Am I allowing an opportunity to slip by? My WW keeps talking about working on a friendship with me. Says she misses talking to me and my family but also says she's decided there's no way she would ever be truly happy with me. Says she needs to do what's best for herself and that means continuing to see the OM and move out this weekend. We're separated now since the A. Going on one month since I found out, been working on her for two to cut it off, but she says she likes where it's going. She's off in lala land. Our marriage was hard, hurtful. Only two years long. Both of our fault but she likes to blame me. Question is: should I hold to making her quit her OM before talking friend stuff? I think the whole idea of working on our friendship is okay but then again she says there's no way we'll ever work out. I don't just want friendship, especially with a wife who committed A. Is she just confused and maybe thinks there is a chance our marriage could work? Or is she trying to hold onto someone she knows she can trust and/or manipulate for needs. Should I demand she cut it off, or try to work the angle and gain trust?
If I let it slide and don't demand she end it, I lose respect and maybe her. But I'd rather have my respect right now...

Have you exposed? Kids involved? We need a little more info. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The reason she wants to be your "friend" is so that you will shut up while she destroys your marriage. It's like the rapist saying, "be quiet and just enjoy it." She wants you NOT to complain while she gets it on with another man. Why would you want to be "friends" with someone who lies and cheats like that?

She is not your "friend," she is your wife. Tell her this.

Have you exposed the affair?

Exposed A same day I found out. No kids. No real assests. I love my wife but the immaturity level is skyrocketing out of control. Been going above and beyond to give her a chance to repent, understand the world doesn't revolve around her but it's painful. About to call it quits just because she keeps saying things like "this is what's best for me." Seems convinced we have no connection, but then requests we keep a friendship. Needless to say she has no friends left. Just a boyfriend who is most likely using her. That relationship will not last six months. Feel sorry for her, mostly want to reform her, but also want a normal marriage later on. So much to filter through though. Advice has been to get rid of her, but I still care for some reason. After I told her she needed to stop seeing OM she acted offended and we ended the conversation. She has still not apologized for the A. Claims she can't be with me, but then entertains conversations about our problems. It's starting to get ridiculous. Just wish she'd realize that someone like me willing to stick with it through all this garbage is better than some guy she thinks she has "a lot in common with." Then again if what they have in common is selfishly destoying people's lives then they are a great match. Sorry for the sarcasm. Getting fed up, but still trying to figure it out.

No children, short marriage, I say bail out while you can. You are making a big mistake if you stay in this relationship.

The best thing for you - and HER - is to not be her friend while she engages in destructive behavior. Let her know that "friends" don't lie and cheat and that she needs to BE a "friend" in order to have a "friend."

Sorry this is happening to you, but maybe its a blessing it happened before you had 3 kids and a big mortgage.

p.s. as long as she chooses to act like an ENEMY, she can't be treated as a "friend."

Read up on Plan B.

I tend to agree that since you don’t have kids or assets you should move on. Plan B might be exactly what (a) might wake her up to reality and (b) give you space and time to emotionally detach. Either way I think you will come out of this situation in abetter way than if the present environment is maintained.

I realize Plan B is the way to go and then that will lead inevitably into divorce is my guess. I just need to get it through my head that talking, reasoning, trying to make her understand the path she's taking leads to misery, will not work. She is setting herself up for a life of sorrow. I know it would be easy (at least legally and logistically) to just give up, but part of me doesn't want to quit if I can make a difference for her.

As I write this I know it's a foolish way to think and the ongoing affair is so completely damaging to both of us I wonder how she's even still functioning, but that stupid side of me that won't just give up already keeps telling me there's hope. Hope for our marriage and hope she will quit hurting herself and me. She has no idea the impact this will have on her spiritually, emotionally, mentally later on. She believes it is her way of showing prowess, foresight and independence but it's a complete deception.

So I keep wondering if talking to her, not getting into a "friendship" but just meeting with her sometimes and talking to her instead of going full Plan B would be helpful. I'm conflicted. I think I know this is a stupid idea, but I still feel a sense of responsibility. Who can help me see what I need to do here?

I am in a similar situation. My wife won't stop seeing the OM and I tried living with it and hoping it would burn out soon. Well, that's not going to happen so I've been shaking the tree to see what falls out.

Forget about reasoning with her -- it won't happen. You could explain clear-headed solutions to all your problems and she would still find a reason to see the OM. Believe me, I've been there and am still shocked at the total difference between the woman I married and this alien clone put in her place.

The friendship thing is just to keep a hold on you in case the affair doesn't work out. It also means you have been providing some emotional needs that she wants but that the OM isn't capable of providing.

If you are going to Plan B you will have to go all out. No contact.

Two years?
No kids?
No assets?

My suggestion is "Plan D". She's not ready for M - her actions demonstrate this. She's no W, and she's no friend either. Walk away, and don't look back.

C13,

""I just need to get it through my head that talking, reasoning, trying to make her understand the path she's taking leads to misery, will not work.""

Can you talk, reason, etc. with a crackhead sucking on her pipe? A drunk guzzling the last drops from a bottle of thunderbird? A herion addict letting loose the surgical tubing around her arm?

BE DONE WITH THE TALKING!! It only sounds whiny and pathetic anyway!!

Go totally darkly plan B. And not speak to her at all. No contact!!

It will help you take care of yourself, and disengage from the alien.

Stay strong!

I second MIM. Plan D is the reasonable thing to do here.

Dude -Run for the hills and run fast!

You have no kids you are lucky. You were in a short term marriage that even you say was not a good one. She then cheats on you.

She wants to be your friend so she can feel less guilty about ripping out your heart. My advise to you is don't be her friend. She gets to make a choice she is either your wife or a distant memory that you know longer want to be around or ever talk to.

She made vows to you. She wants the other guy and she feels guilty. So if she can make you her "friend" she will feel less guilty. Some men and women are toxic and you should avoid people like this at all costs.

I have a wife like yours but I have kids to worry about. I do not love her or want to be with her but I have kids. Since you were not married long and she has already betrayed you I would get out now.

If you want any chance with her though do not become her friend. She wants to cake eat. She could come back and be your wife or nothing. JMHO.

Cornith,

Despite what some others have said, I would encourage you NOT to give up. My marriage has also only been two years and no kids, its coming closer to two and a half years now though and her A started in Aug.05, but really got going in Jan.06 (my story is more involved and I won't repeat it here).

Even though I have only even know my wife for not too much more than three years, I'm personally going to be fighting for this to the bitter end. This woman is the one I love, the only one I have ever found that is this incredible or felt this strongly for... Also, be VERY careful not to allow yourself to be sucked into your own A, it is easy to do when you are feeling like this.

She is acting insane right now, but just remind yourself that this is NOT who she normally or really is, it is just the fog of the affair that has taken over. It has been this knowledge that has helped keep my love strong for my WW even when she does very hurtful things.

I would suggest trying Plan A for a while before jumping into Plan B. Have you been doing Plan A? For how long? I personally suggest sticking with it for at least six months, and in doing this you must address the ENs that you had failed to meet before and begin to meet them...as much as she will allow anyhow. Find annoying habits of your own, and work on them as well. Show her how awesome of an option you really are, expose the A (she will probably get angry for this, but it passes, even though it feels like it won't and is very scary at times!), don't LB. I believe if you do this for a while before Plan B then Plan B has a much larger impact (I am still in Plan A myself).

As Hiker said, you can't talk her out of it, and I would suggest not even trying. Telling her you want it to end, that it hurts you, and focusing mostly on your feelings in a calm and respectful way is best. When she starts to fog babble just calmly and respectfully attempt to put in some reality by either reminding her of things that had really happened, what she had said before, or asking questions to show that it doesn't make sense.

A lot of people think I am crazy for even remotely believing that her and I will save this marriage, especially since she has said she has no interest in it, its over, etc. I know that the chances are very strong that we will save this...I feel completely certain, but have to admit that I could be wrong=)

I'm trying to give her a chance to come to her senses and realize this is a huge mistake. She blames me for being emotionally unavailable, depressed, neglectful, boring for six months... six months! and then she quit and decided in secret to move on. I didn't know our vows had a six month clause in it so no wonder I'm caught by surprise. She says the affair has nothing to do with our marriage. Said she decided in her heart it was over so it justifies her A. Now the damage has been done and she's in fantasy mode with this OM.

My question is: do these affairs typically turn into anything? She thinks he is her match (known him for around four months) is this common among affairs? I mean, I know it is, but I guess I just want to know that its doomed to fail (for my own ego). What are the odds this will be her ideal guy? If it is, in some insane way she will have been right about it all along... leaves me for the guy it works out with. Tell me I'm not the only one thinking that craziness!

corinth13, you're not the only one.

I'm going through the same thing. My husband feels caught between me and doing the right thing, or her, the woman who fulfills him, or something like that. If you read the MB website, it says that most of these things die a natural death within six months. The small percentage that do make it, only have a 25% marriage survival rate. Why? Because the relationships are grounded in nothing but lies and deception. I know how you feel, waiting for her to come to her senses. I'm waiting for my husband to come to his senses, too. And it's the most grueling thing I've ever been through.

I'll pray for you.

C -

Get "Not Just Friends" by Shirly Glass. Right away. It does a good job of describing who WSs pick as affair partners and why. Typically they pick damaged people. Because the WS is damaged WHILE they're making the decision to be with the OP.

For this reason, A marriages usally end in D. Most As do not even make it to marriage. Your WW has chosen someone to fill the few needs that you were not meeting. Now if you were meeting NONE of her needs then that works against you. Most likely you were meeting most but not all. So when the OM is relied upon to meet ALL of WW's needs the relationship usually crashes. That's what plan B is about. Pulling the ENs out from under the WS which make them realize - "crap. BS was doing more for me than I thought s/he was".

Based on the fact that she's making it clear that a friedship with you is important I would say that she already KNOWS that her OM cannot meet all her needs. Else why would she have to supplement him with you??

Usually Plan A is first but since she's not living with you - right? - Plan B is probably the way to go. Why should she have you as an intimate friend yet be with another man at the same time? Does that sound reasonable to you? Do you thing it would be reasonable to her if she was in your position?

Try it out on her - next time she brings up friendship, ask her - you know I'm having a tough time with this one. Say you were in my shoes, what would you do? Maintain friendship with me while I screwed the woman that broke up our marriage?

Regardless of what she says I would Plan B her.

Is the OM married? Kids? Does the OMW know??

Good luck friend.

There is of course a chance it could work out between them, but only 10% of affairs turn into marriages, and 70% (or 75%) of those marriages fail. Basically 3 in a hundred. rltraveled is right, I would also add that they fail because they do not learn from the mistakes of the existing marriage; whereas you have (or can!) which means that you know how to avoid all the old problems, or at least know what to tackle; they have not learned that.

I had an A of my own which began in Nov05, and was finally completely dead and gone by mid Jan06. Probably by Dec or so I was convinced that this was the woman for me, that I loved her and not my W and that my marriage had been a mistake, yadda yadda yadda. A lot of nonsense. It is now patently clear to me that the FOW is someone I could never have been with long-term, and that my W is the one I do and always have loved, even when I hid it from myself under the A. I said, did, and believed so many things that are obviously patently ridiculous...and now I'm eating my words.

Good luck, stay strong...try to keep yourself busy with things that make you feel better.

Well, here we are, total move out day is tomorrow. She hasn't been living here at all for the past month since I found out about the A, but tomorrow goes all her furniture with her. She still shows no empathy. Not even this phases her. Makes me wonder what it is I did to her to make her so indignant. Have to remember it's not just me, and I never made the decision to have a PA, either. Still hard though watching everything clear out. Taking all her stuff but leaving the wedding pictures. I'm making one final run at Plan A tonight but I know it's useless and really hard to act all together when someone's doing this to you. Hoping down the road my Plan A efforts will make her at least wonder about where she might have gone wrong, but she's convinced there's nothing left between us. Too many hurtful words, too many nights when we didn't say a word. Makes me wonder too much about where I could've fixed it.

Plan B starts Monday. Then move right into consultations and filing papers soon after that. Plan D is inevitable now since there seems to be no getting through to her. I feel like giving up one day and then I get new hope from somewhere the next. The hope seems to be killing me more than anything but then I hate giving up. Anyone been here before? What a mess!

Corinth13 - I am curious about your screenname. Why did you choose that particular name?

I think it has something to do with 1Corinthians 13 regarding love as God's design and purpose, especially with respect to marital partners, implying that you are born again and your wife is not. But I'd like to know from you if that is accurate or not, because it would have BIG bearing on how I might comment on the following Quotation from your post:


1. Self-centered worldview

2. God-centered worldview.

That's all for now until you have a chance to respond.

Yes, Corinth 13 is for 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails.

I keep praying God will intervene and make things evident to her about what she is doing. The consequences will show sooner or later but in the meantime I'm not holding out much hope for our marriage. She claims she is a Christian but then carries on this A, which makes it even more difficult to make her understand how wrong it is, besides that, she thinks I don't like her for who she is, so how can I talk to her about the weight of the issues we are dealing with when she just thinks I'm attacking her?

I wish I had always exercised the kind of love Paul is talking about in my marriage early on. I was not a perfect husband and really failed in many areas to be quite honest, but the fact of the matter is I am working diligently to reconcile and she will have none of it. She says she tried for a long time to get through to me and it didn't work so she decided in her heart it was over and quietly went about having an A. She says the A has nothing to do with our marriage since she had already decided it was over. I told her it has everything to do with our marriage but she doesn't seem to care. Says any efforts now are too late.

I am trying with everything I have to reach out to her but to no avail. She says that even if we stay together another ten years, then have kids, we may end up getting a divorce anyway so why not just end it now? Sure, why not just jump off a bridge too since we all know we're going to die someday?

Her point being, we are not a good match, claims she can't be with me because we are too different. I told her it's not our differences that make us incompatible it was our unwillingness to love each other despite them. A little too reasonable answer for her and she won't buy it. So, I guess our next move is a divorce. What can I do if she just continues to avoid the obvious, that if I was really this horribly callous person who is unwilling to change, why am I trying everything in my power to reach out to her and save our marriage? The answer is... it's not about me, it's all about her. And she wants a divorce.

I want to love her the way Paul talks about it in 1 Corinthians, wish I had done it better the first time around, but it's never too late to learn how. She says it's too late, I told her nothing is written if we don't want it to be. We have free will and we all have the capacity to change.

I totally understand, Corinth. Very similar to what my H says. "We're just not compatible," "We don't have enough in common," "She and I are so compatible we will never 'fall out of love.'" The biggest difference is that we've been married almost 16 years and have an 11 yo son. That's one thing that's kept him here, and, frankly, kept me here too, 1 1/2 yrs after dday #1 and he's still communicating w/ her. The biggest thing keeping him here, though, is that she refuses to end her M and leave her family. So she'll keep communicating and make my M impossible to repair, but she won't actually take him and I can't decided if that's good or bad.

So, maybe you should cut your losses and run. Sorry to sound so callous, but frankly, at this point, you've done what you can. If you want to continue trying I would support you in that, because I believe in marriage, but if she's refusing to end contact, what can you do?

Well, good luck, C. As was said by someone else, at least you learned something from this that you can take into your next R if this doesn't work out.

Take care,

Dulce

corinth13 - here's part of the "really tough" stuff you are going to have to face since your wife considers herself a Christian; your marriage is secondary to obedience to God's commands for both you and your wife.

Obviously the "big" problems appears to be with your wife, not with you, in the area of obedience, but the hard part for you is that until SHE repents and surrenders to God, there is little hope for your marriage. Simply put, if she will not surrender to God and obey His commands, why should you think she would surrender to you or the marriage in humble obedience of her marital vows?

So, the first order of business is to help her to see what she is doing is NOT "okay" with God and is, in fact, a statement that she does NOT love God and is NOT a Christian.

