My STBXWH took the kids to the pool yesterday, and there is this one lady who literally lives out there. Can't have a job as she is ALWAYS out there...well they were talking before. I even got home from work one day and they were "chatty"... YA know, WORK, it's what ADULTS have to do IRL to get by!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Keep in mind the is MY apartment complex and MY new home for myself and the children....

Well today OW #4 (5?) (6?) was sitting in his LAP! Kids said she and him spent the whole time together swimming and touching alot!!!! She would be on the boogey board and he on top of her "floating around"!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Later he calls DD13 up and tells her "not to tell Mom cause it'll upset her and OW#? is in a relationship anyway" (meaning she lives with a guy who obviously supports her and her daughter)!!! He told our 13 yr old to LIE to me!!

WHO is this MAN??? OMG I am so angry!

I am confused, I am dumbfounded.... I have no idea what to do with him now.

Trying to take the high road and I have not said one word about it to him... hardly talk to him anyway! DD13 is worried he will be mad if he finds out I know... FWIW she told me BEFORE he called her and told her not to.

The D will be filed as soon as I can come up with the other $1500 needed. The agreement is complete but not legal til it is filed in court. BTW, *this* violates our agreement!!!

The man has lost his mind and is driving me nuts! I am trying very hard to side-step all the drama but when he drags the kids smack dab in the middle he does NOT make that easy!!

Oh yeah, he is going to an amusement park with "work friends" which includes OW#3(?) this weekend... of course WITHOUT his children and while still owing me over $300 in CS this month!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

....OK, trying to JUST BREATHE!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Well, am I over-reacting?? No one responded and now I am thinking it is just me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

There is nothing for you to do but self soothe .... his choices have been consistently bad for awhile ... no surprise ... just recognition of an alien brain snatching...

I recently watched an old movie on TV ...

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers

it's from the 50s ... and it is STILL scary ... "pod people" .... this is the first thing that popped into my head when I read your post.

pod people

OK, so exactly when does the body stop being inhabited by aliens???!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I can't even look at the man when he drops off the kids, there is so much I want to say but know it is pointless!

This is NUTS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Not only is it "nuts"

it's like watching someone self-destruct

painful and pitiful

And afterwards

You get to swim peacefully

You are a very brave & strong woman

That Calm will be tangible sooooon

Hold on you are doing brilliantly

I SOOOO missed you K!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thx Pep, you are right... it is painful to watch his self-destruction!! I am hurting more from that than anything else right now... sorta shaking my head and wondering "WHY?"

The kids part bothers me too, but I am trying so hard to buffer it to the degree where they are able to understand. I am encouraging critical thinking on their part since the older two are able to see and understand. At the same time I know he loves them, just has about lost ALL touch with reality!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Now he is not going to the amusement park, not enough "response" but he is going bowling with them instead!! This only irks me cause #1 he STILL owes me $$$ and #2 we pretty much had stopped bowling due to his back issues... he "couldn't handle it"... The kids and I have been nearly every week since we moved out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am much more calm about it... trying very hard to work on my own spiritual maturity and I can't do well with that and worry about his antics, now can I?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

top ten things to say to tnt podperson

1. Oh by the way.... the pool manager called...he was taking up a collection because it seems there aren't enough chairs for people at the pool.

2. did the kids tell you that the apartment community was thinking about getting together a neighborhood watch seems there have been some real wierd acting men hanging around the pool

3. I read the funniest article the other day about boogie boards really fixing peoples back pain....

4. oooh the pools closed for a bit...something about delousing it after a repeated siting of some fungus...

5. next time he's around burst in to song Jimmy Buffetts...
FINS
Can't you feel 'em circlin' (closin'in) honey?
Can't you feel 'em swimmin' around?
You got fins to the left, fins to the right,
and your the only bait in town.
You got fins to the left, fins to the right,
and your the only girl in town.


6. tell him you can't quit laughing about an old saturday night live bit you caught.... with the two guys at the bar that try to hit on women...it seems sooo funny to you..but i guess you had to be there....or if more appriate refer him to the old steve martin bit...two wild and crazy guys!!!!!!!!!!

7. tell him that sunblock prevents sunburn much better than physically trying to block the rays and he should try it.

8. tell him the girls said the pool was disgusting when asked how their day went there with him the other day.....but wouldn't elaborate more ...and did he notice anything disgusting while there....

9 plead sympathy for him having to go to the pool and all those stay at home moms it must be sooo boring for him...batt eyes here....

10. tell him a boogey board company called and wanted to know if he would pilot a boogey board big enough for two....maybe even appear in some ads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tell him $%^# SQUAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARK

Nurse,

Are you in PlanB?

If not...it might be a good time.

When the kids start to tell you something about Dad...cut them off at the pass with a "unless it is something along the emergency level, Mom doesn't need to know".

