Please fellow MBs lend me your ears!!!!

I am sort of new....been posting here and there, but mostly taking in the wonderful advice that I often see here.

SOOO! My husband lies just in case you didn't see the subject. I mean 90% of the time. Apparently he has been doing this a good portion of his whole entire life. I did not realize it until his lies began to fall apart when I questioned him on the situation.

This is my concern. If he lies about the small things isn't there a REALLY GOOD chance that he will lie about any and everything else?

We have talked about this for a while and I stressed to him that you can not have a relationship without trust and right now I don't trust him at all. We did the love buster questionaire and he agreed that he does in fact lie on a regular basis. We even discussed the rest of his family (FOR YEARS)lies to protect each other from the truth.
Good talk, Great night..... Right? So I thought.

Next day he does it again. I know that it will take time and patience for him to overcome this, but I am so tired of the dishonesty. Please help with me this!

Ferra

OK, ferra - so what's your compelling argument that makes you believe you can change him - if he's been doing this all his life?

We're used to otherwise "normal" people becoming liars during infidelity. This can be reversed/absolved/ended. Pathological liars are a different matter, I think.

I can't change him! Only he and God can change himself. We both have agreed that this behavior is self destructive. Not only within this marriage, but also to himself.

HE does want this to stop I think knowing how is the next issue. Along with that I am searching for guidance on what to do and how to deal with this.

I'm new here, too, & in the same boat that you are in. My husband is so used to lying that he can't even tell the truth about putting gas in his truck. And then he has the nerve to get irritated with me when I don't believe his about IMPORTANT stuff..........

Why do it? My husband admitted to me that he just didn't feel like explaining anything to me. That's just pure LAZINESS!

My WH lies quite a bit too, it's a family trait on his side. I knew his mom and sisters lied, I always thought he was different, but found out he isn't. I discovered this, well I guess I should say that my eyes were open to this during his A. I spoke to our MC about it and he said basically that only he can change himself. If WH lies, as does his family, that it is pretty strong within him and it would take a lot of effort on his part to change. Thus, I either accept some level of lying, or I don't. I should face that those are the two choices, not the one I wanted to see, which is him not lying.

So I explained to WH that lying about big things, such as the A, isn't acceptable. Course, problem is, how would I know if he is lying? It isn't such a good place to be, always on guard weighing whether or not what they say is true. Our MC says I have a problem seeing reality...I try to keep that in mind w/him.

ferra ---

what is your plan if your H does not stop lying?

No it's not a good place at ALL to be in! Constantly questioning whether he's telling the truth. It hurts!

I do struggle with being patient. This is definitley going to be a challenge!



Thanks for sharing!

Ferra,

Will WH go to counseling? IC to try to help him quit lying? That might be a good first step, asking him about IC. Just a thought.

Pepperband



I have thought about the situation getting worse and me eventually leaving, but I love him and a part of me feels like I not only want to make this marriage a better one, but I want to see that he gets better as an individual.

Eagle15,

Yes he will go. He's all for it! He's a little nervous about it. LOt of family issues, insecurites. He's so detached from his emotions.

hmmmmmmmmmm

I really don't see how continuing to be patient (and miserable) is really a great plan ... but if you want to, OK then.

Lemme ask it another way ... Here's the deal.

H has a character trait that is terrible for your happiness.

Choices are:

1. Stay with him "as-is" and be miserable.

2. Stay with him "as-is" and not be miserable.

3. Leave him within a certain amount of time if he does not change, giving your H due warning and specific requirements for you to stay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you see another option?

Staying and being miserable is a way of conflict avoiding, and it will drain your integrity right out of your body, because when you make a compromise where you cannot respect yourself, life usually gets worse until you do something to restore your self respect.

This is not a character flaw in a man by the way.

careful

you sound like his Mommie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> !!!

Shouldn't it be "worst liar"..best liar is an oxymoron.

My stbx is a habitual liar too. His mother and her side of the family all do it. I was taught by the Father that the worst things one could be was lazy and a liar. I thought everyone was taught this was they way to live so I didn't question my stbx's word for a very long time...but when the house of cards fell boy did they ever.

He's lied about most everything about his life. I have been told it's a result of very low self esteem. I think in my stbx's case, it's mental illness. Passive aggressive narcissism seems to fit.

He too lies about silly things...things that make no difference but he also lies about major things..things that destroy other people's lives.

I told him in November that if he lied to me again, I could no longer have him as a part of my life. I told him to count his words because they would be very expensive if he didn't. In no time the lies that were so ridiculous came spewing out of his mouth. When I confronted him, he has a look of confusion and denial. Therefore, I attribute it to mental illness.

We went to counseling before but the treatment was based on his lies of which I was not aware. Now that all his dirty little secrets are out, he can't seem to bring himself to go to counseling. It's just too painful for him to see what a waste his life has become.

Me sounding like his mother.... why wouldn't I want for him to get better? If he's better as an individual then I believe that it will utimately be better for the marriage.

No, I'm not happy because of the lies and no I'm not happy because of him not being connected with his emotions as I am. However, we have been through alot and managed to work through those problems.

Like I said I have thought about leaving if it got worse, but that is not an option. One of the postive options that I have recieved is counseling and trying to work through it.

