Definitely, get your husband to the site. This board has been so valuable for me. I've read stories so much worse then mine, sometimes I would find myself feeling blessed in some way that I didn't have to go through that. Other days, I would post & get strength from others to keep going & trying to make my M work. This is a pro-marriage board.

I know after my H told me of his w A's (one EA, one PA), I went & am still going through all types of emotions. My H has thought many times I was able to call it quits, but it's not as easy as that. I love him deeply & I don't want to be divorced (I also feel that God wants me to learn how to forgive) - those things has held me here even when I don't feel like being here. I've been angry, sad, depressed, frustrated, obsessed, jealous, etc. etc. I've said I feel like a crazy person. The KEY for me was that he WAS honest with me about what happened (came to me like you did with your H) so he got points for that (even if it was small I knew he had no reason to lie then). Then, he has been willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make our marriage better - more points (even when I have a hard time accepting what he's trying to give). He's worked really hard to not be mad when I'm having a bad day & he's tried to be understanding that this is going to be a long process.

Have patience with your H.

Without the honesty & this board, I cannot say I would make it in this M. Get the books as Flukeboy said above & read them. You can stop any love busters & start putting love units in his love bank right away.

Hello,

He is clearly in shock and only time will bring him around. I also see another problem which is you did not tell him the whole truth that it happened with two different strangers and not one. You would be much better off telling the whole truth because when he then returns he will be asking questions eventually and you will have to tell him the additional truth with the second guy which will be a second bomb to him. It is better to get everything out in the open and then work on recovery. If you do not do this then you would still be having guilt about not telling him the whole truth.

PC,

Do not move out. Stop a minute and think about this rationally (difficult when you're all torn up inside, I know, but sooo important right now). You want to make ammends and work on the marriage. If you move out, you will be sending a mixed message, at best. There are much better ways to show that you are sorry. You can't stop him from moving out, but you can make it clear that the door will be open for his return if he so chooses.

Read the books. (hmmm. I should take my own advice).

Know that the odds are in your favor. Everyone SAYS that an affair would be a deal breaker for them. But as you may have already read on this site, statistics suggest otherwise. As our counselor told my husband and me -- most marriages actually survive affairs. Those that don't had so much other junk going on that the affair was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

One other thought, try not to beat yourself up too much. It is good that you are sorry, but as others here have told you, one bad deed does not define a person. To borrow a line from a Howie Day song: "Even the best fall down sometimes."

Hang in there kiddo. It's going to be a rough ride, but you will survive it, and no matter what the outcome, you'll be a better person for it in the end.

--SC

Because he isn't talking to me virtually at all I have written him two letters. One today, and one this morning. I have conveyed my sorrow, my repenteness, my hope for him to let us work through this and if he will ever give anyone a second chance I pray that it'll be me & us, etc. Not sure if this is doing more damage than good. I hope it isn't making matters worse. I am trying to find an opportunity to tell him more clearly that there were two instances. I did realise in the second instance that this isn't the right thing to do and got out of there quick smart b4 it reached the same stage of the first. But I still did betray his trust and love on both occassions, even if the second time was not as bad as the first. Either way I agree he needs to know everything clearly so he doesn't think I'm hiding further truths. Just don't know how to get that across to him without doing more damage to his heart.

Time and patience PCreek.

That is what this is going to take. He has been very badly shocked and I think you will be surprised eventually to realize it is HE that he thinks failed.

Let him heal abit and writing the letters was a good thing to do in my mind.

God Bless,

JL