Suggestions for dealing with teenage OC situation - 02/08/06 10:06 PM
I have been posting some over on the pregnancy/child forum but I thought I might get a bit more exposure over here.
Here's the link to my thread over at preg/child:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#2907465
To briefly condense the story, my H had a PA 20 years ago and there was a child conceived. The OW was living with her BF at the time so it was a 50/50 chance. She married the BF and we moved to the other side of Dallas and went on with life.
I suspected but never knew for sure about the A. H didn't confess for 6 years and by then it was old news and we just moved on with life.
Fast forward to summer 2005 and the FOW contacted H through Classmates dot com. She wanted to appease her guilt for lying to her son about who his real father is all these years and wanted H to claim him and we said NO ~ leave things as they are. Well, she couldn't and told the OC in Dec. He emailed H on the day he left for Iraq so I got a call from H on New Years Day with this bombshell.
I went to see the Chaplin a couple of weeks ago and here's what he suggested (copied from my other thread)
Here's what I need help with. H sent him an email last week explaining that he couldn't give the situation his full attention right now since he's deployed but he asked if OC would attend a min. of 5 counseling sessions and then have the counselor send H a signed statement saying he went. He also asked OC to refrain from contacting our children. It was a fairly emotionless email but not a rejection, just asking for some tangible action on the OC's end and then H would decide how to proceed. We haven't heard anything back so I didn't know what his reaction had been. My son has been emailing with him and so he wrote and asked why he hadn't heard from him. Here are the emails: (you have to pardon the spelling and grammer, it drives me crazy how kids write to each other these days) (names changed to protect the innocent)
From my son:
OC's reply:
My son attended a counseling session with me today with the chaplin. He is going back with me next week, not because he needs to but because he wants to make sure I get all the details right....ha ha. He takes his "man of the house" role seriously when dad is gone, sometimes gets a little too big for his britches.
Here's what my son wrote back to OC tonight: I really didn't want him to let them know I was reduced to going to counseling because I don't want the FOW to think she's had an affect on me after all this time, even though this has!
I think I have a great kid here. I didn't know he was going to write this. (I'm a bad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> mom and "monitor" certain computer traffic)
I'm just at a loss how to go from here. The email from H was to get OC to take some action and responsibility if he wanted to have a possible relationship with any of our family. I found OC's email a bit manipulative toward my DS and it doesn't appear he wants to make an effort on his end. We'll see if and what he repies. I'm just trying to muddle through each day. Any suggestions or advice will be greatly appreciated.
Here's the link to my thread over at preg/child:
http:/
To briefly condense the story, my H had a PA 20 years ago and there was a child conceived. The OW was living with her BF at the time so it was a 50/50 chance. She married the BF and we moved to the other side of Dallas and went on with life.
I suspected but never knew for sure about the A. H didn't confess for 6 years and by then it was old news and we just moved on with life.
Fast forward to summer 2005 and the FOW contacted H through Classmates dot com. She wanted to appease her guilt for lying to her son about who his real father is all these years and wanted H to claim him and we said NO ~ leave things as they are. Well, she couldn't and told the OC in Dec. He emailed H on the day he left for Iraq so I got a call from H on New Years Day with this bombshell.
I went to see the Chaplin a couple of weeks ago and here's what he suggested (copied from my other thread)
Quote
In a nutshell, the chaplin proposed that my H email the OC and tell him he's not able to give the situation his full attention at this time but that he would ask that he attend a minimum of 5 counseling sessions and to have the counselor email a statement on their letterhead that he did attend the sessions. He doesn't need or want to know what's discussed, just that he was willing to do it.
He will also tell him to refrain from any contact with our kids. The chaplin said that by continuing to email with S, that the OC could possibly be using that as a substitute for contact with H and he needs to deal with H and his expectations of what he wants or needs in a relationship with H and contact with the kids will distract from that.
He will also tell him to refrain from any contact with our kids. The chaplin said that by continuing to email with S, that the OC could possibly be using that as a substitute for contact with H and he needs to deal with H and his expectations of what he wants or needs in a relationship with H and contact with the kids will distract from that.
Here's what I need help with. H sent him an email last week explaining that he couldn't give the situation his full attention right now since he's deployed but he asked if OC would attend a min. of 5 counseling sessions and then have the counselor send H a signed statement saying he went. He also asked OC to refrain from contacting our children. It was a fairly emotionless email but not a rejection, just asking for some tangible action on the OC's end and then H would decide how to proceed. We haven't heard anything back so I didn't know what his reaction had been. My son has been emailing with him and so he wrote and asked why he hadn't heard from him. Here are the emails: (you have to pardon the spelling and grammer, it drives me crazy how kids write to each other these days) (names changed to protect the innocent)
From my son:
Quote
Date: Feb 7, 2006 1:11 PM
wassup man havent talked in a while wassup. why did u remove urself from my firends list and stuff? just wanderin? well gotta go c ya man
wassup man havent talked in a while wassup. why did u remove urself from my firends list and stuff? just wanderin? well gotta go c ya man
OC's reply:
Quote
Feb 7, 2006 1:11 PM
RE: hey bro
Well, dude i know it's been a while. Because to be honest with you.........Your dad,....my "father" asked me to stop talking to you & your sister. He says it's best for right now. He also said he would tell you the same. I don't know why but he also says he wants me to go to 5 sessions of counceling and send him a signed letter from the teacher saying I went. I don't know why he said all that. It kind of mad me upset. He says he know's that you like to talk to me, but apparently your sister doesn't. So any case he wants me to have no contact with either of you. ?????? it's not your fault man I just don't know why I have to go do all that stuff so i can talk to my brother that likes me too. I know you don't have all the answers but i'm just venting and letting you know the truth. If you want the email i'd be glad to send it to you, but thats up to you. You know your dad better than i do. To be 100% honest with you...ok when i found out about all of this..i was 100% ok with all of this...just like you. After i got in contact with you and Sister. Your the only one that treated me like family. ( I feel anyways) I don't know what happened with sister. And your dad ****** i mean i could really care less wether or not i meet him ...i just wanted to know my brother and sister. I REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHIGN OTHER THAN YOU TWO. seriously. I just thing it's a hard thing for your dad to grasp and I don't feel like i should have to go to counseling lol. Anyways write me back at your own digression. I mean your what? 17? You can do what you want for the most part. I mean your smart dude and I love you cause your my brother ...i haven't known your for more that 2 months now but bro i'd do anything for you. anyways i'm not mad at your dad, but i'm not going to try to have contact with him anymore if it has to be like that. I don't want you getting into trouble either talking to me...so do what you have to alright? Hopefully some day i'll meet you, and hopefully you can talk to me online still but your dad really doesn't want you to. Anyways ...write back if you can/want to.
later,
OC
RE: hey bro
Well, dude i know it's been a while. Because to be honest with you.........Your dad,....my "father" asked me to stop talking to you & your sister. He says it's best for right now. He also said he would tell you the same. I don't know why but he also says he wants me to go to 5 sessions of counceling and send him a signed letter from the teacher saying I went. I don't know why he said all that. It kind of mad me upset. He says he know's that you like to talk to me, but apparently your sister doesn't. So any case he wants me to have no contact with either of you. ?????? it's not your fault man I just don't know why I have to go do all that stuff so i can talk to my brother that likes me too. I know you don't have all the answers but i'm just venting and letting you know the truth. If you want the email i'd be glad to send it to you, but thats up to you. You know your dad better than i do. To be 100% honest with you...ok when i found out about all of this..i was 100% ok with all of this...just like you. After i got in contact with you and Sister. Your the only one that treated me like family. ( I feel anyways) I don't know what happened with sister. And your dad ****** i mean i could really care less wether or not i meet him ...i just wanted to know my brother and sister. I REALLY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHIGN OTHER THAN YOU TWO. seriously. I just thing it's a hard thing for your dad to grasp and I don't feel like i should have to go to counseling lol. Anyways write me back at your own digression. I mean your what? 17? You can do what you want for the most part. I mean your smart dude and I love you cause your my brother ...i haven't known your for more that 2 months now but bro i'd do anything for you. anyways i'm not mad at your dad, but i'm not going to try to have contact with him anymore if it has to be like that. I don't want you getting into trouble either talking to me...so do what you have to alright? Hopefully some day i'll meet you, and hopefully you can talk to me online still but your dad really doesn't want you to. Anyways ...write back if you can/want to.
later,
OC
My son attended a counseling session with me today with the chaplin. He is going back with me next week, not because he needs to but because he wants to make sure I get all the details right....ha ha. He takes his "man of the house" role seriously when dad is gone, sometimes gets a little too big for his britches.
Here's what my son wrote back to OC tonight: I really didn't want him to let them know I was reduced to going to counseling because I don't want the FOW to think she's had an affect on me after all this time, even though this has!
Quote
Feb 8, 2006 12:40 PM
Hey bro
Hey man i totally agree with u but i just wanna let u know whats goin on on this end ok. dad isnt bein at all mean or any thing hes not trying to shun u its nuthin like that ok. but whats goin on is that he is talkin to a chaplain down in iraq and me and my mom are talkin to a chaplain here ( there making me go) and a chaplain is just a military counseler. but the counselor is the one who suggested that u take at least 5 sessions and send them here because our counselor isnt there to talk to u so this is how we can do it kinda all together u know what i mean? i mean look man i no u dont want to, he11 i really dont want to but i have to because i wanna be able to have a relationship with u bro because i think ur real tight man i mean i have never gotten along with sum one like this so quickly so i mean thats sayin sumthin and i love talkin to u its great we have tons in common which is so kewl and i finally have that big brother that i can talk to about problems and stuff man and i just think thats awesome so dont think that we are pushin u away its nuthin like that its just what the chaplain wants that way we can move on with this so if u do this than we can build an even better relationship man. and listen about sister u should know this ok she had a stalker back in highschool and that caused her some damage and now she really just doesnt open up to ppl at all so again man its not u she is just different than u and me but its kewl man trust me. well and also i got a correction to make im almost 16 it just says 17 on myspace lol sry bro. but anyways dont take any of my dads e mail the wrong way its just like i said i mean were all talkin to some one and the chaplain just wants to see how ur dealling with everything, kewl man? well write back bro.
- Son
Hey bro
Hey man i totally agree with u but i just wanna let u know whats goin on on this end ok. dad isnt bein at all mean or any thing hes not trying to shun u its nuthin like that ok. but whats goin on is that he is talkin to a chaplain down in iraq and me and my mom are talkin to a chaplain here ( there making me go) and a chaplain is just a military counseler. but the counselor is the one who suggested that u take at least 5 sessions and send them here because our counselor isnt there to talk to u so this is how we can do it kinda all together u know what i mean? i mean look man i no u dont want to, he11 i really dont want to but i have to because i wanna be able to have a relationship with u bro because i think ur real tight man i mean i have never gotten along with sum one like this so quickly so i mean thats sayin sumthin and i love talkin to u its great we have tons in common which is so kewl and i finally have that big brother that i can talk to about problems and stuff man and i just think thats awesome so dont think that we are pushin u away its nuthin like that its just what the chaplain wants that way we can move on with this so if u do this than we can build an even better relationship man. and listen about sister u should know this ok she had a stalker back in highschool and that caused her some damage and now she really just doesnt open up to ppl at all so again man its not u she is just different than u and me but its kewl man trust me. well and also i got a correction to make im almost 16 it just says 17 on myspace lol sry bro. but anyways dont take any of my dads e mail the wrong way its just like i said i mean were all talkin to some one and the chaplain just wants to see how ur dealling with everything, kewl man? well write back bro.
- Son
I think I have a great kid here. I didn't know he was going to write this. (I'm a bad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> mom and "monitor" certain computer traffic)
I'm just at a loss how to go from here. The email from H was to get OC to take some action and responsibility if he wanted to have a possible relationship with any of our family. I found OC's email a bit manipulative toward my DS and it doesn't appear he wants to make an effort on his end. We'll see if and what he repies. I'm just trying to muddle through each day. Any suggestions or advice will be greatly appreciated.