Let's face it, ALL Christians sin, but they cannot continue willfully sinning if they are truly saved because the indwelling Holy Spirit convicts us of sin so that we can repent of it. That is part of the "becoming more Christ-like" process we call Sanctification.

The Scripture is equally clear that unrepentant Adulterers will NOT be in heaven because they are NOT saved, regardless of what they might think or how they might try to "fool" themselves into thinkiing they are a Christian.

So let's get back to basics here for a minute, okay?



This is typical "Wayward Spouse 101" type talk. It is part of her trying to rationalize and justify willfully violating the 7th Commandment. Regardless, let's assume for a minute that you two are very different in many areas (so are my wife and I, btw), the argument is IRRELEVANT because you ARE married. God only allows divorce for ONE reason for a married Christian couple, and that "allowance" is only for the Faithful Spouse, NOT for the Unfaithful Spouse.

Now, all that aside, BEFORE there can be any work on "compatability" issues or "emotional needs" issues, SHE must face God (as she claims to be a Christian).

YOU continue to work on yourself through "Plan A" types of improvements and changes BECAUSE they make sense regardless of the ultimate outcome of your marriage. They are changes that make YOU a better, and hence, more desirable, person. YOU continue to pray as you have been doing.

If you are members of a church, it is time to approach the Pastor for a possible Matthew 18:15-20 intervention.

YOU need to closely evaluate your wife with respect to whether or not the two of you, together, can build a marriage that brings honor and glory to God or not. If "not," then you need to seriously consider Divorce. Understand that God "hates" divorce and will heal your marriage if you BOTH are willing to surrender to Him in humble obedience to His commands, no matter what you each may be "feeling" at any given time. God does NOT say "obey only when you feel like it." He says "obey, always."

The next step, if your wife is at least willing to try to recover your marriage is a twofold process.

1. ALL contact with the OM must end immediately and permanently, for the rest of her life. "Forsaking ALL others" is the covenant that is required for marriage.

2. Joint Christian Marital Counseling with a trained counselor is not a "good idea," it is a "MUST." You will both need the guidance and support of a person trained in saving marriages through submission to God. The basis of this is the Scriptural directive from Christ, "If you love me, you will obey my commands."

If you reach that point and want some help finding a counselor in your area, let me know and I can give you a link to a national association of counselors, many of whom provide their counseling services to Christians for free, as part of their ministry.

So, who, besides you, is talking to your wife currently about her behavior and God's position on adultery?



Yes, it IS about her. But it is NOT "hopeless." My wife had her own apartment, was planning to divorce me, had the papers drawn up and ready to serve, and had accepted a proposal of marriage from her OM. She had told the OM "I want you" in answer to his question to her, "What do you want?" when the 3 of us were standing 3 to 5 feet from each other. It does't get more "hopeless seeming" than that.

That was 4 years ago. Today she is in love with me and we are 99.9% recovered. How did it happen? She IS a Christian and realized that she had to choose God or reject God. Let a true Christian try "nailing Jesus to the Cross" all over again....it can't happen. Oh, a Christian can try to run and avoid being obedient to God, but as Jonah found out, you can't run far enough or hide well enough that God (who indwells all Christians) can't find you and make you confront the CHOICE your actions demand.

YOUR hardest part in all of this will be the waiting. Being patient while waiting on God and dealing with the terrible pain of betrayal by the one you love. Find comfort in knowing that what you feel, Jesus felt millions of times more as He took the sins of everyone on Himself. Find comfort in knowing that He left the Comforter with you. The Holy Spirit comforts you, intercedes for you, helps you, provides access to all of God's strength to enable you to.....stand.

God bless.

Thanks for the post Forever. I wonder, how long was your wife gone before she came back to wanting to reconcile? The patience part is really hard for me. I usually just want to face the issue and hammer at it until it's resolved. This has been part of the problem with my W, she shuts down when confronted with issues, and I have not been very patient with her. Something we needed to learn about each other that we missed. My tactics were called "verbal abuse," or "emotional abuse." While I just wanted to get at the issues, she took it personally and evidence of my rejection of her ideas and my lack of understanding. Obviously, she doesn't like taking responsibility for her actions; she blames her environment or other people (me).

One of my big concerns has always been for her relationship with Christ, subsequently I pushed her some to go to church, read the Bible, etc. She would never read the Bible herself and kept claiming she observed her spirituality in different ways. She never prayed with me out loud, never showed much interest in church or care groups. These things aren't required to being a Christian, but instead evidence of our faith and a hunger for the Holy Spirit in our lives. She began avoiding worship because she felt I was "forcing" it on her. Recently she said she finally went back to church after the sour taste of my heavy-handed tactics apparently subsided. If that's so, I keep hoping the pastor will do a sermon on Adultery!

I just feel as though this is a process my WW will have to go through, and it may take years. It's obvious also that we have been unequally yoked for a long time. She'll need some real painful experience or something; the weight gets too heavy, something like that. She is an incredibly stubborn person, as you can imagine and buys into the idea that we need to both just move on and learn from what's happened. I'm all for learning, but if she thinks she's setting the foundation for a more wise future, she is mistaken. This is the path of destruction she has chosen. But she doesn't recognize the consequences she'll have to face.

All I feel I can do is pray for her right now. She won't listen to anything I say. The only other godly advice she gets is from her mother, but as I've talked to her mom sounds like my W isn't taking it. She keeps clinging to this OM and will not give him up. When she asked to work on our "friendship" I told her it could not work if she's seeing the OM. She became angry and hasn't spoken of friendship since. Now she is talking divorce when before she was still fence sitting.

I just feel this is out of my hands now. She will not change until she is forced to by the stress of her own circumstances. The worse thing for her right now is that this relationship with OM actually stays together. If she would simply agree to leave OM, I would move for counseling right away. But she is placing all her hope in the OM I suppose. The problem is neither of us hold much nostalgia for our marriage, but to get her to envision a better tomorrow isn't easy. Promises are meaningless to her.

How do I get WW to realize being a Christian means addressing our sin and giving it to Christ, not just agreeing in a philosophy? Where was your W on her walk when she went astray? People (non-Christians) are telling me left and right to give up on this. To move on. I'm ready to do just that but then I read posts like yours and I begin to hope again. I'm not sure I want hope for our marriage anymore to be honest. I wish I COULD give up. If she were to come back she would have to be largely a different person, just as I am no longer the same since this began. I just don't know if that's possible in the near future.

Ahhh corinth....the truth is that you don't. It is God who works in her heart, not anyone else. YOU can stand for God and be a witness of that. An example if I may," I told my wife that if we were to divorce, SHE would have to be the one to file because I would not. I would go to my grave, whenever that might be, loving her as my wife and fellow bride of Christ.

It comes down to CHOICES that we each have to make every day. Each day there will be choices to be made. Choose humble obedience to God's commands no matter what is happening around you or how painful it is "today." "Painful" it will surely be. There were several times in the past four years when I was seriously considering throwing in the towel and ONLY the very thin, but unbreakable, thread that connected me to Christ was holding me safe from plunging into the "bottomless pit."

THIS IS NOT EASY! And anyone who says it is for anyone, believer or nonbeliever is wrong. Breaking commandments of God have serious, and often far reaching, consequences for all who are involved or touche by their breaking.



It is not. That is just natural "conflict avoidance" speaking.

You are her HUSBAND. She wants to "cakewalk" and adultery is forbidden by God. Will you stand for God, or not?

As long as she does not have to choose, she won't, because anything she chooses WILL involve pain for her, and she wants to feel good, not feel pain. But sometimes we have to endure some short term pain for the long term good. It's a poor analogy, but think of it like the pain of an immunization shot to prevent BIG problems later. Or the pain of repeated surgeries to correct serious problems and eventually return you to full health.

There is "Plan B" that follows a great "Plan A" because not all Wayward Spouses respond to Plan A. That is one of the big problems with Class II Entangled Affairs.

If you have not read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder yet, I would highly recommend you do so ASAP.

Also, if you want to read the "grim story," I can give you a link to my first thread here on MB that led to our separation and eventual decision to attempt recovery. It's very uncomfortable reading at times, but it also holds forth a lot of HOPE in the face the seemingly impossible.




Deep off the "narrow path." The path back is strewn with boulders takes time, much time. But that is precisely what Romans 8:28 is all about. The "good" that God makes out of all the circumstances in our lives is to make us more "Christ-like" in our individual walk. We all have much to learn and grow in that area, so think "long term," not "short term."



That's because recovery from adultery is HARD work. But the truth is that divorce is not easy either, it's simply another choice with it's own set of problems.




Uh huh. I felt the same way. Here's a question you need to ask yourself daily. Who do I TRUST? There is only one real answer....God. NOT me, you, your wife, anyone else.

God, believe it or not, IS in the "business" of making the impossible, possible.

GREAT is THY faithfulness, Lord, unto me. This is love, not that we love, but that God first loved us.

God bless.

Right now her main objective seems to be 1) escaping the pain of our marriage 2) seeking pleasure and reassurance outside of our marriage. The problem is these are both short term solutions or more accurately an avoidance of pain, since in the long term they her A will cause more pain then she has ever experienced before. When this first started and I was having a lot of visions of her with the OM I had to tell myself not to be jealous of what they were doing because I knew whatever pleasure they are seeking in the short term, kind of like an anesthetic, will at some point turn black.

I wrote her a letter which I gave to her today. In it I told her what the Bible says Adultery, and that she will suffer consequences for her actions but that we can both seek healing together now, instead of her continuing down her current path alone. She probably thinks she'll have this guy there to insulate her, but how long can that last?

So I've said the words, I've done what I can to warn her, told her I'm ready to pursue a godly marriage with her, but do I expect anything? No. Her response will most likely be more apathy. Maybe this will even convince her she can use me, or string me along. I've been watching for these signs, too, but they're really hard to decipher sometimes. Especially since I want to believe some change will come. That's a strong reason in itself to move away from her. Go Plan B. But if I don't give her any post-A reasons to believe I am not the jerk she wants to believe I am, why would she come back?

I asked her yesterday to tell me good things about our marriage and she didn't have anything to say. But truthfully, I'm not asking for our old marriage back, I want a completely new relationship with her. And despite her resistance otherwise, I want both of us to CHANGE. I told her we both need to seek Christ in this. So how do I show her the future has potential? Continuing to Plan A, but then I must deal with the possibility she will string me into an emotional nightmare all over again. It's not the waiting for the first A to end that scares me, it's going through another one.

For this to work at all, she must want to sincerely seek God in our relationship. She must show contrition. She told me yesterday she won't get on her knees and beg for forgiveness. I pray something will bring her to her knees which she will have no choice about. I pray for her to go through tremendous pain, not vengefully, but in order to draw her out of herself and toward Christ.

I've already told her divorce is not the answer, but she is firm on the fact we can never work out. I don't know if she would be saying this if she didn't have her boyfriend to fall back on. She says she wouldn't pick just anyone to date, assuming this is true, I'm afraid this guy may be around for a while. Is she really building a relationship with this guy? Or is this just WW thinking the antidote has been found? Is it just to alleve the pain for a while longer until the anesthetic wears off?

What were some of the problems that she complained about BEFORE the affair?

Would a friend hurt you this bad?

Would a true friend do the 1 thing that they know would hurt their friend more than anything in the world?

Do you believe cheating is an okay solution for a spouse who claims all needs are not being met?

Even if she came back, would you be able to forgive her and not beat her up emotionally for what she has done?

Corinth,

I have been in your shoes. You need to understand that you cannot shelter, protect, care for, or love a WW. Especially one that is immature and narcisisitic(sp?) Never shelter those you love from the consequence of their actions. Basically meaning let her go.

I was only married 1.5 years before I discover my Xww affair. Things where not bad. Ofcourse there are adjustments to be made,but a commitment is a commitment. You are going to continue to have "hope", but at this point, that "hope" is by far the most negative influence for your personal health and growth.

I filed for divorce 6 days after D day. She agreed. Divorce in California take 6 months to finalize. From month 2 to 6 I battled my pain and fears. During those months, she continued to ask me to return to a marriage without comprehension of the devastation she caused. Lack of maturity, lack of empathy, lack of commitment and values. Does this sound familiar? Would you want to be married to a person with those character flaws???

Please think rationally, and try not to make judgements based on fear.

Darrin

Hmmm...perhaps we should direct those questions to Jesus, the bridegroom of the church. I wonder what He would say in answer? No, I guess I really don't wonder, I already know because He has said what His "position" is on that subject.




Perhaps corinth is trying to make "judgments" base in LOVE, not in fear. "Cutting and Running" are based in fear. "Standing, hoping, and working" against seemingly (at the moment) impossible odds are based in Agape Love, CHOSEN as the response "of choice."




Really? Never? An interestingly narcassitic Standard, or at least a very unforgiving statement based in the "perfection" of the person holding such a Standard.

OK corinth, time out for some useful, practical advice:



Filing what kind of papers and by whom? I assume you mean for you to file for divorce.

Plan D may be inevitable, but why are you making a decision to file? There's a pretty simple but wise phrase that goes around here: Don't file for divorce unless you want one.

Again, Plan D may be inevitable, but let her make this choice.

In the meantime you can apply the MB plans and no matter what happens, you come out of this WAY ahead of the average bear.

What are your legal arrangements for the separation? Who's got control of your home, property, assets, and mundane things like filing income taxes?

As soon as this is arranged and you're physically apart, go immediately to Plan B and take control of your life. Sit back and let her take the Plan D steps - if she does. You're in no hurry.

Two things may happen.

1. The affair fizzles and she realizes she may have made a mistake leaving you. You may get a chance to rebuild your marriage from scratch.

2. The affair fizzles or not, yet she decides to divorce you. You do not assist her nor resist her. Let her do it all, making clear your preference that you do not want a divorce. You believe your marriage can be rebuilt. The divorce happens anyway, all by her hand.

Either way, you come out ahead, but not necessarily married. Rebuilding is not a sure bet, but you get a chance to try. No wondering what could have happened. Door #2 leaves you divorced, wondering what could have happened if SHE had given rebuilding a chance, yet you exit guilt free. Either way, you're VASTLY wiser.

corinth13 - WAT's suggestions are practical given your current situation. It is wise to make all preparations as if there will be a divorce. That includes contacting an attorney for a filing for "cause" if she proceeds with trying to making you out to be the "bad guy" in her choice to commit adultery. It is hard, because you still love her, but it is all part of of hopefully "reaching her" before it's "too late."

Having said that, do it all with the idea that should your wife choose the "worst case" scenario, you will be protected from her lunacy, but that you are preserving assets FROM a potential OM getting his slimy hands on them. Also, be ready to forgive when she reaches repentance before God.

Understand too, that while we are commanded to forgive when someone repents, you will also have to decide if you will remain married because you do not have to.

God bless.

Forever

I'm not here to argue with you as to how every marriage should be saved according to the god's intent. Having a unremorseful Wayward spouse so early in a marriage could become far more devastating with children involved.

I understand how we would like to follow in the path of Jesus (All forgiving) yet we as betrayed spouses in marriage have the RIGHT to dissolve a marriage that was defiled so soon in a marriage.

My statement as to "Never shelter those you love from the consequence of their actions." are to a degree something children are taught. I've seen many instances when people shelter or ignore immoral behavior that lead to much larger dire consequences. Some people need to hit bottom in order to stand up on their OWN FEET.

Corinth... I'm glad your getting many responses to your situation. We all can relate to one way or the other <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. I just want you to know, you have every right to dissolve this marriage. Consider what would have happened if children were involved. Can you imagine having an immature WW that galants around her OM with your children. Do you think that could be possible if you had kids?? Have peace Corinth. I wish you well.

Again make your decisions rationally without fear.

