AAGGGHHHH! warning major vent - 04/22/05 06:38 PM
OK, My d-day was in Dec. and since then I have had some very big ups and downs...which I can see is normal. Now, my H is doing all he can to prove to me that he is being true, and that he loves me, but I have been in this "funk" for about two weeks now and cannot seem to get out.
It all started with a MC session that we had. We discussed the fact that he did choose me(which I still say we don't know for sure, b/c the OW dumped him, and he asked her not to for a couple of days), and that I was not worthless to him at the time, and that he still thought of me as his soulmate, bestfriend, love of his life..and even told that to the OW. My point is how in the *ell can you feel that way about someone and still purposely have an affair? Yes, he did not do it to hurt me, I know that..but he still made a choice to do it when supposably I meant so much to him...and he claims that he did not feel any guilt for it until she broke it off. How do I get past that?
Also, he told her that he loved her, when he says he was just doing it b/c she wanted to hear it...so does that make the "I love you" a meaningless phrase to him...something just to be said to make somebody else feel good. That makes me feel like **it..b/c how do I know that when he is telling me that he is not just saying it. His words become meaningless..plus at the end, he did feel love for her..so then the phrase is no longer meaningless, but now he has given away his love, too.
So in my mind he has given away everything that we held special about us..sex, love, and friendship.
Now he tells me that I am not sharing how I feel anymore...which is probably true, b/c everytime I do, he comes back with this hopeless line how I will never be happy with him again, and that he knows I will never forgive him. And I admit, I can be pretty harsh...another reason I try not to talk to him when I am in these moods..b/c even though my heart is breaking, I do not want to verbally abuse him in any way.
He also, told me today that it is not normal to be in this "pissy" mood for 2 weeks when you are four months out from d-day. He says that he reads on here(yes, he does read on here), how everybody has shorter bad times as time goes on, and mine is not normal...so I ask..is it? Am I just wierd? Am I getting worse?
I do admit for some anger hanging on this week, but last week, my funk was all about the fact that I can see that we are sooo incompatible. We just like different things...and he and the OW had much more in common. I think to myself that he probably would have been happier with her. She must have been awfully special for him to forget about this person that was worth so much to him, right?
OK, now that I have vented...and if you have read all of this...Thank you....I would appreciate any advice. Even if it is just for my H to see that I am normal, or me to see that I need to "get over it". Yes, my H will read this, so please feel free to tell me or him like it is.
[color:"blue"] [/color]
It all started with a MC session that we had. We discussed the fact that he did choose me(which I still say we don't know for sure, b/c the OW dumped him, and he asked her not to for a couple of days), and that I was not worthless to him at the time, and that he still thought of me as his soulmate, bestfriend, love of his life..and even told that to the OW. My point is how in the *ell can you feel that way about someone and still purposely have an affair? Yes, he did not do it to hurt me, I know that..but he still made a choice to do it when supposably I meant so much to him...and he claims that he did not feel any guilt for it until she broke it off. How do I get past that?
Also, he told her that he loved her, when he says he was just doing it b/c she wanted to hear it...so does that make the "I love you" a meaningless phrase to him...something just to be said to make somebody else feel good. That makes me feel like **it..b/c how do I know that when he is telling me that he is not just saying it. His words become meaningless..plus at the end, he did feel love for her..so then the phrase is no longer meaningless, but now he has given away his love, too.
So in my mind he has given away everything that we held special about us..sex, love, and friendship.
Now he tells me that I am not sharing how I feel anymore...which is probably true, b/c everytime I do, he comes back with this hopeless line how I will never be happy with him again, and that he knows I will never forgive him. And I admit, I can be pretty harsh...another reason I try not to talk to him when I am in these moods..b/c even though my heart is breaking, I do not want to verbally abuse him in any way.
He also, told me today that it is not normal to be in this "pissy" mood for 2 weeks when you are four months out from d-day. He says that he reads on here(yes, he does read on here), how everybody has shorter bad times as time goes on, and mine is not normal...so I ask..is it? Am I just wierd? Am I getting worse?
I do admit for some anger hanging on this week, but last week, my funk was all about the fact that I can see that we are sooo incompatible. We just like different things...and he and the OW had much more in common. I think to myself that he probably would have been happier with her. She must have been awfully special for him to forget about this person that was worth so much to him, right?
OK, now that I have vented...and if you have read all of this...Thank you....I would appreciate any advice. Even if it is just for my H to see that I am normal, or me to see that I need to "get over it". Yes, my H will read this, so please feel free to tell me or him like it is.
[color:"blue"] [/color]