I posted earlier today about the situation with my H. We've been married 8 years and he just decided to have an affair with his "soulmate" and leave his wife and kids. He says he has broken it off with her but he has no "connection" with me. No amount of reasoning makes him see this any differently. He sees this as an easy way out.

My problem is that my belief system is one in which when you get married, it is for the long haul. Problems come up but you've made that vow to work through it. I don't expect this would be easy, but it is worth it to me in many ways. But it isn't to him. He keeps telling me to just let him go. He wants us out of the house because HE isn't comfortable. He doesn't seem to care that we will have to move back to the other side of the country, buy a car, get a house, get the kids in a new school, blow off school for me and find a job that will pay enough to support us.

So my question is, at what point to I stop trying to salvage this? Please help.

Ignore what he tells you about moving. Let him know that you intend to do what you can to save your family. Don't take anything personally. They all say and do the same things. It sounds like he might still be in contact with the OW, and he wants to make it easier on himself by getting you and his family out of the way.

Welcome to MB; sorry you have to be here , but under the circumstances, it is the best place. You will find great advice and support.

First off: You do not leave; if your H wants to move out, fine. But, most likely, he will not. Believer is right. Many WS say this.

Your H is in the "fog"; could he be in WD, or is he still in C with the OW? You might want to do a little checking - cell records, e-mail, credit card receipts.

Read everything on this site. Get the books - SAA, HNHN. Download the EN questionnaire for both of you to complete. Start Plan A.Consider counseing with the Harleys.

You are in for the fight of your life. Recovery is a long, bumpy, painful journey. But, you can end up with a better M than you had before the A. Stand your ground.

Praying for you,

Man I just hate it when they use the S word . . . soulmate. It's like a get out of jail free for the WS. It allows the WS to say, 'Hey, this person is my soulmate, so I'm justified in ripping the beating heart out of your chest and taking a crap on it. Oh, and the kids? Well, they'd want me to be happy so it's right for them as well.'

My wife used the D word, which is almost as corny . . . destiny. 'We are destined to be together.' So I asked her why she married me and had a wonderful son. She couldn't explain that part.

She and the OM actually hoped that I'd bail out of the house and make it easier on them. No way. I slept in our bed, lived in our house and enjoyed our son.

Read up in this forum on plan A and start looking for evidence of a continued affair. He's most likely still in contact with her. How did they stay in contact before? Check his email, cellphone bill, cellphone logs, etc. Once you have the proof you can get to work ending this thing.

Okay, I understand what everyone says about checking up on him. The way I found out was the cell phone bill - there were 333 texts and calls over the course of a month. He has since changed his email password so I can't check it. I asked him last night what I will find when I open the cell bill. He said I will find calls at the beginning of the month but that they have since stopped. I feel like he is emailing her but I can't prove it. He wants to fly home to his family in Atlanta for leave before he is deployed to Iraq. That is only about 3 1/2 hours away from the OW. I think it's pretty crappy that he is blowing off his kids HERE to go hang out with his stepmom who he admits always hating. He says his family is the only reason he wants to go home - that he owes them because they've been his ear so much lately. I personally think its because they are telling him it's okay what he is doing - I mean, his dad is on his FIFTH wife. I even suggested he take the kids with him home because they haven't seen their grandparents in over a year. He said no because it would cost too much money. In the meantime, of course, he will miss our daughter's birthday. In the middle of a discussion last week, he said he will schedule around her birthday because he knows it means a lot to me. I said, "No, you [email]dumb@$$![/email] It means a lot to HER!!!"

I just don't understand it. Not only could I not break my marriage vows, I surely, absolutely could not choose myself over my kids. I just can't even fathom it.

Sorry - got off on a tangent there - how do I check up on him email wise? He doesn't keep any messages on his phone so I can't see those. He always keeps it with him anyway. But I don't have any idea about the email thing.

I was reading about the Plan A - he is in the military and I could entirely ruin his career if I pushed this because I do have proof of the A. But the crazy thing is, I don't want to do anything to hurt him, or us, honestly, because if he gets booted, we get nothing. I feel like he's got me by the short hairs.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Is it normal to feel such a storm of emotions? He thinks I should just be accepting and go along with it. It just goes against everything in me! OMG! This is harder than I ever thought it could be!