Darrin

Seoulman,

I would have to disagree, the point of the MB method of surviving an affair--at least this is what I got from it--is to ultimately affair-proof the marriage and rekindle lost (or dorment) love, passion, and ecstasy. So by facing an affair so early on in marriage, whether or not we succeed with this marriage since we will carry this knowledge with us, we prevent such difficulties when we have children, and we bring children into a home with so much more love, gaity, and happieness.

seoulman - well that's good, because I'm not here to argue with you either.

NO ONE, including me, argues that a Betrayed Spouse MUST reconcile with their spouse who committed Adultery, regardless of whether or not the WS is repentant.

But, the Betrayed Spouse HAS the choice to divorce or not to divorce. It is SOLELY in the hands of the Betrayed Spouse. MY "argument" is that divorce should almost always (there are a few rare exceptions) be the LAST resort after having first tried everything to save the marriage and restore the love between husband and wife.

Whether the betrayal happened "so soon" after the marriage began or "much later" in the marriage is "irrelevant" to the RIGHT to a divorce. Adultery, whenever it occurs, IS grounds for the Faithful Spouse to divorce if they so choose.

What is "harder" when it occurs early in a marriage is that they have had little time together to build upon, to weigh against the betrayal, even if the WS becomes repentant and wishes to remain in the marriage. But make no mistake about it, Adultery is extremely difficult to "deal with" no matter when it occurs.

Let's just say that I am firmly committed to TRYING to save marriages whenever and wherever possible, while knowing that some will not be saved because, ultimately, it DOES require the efforts of TWO people, not just one spouse alone.

God bless.

Forever

I seldom reply here. I've read extensively for 2 years and have read many of your posts. In essense, I agree and applaud you for your assistance to many people here. However on this case I hesitate in trying to continue dysfuntion when so much is at stake. Having experience with a young selfish etc etc WW. I take heart to Corinth situation. He will ultimately decide the direction of his life. We are here to shed some guidance to his ordeal, in which I can truly empathize.

Ultimately, I'm concerned with his "recovery" of self. It may be the opinion of others that taking the time and to continue his suffering may make him a better person. In this situation I disagree.

Darrin

I am totally in the same position as Corinth. My WH won't leave the OW either. WH said he is filing for divorce but is giving me the option of when to do it. We're meeting with our marriage therapist this afternoon and I'm terrified. I haven't executed Plan A completely. I need to tell his boss at work and my in-laws.

I'm just scared that WH will divorce me after he loses his job over the A. Our marriage therapist said not to disclose the A to his boss or parents, however, this has allowed WH to continue A, especially since he moved out at end of April. WH and OW work together which makes it more disgusting because I was releasing WH to OW every day.

Just last Saturday, I was at a concert and saw WH with OW! I was shocked. I climbed over 5 rows of seats to confront him. We talked briefly as I waved around my wedding ring in front of OW. They fled the scene. Since then, I haven't returned his calls. I hope he's shaking in his pants because Plan A's disclosure can do a lot of damage.

My Christian WH is living so deeply in sin. He won't meet with our pastors or Christian friends. I'm waiting for his repentance because I am ready to forgive him. Am I crazy?

Advice, anyone?

I think at this point Plan B must take effect. I gave her one final letter yesterday in which I pointed out over and over the fact that we are married, my love for her, I made it known that she IS committing adultery, talked about what I see in our future if we were to work at it, the hope that we can heal together instead of carrying along all these problems into our next relationship, and included as much as I could about God's belief in marriage and it's sanctity. I don't know what else I can say, and there's nothing I really can say that will make any difference either right now. I just wanted to plant some doubt (and hope) if possible before we stop communication.

Right now it feels really hopeless though. Impossible. At least for this marriage. Obviously I'll never relinquish hope fully, but she is a VERY stubborn person after all. She also lacks the moral clarity (obviously) to realize her need to repent, or may even have herself convinced she has already repented while still carrying on the A. She doesn't seem to have the stamina to last in a committed, long-term relationship. She gave up rather early. Oh yeah, if everything were always great it wouldn't be hard stay committed, but that's never going to happen. The way I see it every marriage will go through a dark time to varying degrees, but it has to happen.

Forgive me for my pessimism, but I don't have much confidence in her right now to actually do the right thing. I pray for her, I ask God to bring a change in her and every time I do so it seems like things became worse for our marriage. I just have to let it go now. Give it up to God and know I will be a better person out of all this. I just have to remember she made the decision to cheat, not me. I made a decision out of love to reconcile. I would much rather be in my position right now no matter how difficult it may be. I would not trade places with her for anything.

On the other hand (as I vacillate back and forth) I just hope that small amount of doubt and love for us she still has deep inside will win out. That she will find God through these circumstances which she will be held accountable for. If she is ever to change, this would seem to be the situation that pushes her that way. I believe this to be a major crossroads in her life. If she chooses to stay and attempt to heal, that in itself would signal to me she has opened up a lot of room in her heart and would begin the process of becoming more selfless. Maybe this is what God will use in her life to make that change.

Corinth,
I dont have time right now to respond...but I will this evening. But I ask before you make any decisions about this, wait and lsiten to some questions I have for you. As you approach Plan B, you really need to understand what Plan B is about. You need to be prepared to go there, because once you do it is hard to come back from it if you find out later you wanted to work on things.

So, wait until tonight and let us go thru your options together.

In His arms.

Ideas regarding getting ready for Plan B

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...page=0&vc=1

Plan A is just too brutal. It's a cycle of feelings which for me starts with wanting to give up completely, to seeing a glimmer of hope and acting on that hope (as in writing a letter, maybe making a phone call, or even extending an invitation).

I tell you the last two times we were suppose to meet she flaked out on me. She acted all interested at first. Then something would come up. They seemed like legitimate reasons but it was always something else. I ended up feeling like an idiot. I can't tell if she's just toying with me. Seems like she's taking her feeling of acceptance and then going on her merry way. So then the feeling of hope is shattered, then comes the confusion, depression after that, followed by the giving up again, then maybe the next day I read a post or a book and I start hoping again... It's craziness. I swear I've gone through this cycle at least three times already in one month and it's never pretty. In the meantime WW (at least in my mind) is having a good 'ol time with her boyfriend. Oblivious to all consequences. Our marriage pushed aside as a "learning experience."

How can anyone respect themselves through Plan A? I'm not saying it shouldn't be done by some people, rather, why should I?

Is my WW really worth all this? Aren't we all supposed to be responsible for ourselves here, recongize when we've done wrong and apologize? Does her A and subsequent total lack of understanding and empathy about my situation give her any right to have the love of this decent man? I dislike this notion that good people get trampled on. I dislike it when people tell me nice guys finish last. I'm not a nice guy! Remember, I'm the jerk who created this environment for WW to cheat! She said I was, now she says I'm a nice guy and wants to be friends. I'm not here to be a nice guy. I'm standing on the front lines trying to pull her back from slipping into a lifelong mess. And there's nothing I can do about it because she won't simply step out of herself and realize she doesn't need a boyfriend, she doesn't need a night out for Martinis, she doesn't need extra-marital sex to spice things up, she needs someone who's willing to go to battle for her, she needs God, she needs someone with some morality not some OM who will use her up and throw her away. I keep praying for her...

(((((corinth13)))))

It is hard.

It isn't fair.

There are no "pat answers."

Adultery is that serious.

You don't "have to" anymore than God "has to."

Most of us KNOW exactly what you are feeling and the thoughts running through your head because they are normal for all who have been betrayed.

So what's left?

Only YOU. Only you can choose. Only you can forgive. Only you can say the marriage is over because you are the Faithful Spouse. Only you can decide to try, or not try.

Just know that however you decide, God is with you to help you through all the tough times that come with "adultery fallout."

And so will be many here on MB, to support and help as we can.


I remember too well the thoughts you are having.
But tomorrow will be our 31st wedding anniversary and the 4th since we began recovery. There CAN be recovery, but as with most things in life, there are no "guarantees" aside from God's forgiveness for those who have accepted Christ.

God bless.

corinth - you're treating her like a normal person.

She's not normal - she's been abducted by aliens and had her brains scrambled.

Re-read rule #1.

Good news is that YOU'RE normal.

You're trying to sort out her behavior using rationality. A common BS mistake. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stop doing this. Stop trying to make sense of it. You can't. Hence your anxiety and confusion. Ever try reasoning with a drunk? Same thing.

Nope!! Your WW is NOT worth all of this. know what she deserves? Your WW deserves for you to kick her to the street, you take everything...and you move on with your life, never looking back in the rear view mirror.

So, let's get that straight right now. Okay?

But, the first question I want to ask you is this: is your WIFE worth this? Is your WIFE (notice I did NOT say WW) worth you doing everything you can to save her, to help her? did you mean the vows when you said for better or WORSE? And make no mistake...this is WORSE!!

Read the section at the bottom of this post. The one on the roles of husbands and wives. And then ask yourself...is she worth it?

WAT and FH are correct. You are trying to make sense out of nonsense. She is addicted to the OM. Read up on what Dr. Harley says about that. And ask yourself: if my wife had an addiction to cocaine, would I try to help her, to get her help...to help her recover? sure, you wouldnt like the addict. But wouldnt you want to know for sure that you can get yoru wife back from this? Dont you want to walk away knowing that you did everything you could?

Sure, Plan A is hard. That is why Dr. Harley says that it can only last so long (no more than about 6 months). But it is important. You said in a previous post that you hoped that she would remember your relationship and maybe come back. But right now, she really has nothing to go on. She doesnt have anything good to relate to. She cant remember that.

Plan A is about planting those seeds again. About exposing the affair to the light of day. About seeding doubt in the WW's mind that what she is doing is correct...that she really wants to leave you.

She does not have that right now. You going forward with Plan D (because if you go to Plan B without a good Plan A...you are essentially going to Plan D) will justify to her everything she is doing. You will be helping and enabling her in this.

But by Plan Aing, by exposing, by making her do all of the divorce work...the dirty work...you keep your hands clean...and maybe also get your wife back from the alien.

You will hear all sorts of things that dont make sense. You will see your wife sometimes, only to have her fall back into the fog again. Unfortunately, this is all a process! Just as the drug addict doesnt get clean overnight...neither will your wife.

You have a lot better odds that she will end up with you, then she will end up with the OM. But even if she does leave, by going thru this process, you will be better off emotionally and will have learned invaluable things about marriage, relationships, yourself...that you will be able to offer to someone else in the future.

If you just walk away...you learn nothing.

As FH said...you are justified in walking away. God has given you that option. And that option will remain, even if you try. So, why push the nuclear button before you know the score? Why be in a rush?

I know it hurts. Been there...done that! But soem things in life...especially those that mean something...require pain and sacrifice.

How much is your wife worth? I can tell you the answer to that. Wanna know it?

She is worth what you are willing to pay for her.

We will be here for whichever you decide. And you arent wrong no matter which way you go. It is your life. I jsut wanted you to understand some of the things that you dont quite see yet...but you will if you will try. And then make a decision knowing what your true options are.

I have been where you are. And didnt understand these principles too well...didnt want to hurt any longer. But even though my marriage may end...I am glad I have gone thru this process. I am glad, for so many reasons, that I did not quit.

Everyone knows what Mrs. Mortarman is worth. Everyone has seen what I have been willing to do, to sacrifice to get Mrs. Mortarman back from the WW. Mrs. Mortarman was an incredible woman.

And if things end, I can walk away knowing I did everything I could. And I have learned so many things during this. Things that I know that the old Mrs. Mortarman or a new one will benefit from.

Your call Corinth.

In His arms.

Aside from our M, I want to help my WW heal. I still want my M to work, but I'll admit something here, I don't want any phase of my old M. Very little of it is worth going back to. That is a major problem for us, and for her, because she has very little to hang on to and weigh against the A as someone else put it. The bright side is, she knows I am someone she can trust, despite everything I've managed to LB, she knows my integrity is intact. That's about the only thing working for me at this time.

We never found a groove in our M, we never reached a happy plateau where things were chugging along. We were both just very immature about expectations, roles and how marriage really was. We walked into it blindly and wandered around it blindly. I told her we didn't have to blame each other for it, just start fresh and work on it. But by that time she had shut down and found the OM. (Side note: If she had been shut down to me for a while, does that make the bond to the OM stronger?)

So not having anything nostaglic to look back on makes it very difficult to convince her it will all change. (My LB level was pretty high for a while.) I've been trying to "visualize" how it could be in the future and relaying that to the WW. Envisioning us being in love.

She must think I'm nuts. She never reacts to it, not that I expect her to. But I wonder if it's planting doubt, or if she is just mocking my idea of a good M with her. Am I just reaching? Am I just being idealistic in thinking it could change and that we could be a whole couple again?

I can envision it because I'm thinking forward, she's thinking backward. Should I make those promises in Plan A (thanks to some posts here I'm going to keep trying but I need some Plan A advice). Should I keep writing letters, poems, and talking on the phone? Should I offer friendship? And what about the OM, shouldn't I request it end everytime I talk to her?

The fact is I need to become a better person out of this, wiser for my own sake and the sake of my future W, whether it be this one or another.

This is actually a very healthy outlook.

The "old" marriage was flawed as evidenced by the affair. Why go back to that??

This is one of the major premises of Plan A > that the old marriage was diseased and the affair is merely a symptom of that disease. You, similar to most BSs, very likely contributed to the disease. Your Plan A introspection and improvements address your parts.

Yes, yes, and yes - in moderation. I suggest you not smother her.

It's typical for WSs who recognize a BS's improvements to say something like, "Why now? What took you so long? If you had only relized your faults sooner maybe it wouldn't have gotten to this point - too late."

To this, a BS should respond, "This has been a HUGE wake up call to me. I'm scared as he11. I want nothing more than to fix my flaws and rebuild a better marriage." - or words to that effect. This doesn't mean that the BS was the primary contributor to pre-affair marriage disease. If the WS wants to finger point at a mea culpa like this in their denial, oh well. Let her. She'll come around.

No.

This is not about OM, although the affair has to end before rebuilding can commence. You set your boundary early and firmly that you object to any further contact with OM. But don't nag about it. In her intoxication she'll spite nagging by "showing" you she can do anything she wants - perhaps even flaunting her contact with him.

JMHO

WAT

Well, I'm ready to declare this one over. Beware: this post is very negative on my part.

Talked with the WW tonight. She came to get more of her stuff and so I asked her about our situation and she pretty much came out with it for the first time very plainly. The answer is: she is completely over our M. No remorse. No cares about moving on.

She claims she loves me, but "can't explain" how she has no real romantic feelings for me anymore. Says she isn't sure if she ever had them. Says we'll both learn something from this M and D and go forward.

I asked her to stay and talk but she had to go out with some friends. She didn't see a need to talk since we have no chance for reconciliation. Says she doesn't want to give me false hope. I admit I shouldn't have asked...

She said we could hug before she left. I refused.

She said she still wanted to be friends. I refused. Told her we couldn't be friends after what's happened between us. She seemed perplexed. Then she started crying a little...

I asked her why she didn't think we could build our M back again. She said she just knew she would never truly be happy with me.

I'm telling you, when she says these things she is not in a fog, she doesn't seem confused, she actually seemed self-assured, confident, happy with herself, didn't skip a beat. Totally lucid. Just says she doesn't know if she ever really loved me romantically...

I know I'm not supposed to believe anything she says, but I tell ya, I believe it. This woman is dead set on walking out. She shows no interest in repentance for the A, just an interest in the friends she's meeting up with tonight.

Where did my W go? Forget W, where did the person with a soul go?

There is no chance for reconciliation. Says she knows we took vows and made a commitment but really just knows deep down it wouldn't work out between us...

Boy, I wish I could tell the future like that.

I don't think there's a plan to deal with this kind of thing. I set myself up for this, too. Feeling like a dope. So why do I care about marriage again? I'm talking in general, why do I care about it? It means nothing to too many people now. Even when they say "I do" they mean "I don't care."

