I am sorry!
Karen