Have you read "Surviving an Affair"?

No I haven't. Is it available in bookstores or only online?

Alot of the material you can even find on this website. It is available in bookstores. You can also buy it off this website. Click the "bookstore" tab at the top of the page.

If you have not developed a plan then it is easy to get frustrated. Buy the book and also His needs/ Her needs and read and study. Develop a plan a stick with it. You can't do this flying blind.

here is a sneak peak

plan A and plan B

Saenz your email is not on your profile

Okay, been looking at the Plan A/Plan B info. I've pretty well been working plan A. He says he is no longer in contact with OW. He isn't talking to her here like he was when he first got home. I am trying to be kind and understanding and making this home a place he wants to return to. Things go well for a few days and then he gets all antsy and starts talking about moving us out again, which starts the ugly cycle that gets me upset, which upsets him, which starts a fight. He asks me why I'm mean to him, why I get irritated. I've explained that I feel like I'm losing everything and him telling ME to leave is just another kick in the teeth. I don't know what spurs his little outbursts... is it just guilt/fear/etc? He just refuses to go to church since he's been home. I have a feeling he just doesn't want to hear it. I suppose I just need to work on not letting him push my buttons so that I don't get upset. It is so very hard though because it feels like it's not only that he is deciding he doesn't want me here but that he doesn't want his kids here either and it is just so stinking offensive to me.

So, I just try to be a loving, good girl and hope he sees the changes, the acceptance and love and follows suit? Will I totally lose respect for myself in the meantime because I feel a little like I'm selling myself and my kiddos short which is funny because I definitely feel like I'm selling us all short if I just quit. Sheesh - my brain just aches.

I relate. I guess they are on just a crazy roller coaster as we are. Plan A is really hard. I feel like I am giving everything i have at my expense and the expense of my children having an emotionally wiped out mother! I think trying to tell him that you need to keep a stable environment for the kids is an important limit that you need to set- in and out is too hard.

Good luck to you!

You may have been doing many of the things in Plan A but you have not been following it. If you had, you would not have said a few minutes ago that you were giving up. Read and study Plan A. Don't become a doormat. There is a balance.



In a nutshell. But that is only half the equation. The other half is to give him time to get the A out of his system.



Why would you lose respect for yourself for denying your feelings of betrayal in favor of trying to save your mnarriage and provide your children with their parents? I think you can respect yourself for that - even if it fails - you tried.

It is true you have to swallow a lot of ego for Plan A. You need to understand what your mnotives are. If you are doing it because you love WH and want to keep him in your marriage, that is just part of what love is right?

Is it crazy that I have this picture in my head of my H sitting there with OW laughing their butts off at how gullible and stupid I was? And as far as saying I want to quit.... I have this nasty little habit of caving in to what he wants. Sometimes it takes longer than others but in some ways I'm just so tired that I want to quit. He says he wants us to go because he is tired of the battles. I told him that it IS a battle because I'm fighting for my marriage here. I guess I need to just grow up and get over myself. Okay, tomorrow is a new day. Woo-hoo!!! Dusting myself off and getting ready to go again.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I have a problem with patience?

:-)

All us BS's think the WS and OP spend all their time sitting and laughing about us. Just our paranoia but you are not alone. I had that vision too. It wasn't true.



You are caving because you don't have a plan. Get a plan and stick to it regardless of how you feel on any given day.



Stop the battles. That is not part of Plan A. Buy the book - read it - memorize it and live it.



That sounds like a plan all by itself. Plan A is about YOU. You have to be something WH wants to stay married to. Forget about him for the time being and concentrate on you.

BTW, I think you had another post after this one but I didn't have the patience to read it.

Seriously - there is no easy fast way out of this. You need to be prepared for the long haul. No more talk of quiting. The only reason you have to quit is that you no longer love your WH. Until that happens, LEARN the Plan and LIVE the Plan.

I can think of a dozen times I have wanted to call it quits in the past three months. I didn't but only because people here on MB kicked my butt for feeling sorry for myself. This will be the hardest thing you will have ever done. I won't sugar coat it for you. Are you ready and willing?

If you really want to have things somewhat cleared up before he takes off for deployment, you need to decide what it is you want. You say you love him and want this to work, but the next minute you are telling him that you are going to fill out the paperwork to end things. Plan A means never even talking about divorce or separation, and being a person that he would find attractive. Give up the threats unless you are really done with it all. The fact that you seem uncertain in the marriage just gives him more justification in his affair.

How do you know the affair is over? Don't take his word for it, snoop a bit to see if they are still in contact.

If he really means it's over, he should write a no contact letter to her, have you read it and let you send it to the OW. This is a common thing to do in Marriage Builders. If he refuses to do this, you know where he stands, he's leaving the door open to return to the affair.

Good luck.

sundog is right. The first question you should ask yourself is what you would like to happen - even though there is no guarantee you can make it happen. So

1) Set a goal
2) Establish a plan to achieve that goal
3) Don't deviate from the plan