Sorry about this post, this is venting big time. I have no need to be trampled on by someone who obviously doesn't need a husband when their OM is waiting at the bar!

I just got dumped by my own W... again. I don't think this M will last even if I did care. I don't want to care anymore. Is there a quick and easy why to suppress the caring?

Maybe the early posters were right and I should be filing for my first D. Problem is... I still care. Now I feel like the mentally ill one. Why can't I give up!

Corinth13,

I'm in the same position with my WH. He doesn't show any sign of repentance either and is set on D. I was sobbing uncontrollably like a baby at our MC appt on Tuesday. Although he continues to hurt me, I'm definitely not going to file D. Let the WS take care of that.

Make the WS take on that burden of filing. Until then, I've continued to pray fervently. I'm not giving up on my WH. Most of my friends think I'm crazy (including my therapists), but the M isn't over until the D is finalized.

God has a plan for all of this. I don't know what his plan is for my M but I'm willing to be patient. Yes, I think I'm going crazy myself but I'm convinced the "real" H is going to come back. Seriously, did H mislead me for 5.5 years? We've only been married for 2! It's insane how the A has changed WH's perspective on M.

It helps to keep yourself busy in the meantime. Sigh...each day is a challenge...Right now, there's no contact with us, which is Plan B...I'm just letting WH live entirely in sin...It's better than allowing him to be a cake eater.

"Well, I'm ready to declare this one over. Beware: this post is very negative on my part. "

corinth, we all, or at least all the Betrayed Spouses, understand this feeling VERY well. The enormity of the pain and the seemingly utter hopelessness in the face of one who is so caught up in the blinding folds of sin is REAL and VERY hard to deal with. The "Taker" inside all of us screams "enough!" The "Taker" screams "why should PAY for YOUR choice to sin?!" The "Taker" screams "outta here would end the pain!" And it will end some pain, but it will also add other pain.

Ever wonder what sort of thoughts went through the mind of the "fully human" Lord who knew He was being despised and rejected by those He loved?

The Garden of Gethsemene gives us a brief glimpse of his innner pain and turmoil over betrayal and rejection and what He was doing .... "this is love, not that we love, but that God first loved us" .... undeserving, unlovable, saying hateful and spiteful things, twisting reality to support their choice to continue sinning .... "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

Yes corinth, we DO understand and we hurt with you and we try to come alongside of you to support you in this time of need.




She is not "required" to have "romantic feelings" for you. God does not command women to love their husbands, including Eros Love. But lack of feelings is NOT the issue, nor is it justification to commit adultery or to divorce. So she is right, you WILL both learn something from her outright decision to sin against God and against you.




Though painful to you, those were the right answers. "Marriage" is much more than friendship. That she thinks Adultery is okay indicates that she doesn't understand. It's the reverse side of the "coin" of adultery and "No Contact." Since there are no children involved, and I am not convinced that she is a Christian, Paul's advice to the unevenly yoked would seem appropriate, as would the Matthew 18:15-20 advice for dealing with willful and blatant sin in the lives of a professing believer. Bottom line, she can't have her cake and eat it too.




This IS what the blinding effect of sin is like. Totally self-centered and self-absorbed. Stand for Christ. It's all that you can in Agape Love right now.




To Satan. Believing the lie that he first told Eve, "God didn't REALLY mean what He said." "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery" does not allow for "allowable conditions" or for "feelings" to override God's crystal clear commandment.




Because you love your wife and you love a fellow professing Christian who is "lost" in sin. Just like Christ.


God bless and strengthen you during this difficult time.

Well Cory, many, many BSs here and here before can identify with your description of your wife.

It's all straight from the script. They can be very sure of themselves. Pretty amazing what the human mind can justify and rationalize.

I'll suggest to you what I usually suggest to similarly situated BSs like ready2wait - stay the MB course and go to Plan B at your first opportunity. Then let her take all the remaining steps to divorce. Do not resist, but do not assist. At every step repeat your mantra that divorce is premature because rebuilding the marriage deserves a shot.

You may end up divorced no matter what. But if that happens, you can exit guilt free. You did everything within your power to prevent it. In the formal divorce process make sure that you DO NOT agree that the divorce was voluntary and in your pleadings state you don't think it's necessary. Name OM as her accomplice.

In the end, all of the decisions will have been made by her, she will carry the burden going forward, and the record will state the truths.

JMHO

WAT

The WW is riding high on a few things right now, her professional success, her satisfaction with the OM, her self-image is up because she is a desired woman again, she is exercising her independence, and she seems to have found a group of people who do not judge her and moreover support her current lifestyle choices.

She's on the buzz of worldy success. In the world's eyes she is a success. Young, attractive, making strong decisions on behalf of herself... what's not to like about that?

Until she is convicted by the Holy Spirit my WW will continue down this path.

It's out of my hands now.

I am no longer a factor in her life.

This is hard because I made a vow to keep her and protect her. But at this time she has no need for morals and most likely sees me as a complete detriment to her pursuit of real happiness and passionate pursuits, excitement and fulfillment. I have restrained her for too long in her eyes. I am just this boring Christian who talks about healing and devotion and unconditional love, what do I know?

I am baffled by my WW's behavior. Her arrogance and lack of remorse regarding her actions are numbing. Nothing seems to bother people like this, blinded by their own selfishness and uncaring for people who love them. Why do I care? When I am only gaining pain and suffering for my WW?

It makes me wonder where is justice when wickedness seems to be rewarded. I was recently told to look at Psalms 73:3-28. The author addresses this:

3 For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
4 They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong. [a]
5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.
6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
they clothe themselves with violence.

12 This is what the wicked are like—
always carefree, they increase in wealth.
13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
14 All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning.

16 When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me
17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny.

18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
you cast them down to ruin.
19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
completely swept away by terrors!

23 Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

I need to remember this... that it is better to suffer for good, then to walk confidently in deception.

So now it's been four days since we've spoken. I'm not sure if I should make any more attempts to work with her or if I should just stay silent and let her figure things out on her own.

At this point I believe only God's intervention can save this M. I think I'm just going to let her experience what she wants to experience and if she files for D, let her file.

If she doesn't stop it from finalizing, let it finalize.

She has already said she has no hope for reconciliation. I am baffled by that statement. To me it just rings of immaturity. We all need reconciliation and the more the better. I can't imagine it any other way.

It's like taking a gunshot wound and then refusing medical attention because you don't like the way the doctor treats gunshot wounds, then using a local anasthetic instead to mask the pain in an attempt to forget the wound was ever there.

It just shows me she doesn't understand what marriage means. It has less to do with me at this point since I want to change and work and fix problems and it has everything to do with her need to indulge. It seems like she also has some serious issues with intimacy and therefore commitment. I'm willing to help, but she must be willing to try.

I hope somehow or someday she recognizes the importance of devotion. Only God knows when and if that will happen.

So I trust in Him daily and let Him take me where I need to be. The WW is out of my hands now and in reality I cannot make her happy. She needs God to do that.

Thanks to all who have posted. FH, WAT, Mortar, and all others, your advice is appreciated. I'll post more as things develop, but it looks like I'm going into the silent/waiting period for a while. Patience, patience, patience...

Corinth,

Just a question: What have YOU learned from all of this?

You seem to think you are accountable for your W's choices, decisions, delusions and lack of faith. Yet, you KNOW it is not in your hands. You KNOW life is about learning, so out all of this mess what have YOU learned?

How will you lead your life better, more happily, more productively in the future?

Stop focusing on her, she has NOT asked for your help. She is delusional and may remains so for a long time who is to know? Not me, not you, surely not her.

Move on to plan B, and if she files there is little you can do for that but...LEARN. You have an OPPORTUNITY here, not what you wanted or wished, not one you are enjoying, but an opportunity just the same to learn, grow, and have a better life. Make the most of it.

You are and will survive this and you will have less to fear because of going through this. What would you do with your life if you did not fear many things? Would it be good or bad?

Time to focus on you, and your future my man.

God Bless,

JL

Ditto what JL said.

And I would be interested in hearign the answer to his question.

In His arms.

JL, Mortarman, all others,

I hope I've learned what love means. Love is an action, it is a verb. It means we sacrifice our own comfort to help the person we love. It means I decide to do what is in their best interest as opposed to mine even when I cannot see how it may help me in the future.

My WW still tells me she loves me. But she can't love me when she is wayward because she is doing exactly the opposite of love. She is serving herself before me. She is exercising the opposite of her statement. To her, love means what she gains from being with me.

She still values some parts of our relationship, but wants to go out and lay claim to the other parts she thinks she's missing. She is doing for herself (in her own words) "what is best for me [her]."

Love is not an emotion. Love is an action. It is a choice. Just as our M vows were a choice to love.

Love is selfless. Pride is selfish.

That is first. And although I may have heard it before, or thought I understood it before, I never truly knew what love meant until I went through this. It means realizing how my actions affect other people, especially the people I claim to "love."

Now when I see my WW tell me she "loves me" I can understand exactly what love is not. So I have tried to show her instead what love is, knowing she will reject me for it, insult me for it, tell me things about our relationship that are probably false, and then walk away to another man.

So only through these last few weeks have I also understood what Christ's love is like toward mankind and, in turn, me. When I pray and tell Jesus I love Him, but then turn around and willingly commit sin, how does He react?

He continues to love me. The problem is, I am not Christ, and when my WW tells me there was never anything between us, I tend to believe her, because I focus on flaws too much and I have a lot of them and I know it! So then I blame myself for, not all of the circumstances, but some of them.

What I need to learn from my end of this broken M is how I treat other people and especially my future W.

I must understand that I cannot control anyone. Understand it, then practice it. Not enough to just know in theory. I cannot make a person believe how I believe or manipulate them into understanding what I want them to understand. I must do as God does, let them live freely and simply use what influence I have to SHOW them why it may be a better way to live. Also knowing that I don't have all the answers, point them also to God, then LEARN with them.

Number 1 complaint from WW, I tried to mold her. I wanted to control her. I was hard and harsh on her ideas. Only now do I realize I was even doing this. I just thought being the H, I needed to show some assertiveness and make a stand. Instead of being a husband, I was being a tyrant. That is from my end, and she quickly shut down. I had no idea it was even happening until she had already closed the door. I keep kicking myself for this.

I am only human so I must learn to forgive myself. For everything. I must learn to forgive and then love myself. When I can effectively do that, I will then be able to love my future W better. Now this is in practice, because it takes time to change behaviors. But hopefully I can do it because I now understand what love is.

I edited this post because it was too long, and I felt like it was asking for too much.

Truth is today I feel like I've learned nothing, maybe because I have no one to practice it on.

Pretty down today.

Thanks to all who have posted on this thread. I've been checking it periodically for insight and support when need be.

It's been six weeks since D-day and she has all her stuff out now. Not much contact in the last two weeks at all. I've been silent besides a couple of emails, of course there is no response. I invited her to church in the last one. Soon, I'll end those, too.

I wake up in the morning and realize this is really happening. Hard to believe it. I am baffled by her willingness to throw it all away.

But I'll keep praying and leaving the door open until it's time to let it go. I'm not sure when that will be but I just ask God to make it apparent when the time comes. In the long run I know I'll be better off for doing this. She also needs to know not everyone cuts and runs when it gets tough.

Galatians 6:8
"The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life."

Hi, Corinth,

I just found your post, and I can see you are well into this thing, and getting expert advice, so you're in good hands! (Including the Lord's)

I just wanted to add a few points from someone else who was where you are now. When my H and I split up (he did the walking), we had both been away from the Lord. That didn't help our M in any way - and in fact, probably had a lot to do with why our M was so off-track.

Well, I won't go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say my H said ALL the same things your WW is saying now. In fact, after he left (and I had NO CONTACT with him for over a year! When he left, he was GONE), I had nothing to turn to for support except this forum, and going back to the Lord - which I'm ashamed to have to say, I should have done before it got us to that point! Well, we didn't, and obviously God had to use that experience to get us BOTH back.

As you can read from the profile on the bottom of my post, God brought us both back together again (by very extraordinary means, I might add!), and my H is now very sold out for the Lord. Well, so am I, but I came back to the Lord through this situation before he did, and he began coming back to the Lord afer the very tragic events God used to get his attention!

My main point to you is this: My H was VERY certain he was going to do what he was going to do. I, at one time, TOLD HIM "God does not want us to divorce!" His exact words were: "I DON'T CARE! I'm GOING TO DO IT ANYWAY."

And he did. And about a year later, God got his attention, and turned everything around so that all he could do was focus on God to get back up on his feet and find truth...which he had walked away from, and pretended his disobedience was his new truth.

Hope this helps! Prayers to you to be strong and lean more on HIM.

God Bless,

Aloha Lupolady!!

Howzit?

Send an e-mail to let me know how u r doing.

Aloha,
L.

Lupolady,
Your story is so inspiring. My WH said the same thing about divorce, "I know God doesn't want divorce but this is what I want." He said he no longer prayed because he knew divorce was wrong. He stopped leading our Bible study and recently stopped going to church. I continue to pray fervently for my WH's heart to be softened and for his repentence.

Corinth & "Ready"

Let me just give a few points of wisdom from having gone through all this....

This is especially for you, Corinth....

HANG IN THERE! If you are truly "committed" to saving your M, then YOU have to be the one to "stand in the gap" during this time your S is losing their mind.

Jesus showed us what unconditional love looked like. He expects us to show it to our fellow man. Corinth, sorry, brother, but [color:"purple"] YOU [/color] are talking like someone who will show "unconditional love" as long as your WW is showing it BACK. You are talking like you are ready to throw in the towel just b/c she is still saying she is sure she wants a Div. and she wants OM rather than you. Corinth, she can't think straight right now! She WILL hurt your feelings. She WILL break your heart over and over. She may not mean it, but she really isn't thinking about you right now. This is why it's important for you to stand fast, stand in the gap, be loving at all times, and show her Christ's love, the Love He shows constantly to His Bride, no matter how much WE break His heart.

Yes, she is being selfish, nasty, unGodly and disobedient. BUT - that does not absolve you of YOUR responsibility as her H to do what God expects of you! That means praying for her, to protect her from satan's lies (which has already started happening). You must continue to cover your W in protecting prayer from satan as long as she IS your W! This is unconditional love.

I hope you understand this when I say - er - write it - BUT, I also believe God expects you to pray for OM too! He is a sinner in need of God.

Now, THAT'S unconditional love!

God Bless,

Thanks for the post Lady,

Yours is an incredible story, it's good to hear that sometimes even a tragedy such as an affair and divorce can end up with healing and mending.

As far as my situation, I've also told my WW that divorce is not the answer and she responds by saying "she could never truly be happy with me." Beyond that she's also given me a laundry list of reasons she cannot be with me. These are all things she doesn't like about me and I admit, some of them are true. I agree, I have faults! But it sounds like she's rejecting my personality.

This stuff all cuts so deep, I'm having a hard time with it. My biggest problem is how would I be able to rebuild after so much rejection and betrayal? The other problem is, she's not asking me to. She firmly wants this divorce and is carrying on a full relationship with OM and is proud of it.

The truth is, aside from God there's really nothing anyone can do for her. I pray for her everyday, I've also prayed for OM. But I also pray God will allow me to see when I should move on and I believe that time has come.

If God blocks this, or if my WW begins to show even a shade of remorse, I will wait, but honestly, she is one of the most self-centered, stubborn people I have ever met, and I have a hard time believing she will come to her senses anytime soon.

Like I said I'm trying to leave this to God and take time and be patient; however, I admit I am losing faith.

Corinth,

I totally understand the "losing faith" stuff. I also understand the "What would you have me do, Lord?" stuff.

I just stayed in the Word. Kept praying, kept seeking. HE let me know I wasn't going to be turned loose from my M vows. Even when my H was saying (and getting) the div.! We were divorced for a whole year before he started "coming around" - and we started a dialog. After that, another year of "dating" and talking, until we re-married (as close to our original marriage anniversary date as we could arrange!)

