The view from here - 06/22/06 02:39 PM
I don’t visit the forum much anymore and seldom post. I am 2 ½ years post d-day and it has been even longer since my FWH ended his 8-month long distance PA with a former college friend. The pain, although ever present, is much duller now and I can actually go hours and often days without thinking about his betrayal. I do still contemplate whether if I had known on d-day that years later, it would still affect me so profoundly, would I have ended my marriage then and there.
I do so admire those BS here who have made so much better recovery than I have and seem so much more contented than I. Like so many here, I would have predicted that infidelity, even once, would have immediately resulted in the end of my marriage. I surprised myself profoundly by my eagerness to stay with my FWH and try to build a better marriage. But, in some ways, I knew myself better. I have spent most of my life obsessing on details and have a memory like a steel trap. I would never have expected to be able to get over my FWH’s infidelity, but I did really hold out hope that I would be as wrong about that as I was about what I would do if he was unfaithful.
So, while my marriage didn’t end, maybe it should have. Maybe both my FWH and I would be better off today if it had. At this point, the only reason that I don’t simply give up is because I don’t want to admit, even to myself that I have wasted years of my life trying to accomplish something that for me, simply isn’t obtainable.
As hard as I try, I simply haven’t been able to get past seeing my FWH and thus my marriage as forever tainted by his infidelity. I am not perfect, but I really feel that I deserve something far better. I have attempted to suppress this as a strong case of malcontentedness on my part, but lately have begun to fear that I am developing a vulnerability to engage in infidelity myself.
I have always been very good at establishing and maintaining effective boundaries with male friends and coworkers, and that hasn’t changed. However, I have caught myself wondering, if a right someone happened along, do I still have the level of strength that I have always prided myself on. Right now, I can’t even answer that.
I don’t know if any of this even makes sense. Can anyone here shed some wisdom on this?
Who
I do so admire those BS here who have made so much better recovery than I have and seem so much more contented than I. Like so many here, I would have predicted that infidelity, even once, would have immediately resulted in the end of my marriage. I surprised myself profoundly by my eagerness to stay with my FWH and try to build a better marriage. But, in some ways, I knew myself better. I have spent most of my life obsessing on details and have a memory like a steel trap. I would never have expected to be able to get over my FWH’s infidelity, but I did really hold out hope that I would be as wrong about that as I was about what I would do if he was unfaithful.
So, while my marriage didn’t end, maybe it should have. Maybe both my FWH and I would be better off today if it had. At this point, the only reason that I don’t simply give up is because I don’t want to admit, even to myself that I have wasted years of my life trying to accomplish something that for me, simply isn’t obtainable.
As hard as I try, I simply haven’t been able to get past seeing my FWH and thus my marriage as forever tainted by his infidelity. I am not perfect, but I really feel that I deserve something far better. I have attempted to suppress this as a strong case of malcontentedness on my part, but lately have begun to fear that I am developing a vulnerability to engage in infidelity myself.
I have always been very good at establishing and maintaining effective boundaries with male friends and coworkers, and that hasn’t changed. However, I have caught myself wondering, if a right someone happened along, do I still have the level of strength that I have always prided myself on. Right now, I can’t even answer that.
I don’t know if any of this even makes sense. Can anyone here shed some wisdom on this?
Who