There is nothing wrong with wanting that for him (if he does the changing himself) ... but you said "I want to see that he gets better" .... as if you could make that happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

OMI lying is something that people actually get worse at the more they do it - eventually only capable of deluding themselves.

MY ex is a serial adulterer and lying was also a way of life for him (and his family).

I doubt he will ever change and I certainly am not wasting another nanosecond hoping he might.

When we began recovery 10 years ago, my husband was an alcoholic, a liar, and an adulteror.

One of the things I learned during the 2 years of really difficult recovery was this: I wanted my husband to connect to his emotions in ways that did not upset me !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

This is a two-edged sword. When your husband becomes more connected emotionally and expressive of his emotions, you must be prepared for some ugly stuff about you to emerge. Men often do not express themselves emotionally in front of their wives because we women take it personally (many of us, not all of us) ... and we esentially "train" our men to be emotionally secretive.

Just giving you a heads up --- when he connects -- you may wish he had an "off emotion" switch at times.

Becoming emotionally honest is a very risky walk for men to take ... just so you know, you are asking for a *big ticket* item.

Personaly, I think you'd be better off starting with the honesty-dishonesty issue. That is character-building for a man, whereas the emotional issue is going to feel less like character-building to your husband, and more like having his finger nails pulled off one by one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Pepperband,


Thank you very much for the advice! I'm on edge and on the defense. I agree with the "emotion switch". I believe I am about to open a can of EVERYTHING! I think it's time and I'm hoping for the best!

Ferra,

I have several thoughts on this as my FWH is working on his lying habits today. He lied about everything too even when there was no point to it. He is also disconnected from his emotions.

We've figured out a couple of things:
1. He's passive-aggressive. Read this thread about it. Very important if this is the problem you H has. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

If it's Narcissistic behavior, good luck with that. My cousin's wife is narcissistic & it's he11 on earth for my cousin. I cannot see what he stays with her - serial liar, cheater, criminal behavior, etc. She will not acknowledge she has any problem at all.

2. You H's relationship with God. This is the KEY to success. We are now attending EVERY service at church, my FWH is reading his bible daily & praying all the time. He is working to sanify himself.

This is important for one reason in your H's case:

Don't expect your life to change if your Bible gathers dust on some shelf.

Sanctification does not mean sinless perfection, otherwise
Christ could never say, "I sanctify Myself" (v. 19), for He had no sin. A sanctified Christian is someone who is daily growing in the Word and as a result is separated more and more from the world unto the Father. [Wiersbe Expository Outlines]

"Sanctify them through thy truth." -- John 17:17
Sanctification begins in regeneration. The Spirit of God infuses into man that new living principle by which he becomes "a new creature" in Christ Jesus. This work, which begins in the new birth, is carried on in two ways-- mortification, whereby the lusts of the flesh are subdued and kept under; and vivification, by which the life which God has put within us is made to be a well of water springing up unto everlasting life. This is carried on every day in what is called "perseverance," by which the Christian is preserved and continued in a gracious state, and is made to abound in good works unto the praise and glory of God; and it culminates or comes to perfection, in "glory," when the soul, being thoroughly purged, is caught up to dwell with holy beings at the right hand of the Majesty on high. But while the Spirit of God is thus the author of sanctification, yet there is a visible agency employed which must not be forgotten. "Sanctify them," said Jesus, "through thy truth: thy word is truth." The passages of Scripture which prove that the instrument of our sanctification is the Word of God are very many. The Spirit of God brings to our minds the precepts and doctrines of truth, and applies them with power. These are
heard in the ear, and being received in the heart, they work in us to will and to do of God's good pleasure. The truth is the sanctifier, and if we do not hear or read the truth, we shall not grow in sanctification. We only progress in sound living as we progress in sound
understanding. "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Do not say of any error, "It is a mere matter of opinion." No man indulges an error of judgment, without sooner or later tolerating an error in practice. Hold fast the truth, for by so holding the truth
shall you be sanctified by the Spirit of God. [Morning and Evening by Charles H. Spurgeon]

BTW-Ferra, I've told my FWH that he too was the best liar I've ever seen. I never caught him cheating & rarely ever caught him lying. I think it just flowed off the tongue for him.

I could probably go to counseling with my H & he would lie to them. Do you think that if we ordered lie detectors in bulk that we could get a discount? Next time I'm in Sams Club or Costco, I might look & see if they have them....lol. Maybe I can become a wholesaler & suppliment my income......I could probably make a million just by advertising here @ MB! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Yep that is my concern too somewhat. The question to me was always if you'll lie about ONE thing, you will lie about anything. I smirk when I hear people say, "I wouldn't lie about that!" Those people will lie about anything that protects thier comfort. I have no respect for them. Whether it is an affair, or their favorite football team.

Ferra, sometimes what makes our spouses good liars is the fact we want to believe thier lies.

They don't really fool anyone else. Read on this forum, people can pick out lie after lie from active WS, but in thier own situations they have difficutly.

That is why it is good to come here and have someone slap you in the face and say... "she's lying knucklehead" Sometimes we still don't listen.

I have taken the "show me" tact. Nothing is true until I see it. It is a sad state of affairs, (no pun intended).





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