After a year of NO CONTACT, and continuing toward the inevitability of div., I conditioned myself to it, I believed it was my future, and I prepared for it. I even prayed that God would give me grace to get through it without too much pain. Yes, it's true, I was also NOT the proper wife I should have been. But, Corinth, That does not exonerate your S from their own obligation to remain in the marriage and work to make it better. So STOP beating yourself up here. Stop saying this is all inevitable b/c of YOUR behavior!

Your WW made the decision to leave the M vows and seek comfort somewhere else. Instead of talking to YOU, seeing a couselor, whatever, she left. That doesn't mean you don't have stuff to "clean up." We all do. It just means that you need to stop beating yourself up! You need to find out what Jesus is trying to teach you through this, and LEARN IT!

That's the only way you'll become the man He intends for you to be, and prepares you to be the HUSBAND you were meant to be. Maybe for her in the future, maybe for someone else. But in the meantime, get to work! Get to fixing YOU!

Take care,

God Bless,

Lady,

Thanks for the post. I need to hear this stuff. I know it's not all my fault. I KNOW it in my head, but it's easy to fall into pathetic thinking and a negative self-image after this kind of blatant disrespect by the one person who promised to stay by me.

One side of me wants to lash out at her, but the side of me she claims is not there, the side God is working on, KNOWS she is hurting badly and has deep compassion for her and where she's headed. I realize this may be how God changes her into the matured, unselfish woman she can be, just as He is also working on me.

So I wait to see what can God do with her but I have to let her go. I have no control over her.

My Hope is in the Lord completely. I pray for my WW everyday and I would like nothing more than to see her become a godly woman, a humble Christian soul and for us to heal together. But this is asking for a miracle. I wonder if I'm hoping for someone who is not my wife.

The other thing is: God may do this away from our marriage. This may not be the place for me anymore. So I'm waiting on Him, ready to go where He asks me to... trusting Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

I need healing and I desperately seek His face every day. I'm reading many books and examining where I can change myself. And as you said, either for my current wife or for my future wife. Either way I will be walking with the Lord and growing into a better person.

Corinth,

I just wanted to let you know how touched I am by your perseverance. While typing this, my eyes are welling up with tears because I feel your pain.

Every day, I go through WH's laundry list of things that I have done wrong in our M. The list is true, I could have done a lot of things better but I am working on it. Yes, I did take my M for granted. I took my H for granted. I am so sorry that I was ever moody or stressed around him. I am putting my entire heart into improving myself while my WH is still in the A, disrespecting our sacred vows and disobeying God.

I've accumulated a new collection of Christian books, ones that have guided me onto a path of self-improvement, spiritual growth and better communication. It's just too bad that WH isn't around to witness my changes. I continue to pray that one day WH will return to see the changes I have made.

Jeremiah 29:11 has been my most favorite verse during this turmoil.

I've released WH over to God. In the meantime, I continue to pray for WH and for our M. WH may have filed but our M isn't over.

Blessings.

Ready,

IMVHO, from what I've gathered over these past few weeks marriage is, among other things, about forgiveness. It is allowing each other to make mistakes and then learning from them together and moving forward with life.

That is part of the process of marriage and under that agreement there should never be divorce because no matter how seemingly insurmountable the problem, both H and W will either forgive themselves or the other for any transgressions.

Looking back on my M, I see how stupid I was in so many areas. I look back and I wonder how I could've made such boneheaded comments or took such an absolutely ridiculous stand on an issue that meant nothing. And most of the things I thought were so important mean nothing now that my wife is gone.

Not all of them, but a lot of them. What I'm saying is: I made a thousand mistakes. At least a thousand! And I can't take those mistakes back. I can't. They have either been said or acted out and now they just are, but no matter how stupid I was, no matter how inexperienced I am, no matter what, none of my mistakes are unforgiveable.

I did the best I knew how under the circumstances.

Now in fairness to me, not everything I did was boneheaded. I did many great things in my marriage, and so did you, Ready. And you will continue to do great things in life and possibly for your H still. If not for him absolutely in your next marriage.

We are not bound to our past, thank God. If we believe that, then Jesus died for nothing on the cross.

I'm working on forgiving myself for my part of the M. I have approached God with it and He forgives me, I have asked my WW for forgiveness and she says she forgives me (I'm not so sure about that yet) and I'm working on forgiving myself and my WW. It takes a commitment every day to do that.

With everything I've learned about M and relationships I see now how ill-equipped we both were in dealing with the realities of M. That means BOTH of us, not just me.

Forgiveness is the key. For yourself and your WH.

I know simply from the fact you are still loyal to your WH you have many more good attributes than bad ones.

Use your past as a rudder to steer in a new direction. Don't forget it just yet, but use it for good.

And remember, there is comfort in the Lord. Dig deep and trust in that fact. Take your sadness and regret to the foot of the cross everyday and offer it to Christ Jesus. He wants to experience this with you. He is taking every arrow of rejection right along side of you. He isn't just an abstract idea but a Savior who is with us each and every moment if we ask Him to be.

Rest in Him.

Corinth,

Thank you for your wisdom. I am very blessed to have "met" so many knowledgable people such as yourself who are so well-versed in the Word. I'm fairly new in my walk with Christ for it was my WH who brought me to Him more than five years ago.

I asked for forgiveness from my WH months ago and he forgave me. However, he is completely disregarding our M as anything sacred. He's a changed man, a man changed for the worst. I am heartbroken by his selfish decisions and lack of respect for me and God.

He just e-mailed me today and wanted to remind me about the D papers. Sigh...

What is God's plan? God hates divorce.

Ready,

I wish I were wise, these are just things I've heard during my struggles with my WH and her affair.

My heart is broken, too, and I'm sorry this has happened to you. I read somewhere that adultery, quite simply, is the "scarlet thread of human tragedy." It is a perplexingly horrible thing, done by people we thought we knew and who made lifelong promises to us.

Adultery is done in secret, in the darkness, and it is surrounded by shame, guilt and pain, and yet with all this to its name people still justify it and continue to participate in it to their own detriment.

For rational people, it makes no sense but that's because it's not for us to understand, and I've realized that this is a good thing. If you could understand it, Ready, you wouldn't be right in the head. But since you are thinking clearly (oh, your emotions may be in turmoil) you are not meant to understand this.

I wish there were something anyone could say to heal the pain quickly and easily; however, it is a process.

All I can say is you SHOULD experience the pain, grieve fully and completely, don't ignore it, let it out. It will help you heal. Feel it when it comes, and don't chase it when it's not there.

Don't ever believe you deserved this. You didn't, this adultery was brought on by your WH. We as BS's can never hear this enough.

But keep allowing the pain to work it's way out. Seek Christ through this always, He is there for you. And begin to relieve yourself of the responsiblity for this. It is not your fault.

Do you have other friends or family you can talk to? I've been talking with many people.

A couple of websites I've looked at are www.bgea.com and www.troubledwith.com Read everything they have to say about adultery and separation.

2 Peter 3:9 says "The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

You asked what God's plan is? I believe it is for all of us to seek Christ in our lives. When we do that, many other things will become apparent. It may seem like time is moving slowly and painfully, but God will bring you out of this and He will bless you for your faithfulness.

Ready, if your WH really acts like he wants to leave, let him. Release him. A couple weeks ago I wrote my WW an email telling her that I'm letting her go. I wished her good in her life, but said I will not try to keep her. I told her I think divorce is not the answer and that I love her but that she is free to go.

And I am prepared for that. If she divorces me, then I will move on with my life. For one, my relationship with God has been absolutely reaffirmed. I know I will be taken care of no matter what. I visualize my life beyond this marriage, and you know what, it's not half bad. Without being unrealistic about it, believe your life will be better whether you are with your WH or with your future husband. It is worth knowing you will not be abandoned in the long run.

Have faith in God, turn your thoughts to Him and let your WH experience the full impact of his choices. This may be how God works something in his life.

Blessings,

Ready........Corinth,

Have either one of you ever visited this site?

www.rejoiceministries.org

It was also a fountain of information and a ROCK to hold onto during the worst of my struggle through this.

God Bless,

Hi Corinth and Lupolady,

Thank you for the websites. I need all the resources I can get.

Thank you, Corinth, for your advice and input. As always, I am learning so much through what you have to tell me. It's very unfortunate that we are having to go through such agonizing pain with our spouses. I have to train myself to re-focus during the day because my mind has been wandering too much since my H became a WH.

I continue to find comfort in the Lord. I will continue to have faith in God. My relationship with God has been further solidified as well. What a huge blessing to find comfort in God who is always so loyal and faithful.

I just discovered that my WH is worshipping at another church. I am frustrated that he abandoned our church only to "start over" at another church. Could he be "pretending to be a Christian?" I want him to be held accountable for his sin. I wonder if Matthew 18 can be useful here. I'm frustrated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Ready,

I've been praying for conviction of sin for my WW as well, but as I haven't talked to her in ten days, so it's hard to say what's going on with her other than that she is hurting deep down.

She also told me she was attending church. She said she always felt like I "forced" her to go, so now she's going on her own accord. To me this is nothing but a good thing because (assuming the church doesn't support adultery) my WW will be exposed to the Word of God. This will help convict her of sin and give her a chance to turn her life over to Christ. Sooner or later something will seep in and so I'm thankful she is going. I hope she keeps going.

You should be glad your WH is attending, don't worry if he's "pretending" or not. You already know he's pretending many things right now but I'm not sure going to church will help him believe he's not sinning.

While praying and seeking God I suggest trying to do some practical things for yourself like exercising, meeting up with friends, or getting involved in church. I know it's hard, but it will be worth it.

God Bless,

Corinth,

You're right. Exposure to the Word of God is always a good thing. I found it so ironic on d-day when I found his Bible sitting in his car. When he moved out, he took his Bible with him. I found reassuration in that but it didn't go very far considering he is in still the A.

After the initial shock of seeing that he tithed at another church (I have access to his acct), I felt grateful that he is at least seeking God on his own. Hopefully, WH will be convicted of his sin and be delivered from evil. Yet, the horror of the possibility of him worshipping with the OW has come over me. I need to stop thinking this way. At least, WH is going to church. He needs to work on his relationship with God.

I have been more active with my church. (Thanks to WH!) The Bible Study that used to be led by my H is now most favorite activity. Even though I miss his presence, I am surrounded by church friends that love me and care about me. I continue to grow stronger in my faith.

I'm thinking about running in a half marathon with some church friends too. WH introduced me to this church and I am so grateful. Though I never thought I could, I can function without him.

God Bless you too.

Ready, it's strange though, huh?

A WS going to church while they live in the affair? It shows how much our minds can rationalize wrong behavior.

I try to concentrate on myself and stay in the word but this afternoon I began thinking about details of what my WW is doing. I mean, graphic things and it's really too disgusting to even think about, but it makes me realize how bad it's gotten.

I just know Satan has some sort of hold on her right now that she either doesn't want to or can't get out of.

But the bottom line for a WS is that sin is fun for a while, but then it begins to tear your life apart. No matter what we think independent of God, even if we don't believe it ourselves, sin brings about suffering. We can't run from it, it's like gravity, it's just there.

I know my WW is hurting, and your WH probably is to, hence his desire to be in church "doing" what he thinks he needs to be doing.

Anyway, I believe it will hit him sooner or later and probably already has. It's just a matter of how long he'll try to run from it and hide. Sometimes people don't ever stop it seems.

Corinth,
I'm not sure if WH is hurting. I wish he were because I've been hurting every single day. He seems to be distracting himself with the A, drinking, and partying with his immoral co-workers. When we were "trying to work on the M" I used to cry my eyes out, telling me how much I was hurting. He said he knew I was and he was sorry for the pain created yet he continued in the A. What a stab to the heart.

My IC said WH is in the A to avoid grieving. She said that when the A fizzles out, WS will realize that he/she needs to grieve. When that becames obvious, WS comes back to BS.
It sounds so simple but I'm getting very impatient.

As for WH going to another church, I called our pastor to inquire about church discipline (Matthew 18). I don't think this will be effective because WH isn't a member at the new church. Afterall, I don't want him to get discouraged about worship and stop altogether. I know God is working on WH somehow. I continue to trust in the Lord.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Blessings,

Our pastor called me back this afternoon. He said church discipline won't be effective if WH isn't wanting to be helped. As I have mentioned before, once I discovered the A, WH refused to meet with our pastors and cut off his contact with our church friends. Church discipline is about holiness, encouragement and righteousness. WH's behavior shows no interest in any of this. At this point, I need to let go. It's just so hard! I need to work on myself and spend my energy on ME, not WH. I guess this is what a dark Plan B is.

Our pastor also told me that the "new" church that WH is going to is very conservative. Very interesting...

Ready, I know it hurts. And I know all about being impatient. Remember people care about you because you are who you are. You are Ready!

You are the woman you were meant to be at this moment, no more, no less... and now this is your time to grow and go into a learning phase. Don't let yourself be cheated out of this learning. God uses tragedy to refine us. Embrace this as a time you hate to have to go through, but one that will bring you to a new place in your walk as a Christian and as a matured person.

I have to remember to accept the scars I will carry from this. I remember that warriors have scars, too. Men and women, both bear these scars of life. You can tell someone who has a scar on their soul because they are the ones who'll tell it to you straight. There is no deception in them. You could be one of those people. I could be one of those people.

God hears us when we cry out, Jesus weeps with us when we go through these kinds of heartbreak. The world tells us we are losers since our spouse has walked, but the world is upside down. We are winners because we believe. People on this board are the salt of the earth!

We carry scars we were not meant to carry and we do it with knowledge that we could run but we stay and fight anyway.

Ever watch a great movie where the hero stays and fights to the death even though he/she knows they might perish because of it. That is heroic.

You are heroic, Ready! Now take a look at yourself and KNOW this isn't just about suffering, this is about growing. Don't let your WH cheat you out of that growth, too. He is not the one who dictates your worth. God bestows all knowledge and wisdom and He blesses those who draw near Him. He strengthens those who weep and are broken.

Ready, this isn't about deciding when to live for yourself and when to forget your WH. You will never forget him, but that's because to forget means you don't get the maturity, the empowerment that comes with moving through such a difficult situation. Don't concentrate on forgetting anything, take it all in, then hand it over to Jesus. Yes, this is very much a spiritual battle. Renew your faith everyday.

We on this board are facing a tremendous challenge which we didn't ask for. Heroes are usually the reluctant ones, but when called upon they rise to the occasion. The path before each of us is a tough one, but this is life. Accept the challenge and know Christ is Lord.

If you call out in praise to God in the worst time of your life, imagine how much He will reward you later on. Yes! It is true. God proclaims this all throughout the Bible. Call on Me, He says, and I will give you life.

James 1:12
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

This is more than any promise your WH can give you. He is lost right now. He has been deceived and it is up to you to decide if you want to wait around for him to come out of it. He may not for a while.

My WW, I don't believe, will ever come back. At this point I think she'd rather live through her pain than come back to me. She has built so much in her mind against me, and unfortunately I helped her do it.

BUT, on the other hand, Ready, think a moment about all your WH's flaws, INCLUDING the fact he is cheating, and you still have not abandoned him, right? So this is not about who has the most flaws because we all have them. It's not about what's gone on in the marriage either. Adultery is completely foreign to marriage. It's what happens when someone allows it to break down.

In marriage people reunite to resolve problems, over and over and over again if need be. When adultery occurs it's because one person placed themselves on a pedestal. Not all of your faults or mistakes in your entire marriage stacked one on top of the other can reach this high, Ready!

That's why I say adultery is foreign to marriage, it corrupts it. That's why BS's have such a hard time with regrets because so much has been distorted by the adultery. This is my opinion at least.

