I have been married for 4 mths to my long term partner of 6.5yrs. I have always wanted to get married & my H took a very long time to actually ask. At about 5.5 yrs I saw this as a mark of disrespect to me & that he didn't really love me & started getting really resentful and loosing my attraction to him and then he finally asked so I said yes. We married 10mths later.

Prior to getting engaged I started going out a lot with my girlfriend who was constantly cheating on her husband & doing a lot of *partying*. My H didn't like to go out so I went by myself and I got caught up in the scene and thought I was immune to ever cheating on my H. Then, as the wedding came closer I panicked if I was doing the right thing... etc.. To cut a long story short I had 2 one night stands with complete strangers in a space of 6 wks. This all happened 3mths prior to the wedding. On both occasions I was totally drunk (which I think is a lame excuse). I haven't told my H cause I'm sure he will leave me and I really do want our marraige to work and have removed myself from any situations that I think I could get tempted. I feel really miserable everyday for not admitting it to him but I'm too afraid he will leave me and he is very hard to talk to cause he just shuts down about anything. I also feel that it was my stuff up so I deserve to live with the guilt. I have done all my STDs tests as I was totally selfish and careless in this regard (goes hand in hand with over drinking) and they have come up negative but I'm not convinced - I am not interested in sex because I am worried and don't want to give him anything, if we do I make him wear protection. I'm not unterested in sleeping with anyone else or pursuing any other person but I have been thinking that he is better off without me and have been thinking to leave.

I don't know what to do, every day I feel sick with disgust at myself.

~~I have also posted this on Pre-Marraige.

OK. Very important distinction here:

You were not married. You were not married. You were not married.

As far as I am concerned, anything that occurs before the wedding is your business, and yours, alone.

I would not tell your H, because it's going to bother him, big time, and - you weren't even married.

Go to your pastor, or to a therapist, and talk this through. Then...let it go.

You had the STD tests - good for you - you did more than most would do.

Throw yourself 1000% into your marriage. You are so lucky. There has been no infidelity in your marriage from which to recover.

I wish you the best of luck.

I don't know, I feel like she made a promise to her bf when he asked her to marry him....When that engagement ring goes on the finger then that's a promise to not give yourself up to any other.

If my WH had slept with anyone after we were engaged, I would have felt like that was a huge betrayal.

Kim

With all due respect, I strongly disagree with HealingT4J.

The Policy of Radical Honesty states that you should be honest with your spouse regarding your personal history, current issues, and future plans.

What happened before the wedding IS completely his business. He has a right to know what kind of a situation he is walking into and promising to honor for life. He has been robbed of that right and the decision was taken away from him.

You may not have broken a marital vow, but he has still been deceived and betrayed.



That is your H's decision to make. Perhaps he would NOT feel like he is better off without you. If you made that decision for him, you would not only have betrayed him, you would be abandoning him, as well.

Perhaps he would decide to leave. That would be his choice. He deserves to make that choice based on the facts.

Secrets build walls and make it nearly impossible for intimacy to grow. That is no way to begin a marriage. The only shot you have at a truly wonderful marriage is to be honest with him. Could you ever really feel loved by him if you did not tell him, knowing that he could want to leave if he knew the truth?



You are not a disgusting person. You are a woman who made a bad choice. Good people make bad decisions all the time. You can learn and grow from your mistakes and learn not to repeat them.

Nope - sorry, but this was a committed and official relationship. Monogamy is understood in relation to engagements in MHO. This was 2 PA's and should be treated as such. This guy has married someone under the reasonable assumption that she wasn't running around hopping in bed with other men I'll bet. Reasonable expectation and verbal understanding (contract) are in play here. Would he have married her if he knew the truth? Was he ever given the TRUTH on which to make a decision?

Had it been me I would have shown her to the door and cancelled the cake. Deal breaker. He was robbed of his chance to make an informed decision that would affect the rest of his life. Infidelity isn't reserved for only those who have spoken the official vow and signed the paper.

It'll be interesting to see how this plays out.
*****
That being said - welcome to MB PCreek. You've come to the right place. You should be able to get some good, solid advice on your situation.

Pcreek,

One of the central tennants of this site is the concept of "radical honesty" and there is a reason for this. Lack of honesty destroys marriages. But often NOT the way people think. Let's look at what you wrote and I think you will see where the problem is.

You said
Look at the first parat of this quote. YOU feel miserable and do you think that makes you a good wife? Are you enjoying this? Do you think your H is enjoying your misery even if he does not know the cause?