It's time to remove yourself from all the stuff.

JMHO
committed

P.S. Be sure and get your CS garnished from his wages...whatever they may be. It's apparent that it is not a priority for him if he's recreating when he is in arrears.

TNT,

I understand your frustration. My WW decided to break our legal agreement just prior to signing as well by introducing the kids to OM while I was out of town without my consent. I almost lost it! (Actually I did lose it a bit, but my friends and family calmed me down)

I'd say you should very calmly tell your daughter that its not ok for her to lie to you, no matter whether your Dad thinks its ok or not. Lieing is wrong.

I'd also tell WH that its not ok for him to encourage your daughter to lie, but don't expect him to listen or do anything about it. So if its going to upset you, don't waste your breath.

Hang in there and make sure you stand up for what's right cause WH sure isn't!

Miker

You are so not over reacting. I would be livid.
Why would he act like this in front of his own children. Your kids had to have been very uncomfortable. He doeasn't realize what he's teaching them: I'm not a reliable dad.

Well I really appreciate the Back-Up!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ark... LMAO... sad thing is he will never get it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Commited: Yes, been in plan B while working Plan D... he came over with the kids while I was at work!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> And garnish wages??? Well tonight he tells me he gave notice to one of his jobs!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He is not gonna make this easy!

Miker: I am trying SO hard to stand up for what is right, and I do not know why he has to make it so hard.... podpeople SUCK!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Viv: Yep, he is totally teaching them how unreliable and unpredictable he is!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Tonight he drops off $100 of the $300+ he owes (for July only BTW!) ... he walks in with a chip on his shoulder and announces he gave notice to one of his jobs... I say "what about OW#4?" and he says "oh please, you really think I have somthing with her?!" and I said "yup"! DUHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You do not TM someone 20 x a day and there be *nothing* there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I did NOT say that, just thought it!

He got rude and sassy...I said something about OW#5 (pool whore) along the lines of bad judgement and he said "what are you talking about?" (of course looking dumb like he had NO clue) and I looked at him and said "you can't think in a community this tight that things wonn't get back to me"

I then asked him to join me in another room AWAY from the kids... he said "NO"... I asked "excuse me?" and he said "no, I don't have to" so I said "fine, get out of my home"...

He stood at the door for a little longer than I would have liked to prove a point and then said "ILU" to the kids and then slammed the sh&% out of my door!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />...

DD13 looked at me and said "that was SO unnecessary!" and DS11 looked at me and said "what is his problem?"!!

OH YEAH...on the way out he said something about being rid of me. I said "come up with the other $1500 and in 90 days it'll be done"... he was very hateful and sarcastic and said "I have to wait that long?!"

We settled down and watched a movie and life goes on... he TMd some expletives and I sent back "WH get a life, I am just trying to do what is right by these kids" and he wrote back about more $ coming tomorrow....whatever!

This is nuts, but I refuse to play the game anymore.... He has lost his mind!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I just want my life to feel more normal...and not have to fight him for every cent to pay bills that we created together!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am a survivor and this, too, shall pass! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

tnt the more I thought of this the more I think that the WORST thing is his asking the children to lie to you..

the surpasses even the bad behavior behind the pool-ho..

I would tell him that no matter what, your plan in life is to never ever put the children in a situation and then request that they NOT tell their own father...and that you would appreciate the same...

that nothing good will come from forcing the children in to a role of protecting one from good or bad or hurtful behavior....even if this means taking strides to conduct oneself so that there is NEVER a need to ask such a thing from a child...

I'm babbling on what you should say..
but I do believe you should say something..
without powerstuggling
without details

just the facts..
children should not be used to have to speak lies...

ARK

Ahemmm...if you are still having discussions with him about the OW...I would hazard a guess and say that you really are NOT in PLanB.

You have NOT removed yourself from his insanity...it's still there by invitation (you interacting with him).

CS can be put in an evelope and slid under the door.

Don't engage with him...that's what is messing you up.

JMHO
committed

Well while I agree I am not in a "good" Plan B... this interaction was the most I have spoken with the man in weeks!

I am truly not really thinking there is any salvaging or reconciling this M, so more like Plan D! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And FWIW... WH has not once come to me willingly and offered to pay CS! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I sorta have to ask via TMing... <sigh> I am SO out of 98% of the drama that has become his life... sorta like sitting back and watching a train wreck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Ark, I agree...him putting the kids in that position at all is BAD, but him asking them to lie to me?! GRRRRRRRRRR!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> Sounds exactly like what his Dad did to him as a kid! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

address the asking the kids to lie...

total unacceptable request of children..
and the best way to avoid asking the children to lie...is to avoid the action in the first place that he feels the need to make the request of...
tell him this...