Can we improve the way we love others. Fortunately, for me, yes! I get an opportunity to live and love other people AND love myself better. Each day I get that opportunity over again. Your WH right now only gets the opportunity to look after himself.

Ever spend all day trying to please yourself? Ever spend a year trying to please yourself? I have. Where does that usually end up? Unsatisfied. I've been there. I've spent most of my life doing that, this proves to me that it doesn't work. Your WH will realize that someday, too. But are you going to wait around for him?

Some time is good to wait. Work on yourself and your own outlook on life. Your actions and life are an extension of your heart and mind. Pray Jesus will help guide you, then get excited about your future again. Even if you only feel it for a few minutes each day, visualize what a great future you have. Eventually it will become an hour each day, then eventually it will just be!

Remember, your WH doesn't dictate your worth. Only God can do that and He loves you just as you are right now... with an allowance for you to grow and prosper.

Yes, it hurts. Just accept that it hurts and let the pain help grow you.

Corinth,

I am truly touched by your encouragement and faithfulness to God. Thank you for reminding me of God's promises.

I've been very hard on myself, especially recently. I continue to blame myself for H becoming WH. My IC told me this week that I need to learn to be my own best friend. I need to love myself first. This certainly hasn't been easy for me. I've been carrying the burden of this failed M on my shoulders. I am worn down. I feel like I've aged years both physically and emotionally since d-day. Unfortunately, WH is partying and erasing me from his mind while I remain loyal and committed to him. Those thoughts sicken me.

Adultery has destroyed my WH and our M. Though I pray that it is temporary, I have to let go of him.

I am constantly being refined by these trials. Acceptance of the pain and hurt is so difficult but I must grow from this.

The weekend is about to begin. Weekends have been especially tough for me because there is too much time to dwell on WH. I have to constantly keep myself busy to avoid insanity. I always look forward to Sunday worship.

Blessings,

I know, weekends are tough. Especially now that it's summer time and we should be out doing so many things with our spouses.



I have to work on this, too. Ready, did you used to try really hard to control your surroundings? I did, and I tried to control my WW. She was silent about it and I didn't recognize what I was doing.


You sound like me, thinking it's my job to carry the world on my shoulders. I can't. I'm not God, and He hasn't asked me to do this.


You should be worn down, you are dealing with something no person was made to go through. You are worn down because it matters to you. If you were heartless, you'd be blinded like your WH is right now. Exhaustion is part of the distress you are under.

But try to find ways to ease that distress. Schedule a massage for this weekend, go to a beautiful park and just take it easy for a while. Little things will make a difference.


My WW is partying, drinking, opening herself up sexually to a stranger. Yep. It is sickening, but you imagining it is no where near how sickening it will be for your WS when he realizes what he's doing. Keep praying for him, he can't erase God no matter how hard he tries.

I miss my WW's company, but more than that I look forward to being with someone who respects me, God and herself.

I made many, many mistakes in my M. Sometimes now I look back and I can't believe I did and said some of those things. I didn't fulfill my husbandly duty. I am embarrassed by it.

But my biggest fear now is that I will do it again with my next wife, so for me, it is a time to LEARN from these mistakes and love myself better. I need to give my desire to control up to God, humble myself, and love others respectfully. I will encourage other people, maintain myself better and take more risks in life knowing the outcome isn't for me to control.

What if this means I don't have to fear as much? If I can make it through this, I know many other problems will seem small comparatively.

I'll pray for you, ready. I am very sorry you are in this situation.

Yes, weekends have been very challenging especially because everywhere I go, I am reminded of him. In fact, I was at the beach with a friend a month ago and ran into WH and his family. His family greeted me but WH acted with his alien behavior. He made me feel like dirt. It was horrible. Since that encounter, I have to avoid certain locations for fear of having yet another encounter with WH.


Yes, I tried to control WH most of the time. He never said anything. In fact, we thought we complimented each other this way. I admitted that to him.


That's funny you mentioned that because I just scheduled one for next week. I have been so tense. A massage is long overdue. My poor mind and body have been deteriorating.


I will continue to pray him. No matter how far he strays, my prayers continue. God is always present.


I, too, made many mistakes repeatedly in my M. I tried to meet my wifely duties but sometimes I became overemotional. There were things that I said that I wish I could take back. I know WH internalized the pain in our lack of communication and never spoke to me about it. The frustration festered and drew him apart from the M. (That's what our MC said.) However, I have worked on my past and weaknesses with my IC. Last month, WH said he has noticed improvements in me. During my own version of Plan A, WH said I was being the "perfect wife" yet he still moved out. He just doesn't get it.

I am embarassed about not satisfying my wifely role. I tried. But it is so much easier for WH to blame me for all our problems. I am very disappointed with myself. I know my WH's family is disappointed with me more than they are with WH. Although WH is in A, they seem to brush it off.


Thank you for your prayers, Corinth. I will be praying for you as well. I am also very sorry for your situation. We thought we found spouses that would remain committed to our marriage for better or for worse...until death do we part.

Ready,

This sounds much like what happened to WW and me. I didn't control myself but instead tried to control everything around me, including my wife. She later said I was trying to "mold" her. She said I was arrogant and condescending and told me I treated her like "crap." Only after D-day did she finally put it so bluntly.

IF she had said this six months ago, I probably would've got the message and made a big change. Just knowing she cared would've meant a lot to me, I really felt like she had no use for me since she never showed much emotion and seemed really cold and distant. We both fed into the cycle by not breaking it.

I relied on subtles signals and overall unhappiness to make me realize I needed to work on my marriage in a big way. Unfortunately, by then it was too late.



WS's blame everyone except themselves, it is part of their problem of being wayward in the first place. It is entitlement and resentment working together.

My WW is also very narcissistic, so in addition to my failings as a husband, WW is already prone to being self-centered and egotistical, IMVHO. So to her, everything is happening to her, her actions are not betrayal since she is just defending herself and HER feelings. A strange mixture of self-indulgence and a victim mentality.

BTW, WH's family will naturally take his side. They are his family.

You're not the only one who has regrets, ready. We all have our weaknesses and sometimes we cross the line. But in ALL marriages it takes two people to make a mess.

My WW could've persevered through the bad times and maybe today we'd be halfway toward a pretty solid marriage. I was coming around big time by the time d-day happened. I had a bunch of things planned for this summer, I was going to make it my priority that my W was treated like a princess. I was ready to love her like I should've.

But she didn't choose door A and seek God, she choose door B, and tried to replace her problems and unhappy marriage with another man. Does this sound like a healthy decision? I'm not sure any person deserves the burden she's placing on him, or the exploitation OM is using on my WW. This relationship is doomed. I'm not holding out for it, but it sounds like a real disaster scenario, at least I know I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that.

At some point she lowered her boundaries and let this OM into her life, her thoughts and then her bed. It's a very sad story when I think about it.

Galatians 6:7 "Do not be deceived; God is not mocked. A man reaps what he sows."

I keep praying for her and I just hope she realizes her need for Christ in her life.

Keep your head up, Ready. If you want to keep working for your M, that's commendable. I would just suggest letting it go at the same time. It sounds strange, but you also should protect yourself some. Pray God will allow you to find peace in this time. Let Him do the work and relieve yourself of any and all responsibilities for your marriage. Commit it to His great and able Hands.

God Bless,

A few months, WH sat me down one evening and said he was unhappy with our M. He suggested that we meet with our pastor but looking at the timeline of when the phone calls with OW began, WH was already in A. WH had everyone fooled: our pastor, our friends, and family. How can we work on a M if WH is in A? It was counterproductive for us and WH's intentions were to never tell me until I found evidence of A. By the time I was working on the M, it was too late. I was devastated. WH "checked out" of our M long before I even knew it.



I'm trying to keep me head up. It's hard at times. I do want to work on my M but I want to let go simultaneously. That's the tricky part.

After worshiping today, I went out to breakfast with my church friends. It's hard NOT to mention WH in my conversations with them. It's so natural to bring up my good memories with WH. I hope I'm not bothering my friends by mentioning WH so often.

I would like to find peace amidst this chaos. Everything I see and do reminds me of him. For instance, the breakfast place we went to this morning was where WH took me on the morning of my b-day four years ago. Everything is so sentimental.

How strange is this? While I was driving this morning, I saw WH's cousin running to the beach. I wanted to pull over and say "hi" to her but things are too different now. I kept on driving and became very emotional. I feel alienated from his family whom I was so close to. They seem to hate me ever since I exposed WH at his work. It's so sad that the family I married into is no longer loving or caring towards me. It's very much a grieving process to lose not only my H but his entire extended family.

I continue to pray for peace and clarity. I continue to pray for the softening of WH's heart and his repentance so he will walk in God's truth.

Blessings,

Me, too, Ready. My WW, I know from gathering information over the past two months, "checked out" a very long time ago. I know now she has been more or less pining for a different man then her A (this other man lives out of state.) She may of had an EA with him.

I know he is married and there is evidence she had been calling him and text messaging him from a long time ago. She had mentioned something about him before we were married but I just thought it was an isolated incident. I was naive. That should've been a huge red flag.

Now that I'm finding out so many things about how deceitful my WW is/was, I can completely see now that she has been rationalizing her adultery by blaming me for everything.

It is not all my fault. Once again, I can learn from my mistakes for my future wife, but I know my WW has been toying with an affair from even BEFORE we were married. If that makes any sense.

What I'm saying is I'm dealing with a woman who is not ready for marriage. She has no respect for me, my family or even herself for that matter. It is really sad, and I don't even know the half of it.

I still pray for her and sincerely hope she comes to terms with whatever issues she has, but I know our marriage is finished. She has no interest in being married, she has no right to be married.

This may come across harsh. I understand I am also a sinner and I recognize I need changes made, too. On the other hand, I am no longer prepared to walk this road with my WW, not when she entered into our marriage already carrying on some sort of affair with another married man.


I would make a conscience effort to maybe talk about him less, but if you do still talk about him, I think your friends will understand. It hasn't been that long. But I would also try to enter conversations by talking about others' interests and needs first. This will, in fact, help you emotionally because it will start to release you from any obsessing you might be doing.

Start by not talking about WH half as much, then the next week or two weeks go half as much again. Before you know it you not only will be talking about him less, you will be thinking about him less.

But don't judge yourself too harshly even if you still end up talking about him, be kind to yourself about it. This is a long process.


What about your own family? Are they around? Try not to hope too much for affection from WH's family, they probably don't want to think about what WH is doing. I am frustrated with my WW's family because they aren't confronting their daughter about this; however, this is their family and they will take care of it whichever way they please. Soon, I will not be in their family so there's not much I can do about it.

Ready, I respect your faithfulness to your WH. This is such a devastating situation. My pastor/counselor told me adultery is like a death of a spouse but worse because there is also rejection.

The good news is:

1) You did not deserve this. Remember that everyday. It was not your decision to go outside your marriage. You are doing what you're supposed to be doing no matter what anyone says.

2) You will be blessed by God as you seek Him more. Fully commit this to Him everyday. Pray His will in your life. Find other people to help and encourage. This will help YOU heal.

3) There are many other good men out there. You may not want to hear this yet, but it's not a bad thing to know. It doesn't mean you should give up on your husband, but you have to know he is not the last guy out there. Know that others out there will not reject you or do this to you.

and that goes to #4

4) This is not your fault. Remember that movie "Good Will Hunting" when Robin Williams tells Little Matt Damon like fifty times "It's not your fault" well... the same thing goes for you Ready, "It's not your fault." What? "It's not your fault!" "It's not your fault."

Now you may be saying well, Corinth doesn't know me and he doesn't know what is and what isn't my fault. But I'm telling you, it isn't your fault. You know how I know? Because bottom line is, you are trying to save the marriage and your WH is not, that IS why!

I pray you will get your husband back. But more important than that is that you seek Jesus first, because regardless of what your WH does, you will NEVER be truly at peace until you receive Christ fully and live for His glory. No man can do that for you. No woman can do that for me.

I tried to place my happiness on my wife in our marriage. More than that I tried to place my own self-worth on my wife sometimes. I would think, what kind of a reflection is my wife on me?

Bad idea. My worth needs to come from only one place, God. He made me, why should I try to live apart from Him?

If God didn't make us, why do we care about our marriages so much? If we just came from a swamp somewhere, why does our soul ache over our broken marriage? The answer is God gave us a spirit, and that spirit was made to have a relationship with God.

Start with your spiritual walk first, then rise up from there to your emotions, then to your thoughts, then to your behavior. You will have a whole new look on life when you ask Jesus to minister to your spirit first.

Give it all over to Christ and walk in His will for your life.

God Bless, I pray things get better for you this next week.

At least you know that your WW wasn't ready for M. My WH gave me all the indicators that he was "ready" for M. Our pre-marital counseling sessions revealed to me how serious he was about M. The responses he wrote in our pre-marital workbook were profound and honest. We spoke honestly and truthfully about our future as H and W. When I'd pose hypotheticals, he always responded, "Ready, marriage is for life. You don't get married to get divorced." After what he's put me through, I feel like I've been fooled by the man I loved! What a huge disappointment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'd love to know what issues my WH has! I know he has some serious ones but the sad thing is, I may never know. The possibility is scary but based on his chosen path, he wants to sweep me under the rug.



Thanks for the advice. I will put it into practice. I have to!


That's the sad part of my story- My dear mother passed away 3 years ago. She was my best friend. There was moments when I just want her back to keep me company. My H (we weren't engaged) had grown very close to me throughout my mother's fight with cancer. My mother was at peace knowing that H would take care of me. H was the kindest, most gentle, and most compassionate person for years.

I have grown closer to my sister. She, along with a lot of my friends, are so upset with WH's poor decisions.

My MIL became a second mother to me. It was a such a blessing to be a part of H's family because they all live so close to us. Losing WH and his family is like experiencing multiple deaths. It is so heartbreaking. I don't know why this is happening to me.

This is the most discouraging part of this process. I thought WH was a "good man." Having many friends who had unfaithful boyfriends, I was very selective about my own H. All of my friends and family were so impressed by his involvement in the community, church and morals. My friends wanted to find men like him. H has disappointed everyone. Maybe there was too much pressure on him to be "perfect" and I know that he definitely wasn't perfect but he didn't have to go to the extremes of an A.


Thank you for reminding me, Corinth. I have beaten myself up over this. It just isn't healthy for me.

I have definitely began with my spiritual walk. It's been the only thing that has flourished since the problems with WH began.

God bless you too, Corinth. You are in my prayers.

Ready,

I wish I knew anything more to say to you. I know much of this is just patience and the passage of time. But Jesus is walking with you. I know sometimes I feel frustrated with God and wonder why this has happened to me; however, God uses great tragedies to accomplish even greater things.

We are a part of something horrible having been witnesses to adultery, one of the most wicked acts I can imagine. And although the guilt and sorrow seem insurmountable at times, I have an even stronger feeling God is right there with me.

A friend of mine said that during his time of going through his wife's affair, he had the richest and deepest relationship with Jesus he had ever had up to that time. He is now an evangelical missionary who travels the world giving speeches and working with college aged missionaries and other revival loving Christians.

His new wife is a very godly woman and my friend has been blessed beyond belief with a new son and many opportunites to share the Gospel with others.

My point is that it's easy for me to get completely caught up in my own circumstances all the time. Although in reality, my life one year from now will be very different from where it is right now. God will bless me because I seek Him during my trials. Instead of me going out, drinking, maybe getting into some drugs, seeking out other women to comfort me, or otherwise giving myself over to anger and resentment, I am seeking His Word, His Son and fellowship with His people.

It sounds like a hocus-pocus crock for some people when I tell them that, but I have to say, I wouldn't believe it were possible if it wasn't happening to me. You said before, Ready, that your relationship with your sister has grown, right? That is a wonderful thing. It really is.

