Will I ever feel good again? - 05/16/05 03:26 PM
Here I sit trying to live on without WH in our lives.I guess I hoped that when he left and lived on his own that he would be happier and would follow through with the kids.
In our separation agreement summer holidays are supposed to be decided by May 1st. He was granted 4 weeks in the summer, and right off the bat he booked two of those weeks and arranged to send the kids to his parents.I thought that was a cop out so he wouldn't have to deal with them on a daily basis. He has never done that. He still has two weeks to arrange for. Well he never talked about what weeks he wanted and I was offered a cabin anytime I wanted. I booked one week in July and one week in August. I own my own business so can't be gone for great lengths of time. The summer is busy for catering. I emailed WH to let hin know about those weeks and to tell him that with the kids going to their regular summer camp two weeks that he was left with one week in July and one week in August.
WH is constantly complaining to me that he can't take the kids when he is working and has no money to take them anywhere. He gets 4 weeks holiday's a year!
Well he emails me to tell me he is not available that week in August as he will be "away". I am pi$$ed because I know he has booked a holiday with OW.I responded that I know he is going away with OW and what a bunch of crap it is that he can do that but not step up to the plate for the kids.
This is his response and my reply:
Quote from WH email to me:
Shelly I am learning through all of this and I do want to consult and coordinate with you, I do ask for the oportunity to recover from mistakes, particularely when the children are involved.
This path that you make reference to is not about Kelly as much as it may be tempting to look at it from that perspective. I am not going to live my life in anticipation of future regret or in looking at past mistakes, what I do want, is to live my life as a thoughtful and conscious person who cares about what I am doing and takes responsibility for my impact moment to moment.
I love my my family and I need you to know and support that love to the degree that you can. This has not been easy and you blaming and judging me along each turn does not support how I show up, I will overcome the challenges and do the right things
My reply:
Your words sound really terrific, I think that it is how you really want life to be in theory but this is about making choices and taking time you have in a way that is not thoughtful and conscious in any way what so ever. I know that I am probably the only person in your life who calls you on this perspective, that is why you feel stressed whenever we speak. I guess I was hoping that the responsibities would be shared once you were on your own. I am learning that my road in life is to be the rock for the children and I will try to be forgving that you are not able to act in ways that support this families needs other than monetary. You do the best that you can. I hope that no matter what happens that you will continue to financially support us so that their foundation is solid and not at risk! Most people tell me they expect you to leave and be done with us and that I need to make sure I can support us, if that happens I guess I would have to find a way to keep a roof over our heads.
I know I need to come to terms that I lived in a fantasy of who I thought I was married to for so many years and that is what I am grieving. That fantasy was never a fact, and I have to deal with the emotions that I carry. I always lived for the next day or the next year thinking that it would shift. Now I need to be the foundation that the kids will have until they are ready to be on their own.
I realize that I need to allow them to make their own choices about their relationship with you and what that looks like. I will take a step back and allow them to know that this is their home 24/7 and they can choose to see you or not of their own volition and desire. I cannot and will not continue this fight to make them go where they don't want to go. The ball is in your court.
So I ask did I say the right thing? I am so tired of trying to build the bridge between the kids and their dad. He has acted in self gratifying ways for so many years that he thinks that it is his due in life! I have always been the parent who organized and held the responsibility for them.
I continually feel hurt and disappointed that he is not the man that I thought he was or the man I love. I am having such a hard time with the OW in his life. How do I get over the rejected heart and the feeling of being tossed aside like piece of tainted meat! I am so sick of this "life coach babble" I get every time I try to talk about the realities of life!
Sometimes I think it would be best if he just disappeared and I never had to see him ever again!
What can I do?
In our separation agreement summer holidays are supposed to be decided by May 1st. He was granted 4 weeks in the summer, and right off the bat he booked two of those weeks and arranged to send the kids to his parents.I thought that was a cop out so he wouldn't have to deal with them on a daily basis. He has never done that. He still has two weeks to arrange for. Well he never talked about what weeks he wanted and I was offered a cabin anytime I wanted. I booked one week in July and one week in August. I own my own business so can't be gone for great lengths of time. The summer is busy for catering. I emailed WH to let hin know about those weeks and to tell him that with the kids going to their regular summer camp two weeks that he was left with one week in July and one week in August.
WH is constantly complaining to me that he can't take the kids when he is working and has no money to take them anywhere. He gets 4 weeks holiday's a year!
Well he emails me to tell me he is not available that week in August as he will be "away". I am pi$$ed because I know he has booked a holiday with OW.I responded that I know he is going away with OW and what a bunch of crap it is that he can do that but not step up to the plate for the kids.
This is his response and my reply:
Quote from WH email to me:
Shelly I am learning through all of this and I do want to consult and coordinate with you, I do ask for the oportunity to recover from mistakes, particularely when the children are involved.
This path that you make reference to is not about Kelly as much as it may be tempting to look at it from that perspective. I am not going to live my life in anticipation of future regret or in looking at past mistakes, what I do want, is to live my life as a thoughtful and conscious person who cares about what I am doing and takes responsibility for my impact moment to moment.
I love my my family and I need you to know and support that love to the degree that you can. This has not been easy and you blaming and judging me along each turn does not support how I show up, I will overcome the challenges and do the right things
My reply:
Your words sound really terrific, I think that it is how you really want life to be in theory but this is about making choices and taking time you have in a way that is not thoughtful and conscious in any way what so ever. I know that I am probably the only person in your life who calls you on this perspective, that is why you feel stressed whenever we speak. I guess I was hoping that the responsibities would be shared once you were on your own. I am learning that my road in life is to be the rock for the children and I will try to be forgving that you are not able to act in ways that support this families needs other than monetary. You do the best that you can. I hope that no matter what happens that you will continue to financially support us so that their foundation is solid and not at risk! Most people tell me they expect you to leave and be done with us and that I need to make sure I can support us, if that happens I guess I would have to find a way to keep a roof over our heads.
I know I need to come to terms that I lived in a fantasy of who I thought I was married to for so many years and that is what I am grieving. That fantasy was never a fact, and I have to deal with the emotions that I carry. I always lived for the next day or the next year thinking that it would shift. Now I need to be the foundation that the kids will have until they are ready to be on their own.
I realize that I need to allow them to make their own choices about their relationship with you and what that looks like. I will take a step back and allow them to know that this is their home 24/7 and they can choose to see you or not of their own volition and desire. I cannot and will not continue this fight to make them go where they don't want to go. The ball is in your court.
So I ask did I say the right thing? I am so tired of trying to build the bridge between the kids and their dad. He has acted in self gratifying ways for so many years that he thinks that it is his due in life! I have always been the parent who organized and held the responsibility for them.
I continually feel hurt and disappointed that he is not the man that I thought he was or the man I love. I am having such a hard time with the OW in his life. How do I get over the rejected heart and the feeling of being tossed aside like piece of tainted meat! I am so sick of this "life coach babble" I get every time I try to talk about the realities of life!
Sometimes I think it would be best if he just disappeared and I never had to see him ever again!
What can I do?