OK, My d-day was in Dec. and since then I have had some very big ups and downs...which I can see is normal. Now, my H is doing all he can to prove to me that he is being true, and that he loves me, but I have been in this "funk" for about two weeks now and cannot seem to get out.
It all started with a MC session that we had. We discussed the fact that he did choose me(which I still say we don't know for sure, b/c the OW dumped him, and he asked her not to for a couple of days), and that I was not worthless to him at the time, and that he still thought of me as his soulmate, bestfriend, love of his life..and even told that to the OW. My point is how in the *ell can you feel that way about someone and still purposely have an affair? Yes, he did not do it to hurt me, I know that..but he still made a choice to do it when supposably I meant so much to him...and he claims that he did not feel any guilt for it until she broke it off. How do I get past that?
Also, he told her that he loved her, when he says he was just doing it b/c she wanted to hear it...so does that make the "I love you" a meaningless phrase to him...something just to be said to make somebody else feel good. That makes me feel like **it..b/c how do I know that when he is telling me that he is not just saying it. His words become meaningless..plus at the end, he did feel love for her..so then the phrase is no longer meaningless, but now he has given away his love, too.
So in my mind he has given away everything that we held special about us..sex, love, and friendship.
Now he tells me that I am not sharing how I feel anymore...which is probably true, b/c everytime I do, he comes back with this hopeless line how I will never be happy with him again, and that he knows I will never forgive him. And I admit, I can be pretty harsh...another reason I try not to talk to him when I am in these moods..b/c even though my heart is breaking, I do not want to verbally abuse him in any way.
He also, told me today that it is not normal to be in this "pissy" mood for 2 weeks when you are four months out from d-day. He says that he reads on here(yes, he does read on here), how everybody has shorter bad times as time goes on, and mine is not normal...so I ask..is it? Am I just wierd? Am I getting worse?
I do admit for some anger hanging on this week, but last week, my funk was all about the fact that I can see that we are sooo incompatible. We just like different things...and he and the OW had much more in common. I think to myself that he probably would have been happier with her. She must have been awfully special for him to forget about this person that was worth so much to him, right?
OK, now that I have vented...and if you have read all of this...Thank you....I would appreciate any advice. Even if it is just for my H to see that I am normal, or me to see that I need to "get over it". Yes, my H will read this, so please feel free to tell me or him like it is.

[color:"blue"] [/color]

I fully understand just how you feel. All I can think about is that when he was an alien he saw things different and did not know what he was doing. My WH - who is no longer an alien can not for the life of him remember the horrible things he did or said. It is like he thinks he was mr wonderful for 2 + years when he was the most horrible person. I hated to have him come home. His abuse was so painful. Just his looks when he looked at me. He did not even notice I had lost tons of weight. When he woke up as I call it he was shocked. He only noticed when someone asked if I had cancer and was dying. Yeah I had OW cancer and was dying inside everyday. I found out when his A was ending. I too do not trust him and wonder the same things. How can they say I always loved you when they were saying it to someone else. How can you expect me to just put everything aside and be so happy again. How do I trust you again. I just want to scream OK Magic Man fix ME. I guess 4 months is not long enough and we need more time. If he is coming here to read then he needs to read how long it takes to get over things. I know I have a hard time telling my H my inner feelings and sometimes have to explain I have triggers. He wants me to but you know how do you trust them with your deeper thoughts and fears. I to wonder everytime he says I love you and at times have to stop myself from saying Yeah right.I am trying to have a more postive attitude it is so dam hard. You are not weird or wrong he was the one who was wrong. Mine even bought me a emerald ring with diamonds. He said emeralds stand for eternal love. He bought it 2 weeks after I found out. I call it my cheat ring -How can he say he loves me that much -when he loved someone else -maybe becasuse he was someone else an Alien?

inDenial -

First of all ((((HUGS)))) to you.

Sad, but glad, you found MB.

Biggest thing I have to say is that four months past d-day is very, very early in the recovery period. Your two weeks of "pissy" seems perfectly normal to me especially since the A was recently discussed in MC. It's a lot of information to sort through, think about and process. Plus it HURTS!

Of course, you don't want to take your hurt out on your H with LB's, etc., but it's okay to let the other person know you are down or feeling blue or whatever because of what you've just learned.

All I can tell you is that I'm 22 months out from d-day and I still have some rough days. While my head is finally beginning to understand that I will never understand the A (or what happened, was said, etc. during the A), my heart hasn't caught up yet. It can take around two years to heal...maybe longer depending on the person.

It isn't until a BS sees consistent accountibility, honesty and communication plus can feel security and love for XX period of time (varies by individual) that the rough spots are farther apart and do not last as long.

If your H is reading those kinds of posts on MB, then I've missed them all. It sounds like you are at the right spot on the recovery timeline.

More ((((HUGS)))) for you.

Take care.

sss

Thank you for the quick replies.
I wish that I believed in the Alien thing, but I am much more of a you are accountable person, and cannot understand his excuse of I just got caught up in it. To me there is no logical reason why he couldn't have said to her...you know what, I can not continue this frienship if you want more...I am married, and I love my wife sooo much that I cannot jeopodize what we have. Then after the first time he had sex with her, when he realized that there were feelings there, that he couldn't say...woaah....this is more than I thought...can't do it...goodbye...I just don't buy that he was under some alien spell...it comes down to the fact that he wanted it plain and simple and that he chose not to do anything about it.
Maybe some WS can clue me in, but I don't think so. I could completely understand his feelings if he and I had a bad marriage, or even one where a lot of EN were not being met..but he admits himself that that was not the case... so, then I am left with he was just plain selfish...for no good reason.
I know, I am hard on him, i do not give him any slack...I know that is a major problem I have, but I told him for year how I felt about cheaters, and it was never good...now he is one, and I have to look at him everyday thinking about the mess he made, and how I need to clean it up. How unfair is that?