What reconcilliation requires of the Betrayed Spouse - 10/01/05 03:30 PM
I've been pondering, since reading Finally Learning's sad situation, and the pain she feels at her husband's reluctance to trust and bond with her again.
I am about to write something that is a very intimate part of my spiritual knowing. It isn't up for doctrinal debate, so please do not try to tell me where I'm misunderstanding the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ - I am simply sharing my witness to lend support, light and understanding to those who are trying to reconcile their marriage after the vows have been violated. This requires an imtimate understanding of Jesus' atonement for our sins.
We come to know Jesus Christ through his teachings, through parables, and through miracles of healing. Paul likens a marriage relationship to that of Jesus Christ and the Church. It is only when we fully understand what "atonement" means to us personally, that we understand what that relationship truly means.
When a man (or woman) violates his marriage covenant, he sins against the relationship. He removes his ability to fully heal that relationship, EVER. He becomes dependent upon an atonement - someone else must suffer for that sin; must feel the pain of that sin, and forgive and heal from that sin.
Jesus bore the weight of each and every sin committed by anyone and EVERYONE who ever lived and ever will live. That pain and agony was so great that it caused blood to drip from every pore. He was mortal, but also the literal Son of God - so He had the ability to survive such an ordeal. We do not have that "gift". So when we are asked to "atone" for the sins of a spouse against the marriage, we are being asked to suffer the weight of sin against us, and the relationship. The reason that so many recovering wayward spouses and their betrayed spouses struggle here, is that the atonement is not a singular event, nor was the sin against the marriage a singular event; but every thought, every plot, every action carried to it's conclusion was a sin against that marriage - and every thorn driven into the marriage by the wayward spouse must be felt and removed by the betrayed. So it cannot be forgiven once and then forgotten, moved on, and it's a bright new world. It is not an easy thing to be helpless while someone you love is suffering for something you did. We want that pain overwith NOW. And the pain just keeps on going and going....
Sometimes a betrayed spouse has been hurt to the point, where they just want peace - but there is no peace, no healing, until they step into the suffering AGAIN - and do the work to save a relationship that was broken by a sinner. It's not fair, it's not reasonable. But then... it's not reasonable that a perfect man suffered and died for my sins. But that is the way of perfect love. As sinners, we cannot save ourselves - salvation comes only through the Perfect Love of Jesus Christ - and a whole, healed relationship after sin comes only through true repentance of the sinner, and relying upon the love of his/her sweetheart. They may not be ready to do the work of atonement and recovery for quite some time. It takes time to come to a place of perfect love. Jesus spent His whole lifetime preparing to love us enough to get through an ordeal He knew would happen, He chose to happen, and even at the moment of atonement, He struggled and asked that the cup be removed, but nevertheless, did The Father's will and went through the process anyway.
When the marriage relationship is a covenant relationship, there is aid for the betrayed spouse - and the repenting wayward spouse - and that is Jesus Christ, Himself. The atonement was not intended to just relieve the suffering of the sinner - but those sinned against as well.
A thorough, searching study of the atonement would do well - the symbolism is unmistakable, when there is hope for a resurrection - life after pain!
I am about to write something that is a very intimate part of my spiritual knowing. It isn't up for doctrinal debate, so please do not try to tell me where I'm misunderstanding the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ - I am simply sharing my witness to lend support, light and understanding to those who are trying to reconcile their marriage after the vows have been violated. This requires an imtimate understanding of Jesus' atonement for our sins.
We come to know Jesus Christ through his teachings, through parables, and through miracles of healing. Paul likens a marriage relationship to that of Jesus Christ and the Church. It is only when we fully understand what "atonement" means to us personally, that we understand what that relationship truly means.
When a man (or woman) violates his marriage covenant, he sins against the relationship. He removes his ability to fully heal that relationship, EVER. He becomes dependent upon an atonement - someone else must suffer for that sin; must feel the pain of that sin, and forgive and heal from that sin.
Jesus bore the weight of each and every sin committed by anyone and EVERYONE who ever lived and ever will live. That pain and agony was so great that it caused blood to drip from every pore. He was mortal, but also the literal Son of God - so He had the ability to survive such an ordeal. We do not have that "gift". So when we are asked to "atone" for the sins of a spouse against the marriage, we are being asked to suffer the weight of sin against us, and the relationship. The reason that so many recovering wayward spouses and their betrayed spouses struggle here, is that the atonement is not a singular event, nor was the sin against the marriage a singular event; but every thought, every plot, every action carried to it's conclusion was a sin against that marriage - and every thorn driven into the marriage by the wayward spouse must be felt and removed by the betrayed. So it cannot be forgiven once and then forgotten, moved on, and it's a bright new world. It is not an easy thing to be helpless while someone you love is suffering for something you did. We want that pain overwith NOW. And the pain just keeps on going and going....
Sometimes a betrayed spouse has been hurt to the point, where they just want peace - but there is no peace, no healing, until they step into the suffering AGAIN - and do the work to save a relationship that was broken by a sinner. It's not fair, it's not reasonable. But then... it's not reasonable that a perfect man suffered and died for my sins. But that is the way of perfect love. As sinners, we cannot save ourselves - salvation comes only through the Perfect Love of Jesus Christ - and a whole, healed relationship after sin comes only through true repentance of the sinner, and relying upon the love of his/her sweetheart. They may not be ready to do the work of atonement and recovery for quite some time. It takes time to come to a place of perfect love. Jesus spent His whole lifetime preparing to love us enough to get through an ordeal He knew would happen, He chose to happen, and even at the moment of atonement, He struggled and asked that the cup be removed, but nevertheless, did The Father's will and went through the process anyway.
When the marriage relationship is a covenant relationship, there is aid for the betrayed spouse - and the repenting wayward spouse - and that is Jesus Christ, Himself. The atonement was not intended to just relieve the suffering of the sinner - but those sinned against as well.
A thorough, searching study of the atonement would do well - the symbolism is unmistakable, when there is hope for a resurrection - life after pain!