From this tragedy in my M, my relationship with one of my brothers and one of my sisters has grown further than it would've otherwise. These are true blessings that we are already seeing in our lives. These are family members whom we have a new and better relationship because of what's happened.

These are our testimonies. And testimonies come out of the fires of life. I can say I wish it had come from a different circumstance, but really my wife's affair some day will be more of something I was a witness to, rather than something that happened to ME. See what I mean? I take no ownership in her affair, it is hers. She owns it all to herself. I am a witness to it, but I am NOT the one who should ever take responsibility for it.

I just thought I'd leave these verses with you:

Romans 8:26-28 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;"

This last one is a prayer for your WH. I pray this for my WW.

Acts 26:18 "...to open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me."

Take care, Ready. Read Philippians 4:6

I so want to believe that God is walking with me through all of this, but I hate to say this... I've lost the faith. I've stopped going to church, still pray though.

I guess I feel sorry for myself in that why is this happening to me? WH never went to church, don't know if he ever prayed, and look. He's the one happy liivng with the OW. He made the choice to leave his family and have the A, and he's happy with that choice.

I had no say in his A, and now I am the one having all the pain. Just doesn't seem fair that I was always the fatihful one to God, and I'm going through the pain right now, not my WH.

I know people say things happen for a reason, and God has a plan for all of us, maybe a better life ahead, but I want the life I had before my WH's A. Why couldn't I have had that? Why did this have to happen?

I know I ask silly questions that don't have answers. It's not me to judge what I should or shouldn't have in life I guess. But I just can't stop thinking that it's unfair sometimes that the people that believe in God end up getting hurt the most in the end.

As I said, WH didn't even believe, and he's not hurting now!

catgirl,

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. I suppose the first thing I would say is we all lose faith at times. Right now I've lost faith my WW will ever come to her senses because she is so trapped up in her sin right now. She doesn't have to come back to me, but I keep praying she will at some point seek God in her life.

Having faith is difficult, but God never intended for us to do it all alone. He sent his Holy Spirit to be with us and comfort us through all the trials of life; which Paul writes, we should consider all joy.

Romans 5:3-5 "... not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

This last verse to me is unbelieveable, this is how God uses circumstances to better those who trust in Him. I don't know if things "happen for a reason," some things may, but I do know God can make reason out of our circumstances if we look to Him. It may take time, however, God doesn't work on our schedule, He has his own timing.

These answers are frustrating, I know. They don't seem to offer much immediate hope in the present pain we are in, but God WORKS in our lives as we continually trust in Him and His Word.

My advice would be to immediately begin reading and seeking out God's hope for us in the Bible. Find time as best you can to get into the Word. Read a little Psalms everyday, read Proverbs, then read Matthew and Romans in the New Testament.


Your WH may seem happy now, but in the long run he won't be. He will probably be miserable at some point down the road. The problem is we don't know when that will happen. It could be next week or it could be twenty years from now. That is also a frustrating answer because it seems like no answer at all really. I hate that answer myself, but I am also not God. If I were God, I would do things the way I want them, but like I said, I'm not.

My WW acts happy, too. She told me she likes where her relationship with OM is going. Right to my face while we are still married she tells me this. That hurts like nothing I've ever felt before. Why me? Why any of us?

The answer is because we live in a fallen world. This world is riddled with sin and sinful things. God didn't make our WS's rip our hearts out, our WS's were deceived into sin and have decided to stay in that sin. My WW acts happy because sin is fun for a while. Sometimes for a long while, but eventually sin rots us from the inside and eventually it doesn't fulfill like it used to and then we always try to replace it with something else and something more.

Would you trade places with your WS right now? No. It's insanity to be doing what our WS's are doing. But for us to only think about what we've lost is insanity, too.


You're going through pain because you care, there's nothing wrong with that. If you had no heart and felt no pain, there would be something wrong with you. People who are responsible always have to bear pain, but it also forces us to become stronger and more matured in order to deal with it. Would you want to live life like a WS? Only looking to satisfy yourself? You would be a perpetual child.


These aren't silly questions, they're real questions. They are what we struggle with daily. Your WH is in a far worse position than you are right now catgirl, but he is not your main concern either. Allow your present circumstances to be an opportunity for you to deepen your faith and to depend completely on the Lord.

This may seem like some fanatical response to a very serious circumstance but I assure you that by seeking Jesus and making a step toward getting yourself into the Bible everyday will do wonders for you. Also, consider getting back into fellowship at a local church and check out this website:

http://www.billygraham.org/SpiritualHelp_Article_Index.asp?MajorTopicID=3&MinorTopicID=51

Corinth,

The blessings I have experienced from this ordeal are my enhanced relationships with my sister, college friends and church friends. I have never been close to my sister but we now talk everyday. I only saw my college friends a few times a year but now we talk several times a week. I have also grown very close to my church friends, those who were friends with H first. I've "inherited" his friends since he left our church. My walk with Christ has continued to grow exponentially. It is so marvelous. These are certainly testimonies!

During this very challenging time, I am loyal to God, obeying His word and His truth. I have not given into the temptations of other men, drinking or partying. I continue to fellowship with God's people. These choices have been empowering.

Thank you for your encouragement, input and Scripture. I have posted several verses in my house to strengthen me.

Blessings to you.

Catgirl,
What you are feeling is natural. I have lost faith early in this trial but I have looked to God for His faithfulness and love because He will never leave us. God's desire is for us to be in relationship with Him. Relying on God during this difficult time by reading Scripture, worshiping, praying, reading Christian books and surrounding myself with my church friends have all helped me regain my faith.

Here are excerpts from a Christian book, Broken Heart on Hold, I've been reading for wives experiencing separation:
"Although it is painful to suffer, God can use heartache- if we let him- to bring out the priceless treasure within us. These trials have come, says Peter, so that 'our faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed'"
(1 Peter 1:7).

"...as long as we focus only on our pain and fight relentlessly for our rights, God cannot move us onto the next phase. It is natural to focus on our pain; it hurts; it cries for attention. But after we allow God's healing balm to find up the gaping wounds of our heart, we need to let God move us on to the restoration of our soul and the beauty for which he created us. He is the only one who can take our pain and pour it into the baptismal fire so it turns into a luster of gold."

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that all of us on this MB site have to endure such pain like an A in our M.

Becoming more active in my church and reading/ studying Scripture with those strong in their faith have helped me immensely. May we continue to let God restore our souls.

Blessings,

Hey, Ready? How's it been?

Hi Corinth,

Thanks for checking up on me. I was just thinking about you too.

I'm hanging in there. I met with my "new" IC last week which was good. I like her much better than my former one. She's also Christian and we have a better connection.

Last week, I ran into MIL's best friend at the mall. She and her family hosted an engagement party for us in 2004. She's a sweet lady. She has known WH and his family for more than 20 years. We chatted and she said my in-laws are very sad and in a lot of pain right now. I highly doubt she knows of the A considering how WH and his family are so concerned about their upper class image. I told her that due to circumstances, I wasn't talking to WH nor his family. (They are livid about me exposing WH at his work.) I told her to please say "hello" to my in-laws for me. She said that she would and gave me a hug. She also said that I looked cute which made me very happy because I certainly haven't been feeling cute since d-day.

God has definitely made some opportunities for me to run into friends that I haven't seen in awhile since my probs with WH. It's been a definite blessing.

This upcoming weekend is going to be a tough one. It's WH's cousin's wedding- the one that I was "uninvited" to since this M fiasco began. Events like this have been triggers for me. This will be the first big family get together since d-day without me. I'm going to have to keep myself busy this weekend because I was very upset for being uninvited. Maybe WH will miss me...yeah right, that fog is too dense.

How are you doing, Corinth?

Blessings,

Hi Ready,

I've wondered how things are going for you. It sounds like you're doing pretty well. I hope this weekend will turn out alright for you. Keeping busy is definitely the way to go. Lately, I've been laying around for some reason. It just feels like there's nothing to do, that kind of thing.

It's been tough the past few days for some reason I can't really figure it out except that the rejection is getting me down.

The most important thing I've found to get me past it is going back into scripture and getting on my knees before the Lord. It makes a difference; I need to remember my strength to deal with this is very limited. When I try to go it alone is when I start to feel the burden.

WW and I are moving rapidly toward D. She now has the papers for me to begin filing, the same ones I've had for three weeks from my own lawyer but I've been sitting on them, waiting to see...

I'm trying to make sense out of all the massive amounts of information I've been trying to absorb about infidelity over the past two months, you probably know what I mean. I think I'm overloaded with possibilities right now. Time to take a break, if that's possible.

Hi Corinth,

I'm saddened by your update. No matter how much we're willing to save our Ms, our WS' don't seem to want it. However, we're relinquishing our WS' over to God and God can perform miracles.

It is natural to feel overwhelmed by everything related to the A. You never thought you'd ever have to be in this position in the first place. It is hard to fathom how drastically things have changed since the A began. My life, my self-esteem, WH's life, our families' lives...the list goes on and on.

I have a male friend at church who has been divorced from his WW for a year now. He said he had a hard time with crying and opening up about the A. He said that he is impressed by how composed I am when we talk. I told him that perhaps this is the difference between men and women. I find it easy to be emotional with my girlfriends, crying openly and venting when needed. How are you coping with your emotions? Are you journaling your thoughts? I know it helps when I let my tears flow. I finally started journaling last month. There were too many thoughts cooped up on my brain. Instead of shutting myself out of the world, I've opened myself up. My WH, on the other hand, has isolated himself. I think this is why he isn't coping at all with his true feelings and finding distractions with Satan's temptations.

I'm glad that you're looking to Scripture and prayer to cope with all of this. You don't have the strength to bear the burden of all of this on your shoulders. Lean on Him. Look to His light and His truth.

I found a Christian book called, "Every Man's Battle- Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time" in WH's box of belongings he left behind. Have you heard of it or read it? WH read it when we were dating because we wanted to remain sexually pure before marriage. Out of curiousity, I read it last week. I showed this book to my IC last week and asked her if I should mail it to him. She read a few chapters and said it would be a good idea because it's neutral-sounding. It's Scripturally based and it would a kind reminder of the Christian man I married. There are several chapters dedicated to respecting and cherishing your W. It's completely on point. I'm going to mail the book to him, after all, it is HIS BOOK. (I noticed that you posted something about giving an article/ letter to your WW recently.)

Yes, taking a break would be a good idea. Can you get away for a few days to take a breather? If not, seeing a movie is always a great release for me. It's nice to be "transported" to another realm via a movie ticket. I've seen 4 movies in 2 weeks. It's been very therapeutic.

Do you exercise? I'm running in a half marathon next month with some church friends of mine. This will be my first long distance race. Exercising is a great way to release this unwanted stress. It helps me sleep better at night too.

Take care, Corinth. I'll be praying for you.

Hey ready,

Sounds like you're doing well. I can hear the purpose in your writing.

Me... I'm feeling disoriented these days. I'm not sure, I probably need to get out and exercise more, get my mind off this stuff. Of course, as I say that I'm here at my desk typing...

Sounds like you have a good male friend to talk to about this, someone who's been through it. Is he a Christian friend and was his WW a Christian? When you say emotionally he had a hard time crying and opening up, you mean he didn't let his emotions out, right?

Emotionally, for me, it's been brutal and I've been completely cut up at times. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm no stranger to the ways of crying lately. Part of that makes me feel weak. I still have the idea I shouldn't cry, especially over someone who walked out on me. You know, "take it like a man, I can do better" sort of thing. Problem is I care and won't stop caring for as long as I live. I will have scar tissue on my soul after this.

I've been writing a little bit. Funny thing is I used to write a lot of stories, but lately I really have no desire to write anything, not even to journal. In many ways this forum will be my journal.

I have the book "Every Man's Battle- Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time" at my bedside (along with about twenty other books all piled up) It's a great book. I haven't finished it yet, but it has so many valuable insights I believe all men should hear.

I bought the companion to it for females and considered giving it to my WW but decided against it since she would most likely just see it as an "attack" on her. I really wish she could see the value in it, just as I need to read a book like "Every Man" myself. I read part of the Woman's Battle and if she were open to it, I think it would help her a lot. I think she suffers from a lot of fantasy type blocks, IMO.

The rejection has been hardest lately for some reason, self-image takes a big hit. Letting God work on me isn't a bad idea. My prayer is I will come out way stronger than I went in, just waiting for the results still.

Thanks for the encouragement, ready.

Yes, he is a Christian friend. His WW wasn't a believer. They were only married 9 months but together for 8 yrs when his WW told him she wanted a D because he became a Christian. Conveniently, she was also in an A w/ a married co-worker who had an infant. My friend is still very bitter about the D and the A and it took him a long time to open up about the details. He didn't let his emotions out until many months later. Poor guy, each time when we talk, his eyes well up.



Corinth, don't feel weak for crying. It's a physical way to release the pain from our souls. There is no need to "take it like a man" because you love your WW. You made a lifelong commitment to her and to God. Let the tears flow. You need to.

All of us betrayed spouses will have scar tissue on our souls from these experiences. Once the fog thins out, I'm sure that the WS will grow scar tissue too, only in a lesser degree.



It took me a few months to finally journal my thoughts because I didn't want to re-live any of the nasty details of my experience. A lot of the horrible moments are seared into my memory and they creep into my thoughts unexpectedly. This is when I have to consciously expunge them from my mind. Reading Scripture or singing a song of praise helps me refocus because it becomes way too easy to get sucked up into the whirlwind of distractions. I still can't believe that my WH has this much control over me. If he only knew how much pain and grief he has caused me on a daily basis. Geeze. I feel like I'm a changed person, a weaker person at times and a stronger person at other times.


The insights are very valuable and such a good reminder of what men battle on a daily basis. Temptations are everywhere and it takes a conscious effort to avoid falling into the traps. It's a good book to re-read, especially when one feels weak. My WH had underlined certain parts of the book so I am hoping he will find the spiritual strength to re-read it again, or at least browse through it. I don't think I'm going to include my return address on the envelope or a note because I'm afraid he'll just throw it away without opening it. My alien WH is so against me. He sees me as his enemy. Hmm, I'm trying to help him, not hinder him. Sigh...What do you think?

I would like to read "Every Woman's Battle." I will have to look for it at the bookstore next time. I know I'd benefit from it too.


Rejection is never easy. I am having a very hard time with it myself. Being rejected by the spouse that you love is the hardest thing to accept. (I still can't believe that my H became a WH! I'm still in shock. It's scary.) Being a WS, grief is also involved. Grief isn't easy either. My pastor was telling me last week that grief has many layers. It's not black and white. It can be very complicated but being a WS, we are all working through grief in our own ways.

Based on your posts, I can already see that you've become stronger than you started. We're constantly being refined by God through our trials.


You're welcome. You have encouraged me in so many ways as well. We are children of God and He loves us.

God Bless You.

Hi ready,


I'm sure some day your WH will know and realize this. I guess the question then remains will he apologize, confront, accept his failure or will he run and hide from his decision to sin.

I see my WW continuing to run. She is having a good time with OM, said she is "happy" with her decision, with no regard for our M or me. Swept me under the rug. Sin can really twist us around into knots.

I've thought about if only my WW knew, I mean really knew, how deep the pain of her A goes, how she would react. I don't know. But some day it will be revealed.


My WW and I got into an argument last week over my letter, it got pretty bad. She noted how unthoughtful I am and how I don't realize the way I come off to people. She says I'm arrogant and without compassion. That pretty much sums up how she feels about me.

Point is until she sees me differently, all my attempts to help will always be seen as an attack. Your WH may feel the same way if you give him that book. My attempt made WW feel belittled, like I'm saying she's less than me. This, I believe, helps drive her A.


I never truly imagined that my WW would go to this extent. I mean, adultery is what happens to people on television, or in the celebrity papers, or to some really skanky person on the other side of town, but not in my marriage. You know?