ARK

Well I did! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Actually right after I posted here last I left work...I called hoping to get his voicemail since he NEVER answers me the first time anyway... I am low priority <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, he answered... he said there was nothing more to say about the pool OW and I said "yes, well" and then proceeded to say sort of what you had said before... *I* do not want OUR children to EVER be put into a position where they feel they must lie to one or the other to protect the other and vice versa... I reminded him his father did that to him and he always resented it... I said again, I do not want this for our children and he said OK and I hung up the phone...

Kept it simple, no bigtime finger pointing and more generic so no one (like DD 13) would feel like they were responsible. Nor did I want WH to get defensive, I wanted him to hear me!

Something came up this weekend w/ my Mom that I had not thought about but could explain alot... WH has recently returned to many old vices: sex, cigs and alot of lack of any responsibility... Mom asked "is he back on drugs"... my gut reaction was "no, I don't think so".

Still, I thought about it to myself... he has gone back to every other vice he had as a teen... Is it that far a stretch to think that he might not try this one too?? This has me worried for kids and visitation sake! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It could explain the mood swings, the younger crowd and the total alien I am seeing... Could also explain why he is always broke!

Honest to God, I pray that he is not! It would break my heart, but I could see it happen. Problem is he is not 18 anymore, has high blood pressure and is on several meds...plus, this ain't the 80s anymore...there is some seriuos crap out there now!! What a HORRIBLE thought this is! Thanks Mom!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

good job...

ugggh on the drug issue....
if he is may hitting bottom come quickly and while he is solo...

ARK^^

Anyone else have thoughts on the drug issue... he would always break up with me to "use" so I was rarely around him on drugs...

The thought scares the s&^% outta me, ya know!?

It would make alot of sense with things, and I really wonder now! Yikes!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

What kind of drugs do you suspect?

Physically, how does he look?

My H was addicted to meth for years before I finally stopped denying and making excuses.

I started a thread "Meth Addiction and Affairs" that lists some signs of drug use. (Sorry! I don't know how to link it here!)

I think this is something you really need to consider, for the safety of your children. I cringe every time I think about when our sons and I were in the car when H was driving and was high. AAAAAAUG!

Because of his drug use in the past, can you get mandatory drug testing on him?

Tatertot

Hey Girl

Drugs was a huge issue during my divorce from ex. I talked to attorney about it and she said that if I had proof I could maybe call child protective services. I didn't have proof. She then said that if I had a bunch of money I could try to convince a judge of my concerns and get an order from him. Didn't have the money either and that was certainly no guarentee there with a judge.

So I convinced my then stbxh to agree to random testing that I would pay for if he came up clean and he would pay for if it came up dirty. I made the arguement that if he was really in recovery it wouldn't be a big deal to pee into a cup now and then. He didn't like it but since he and ow met in NA and they had stopped attending, I convinced him I had a good chance in court in front of a judge.

Tiggy

I have NO idea what type of drugs... not my area of expertise!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I do know in the past he smoked pot and snorted coke. That is about all I am aware of... I think he "tried" acid once but did not like it.

How's he look? I dunno... ok I guess... I have had a hard time looking at the man lately! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I have zero proof, and this is purely specualtion at this point... No point in asking him cause he will never tell the truth! I do know the one friend he sees more these days smokes pot on a daily basis... and WH admitted he did it once recently while fishing so I do not think it is such a stretch.

This would also explain how he could go from being a VERY involved Daddy to an occaisional father... right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

"This would also explain how he could go from being a VERY involved Daddy to an occaisional father... right?"

YUP!!!!!!!!!!!!

And...

The mood swings

The empty pocket

The "Chicks dig me!" attitude

Lying about anything and everything.

The much younger friends

Give me a minute. I've got more.

I think I was being too vague in my above point, which was--ask your attorney what can or can't be done.

The only reason I was successfull in getting him to put the random checks in our divorce agreement was because he believed I could get a judge to order, which I may have if I had the time and money.

At that point in our divorce we had both wracked up a few thousand dollars on the attorneys and that was another appealing point I got across to him---that the act of me taking him to court would cost not just me money but him too.

And if you can just let the state or district attorney or whoever handles child support enforcement get the the child support he owes you. Here, in my state they automatically garnish, even if the parent is cooperative, that's just how they do it. And they will remove licenses of all kinds to get a non-paying parent to pay--even their driver's license.!!! I think most states have gotten more strict in getting parents to step up and pay for their children's support.

A story here that still cracks me up---this guy got a lottery ticket and won 20k but he owed back child support, so he asked a buddy to cash it in for him and they would split it. Well, the buddy cashed it in but he ALSO owed back child support so every dime of it went to his ex-wife. LOL

I know it's hard but try to stop talking to him and let your attorney handle it.

I am trying.... the atty needs more money if it gets messy...

He is moving into the doublewide and I even let DD4 go there tonight. DS was already going and she wnated to also. This is a first for me... it was hard letting babygirl go there, but it is just one night... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />