So I'm going to disagree with stargaze's advice (even though I like it!! LOL) just a little. That approach is really trying to "change the direction of the wind" (him) rather than "adjusting *your* sails". So....how can you adjust your sails and still remain true to the direction you hope to go?
It seems that by unhappy's account of her H, he has crossed unacceptable boundaries even at her urging to stop in ways she would not LB. That approach has NOT worked. Bottom line, she wants her H to stop his disperectful behavior towards her and their M, ie. online chats, claiming he's single and acting like one, staring at other women's butt, etc., to the point that she now has to monitor his online activities. You or any spouse shouldn't have to go through this extent. She's told him how much it hurts her when XXXX, but it has not deter him to change his ways. So she's got two options, 1) she can continue to telling her H how much it hurts her when he XXXX until she's blue while her immature H tries to convince her that what he's doing is "harmless" or 2) "adjust her sails" which is to change her approach completely.
We already know that the "direction of the wind" which is her M being steered towards a rough sea by her H's behavior she will need to adjust her sails (approach) to steer their M towards a different direction. If she doesn't adjust her sails, guess where their M could end up? In the middle of a storm which could lead her H into an A.
I'm going to share my story the same way I did with 090886 on recovery.
My FWH had a 2 yr A w/a previous coworker. Didn't discover MB until a wk after D-day, 2/1/06. Kicked H out on the night of D-day. Called his married buddy that night, exposed the A & told him H would be spending the night w/them. Notice I didn't ask if my H could spend the night w/them. FOW lives an hour away. Had a feeling that if I didn't call his buddy, WH would move in w/her. Did it to reduce that probability. It worked. H lived w/his buddy the entire time.
Implemented plan A on 2/14. Tried to follow MB's principles by not LB. Felt used and degraded the entire time because WH vacilated between two women. It's the having your cake phase for WS. So I put a stop to it.
Kicked in plan B on 3/19. Re-exposed A to H and OW's family and friends by sending copies of OW's deranged, fatal attraction type emails she sent H. It sent shockwaves! As expected, OW went running to WH. He blasted me and I blasted him back with, "If your mistress is going to throw a punch in my direction, she better damn well expect I will punch her back! And when I do, she can't come crying to you, put on her f******* damsel in distress act and expect you to fight her battle against me! So if it's her you want so that you can play Daddy to her two dysfunctional kids with one who is a runaway, there's the f****** door! Go! Get the f*** out of here and go play out your f***ed up fantasy!" Stunned, H was speechless. Was my direct comeback a big LB? Absolutely! But it hit home!
Two weeks later, I asked for a D. The next day, H asked me if I would reconsider and go MC. On Easter, he emailed a NC letter to OW w/CC to me. Four days later, he moved back home. That same week, he booked a cruise to Mexico, our first, and we sailed two weeks later. We've been in MC 5 weeks for once a week. We've changed our approach towards each other. As a result our communication skills have improved and we're better.
Did I really wanted a D? Of course not! But I also decided that I wasn't going to allow WH to hurt me. Once I made that decision, I knew what I DIDN'T want and I aimed for what I wanted and needed.
The one thing I have observed so far with a lot of MB posters is that those who lament and fear creating LB are struggling longer to get passed Plan A or B. Sometimes you just gotta do it or LB.
My point is there will be times when a necessary LB is required and may be your only option in changing the direction of your marriage. And sometimes the greatest risks result in the greatest rewards. Only YOU can decide that.
So, you can either watch the wind direct your marriage by your H's thoughtless behavior to unknown waters OR prep your sails (your approach) and take you marriage where you two can enjoy it.
Good luck.
Stargazelily