I have been thinking about this for a very long time! Torn between not wanting to look like I was a desparate wife, weak and afraid or coming off as so angry and bitter. I have waited for 6 long months pondering the wisdom of this move.

Well, I wrote and sent the following email to her last night and I slept like a baby afterwards. I really needed her to know I was real and that our family used to be real too! I also BCC a copy to her husband (I found out she left him and moved out, I assume the kids are at their home with dad by what WH has mentioned)

(beginning of letter)
"How do I start?

The best place I know is to say "I love my husband" We have had almost 20 years together, I know him better than he knows himself. My love is constant and unwavering, it is also painful at this time. He tells me he still loves me as always, but that we are not good together. I believe our marriage could be anything we wanted it to be, and I would work with him if he chose that path ! We have had many great times and many tough times, I thought we were in it for the long haul, he was that kind of man; a person with integrity and a strong sense of morality. That is one of the reasons that I fell in love with him so very long ago. We all have weaknesses in our souls, his continues to be his great need for constant acknowledgement and admiration. It drives him to look outside instead of loving who he truly is and to be okay with that very fine person that he was and still is somewhere inside himself.

You know him in a different setting and I think it is a setting that is sugar coated and very unreal in its expectations and its existence. I am sure you have and are continuing to have ongoing issues that you are also personally dealing with. I think that is why people seek out these coaching program and others like it. A great need for validation feeds this ongoing search outside yourselves. Unfortunately the search is conducted in a manner that does not relate to the very real world and real lives. You have both left behind very real responsibilities and people who should have been the most important focus. My children and I will never be the same, we have lost something very profound in our lives. Our friends who have loved him do not understand him, they think he has gone off the deep end and is thick into mid life crisis! The relate it like him being in a cult!

Jim has been going through some very real emotional upheavals over the last few years, and you are not the first woman he though he was in love with. He had an affair with my best friend 2 1/2 years ago. They also thought they were in love. It came about from the very same needs he has now, it was so sad that we did not search out the answer for our issues at that time. I thought if I forgave him and we moved forward that all would be fine. That was not to be! We both have problems that were never exorcised and we could not find a way to communicate our needs. I always believed that if I just waited long enough, loved enough and supported him that he would find a way to be happy again.My mistake, I should have insisted on counselling together back then!

I wonder what possible good can come from your relationship with my husband? Do you plan to leave your children and go to him? The man I know could not respect that decision in the long run! He has promised me that he will not be leaving his children to go to you, so what is to be gained for you both. Emotional support to each other to get you over the exit from your marriages? Affairs only lead to long term relationships 4% of the time and of those only 1 in 4 survive 5 years. There is more heartache on the horizon I think! Even if you did somehow survive what does he have to offer you? He has the responsibility of 3 children to take care of, plus he is obligated to support me as well. I can't imagine him taking on the added chore of your two children, he has trouble relating the ones he created as it is now.

I am a very loving, loyal wonderful woman. I have very many admirable qualities that he will find hard to replace. I hope he understands what he has lost but he probably will not for a long time yet. I have decided to move forward and to allow him to make his own way, what ever that may be! I will be happy with or with out him, I am on my way! I have wanted to explain my position to you for a long time now and now is the time for me to say my peace!

God be with you...."
(end of letter)

I am sure WH will find out fairly quickly. Do not know what the reaction will be but it will be his to deal with.

I am on the fence as to whether I even want this marriage anymore. I am so hopeless when I see the seemingly irrevocable changes in my WH personality and character. I do not love that man anymore!

What is your opinion on this bold move I made? Will this backfire on me? I am seeing an IC and I will be happy with or without him, but I still love my H but really do not see a future with him.

Calm but sad.....

I think you give away too much of yourself in this letter.

VERY brief and no personal details ....

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Pepperband,

Not sure what you mean and why that would not be a good thing? Can you expand for me?

Quite frankly

if OW gave a ratsazz what you or your children think/feel/suffer ... she'd have stepped out a long time ago.

You are speaking into deaf ears .... and not only that, but you reveal some private detail of your married life that are none of her damn business and she may very well betray this confidence in a number of nefarious ways. She is not an upstanding woman of character at this time ... and thus, she should not be trusted with your revelations of any of your marital weaknesses.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I think what I wanted to do was to let her know that WH is not the knight in shining armour that I am sure he portrays. If he had other affairs she is not special!

I know that I shared alot but that is who I am and I have always been who I am. Honest and open with my heart. Maybe that should tell me something.. hmmmmm. Maybe it never has worked well for me and I should be less responsive in my forthcoming nature?

She will not believe you over the fantasy she prefers.


She will take this as evidence that you are doing such a poor job of being a wife that your poor misunderstood husband is driven away to seek comfort outside the home. This will spin off not in your favor I'm afraid.


Open and honest with the OW soiling your marriage is like showing the enemy your war plan before battle.

She is the enemy of your marriage, and you shared your heart with her.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

So what do I do now? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

In time she will find out that what I say is true and she will have to deal with her and his demons then. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I really did feel better once I got it off my chest and sent it. so I guess in some way it was okay for me overall.

I do not think that he is going to come back anyways so I am moving on without him. She can deal with him from here on in!

I am in the throes of trying to decide if I want to fight anymore, how does one decide when everyday is different? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Hi Shelly,

You can't go back now since you already sent the e-mail but I do agree with Pep.I am in favor more of a nuclear blast(which I did 2 times) to OP than an insightful,"heart to heart".You have to remember who you are dealing with.It's like asking a murderer to be sympathetic toward the victim he just shot.It's just not there or,like pep said,this homewrecking OW would have ended it or not even been involved if she were any decent kind of human being.

What is going on inside you is personal.She has no right or business knowing anything about you.She is well aware you exisit but it matters not.If you must contact her again,lay reality on the line: she is a homewrecker.

