I finally found the courage to contact the OW! - 06/01/05 03:00 PM
I have been thinking about this for a very long time! Torn between not wanting to look like I was a desparate wife, weak and afraid or coming off as so angry and bitter. I have waited for 6 long months pondering the wisdom of this move.
Well, I wrote and sent the following email to her last night and I slept like a baby afterwards. I really needed her to know I was real and that our family used to be real too! I also BCC a copy to her husband (I found out she left him and moved out, I assume the kids are at their home with dad by what WH has mentioned)
(beginning of letter)
"How do I start?
The best place I know is to say "I love my husband" We have had almost 20 years together, I know him better than he knows himself. My love is constant and unwavering, it is also painful at this time. He tells me he still loves me as always, but that we are not good together. I believe our marriage could be anything we wanted it to be, and I would work with him if he chose that path ! We have had many great times and many tough times, I thought we were in it for the long haul, he was that kind of man; a person with integrity and a strong sense of morality. That is one of the reasons that I fell in love with him so very long ago. We all have weaknesses in our souls, his continues to be his great need for constant acknowledgement and admiration. It drives him to look outside instead of loving who he truly is and to be okay with that very fine person that he was and still is somewhere inside himself.
You know him in a different setting and I think it is a setting that is sugar coated and very unreal in its expectations and its existence. I am sure you have and are continuing to have ongoing issues that you are also personally dealing with. I think that is why people seek out these coaching program and others like it. A great need for validation feeds this ongoing search outside yourselves. Unfortunately the search is conducted in a manner that does not relate to the very real world and real lives. You have both left behind very real responsibilities and people who should have been the most important focus. My children and I will never be the same, we have lost something very profound in our lives. Our friends who have loved him do not understand him, they think he has gone off the deep end and is thick into mid life crisis! The relate it like him being in a cult!
Jim has been going through some very real emotional upheavals over the last few years, and you are not the first woman he though he was in love with. He had an affair with my best friend 2 1/2 years ago. They also thought they were in love. It came about from the very same needs he has now, it was so sad that we did not search out the answer for our issues at that time. I thought if I forgave him and we moved forward that all would be fine. That was not to be! We both have problems that were never exorcised and we could not find a way to communicate our needs. I always believed that if I just waited long enough, loved enough and supported him that he would find a way to be happy again.My mistake, I should have insisted on counselling together back then!
I wonder what possible good can come from your relationship with my husband? Do you plan to leave your children and go to him? The man I know could not respect that decision in the long run! He has promised me that he will not be leaving his children to go to you, so what is to be gained for you both. Emotional support to each other to get you over the exit from your marriages? Affairs only lead to long term relationships 4% of the time and of those only 1 in 4 survive 5 years. There is more heartache on the horizon I think! Even if you did somehow survive what does he have to offer you? He has the responsibility of 3 children to take care of, plus he is obligated to support me as well. I can't imagine him taking on the added chore of your two children, he has trouble relating the ones he created as it is now.
I am a very loving, loyal wonderful woman. I have very many admirable qualities that he will find hard to replace. I hope he understands what he has lost but he probably will not for a long time yet. I have decided to move forward and to allow him to make his own way, what ever that may be! I will be happy with or with out him, I am on my way! I have wanted to explain my position to you for a long time now and now is the time for me to say my peace!
God be with you...."
(end of letter)
I am sure WH will find out fairly quickly. Do not know what the reaction will be but it will be his to deal with.
I am on the fence as to whether I even want this marriage anymore. I am so hopeless when I see the seemingly irrevocable changes in my WH personality and character. I do not love that man anymore!
What is your opinion on this bold move I made? Will this backfire on me? I am seeing an IC and I will be happy with or without him, but I still love my H but really do not see a future with him.
Calm but sad.....
Well, I wrote and sent the following email to her last night and I slept like a baby afterwards. I really needed her to know I was real and that our family used to be real too! I also BCC a copy to her husband (I found out she left him and moved out, I assume the kids are at their home with dad by what WH has mentioned)
(beginning of letter)
"How do I start?
The best place I know is to say "I love my husband" We have had almost 20 years together, I know him better than he knows himself. My love is constant and unwavering, it is also painful at this time. He tells me he still loves me as always, but that we are not good together. I believe our marriage could be anything we wanted it to be, and I would work with him if he chose that path ! We have had many great times and many tough times, I thought we were in it for the long haul, he was that kind of man; a person with integrity and a strong sense of morality. That is one of the reasons that I fell in love with him so very long ago. We all have weaknesses in our souls, his continues to be his great need for constant acknowledgement and admiration. It drives him to look outside instead of loving who he truly is and to be okay with that very fine person that he was and still is somewhere inside himself.
You know him in a different setting and I think it is a setting that is sugar coated and very unreal in its expectations and its existence. I am sure you have and are continuing to have ongoing issues that you are also personally dealing with. I think that is why people seek out these coaching program and others like it. A great need for validation feeds this ongoing search outside yourselves. Unfortunately the search is conducted in a manner that does not relate to the very real world and real lives. You have both left behind very real responsibilities and people who should have been the most important focus. My children and I will never be the same, we have lost something very profound in our lives. Our friends who have loved him do not understand him, they think he has gone off the deep end and is thick into mid life crisis! The relate it like him being in a cult!
Jim has been going through some very real emotional upheavals over the last few years, and you are not the first woman he though he was in love with. He had an affair with my best friend 2 1/2 years ago. They also thought they were in love. It came about from the very same needs he has now, it was so sad that we did not search out the answer for our issues at that time. I thought if I forgave him and we moved forward that all would be fine. That was not to be! We both have problems that were never exorcised and we could not find a way to communicate our needs. I always believed that if I just waited long enough, loved enough and supported him that he would find a way to be happy again.My mistake, I should have insisted on counselling together back then!
I wonder what possible good can come from your relationship with my husband? Do you plan to leave your children and go to him? The man I know could not respect that decision in the long run! He has promised me that he will not be leaving his children to go to you, so what is to be gained for you both. Emotional support to each other to get you over the exit from your marriages? Affairs only lead to long term relationships 4% of the time and of those only 1 in 4 survive 5 years. There is more heartache on the horizon I think! Even if you did somehow survive what does he have to offer you? He has the responsibility of 3 children to take care of, plus he is obligated to support me as well. I can't imagine him taking on the added chore of your two children, he has trouble relating the ones he created as it is now.
I am a very loving, loyal wonderful woman. I have very many admirable qualities that he will find hard to replace. I hope he understands what he has lost but he probably will not for a long time yet. I have decided to move forward and to allow him to make his own way, what ever that may be! I will be happy with or with out him, I am on my way! I have wanted to explain my position to you for a long time now and now is the time for me to say my peace!
God be with you...."
(end of letter)
I am sure WH will find out fairly quickly. Do not know what the reaction will be but it will be his to deal with.
I am on the fence as to whether I even want this marriage anymore. I am so hopeless when I see the seemingly irrevocable changes in my WH personality and character. I do not love that man anymore!
What is your opinion on this bold move I made? Will this backfire on me? I am seeing an IC and I will be happy with or without him, but I still love my H but really do not see a future with him.
Calm but sad.....