Here I sit trying to live on without WH in our lives.I guess I hoped that when he left and lived on his own that he would be happier and would follow through with the kids.

In our separation agreement summer holidays are supposed to be decided by May 1st. He was granted 4 weeks in the summer, and right off the bat he booked two of those weeks and arranged to send the kids to his parents.I thought that was a cop out so he wouldn't have to deal with them on a daily basis. He has never done that. He still has two weeks to arrange for. Well he never talked about what weeks he wanted and I was offered a cabin anytime I wanted. I booked one week in July and one week in August. I own my own business so can't be gone for great lengths of time. The summer is busy for catering. I emailed WH to let hin know about those weeks and to tell him that with the kids going to their regular summer camp two weeks that he was left with one week in July and one week in August.

WH is constantly complaining to me that he can't take the kids when he is working and has no money to take them anywhere. He gets 4 weeks holiday's a year!

Well he emails me to tell me he is not available that week in August as he will be "away". I am pi$$ed because I know he has booked a holiday with OW.I responded that I know he is going away with OW and what a bunch of crap it is that he can do that but not step up to the plate for the kids.

This is his response and my reply:

Quote from WH email to me:
Shelly I am learning through all of this and I do want to consult and coordinate with you, I do ask for the oportunity to recover from mistakes, particularely when the children are involved.

This path that you make reference to is not about Kelly as much as it may be tempting to look at it from that perspective. I am not going to live my life in anticipation of future regret or in looking at past mistakes, what I do want, is to live my life as a thoughtful and conscious person who cares about what I am doing and takes responsibility for my impact moment to moment.

I love my my family and I need you to know and support that love to the degree that you can. This has not been easy and you blaming and judging me along each turn does not support how I show up, I will overcome the challenges and do the right things


My reply:
Your words sound really terrific, I think that it is how you really want life to be in theory but this is about making choices and taking time you have in a way that is not thoughtful and conscious in any way what so ever. I know that I am probably the only person in your life who calls you on this perspective, that is why you feel stressed whenever we speak. I guess I was hoping that the responsibities would be shared once you were on your own. I am learning that my road in life is to be the rock for the children and I will try to be forgving that you are not able to act in ways that support this families needs other than monetary. You do the best that you can. I hope that no matter what happens that you will continue to financially support us so that their foundation is solid and not at risk! Most people tell me they expect you to leave and be done with us and that I need to make sure I can support us, if that happens I guess I would have to find a way to keep a roof over our heads.

I know I need to come to terms that I lived in a fantasy of who I thought I was married to for so many years and that is what I am grieving. That fantasy was never a fact, and I have to deal with the emotions that I carry. I always lived for the next day or the next year thinking that it would shift. Now I need to be the foundation that the kids will have until they are ready to be on their own.

I realize that I need to allow them to make their own choices about their relationship with you and what that looks like. I will take a step back and allow them to know that this is their home 24/7 and they can choose to see you or not of their own volition and desire. I cannot and will not continue this fight to make them go where they don't want to go. The ball is in your court.


So I ask did I say the right thing? I am so tired of trying to build the bridge between the kids and their dad. He has acted in self gratifying ways for so many years that he thinks that it is his due in life! I have always been the parent who organized and held the responsibility for them.

I continually feel hurt and disappointed that he is not the man that I thought he was or the man I love. I am having such a hard time with the OW in his life. How do I get over the rejected heart and the feeling of being tossed aside like piece of tainted meat! I am so sick of this "life coach babble" I get every time I try to talk about the realities of life!

Sometimes I think it would be best if he just disappeared and I never had to see him ever again!

What can I do?

I'm not sure why I don''t get responses to my postings. Is it the way I write or am I out in left field? Maybe I am seeing this all wrong and I should just let go of my M.

I love my WH so much and my heart breaks every day that he is not here. He is making plans to spend some time in the summer with the OW who is from the US and I am upset that he has made no effort to take time to be with his children during the holiday summer. He complains he doesn't know how to or that he can't take the time or that he doesn't have $. Yet he has all of those when he wants to spend time with her!

He called me last night to tell me that he would talk with the kids over the weekend about what to do. During the conversation he told me that he hated being alone in his new place, that he was always alone and that he had, for the first time, actually thought about suicide. He knows that I love him and that I would welcome him to work with me on the marriage yet he still thinks what he is doing is better for us all! Why? He says he loves me the same as he ever did but that we were just not good together! How do I convince him that we might just be able to find ways to correct that with MC? Why would he prefer to be where he is and why does he have a relationship with the OW who lives so far away, a relationship that I can't see ever working to give him what he wants?

I was suppposed to be in Plan B and I was for awhile. It was easy at first but with no middleman it has become almost impossible to continue with the issues I have had with the kids. I wonder if I would be more effective going back to Plan A. Maybe it would have some effect because the OW is not in this country and their contact can''t possibly be giving him what he needs.

Which way should I go, I am so confused again!

Hi Shelly,

Its tough. I definitely think you need to put some boundaries in place with your WH and start focusing your energy on yourself and your children instead of him. You can't control his behaviour or change his choices. If he chooses to harm his relationship with his children there is nothing you can do other than be there for your kids. I get the feeling you need to distance yourself from his behaviour.