Adultery is the bane of marriage and even if my marriage was poor, I never thought it could happen to me. That's in large part why it DID happen. I was complacent and my W lost her bearings and allowed so much deceit to build up inside her by the shows she watched, the people she surrounded herself with and by her own self-indulgence that she little by little let the idea of an affair become less and less of a tragedy and more of a right.

At this time she is only a glimpse of the great lady she could be. Sin does that. It does that to me when I play with it. She has so much potential, but I'm afraid this decision will dog her for a long time to come until she confronts it.

It is amazing at times to wake up and know this is where I find myself. The lonliness is a killer.

Faith is the key and turning it to God. When I sometimes question that fact it is only reaffirmed all the more. Last night I went through a serious fit of rage over this on my way to church. I challenged God to show me He is really in control and not just some bystander watching us beat ourselves to death.

Did I hear a wonderful song or a verse in church that changed me? No. Did I meet someone there who said some great prolific thing? No. I was full of bitter anger almost the entire service. I didn't sing one single song. I wanted to get up and leave the entire time. But I made myself stay and eventually my mind got off myself and the anger started to fall away.

The lesson is that this isn't even about me. Even when I'm in despair it's not about me. My circumstances aren't even about me half the time. I can't control my WW, I can't take responsibility for everything that happens to me. I just have to sit in God's presence sometimes and try to get my mind off of myself.

Since it's not about me, it's really about Jesus. How freeing is that? It makes more sense than the alternative.

I must have faith that if he created me and knows my soul I can trust him to bring me a godly woman to spend life with. I didn't do this before, I tried to run life on my terms, it hasn't worked...

Ready, you sound like you're doing well, considering... That's good to hear. I'll keep praying for you.

In Christ,

I'm sure some day your WH will know and realize this. I guess the question then remains will he apologize, confront, accept his failure or will he run and hide from his decision to sin.[/quote]

I hope so. I have yet to sense any remorse from WH. I was reading a book yesterday where it mentioned Godly sorrow as bringing a sinner to repentance. WH is void of this as well. I certainly hope he doesn't run and hide from his sin forever. These past few months have been torture for me. My patience has been running thin. With the D looming above me, it's my greatest fear that WH will continue to run and hide. This Plan B is making me a little insane at times because the idea of WH and OW makes me sick to my stomach. My IC said that maybe WH has broken up with OW but I doubt it. Until I hear from WH directly, it is my assumption that he is still sinning. For him, D is the answer to our M problems. Hmm, think again, buddy. Sin is so deceiving. It distorts one's logic and rational thinking. It's disgusting how sin make change a person so much.


Ironically, WH used to make comments about how disgusted he was with adulterous celebs when we'd watch TV or read celeb mags. He also used to comment about how gross women were when they wore slutty clothing or acted inappropriately at work. Yes, he made comments of his female co-workers and how gross they were. Can you believe it? Now, that is really sickening considering he was cheating on me with one of them! This still enrages me!

He used to remind me of how classy I was because of my mannerisms, lifestyle, and wardrobe. He used to tell me that he was very proud to have me as his wife. What happened there? He's with a slut that doesn't value the covenant of M and disrespects herself.


I never thought it would happen to me because WH appeared to be solid Christian H but no one is immune. I remember vividly how he told me how he couldn't believe two of his co-workers were having As with fellow co-workers. I was appalled that these people would have pursued anything outside of their M- especially at the office. Little did I know that this would be happening to us soon thereafter. The adultery bug seems to have bitten quite a few people at his office. My H happened to be one of them! Grrrr...


I know, every morning I wake up hoping that this has been a terrible nightmare. I just want my old H back. I want my old life back. I want to be able to laugh, dance and joke around with my H again. I want to find new recipes to cook for my H again. I want to plan vacations with him again. I want to feel his embrace again. I want to pray with him again. I want my H to tell me that I'm beautiful and treat me like a princess again. I know that at this point it isn't possible but the memories remain bright.

Loneliness is terribly painful. Though I'd never do this myself, I have come to understand why people have "rebound" relationships. It takes the pain away from being lonely. Eventually, our WS' won't be happy with their OPs. They just can't be. It will just depend on whether or not we're there to take them back.

You're completely right. It is very freeing. You're on God's timeframe, not your own. As much as I'd like to call the shots right now, I can't. Patience is hard to acquire but you must be patient. When you start getting frustrated, this is where Satan can lurk. Don't let the enemy implement any strongholds in your life that will weaken you.

I've started this new book called "Disciplines of a Godly Woman" and I'd like to share this with you-
"As we understand better what Scripture teaches about the spiritual benefits of perseverance, we can look to the future with hope instead of fear.
There are three specific reasons for our suffering:
1. Suffering is God's means of perfecting us.
2. Suffering is a means of spreading the Gospel.
3. In persevering through suffering we see God."

How true is that? Keep persevering, Corinth. Through your suffering, you see God. You're in my prayers.

I so can relate to what all of you have said.

I too am waiting for this nightmare to end and wake up from it all. Unfortunately, it's reality.

Never in a zillion years did I think infidelity would affect my M. Sure we were having problems, but nothing that I thought he would cheat on me for. People are shcocked to hear that WH could "do such a thing". It's so not like him.

I've filed for D, and some days I want it, some days I don't. I pray everyday that WH realizes what he's done and dumps OW. That doesn't seem like it will ever happen though. I think he'll just stay with her so he doens't have to admit he messed up. How will I ever cope if he marries OW and has kids with her? That would just put me over the edge.

My IC thinks I'm lonely, and that I just want him back in part for that. I agree.

I am extremely resentful that he has OW, is happy, and I have no one but kids and a dog!

Went out yesterday and saw families everywhere. Why did he have to put us on a road that we didn't want to be on? It's so unfair! Why couldn't we be one of those families? Yeah I guess I am feeling sorry for myself, but our kids didn't ask for this either. Their lives will be changed forever.

It's like I'm obsessed now looking at guys wearing their wedding rings and thinking, gee they love their wives and kids. They probably aren't having an A.

I don't see remorse from him, don't see anything. He seems content. Heck he hasn't even admitted he's in an A! Still says they are just friends even though they are living together.

OW filed D last week, so things must be going well for her and WH. I try to keep in a plan B for my sanity, so I don't know much of what's going on with them.

Why did he do this to me? Why did he change my life forever? I didn't ask for this. I can't get that out of my head. Was I such a horrible person? Then I start blaming God and things go downhill from there.

I want my old life and H back!

catgirl,

The disaster of adultery is it should never happen under any circumstances. Us BS's know that. For many of us the reality of an affair is incomprehensible. It is beyond our thinking.

The strange thing is many of our WS's were the same way before their A, that's also what makes it so hard to process. It makes no sense because God never intended it to happen. It's outside of reason.

My WW used to comment on how so-and-so cheats, or how she was once cheated on and how hurt she was.

Your WH is not thinking straight. He is neither truly happy or sad because he is not in touch with reality. He is responsible for what he's doing, but he's not in touch with the real world. He is in the grip of sin and self-centered behavior, self-indulgence and pride. Not a good combination. Just be glad you are on the side you are on through this disaster. Seriously, we don't pick what disasters befall us, but be thankful you are on the sane side right now, even if it feels crazy, you are on the right side.

If this is the Titanic, you are in one of the lifeboats right now, your husband is drunk swimming in the water. He needs a lifeboat but he might be so dazed from the cold water he doesn't know which way to go. He doesn't know what's good for him!


I think from what I can gather about affairs is they have less to do with the BS than the BS thinks. This is impossible to accept considering we seem to gather all the pain, but somehow it's also true. Affairs are mainly about entitlement for the wayward. They are prodigal, meaning they have taken their so-called inheritance and squandered it, by the time they are finished they will dine with the swine just as the prodigal son in Luke 15:16. "He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything."

Do you think Jesus has forgotten your husband? Has he forgotten my WW? Remember, Jesus loves your WH more than you do, and He hurts over your WH's betrayal more than you do too. That's the beauty of Jesus, He has gone before us to share in our pain and to die for all of our sins.

The catch is in the timing. None of us BS's know the timing, and that's the killer. We all want it to happen now, but it doesn't and it hurts.

Believe me I've had my bouts with God over this. I've sat alone screaming and cursing into the air over this mess. I've blamed God and told Him what I think of His crummy plans. The problem is, God is always good all the time. God IS love, He didn't make any of this happen. I know, then why create us just so we can suffer? Why make the world upside-down where the wicked have all the fun and the good bear all the suffering?

The only answers are in the Bible. Wide is the road to ****** and many will travel it, narrow is the path to righteousness and few will find it. This is how God works for some reason. If I had created the world I would have made baseball the way to heaven, but I'm not God so He made Jesus the Way. Sorry...

So then we see that God gave us all free will to make choices, He loved us enough to give us that freedom. Even the freedom to choose adultery over devotion. But His greatest miracle is in Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

He let us live freely, knew we would sin because of it, then sent Jesus to die for that sin. That is a great miracle and if we can concentrate more on that than our own pain we will be mostly to where God asks us to be.

What will happen really when this world passes away? Will I care about my WW? Maybe for a moment. Of course I care right now about her soul and her plight and her well-being (at least when I'm feeling nice) but when Christ comes back to this earth, all I'm going to care about is going with Him back to Heaven. That seems like a cop-out but it's true. Life has eternal implications, that's why we live it. And yes there is a reward, Heaven and everlasting peace, joy and love. We suffer for something!

The hard part is we are still human and we hurt deeply through this. I too hurt when I see a couple hugging and kissing. I wonder why I've been relegated to such misery here on earth. I want a whole, loving M, not this loneliness and disgrace, but the bottom line is I don't have a choice. I didn't make this happen! And neither did you catgirl.

Try not to desire your old life back. It will do you no good. Live in the moment for all the good you can find and look to the great future you have ahead of you. I have a future, you have a future, ready has a future. We must live it.

I'm no stranger to anger or depression over this. I have breakdowns also. The greatness though is when I reach the next peak and everything I've learned becomes evident. The valleys suck, but the peaks are where we get our payoffs and there's a great view from up there! So many mountaintops to look forward to climbing! Just don't wallow too long in those valleys. Sure they seem comfortable and sometimes I like to just stay there and not try to go ahead, but eventually it gets to me and I have to start climbing again.

Live life one day at a time. Try to start everyday by dedicating yourself to Christ. Reaffirm your belief in Him and He'll guide your paths.

The idea of an affair still going on is disgusting, huh? All I can say is if OW and WH knew what they were messing around with they wouldn't be doing this.

Proverbs 6:27,29 says "Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?... So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished."

I wouldn't want to be this OM right now. No matter how much pleasure (and this is the disgusting part) no matter how much he's getting from my W right now in pleasure or happiness or lust or love or whatever he wants to call it, I do not envy him one bit.


My patience is gone. I guess the difference is I'm not expecting my WW to change her mind, I'm not waiting for her to come to her senses. She has her own life now and it doesn't include me. Like my sister told me, she's made her bed, now she gets to sleep in it. It's not my responsibility anymore. I still want to work on myself and my communication and relationship skills. I will continue to reach out to my WW but... you see what I mean?


He has been deceived. Completely and thoroughly it sounds like. He should be grateful you're his W and he doesn't even know it. Or is he too afraid to admit his grand mistake? If there's a true change of heart it seems he'd want forgiveness no matter how humiliating it may be at first. Keep praying for this humility.

I'll keep praying for you, too. Thanks for the kind words. God Bless

I don't envy OW either, however, I feel like I am in competition with her. I don't want her to win my WH. Is that wrong? She is too consumed in this fantasy world of this A. From the evidence I found in April, her view of this A is sickening and warped. She needs some serious mental help. Breaking up a M is her way of finding happiness...what???


I have moments where I just want this M to be over. Sometimes I just want to wipe away my WH and start a new life with a man who will be loyal and committed to me. But my patience continues. WH told me in April that I was in denial and I said confidently, "I'm not in denial, I am just ready to forgive you." I know I'm not denial because the facts of the A have sunk in but it's the perseverance that intimidates him. Based on my past behavior, he never thought I had the patience to wait for the unknown. I've definitely surprised him. I don't know what the future will bring but I am trusting in the Lord with all of my heart.


Not to toot my own horn but my WH should be grateful. He was always so proud of my accomplishments and said it was the greatest honor to call me his wife. That was the biggest compliment of all. (It still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.) I was proud of us for making it through some very low moments in my life like losing my mom. We were brought closer through tragedy.

I juggled my life to accommodate his needs. Yes, I found myself overwhelmed and stressed at times in our M but he forgave me. I take responsibility for my bad days...I do. Currently, I am working on myself, I really am. I want WH to notice what a changed woman I am. In all honesty, I am fearful I will never have the chance to show this to him. This is probably my greatest fear. I know it's not about WH anymore but I just can't help it.

BTW, I bought "Every Woman's Battle" and "Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome" today. My book collection is growing swiftly.

Here's a prayer from Beth Moore's "Praying in God's Word" that I find helpful to pray:
"Help me, Lord, to finally comprehend what it means to consider it pure joy whenever I face trials of many kinds. Help me to know that the testing of my faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work in me so that I may be mature and complete, lacking nothing. (James 1:2-4) Lord, You are not asking me to rejoice that I have lost someone or something precious, but You know that, in my loss I can rejoice in all I have to gain if I'm willing. Never must my suffering be in vain."

Many blessings.

There is something very wrong with somebody who willingly moves in on someone they know is married. I think about this sometimes, about how OM has no respect for relationships. How can my WW believe he will be there when things get tough? How can she have any respect for someone who would do this to her? (and he is doing this to her as well as me) Is this the kind of man she wants in her life, in her business and in her bed?

I think about how this OM was not there on my wedding day. He has no idea how far his sins reach. His actions have hurt numerous people very deeply. He wasn't witness to our M vows. He didn't stand in front of God, family and friends and take a vow to my WW as I did. He's stealing from me (so to speak) not as a possession but as my right to be betrothed to my W. He is a thief and a coward to make a move on a married woman... taking advantage of pain and splinter in a marriage, and my WW is drawn to this man?

God sees all these things. He sees how I react, he sees what my WW has done, he knows what this OM is responsible for. That is the real test. God knows... I submit this into His hands. It is so frustrating to think about, I guess that's why I don't think about it that often anymore. It's like punching myself in the face.

I don't really think you're in competition with OW. You are in a different class. You are the woman your WH married! You are infinitely more qualified to be with WH than OW. The problem is there is a breakdown happening and it has skewed all logic and reason. This is no healthy competition, may the best woman win type thing, because disease has entered the M. The disease of adultery and forbidden things and immorality have infected the marriage bed. She can't compete with you, she can only go around you to use what she has no right to. OW will never "win" your husband. She can only lose in this scenario. She is not a winner by any decent standard. It's not "wrong" for you to feel like that, but it's also not true, if that makes sense.

Believe my, it's hard to make this differential. I sometimes wonder if my WW will just be able to move on and live her life like nothing ever happened. Just leave me high and dry and then go about seeking her own pleasure and gratification. I get very angry about this sometimes.


I am there already. I want my marriage to be over. I still grieve but I do not want my WW to come back. She has made a seminal decision, in my view. She knows what she's doing and she doesn't care. She told me point blank she is "happy" with her decision with no remorse or apology. I've prayed and prayed and nothing has happened. What other conclusion can I draw? I'm not going to wait around another year for someone who cleary places her "happiness" above all other things. I'm not in a position to need to use my marriage as a learning ground for my WW. I hope she comes to God in the future, but my married life doesn't have to be the avenue for her to do that. Besides, she's not asking for it.



It's tough. I would just say this: you are everything you are with or without WH. I don't have to tell you this, you know. There will be joy and acceptance for you again. You have too much character and wisdom to have it be otherwise. I'm glad you're out there to "talk" to, even if these aren't the greatest of circumstances.