So let's see he gets to make love or have sex with a woman that does not want to out of fear and if he does get to he MUST wear protection because YOU insist. Do you think he is enjoying having you not want to be intimate with him? Do you think he is wondering what the deal is with the protection? I doubt he is missing the signs that something is very wrong. And believe me this will NOT get better with time, so it makes the likelihood of the marriage less than it should be.



Why don't you let him make that decision instead of you trying to read his mind? You are commiting what is called a disrespectful judgement by assuming that you know how he will react, and if you are thinking about leaving at least let him know the reason.


So to quote Dr. Phil: "How's that workin fer ya?" It is not is it? Further, it means your H is not enjoying life either. So is keeping this secret really going to work for you? Or for him? I don't think so. As someone mentioned the only way you can continue is to build a wall around your self and shut your H out and you are already doing that with intimacy and thinking about leaving.

So the idea of going to your grave with this knowledge is clearly going to doom your marriage. Your H may well leave you for what you have done. But, there is a chance that he might not. Further, once the secret is out, you can be open and honest with him and THAT just might swing the tide on this one.

Please think about all of this. I am sure you will get more advice, but secrets tend to kill relationships.

God Bless,

JL

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

PCreek,

I did something before marriage, 6 mo. into dating my H. My ex-fiance was pursuing me & I was torn about my feelings for the ex & for my then BF. I was weak so when my ex came to see me a couple of times, I cheated on my BF. Then, because of my guilt, I broke up with my BF, told him I had to work out my feelings about my ex, went out with ex for about a week & knew I didn't want ex (wanted BF). But, I had already cheated. So, I told partial truths limited the information about what I did with my ex (and never told him I cheated). My BF was convinced & we got back together. We moved on, dated another 3 years, and got married almost 7 years ago. Finally, when my H came to me a couple of months ago & started telling me various lies he had kept from me (spending money, missing time, etc.), I decided it was time to be honest no matter what the cost. So, I told him what I did. Of course, I had no idea what bomb was about to drop in my lap as we both shared what we had done & kept from the other.

However SAD I feel now due to the pain, a HEAVY weight has been lifted. I no longer carry the burden of this horrible lie around. NO MATTER HOW MUCH TIME GOES BY, THE GUILT WILL STILL BE WITH YOU. You will not get over what you did & be able to move on. My H & I both found this. UNTIL we had honesty, we both carried these burdens around that our relationship was based on a lie. Now, we both feel closer then ever as we journey together to heal. I also LOVE the fact that I have absolutely NO secrets & NOTHING to hide from my H. He knows ALL of my stories, good & bad. He knows the mistakes & he knows the the triumphs. It's quite wonderful to have someone to share my complete self with.

You have to understand that in my case, my H has many, many problems with my ex-fiance because I was still SO in love with him when we first started dating. Then, I broke up with him to "check" my feelings for my ex. So, telling him that I cheated & lied about it for 10 years was the hardest thing I've ever done. And it's been the BEST decision I ever made. I never knew that my marriage could get so much better through such horrible news. I think it's because it has allowed us to see how important we are to each other & work to make our marriage better & stronger.

NO one can predict how it will turn out, but I guarantee that lies only creates DISTANCE, LONELINESS, SADNESS & BIG WALLS. I think it's like anyone else who's made this mistake - you want to take it back, erase it, forget it - whatever you can do to eliminate it. But, you can't so the only options you have are to "deal with it" or try to "ignore it which means it will fester into something much worse". It's sad, but true.

Make the right decision & start creating an honest relationship now - don't spend years waiting & letting your relationship get worse & worse until you are at a point where others (including myself) are at on this board.

BTW-read the verses below in my signature!

Well, I just told him and it couldn't of gone more terrible. I could even get out that there were two events. Just one sent him off in a fit of rage. I don't think he will forgive me. He has stormed off and I really don't think he will forgive me. I guess I deserve nothing from him. He is such a sweet person and I betrayed him so badly. I only post my story in hope that it helps someone else not make the mistakes that I have. I hope he comes back. I hope that he finds some forgiveness for me.

Give him TIME! Obviously, he needs time to process. He's in shock, he's hurt & angry. But, this doesn't mean he won't want to work it out with you. One thing that helped both my H & I was knowing the other person came to tell the truth instead of something being "found out". It helped me & my H to know that there was no reason for either of us to lie about any of the details because we came knowing the potential consequences. When your husband calms down, he may be ready to listen. You might also want to get the book, Surviving An Affair. Let your husband know you are willing to do whatever it takes to be the wife he needs you to be & you've learned from your mistakes.

Just like Want2BStrong told you. Give him some time. He will need time to process this.

The first reaction, His anger was predictable and NORMAL. He will get past this and start to think in a more rational manner soon.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a 2*4 but I have a few comments that will help you both get through this:

Become Glass! You actions must become completely transparent. YOU have destroyed the trust he should have in you. You will need to EARN it back.