Kelley

You can get a key logger for the computer. It is essential unless you can crack the passwords.



I'll tell you what others told me, and took FOREVER for me to get it--you aren't doing anything to hurt him or you guys--his affair did that. YOU are trying to save a marriage. Think about that one--you've done nothing wrong here.



The emotional rollercoater is ever-so normal, my friend. It's all part of the nastiness of infidelity. And yes, it is so far the hardest thing I have dealt with my entire life. hang in there.

What plan are you in right now? Do you have a plan?

Craz, it's very nice of you not to ruin his career. I mean, in view of the fact that he's ruining your marriage and family, it's awfully decent of you. I'm sure he, and his partner in adultery, appreciate you being so understanding. If you change your mind about being so accomodating, let me know, okay?

Chances are what you've heard about an adultery resulting in immediate court martial, or whatever, isn't true. I spent 26 years in uniform and I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I saw such punishment administered.

I think you can pretty much count on the fact that he is going to be visiting his "soulmate" and not his step-mother. Don't let it shock you if you find out that is the case.

You're right, they won't court martial him. But, they will at the least put a letter of reprimand in his file which will make him non-promotable which will in turn keep him from staying in to retire. And not to be all witchy woman scorned here, but I want that retirement. My kids and I have put in a lot of time and heartache and I don't want him weasling out of it on a technicality. His commander does know, by the way.... they just aren't pushing it unless I do. I do know that he has lost a LOT of respect in the unit, especially since another one of the guys actually saw him coming out of the hotel with the OW while he was at Rucker. Sheesh! Talk about humiliating!

I did also talk to JAG about the adultery charge. He advised me not to pursue it because of the money issue. If we don't work out, I don't need to screw us on that front. As for the actual divorce, Hawaii is a no-fault state so I can't do anything on that one. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. And I'm wondering - is this really what I want? Do I want someone like this around my kids teaching them values???

Kelley

Of course not--you don't want the Wh back and around the kids and shaping their morals--you want your H back. big difference. And you asking that question is very, very normal.

This is hard, hard, hard yucky stuff you're dealing with. I personally wouldn't stand for the visit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> he's going on. You have to have boundaries. If he wants to go visit family, then you should come along too. It might be expensive, but it's a heck of a lot cheaper than a divorce would cost him.

The simple answer to your question is that you quit whenever you feel ready to quit. If the A continues or even if it does not and WH refuses to attempt recovery, eventually you will fall out of love with him and that is a really good time to quit - or at least go to Plan B.

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

i found out of my W A by downloading a spyware program onto our computer which records everything from key typed to taking pics of the screen every 30 secs. it sucks to find out what i did but im glad i did it at least now i know.

if you want the website i will let you know of it but i will not post it. just email me. but remember the can of worms you can open up.

is ignorance bliss?????????????

Well, I think it is now time to quit. I don't think it's the right thing to do but I'm fighting a brick wall. I don't know what else to do. He doesn't believe that I am making changes... he thinks I'm only doing it for the short term to keep him here. He got very upset looking on here and seeing that I want his retirement. I feel like a complete and total failure. So, I guess I'll just go ahead and file the legal separation and be on my way. Better luck next time, I hope.

That is why it is important to continue with Plan A. The first reaction will always be that you are not making real changes. It takes time. My WW has said/still says the same thing about me. That is very frustrating but you just have to suck it up and keep going.

If there were changes you needed to make on your end, it's normal for him to doubt that they are permanent. Just keep up the plan A and understand that you truly can change yourself to be a better spouse (that goes for both of you). I spend much more time with my wife and doing activities that she enjoys. She doubted my sincerity at first, but after a year she sees that this is for real.

He should understand that you don't want his retirement. What you want is to protect your family and save your marriage, and removing him from all possible contact with this person is necessary. I didn't want my wife to quit the job she loved, but it was necessary in order for her to never see the OM again. See the difference?

It gets worse before it gets better. If you are truly ready to call it quits then you have that right, but I just want you to know it's a rollercoaster if you decide to fight for your marriage. It takes patience.