Work on yourself and getting your life under control and maybe by then he'll have "seen the light". I think you want to do plan A but need to do plan B. But don't take my word for it as I'm not plan A-B expert (I did neither!).

Just my opinion and trust me I know all this is way easier to say than do... I've been there.

Good luck and be strong!

Miker

Shelly,
I know exactly what you are talking about on the responses thing. Sometimes I feel like a real loser responding to my own threads. I have had some good advice and I know there are people on here that care, so I dont take it personally and neither should you. We just have to keep in mind that everyone on here has their own sitch that they are dealing with and this life isnt easy on anyone.
I know what you are saying about the WS not being happy yet they continue to ignore the obvious answer to what gives them the best chance of being happy. My WW is now upset with me because I didnt roll over and play dead on what I offered for a settlement agreement. Big surprise huh? I dont want the D, why should I make it easy on her to get a D? Now she is really rattling the saber. Guess I am at a point now where I have to fight fire with all the firepower I have. I guess there is no longer any hope fro reconciliation, and it is all about protecting myself.
Anyway, hang in there and be strong for yourself and your kids. We will all survive this and come out better people for it. God Bless!




"the wheels are turning on the last train to Amsterdam"
Ray Wylie Hubbard

Gosh Shelly, can I borrow your letter? Our WH must be clones. All alone and detached from their kids. My WH seems to only have OW and a middleaged, commitment-a-phobic work friend to talk to.

Your WH like mine, is in complete denial. They say they love their family but don't have a clue. They have no idea of the impact that their actions have. It's not moment to moment; it's for the rest of our kids' lives.

We are our children's rock. Given a choice, I'm not sure how much our kids will choose to communicate with their dads. Yes, these dads are doing the best they can. It just seemed like more when they were home every night. My older son calls his dad "a wallet".

I'm glad I'm here for my kids. I'm glad my WH is willing to support us. I think it might be easier to move on knowing that I've been doing the right thing.

Hi Miker,

Thanks for talking to me! I know you are right, I do need to distance myself for sure! I continually get lip service but not alot of follow through. Like the reply below he sent to me about the kids. sounds good but.....!!!!

"Do not exclude me as being part of their life or of letting go of expectations that they are "scheduled" to spend time with me, you do not have to push or preach on it, I have a responsibility to make it happen."

I know it takes time to get over the expectations and lvoe we have for our mates. How long did you go through the actual pained heart? Or are you still there?

If I didn't know better I would think you were the OW husband, his name is Michael also. Same age and similar children's ages. Are you sure you don't live in Arizona? (LOL) That would not be funny at all!!!
I have been toying with calling him and seeing where he is at in all this. I wonder if she has left or is planning to so she can be with my H? Should I call, would you have wanted that if it was you?

Again, thanks for your ears!

Thanks WasCrushed, I know everyone is caught up in their own life dramas. It does make it hard to offer advice when you are not sure what to do about yourself!

I wish you the best, some of them will never wake up! You can''t make anyone happy but yourself! Hopefully some day we will find a love that is real and honorable, even if it is only with ourselves!

Hi GG,

Feel free! As mentioned many times before, they all read the same script!

All I know is that he is so involved with himself that he can't possible love anyone else in a complete way. The man I knew and loved is gone and I have to come to terms that he may never return again!

Mid life is hard, some escape and some find ways to climb the mountain to experience the achievement of getting there!

I will be climbing mine by myself I guess! I turn 50 in two weeks and I am feeling so many mixed up emotions about being where I am now when it should of been clear sailing from here on in!

Thanks for listening and we will both be the rock and beacon for our children. That is a blessing undisguised!!!

I amnot sure about doing a better plan B or ? I will think on that for a while longer. How is yours going?

Shelly,

I'm definitely not your OWH as I don't live in Arizona but in fact live in Canada. Although I am an OWH though. In my situation I was really curious about my OMW and did have her phone number and came close to calling her a number of times. If he doesn't know about the affair you definitely need to tell him. In my case I just threatened my WW to tell OMW and that got OM talking to OMW real quick. I've heard through the rumour mill that they have since dissolved their marriage too. Hope OM and WW are happy they've destoryed 2 marriages and left 4 children with broken families. I'm sure it seemed like a fun idea at the time. (okay now I'm starting to get mad!!)

If OWH already knows about the A then I think talking to him may be useful if you need someone to collaborate the web of lies with so you can sort out what the real truth is. Other than that I'd suggest you leave it alone if it is just curiosity and focus on your own life instead. You need to distance yourself from the drama and getting involved with OWH will just drag you further into it. IMHO

As far as timing of the emotional stuff goes... hmmmm I think I finally started to stop obsessing about it in earnest around the end of March which is about 10 months from DDay. I can't say that there was a significant event that moved it along, but I definitely wanted that and it just seemed to happen. Maybe positive thinking? Who knows! I had to start putting up boundaries cause WW was determined to cake eat as much as I would let her and it was driving me bonkers.

Hang in there and I'm sure you'll get there!

Miker

Shelly, you cannot force a relationship between your kids and your WH. Do exactly what you said to him in the email, the ball is in HIS court. You do the best you can by your kids and don't let him force you into changing your plans. {{Shelly}}