Becoming transparent is just the first step. Give him passwords for email accounts, web sites you use, cell phone records, etc..

Be Honest! The lies to cover up the truth hurt as much or more than the betrail does.

Be Open! The BS will have many questions for you. A few now, a lot more later. Answer all his questions honestly even it is hurts. ANY unanswered questions or dishonest answers will plant seeds of doubt and draw out the process longer than necessary.

Don't think you can "sugarcoat" you answers to make yourself look better or "lessen" his pain. The truth ALLWAYS comes out eventually and if you are not completly honest it will give him reason question your integrity and commitment to the M.

You will have days where everything is going forward, you will have days where nothing is working and you want to give up. Don't.

We refer to these days as the Rollercoaster. Sit down, Strap in, & hang on. If you both want to make it through this you will.

You have friends here to help you through this!

PCreek -


My respect for you has instantly increased. However, he needs to know about BOTH of them. You need to be free of the secret so that its power over you is GONE. Half measures don't count.

Be transparent. Yes, completely transparent. For example, if he wants to dig through your purse offer to sit with him and explain every gum wrapper to the best of your ability. The talk to him about accountability. Ask him how he would like you to track your time. Phone calls when you get to work and when you leave? Full access to all email accts, etc? A friend who can be with you when he can't for a while so that he doesn't worry. There are lots of things you can do for accountability. Offer these things as a salve for his wound. Believe me, good and WILLING accountability goes a long way. Show him that through your complete honesty and brokenness that you will never hide things from him again.

Let him know that you are willing to go to IC and MC to ensure that you are dealing with all of the issues in your personal and marital life that need to be dealt with.

I believe you can do this. Get 100% honest with him and then stay in that place. You're almost free of your secrets but not quite. Half measures don't count.

Lastly, invite him here. There are many of us who have stood where he stands today that would love to support, listen, and encourage him.

-Fluke

PC,
Good for you, girl! You did the right thing. It's a bummer your H didn't let you get to the whole truth before storming off, but there's no turning back now. Keep posting here as much as you can. You will find so many wonderful mentors who will, as you have already learned, give you a kick in the pants when they think you need it, but will also help to guide and support you throught this very difficult process. Hang in there.
--SC

PCreek,

Time and patience is now required. It won't heal over night or in a month or two, but if you read here, and learn a few more things you might find that you will have a far better marriage than either of you thought possible.

He is angry. Anger is a secondary emotion driven by primary ones such as: fear, pain, frustration, etc. His response is very normal and good. If he was not angry, if he was not hurt, if he really did not care...THEN you would be really worried.

Give this time, be honest as all have suggested, and have patience with him. He is probably going to say some really hurtful things, realize they are his pain. However, draw boundaries on what you will tolerate and make sure he knows what the boundaries are. YOu have the obligation to defend your boundaries and you can do this while still being empathetic to his feelings and sorrow.

Consider this a least a year effort. Your marriage can be saved and his initial reaction gives no indication that it cannot.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for all the advise. H told me last night that one of us should move out. I said that I would and I should be the one to do it. This morning H told me that he can't even look at me. That maybe I shouldn't have told him. He said he can never trust me again and that I shouldn't blame the partying (I didn't blame it but is was contributory). He also said that I shouldn't blame it on the fact that he never goes out with me. I agree, it was my decision no matter how drunk I was. I stuffed up and now I have to suffer the consequences of my actions.

Right now, he's torn off again and he was on the internet looking at a divorce site. He told me he is going to move out in a week. I've begged him not to go, I've begged him to forgive me. I'm beside myself with regret and sorrow but I think it is too late. I don't know what I can do to survive this, I don't know what I can do to convince him to work it out and not to leave this relationship. I love him so much and hurt him so badly. It seems that many people on this site are interested in restoring their relationships on either side but I don't think H wants to. He keeps saying "I told you what would happen if you ever did this" I don't know what to do now.

PCreek,

This is going to take some time. His shock and pain is manifested in anger right now. It's only one of many stages he's likely to go through. This is something that will require a LONG RANGE plan. Nothing can be solved in the short term EXCEPT your being 100% clean with him.

You would be well advised to get a copy of Surviving the Affair, and His Needs Her Needs. Read them right away. Don't give up. This is a horrible place he's in right now. It will take lots of time. Just keep doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do.

Encourage him to post here. There are many here who can and will help.

Batter down the hatches.....it will be stormy for a while.....there is NO way that you didn't think otherwise.

Read and then Re-Read the post offered by JL above.

There are many many people who would have taken the "cowardly" way out and NOT told of these acts.