Okay, trai, not to sound completely whiny, but he seems to be completely against this idea. I wasn't a perfect wife. He gave me specific examples of times that I brushed him off and made him feel terrible. My heart breaks that I ever made him ever doubt for a second that I loved him and wanted him. I'm not saying that for effect - my heart is literally broken that the one person I've ever loved with everything that I am, I pushed away. And there seems to be nothing that I can do about it. He keeps asking what I think he should do and what I want. I told him that I don't expect he will wake up tomorrow and tell me he loves me. I don't expect it will be easy. But I also expect and KNOW that it is worth it. I just can't make him see it. He says if he sticks around, he is afraid he will resent me forever. In case you haven't noticed, I'm taking nearly full responsibility for his A. I'm not trying to be a martyr but I know that my actions led him in that direction. I just don't know what to do. I love this man so much that it physically hurts... in my fingers, in my toes, in my brain, in my heart.

After he read this post last night and got so upset, I said, Okay, fine, you win. I give up. So I went downstairs to start filing the paperwork. He came down, logged onto messenger (the way we've talked a lot lately) and asked me why I was being mean to him. I swear to God that I am not trying to be mean! I want so badly to save this marriage and he doesn't believe me. I don't know how to make him see it when he is wanting us gone now. I'm afraid that if I leave, I won't come back. I don't think our kids should have to go through that yo-yo mess.

I told him that what I think should happen is we stay here with him for the next three months until he deploys. He goes to Iraq and we'll stay until the kids get out of school next year. If he is still dead-set on this, I'll file the paperwork in January/February so we'll be ready to go when school is out. He won't be back until late July/early August of next year anyway.

He says he is worried I'll clean out the bank accounts while he is gone. I've explained again and again that I don't want his money - I want OUR FAMILY! I couldn't care less about money. God, am I just ridiculously pathetic or what? Ugh! What a mess. How do I make myself flip that switch and stop loving him? I just can't get out of my head all the good times we've had and how he laughs and how his hands feel and how he looks at me and how he is with the kids and how kind he is to everyone and how handsome and sexy he is and how he makes me feel. How do I turn that off???

Oh, please somebody just shoot me in the head.

Sundog,

Thanks for your kind words. They make perfect sense and in the real world, I might have a chance. Being a military wife though and facing an upcoming deployment that will take him away for a year, time definitely is NOT on my side. He wants this done so that he has no distractions while he is deployed. He is worried that he won't come back, that he will be the guy that gets killed. I worry so much about that myself that I just have to put it out of my mind or I'll go crazy. When he said that to me though, I said, yes, but you might be the guy that comes back. Do you really want that to be to an empty house 5000 miles away from your kids?

I know he is hurt. I am hurt too. He is mad at me for putting so much stock into his A. It was an incredibly dumb thing for him to do but as I said, most all of it was because of how I treated him. I had no idea it was that bad. He says he tried to tell me but I didn't hear it. Something happened in my head about four months ago that made me realize that I was taking him for granted. But it feels too late. He just isn't interested.

I'm just so lost right now it isn't even funny.

What you do about it is a solid Plan A. You keep your WH around as long as possible and just keep chipping away at the brick wall. You stay consistent. You don't give up. You read and follow SAA guidelines.



Tell him that is a risk you are willing to accept.



Why? Did you unzip his pants for him? The affair is his responsibility.

What exactly is a solid plan A?

Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

No I haven't. Is it available in bookstores or only online?

Alot of the material you can even find on this website. It is available in bookstores. You can also buy it off this website. Click the "bookstore" tab at the top of the page.

If you have not developed a plan then it is easy to get frustrated. Buy the book and also His needs/ Her needs and read and study. Develop a plan a stick with it. You can't do this flying blind.

here is a sneak peak

plan A and plan B

Saenz your email is not on your profile

Okay, been looking at the Plan A/Plan B info. I've pretty well been working plan A. He says he is no longer in contact with OW. He isn't talking to her here like he was when he first got home. I am trying to be kind and understanding and making this home a place he wants to return to. Things go well for a few days and then he gets all antsy and starts talking about moving us out again, which starts the ugly cycle that gets me upset, which upsets him, which starts a fight. He asks me why I'm mean to him, why I get irritated. I've explained that I feel like I'm losing everything and him telling ME to leave is just another kick in the teeth. I don't know what spurs his little outbursts... is it just guilt/fear/etc? He just refuses to go to church since he's been home. I have a feeling he just doesn't want to hear it. I suppose I just need to work on not letting him push my buttons so that I don't get upset. It is so very hard though because it feels like it's not only that he is deciding he doesn't want me here but that he doesn't want his kids here either and it is just so stinking offensive to me.

So, I just try to be a loving, good girl and hope he sees the changes, the acceptance and love and follows suit? Will I totally lose respect for myself in the meantime because I feel a little like I'm selling myself and my kiddos short which is funny because I definitely feel like I'm selling us all short if I just quit. Sheesh - my brain just aches.

I relate. I guess they are on just a crazy roller coaster as we are. Plan A is really hard. I feel like I am giving everything i have at my expense and the expense of my children having an emotionally wiped out mother! I think trying to tell him that you need to keep a stable environment for the kids is an important limit that you need to set- in and out is too hard.

Good luck to you!

You may have been doing many of the things in Plan A but you have not been following it. If you had, you would not have said a few minutes ago that you were giving up. Read and study Plan A. Don't become a doormat. There is a balance.



In a nutshell. But that is only half the equation. The other half is to give him time to get the A out of his system.



Why would you lose respect for yourself for denying your feelings of betrayal in favor of trying to save your mnarriage and provide your children with their parents? I think you can respect yourself for that - even if it fails - you tried.

It is true you have to swallow a lot of ego for Plan A. You need to understand what your mnotives are. If you are doing it because you love WH and want to keep him in your marriage, that is just part of what love is right?

Is it crazy that I have this picture in my head of my H sitting there with OW laughing their butts off at how gullible and stupid I was? And as far as saying I want to quit.... I have this nasty little habit of caving in to what he wants. Sometimes it takes longer than others but in some ways I'm just so tired that I want to quit. He says he wants us to go because he is tired of the battles. I told him that it IS a battle because I'm fighting for my marriage here. I guess I need to just grow up and get over myself. Okay, tomorrow is a new day. Woo-hoo!!! Dusting myself off and getting ready to go again.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I have a problem with patience?

:-)

All us BS's think the WS and OP spend all their time sitting and laughing about us. Just our paranoia but you are not alone. I had that vision too. It wasn't true.



You are caving because you don't have a plan. Get a plan and stick to it regardless of how you feel on any given day.



Stop the battles. That is not part of Plan A. Buy the book - read it - memorize it and live it.



That sounds like a plan all by itself. Plan A is about YOU. You have to be something WH wants to stay married to. Forget about him for the time being and concentrate on you.

BTW, I think you had another post after this one but I didn't have the patience to read it.

Seriously - there is no easy fast way out of this. You need to be prepared for the long haul. No more talk of quiting. The only reason you have to quit is that you no longer love your WH. Until that happens, LEARN the Plan and LIVE the Plan.

I can think of a dozen times I have wanted to call it quits in the past three months. I didn't but only because people here on MB kicked my butt for feeling sorry for myself. This will be the hardest thing you will have ever done. I won't sugar coat it for you. Are you ready and willing?

If you really want to have things somewhat cleared up before he takes off for deployment, you need to decide what it is you want. You say you love him and want this to work, but the next minute you are telling him that you are going to fill out the paperwork to end things. Plan A means never even talking about divorce or separation, and being a person that he would find attractive. Give up the threats unless you are really done with it all. The fact that you seem uncertain in the marriage just gives him more justification in his affair.

How do you know the affair is over? Don't take his word for it, snoop a bit to see if they are still in contact.

If he really means it's over, he should write a no contact letter to her, have you read it and let you send it to the OW. This is a common thing to do in Marriage Builders. If he refuses to do this, you know where he stands, he's leaving the door open to return to the affair.

Good luck.

sundog is right. The first question you should ask yourself is what you would like to happen - even though there is no guarantee you can make it happen. So

1) Set a goal
2) Establish a plan to achieve that goal
3) Don't deviate from the plan