O

What do you do now?

Enjoy your day and be happy ... and do not have expectations that you magically changed the heart of this woman. I spent a long time on another board where OW posted frequently ... and hunny, they post up this sort of letter from the wounded wife and make jokes and laugh. There is no sense of 'sisterhood' with the wife of "my OM" as they refer to another woman's husband. The darkness is very black where they live.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

When she replies, simply ignore it.
DO NOT RESPOND TO HER!!!

As Pep said, she will come back and say it's not her fault, it's yours!
Ignore it 'cause it will simply turn into a pi$$ing contest.

How very brave of you. Although Pep is right about the type of woman the OW is, that you have given her too much personal stuff about yourself and your marriage, there is nothing to remedy that now. You can, however, work with what you have and go forward.

If you feel the need to write anything again, post it here for comments from the "experts."

Have you read Plan A and Plan B on this site? Plan B states Going Dark. You have shot your cannon, now withdraw and let the two of them clean up the mess.

Sending a BCC to the OWH was a good move. Don't be surprised if he contacts you. Who knows, he could prove to be an ally in getting your marriage back on track. - that is, if he wants his wife back after all this.

Sorry for the mess you are in. But Pepperband is a good strategist and there are others here who will be helpful.

I so agree with PEP and O about communications with the OW.

My question to you though is: Why is it that you do not want to fight for your marriage?

Why not put the emotional energy that you put into writing the letter into fignting for your marriage?

That would mean, Do PLAN B, including PLAN B letter to your WH. Then, set about working on becoming the best YOU that YOU can be. You are a QUEEN, A GODDESS compared to her. She will never be able to attain your status. We don't want you to lower yourself to her gutter level!

Shelly..there is no way possible to either guilt or scare ow from the relationship. It has to die naturally.

They've rationalized every aspect of their relationship even convincing themselves the children will be happier if their parents are happy..a classic.

The past affair will mean nothing to her for she feels as if she is special and they've discovered a love that is greater than any before. From time to time there's a post around that describes just that-how she's special and he won't do to her what he's done to you and vice versa. I think Pep may has access to it.

The last paragraph of this letter has given them permission to continue in the destruction of two families and the emotional stability of the children involved. It's best to leave her alone. Don't allow your words to be twisted to their satisfaction. I think you're expecting decency from a person who is not capable of having such a characteristic. I wholeheartedly agree with everyone who has posted here. Leave her alone, don't respond if she's e-mails you and post here to get things off your chest. We'll empathize, she's not capable.

I know what you are all saying is correct. My heart has always tried to find the best in people and that is why I do things like this.

Why do I feel like giving up? Because WH is in no way open to reconcilliation, OW is 18 years younger that me and I am turning 50 on Saturday and am feeling lonely and old! I never thought I would be spending this milestone without the man I loved being with me.

I am having a great party (I am a caterer and know how to do it up!!) I have so many wonderful friends and my family who have all supported me through this. There is not one who thinks I should even consider taking him back! They say I have blossomed and look better than I ever have before. That I gave him too much and he took too much of me before! THe thought of having to go through more emotional turmoil should he want back is almost too much to think about! He hates my business, he thinks it I should get rid of it and get a real job! I love what I am doing. I always encouraged him to do his best in his career and he has done very well. Now he wants to take the best and give it to someone else who did not earn the right to enjoy it!

I had an IC appt yesterday, I asked her how I could get beyond the anger and bitterness. She said I had a right to be angry but if I wanted to feel better about things she could do some hypotherapy which would allow me to feel happier and less stressed. She did and I felt good afterwards. That is when I wrote the letter, must have worked too well!!! LOL

I have not received any acknowlegement from OW or WH or the OW H yet,but I am sure the phone lines are humming. They did spend their first alone weekend last weekend and I do think that set me up for bad thoughts. I just feel like I want to forget and move on these days!

Is there anyone out there that wrote to OW and got a response? What was the outcome?

I'm 55 .... you look just fine to me at 50 !

~LOL~

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I said far too much to OM on d-day. He mocked me in a letter to Squid afterwards.

I fixed that fast however. I called him back and made my displeasure very clear and the consequences of his current actions.

Thinking back I may hace actually BEGGED him on D-day.

* wince *

Two months later he was begging me not to expose him.

Thanks MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I spoke to the OM a couple days after finding out. I wasn't in the right frame of mind and it really didn't settle anything. I called left a message for him to call me and got no response. I could have forced him to talk to me, but I kind of wish I would have let it go. He means nothing to me, I just wanted to make it clear that he needed to stay away from my wife and family.

I also thought about contacting his girlfriend/roommate. But I just want them to disappear from my life. Well, sometimes I'd like to inform her of the truth of what was going on, but mostly I just want them to vanish.

I'm not talking to anyone, just kicking A$$. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Well I am done talking now also!

I have been in Plan B for awhile, haphazardly I may add. Now I will go totally black!

WH emailed saying he wanted to meet for drinks every two weeks to talk about the kids. I said no thanks, email is fine for me! I did reply that he might want to consider calling his children so that he knows more about their lives. He does not call between times he sees them unless they call him for something. He is missing their lives!

It really seems WH's become so focused on OW and their new lives that they conveniently forget they have children at all!

I am feeling very very weak right now, like I need a WH fix! Stop me from my impulses. I have this great need to want to know what is going on! Did he know I emailed OW? Does he care at all?!

Why can''t I go more than 1 hour without thinking about how much I miss him? When will this end? I wrote an email letter to him but have not sent it! I find myself thinking if he only knew how much I care and how much I have learned and have become a better woman, like if he knew he would care and want to talk about making our marriage work!!!!
I know I am having a bad day and I just want the feelings to go away!