You can remove yourself from that list. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Today you start getting "right" with yourself...Tomorrow, the rest will follow.

You'll have to expect great fluctuations in your Husband's behavior. But I think you "knew" this.

Best of luck

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Do not move out.

H will probably get over it, but it will take time. You just have to be an open book to him and in time he will realize that you are worth trusting.

Do not expect miracles overnight. Your M is far from over, even though it may not seem like it right now.

Put your situation in the hands of God.

But if I don't move out chances are he will instead. Wouldn't that be worse? At least if he is in our home and I move out he may let me visit, I might be able to restore friendship and he may come around to forgiving me. It's heart wrenching, not that I deserve anything less. I wish I could take his pain and heal his heart. I will try and hope we survive this and that we both stay here but I guess time will tell. Hope is so dim right now.

PCreek,

You are in a rotten place right now but good on you for coming clean.

I agree with the other posters - don't move out under any circumstances. If you want to work on your marriage and for it to survive this you need to be together and work with each other. That isn't possible if you move out.

Your husband will be angry but will start thinking rationally (not emotionally) soon.

Is there any chance you can coax him to this site for support? It would really help him. We all would love to help you both through this.

God Bless.

Definitely, get your husband to the site. This board has been so valuable for me. I've read stories so much worse then mine, sometimes I would find myself feeling blessed in some way that I didn't have to go through that. Other days, I would post & get strength from others to keep going & trying to make my M work. This is a pro-marriage board.

I know after my H told me of his w A's (one EA, one PA), I went & am still going through all types of emotions. My H has thought many times I was able to call it quits, but it's not as easy as that. I love him deeply & I don't want to be divorced (I also feel that God wants me to learn how to forgive) - those things has held me here even when I don't feel like being here. I've been angry, sad, depressed, frustrated, obsessed, jealous, etc. etc. I've said I feel like a crazy person. The KEY for me was that he WAS honest with me about what happened (came to me like you did with your H) so he got points for that (even if it was small I knew he had no reason to lie then). Then, he has been willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make our marriage better - more points (even when I have a hard time accepting what he's trying to give). He's worked really hard to not be mad when I'm having a bad day & he's tried to be understanding that this is going to be a long process.

Have patience with your H.

Without the honesty & this board, I cannot say I would make it in this M. Get the books as Flukeboy said above & read them. You can stop any love busters & start putting love units in his love bank right away.

Hello,

He is clearly in shock and only time will bring him around. I also see another problem which is you did not tell him the whole truth that it happened with two different strangers and not one. You would be much better off telling the whole truth because when he then returns he will be asking questions eventually and you will have to tell him the additional truth with the second guy which will be a second bomb to him. It is better to get everything out in the open and then work on recovery. If you do not do this then you would still be having guilt about not telling him the whole truth.

PC,

Do not move out. Stop a minute and think about this rationally (difficult when you're all torn up inside, I know, but sooo important right now). You want to make ammends and work on the marriage. If you move out, you will be sending a mixed message, at best. There are much better ways to show that you are sorry. You can't stop him from moving out, but you can make it clear that the door will be open for his return if he so chooses.

Read the books. (hmmm. I should take my own advice).

Know that the odds are in your favor. Everyone SAYS that an affair would be a deal breaker for them. But as you may have already read on this site, statistics suggest otherwise. As our counselor told my husband and me -- most marriages actually survive affairs. Those that don't had so much other junk going on that the affair was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

One other thought, try not to beat yourself up too much. It is good that you are sorry, but as others here have told you, one bad deed does not define a person. To borrow a line from a Howie Day song: "Even the best fall down sometimes."

Hang in there kiddo. It's going to be a rough ride, but you will survive it, and no matter what the outcome, you'll be a better person for it in the end.

--SC

Because he isn't talking to me virtually at all I have written him two letters. One today, and one this morning. I have conveyed my sorrow, my repenteness, my hope for him to let us work through this and if he will ever give anyone a second chance I pray that it'll be me & us, etc. Not sure if this is doing more damage than good. I hope it isn't making matters worse. I am trying to find an opportunity to tell him more clearly that there were two instances. I did realise in the second instance that this isn't the right thing to do and got out of there quick smart b4 it reached the same stage of the first. But I still did betray his trust and love on both occassions, even if the second time was not as bad as the first. Either way I agree he needs to know everything clearly so he doesn't think I'm hiding further truths. Just don't know how to get that across to him without doing more damage to his heart.

Time and patience PCreek.

That is what this is going to take. He has been very badly shocked and I think you will be surprised eventually to realize it is HE that he thinks failed.

Let him heal abit and writing the letters was a good thing to do in my mind.

God Bless,

JL