I don’t visit the forum much anymore and seldom post. I am 2 ½ years post d-day and it has been even longer since my FWH ended his 8-month long distance PA with a former college friend. The pain, although ever present, is much duller now and I can actually go hours and often days without thinking about his betrayal. I do still contemplate whether if I had known on d-day that years later, it would still affect me so profoundly, would I have ended my marriage then and there.

I do so admire those BS here who have made so much better recovery than I have and seem so much more contented than I. Like so many here, I would have predicted that infidelity, even once, would have immediately resulted in the end of my marriage. I surprised myself profoundly by my eagerness to stay with my FWH and try to build a better marriage. But, in some ways, I knew myself better. I have spent most of my life obsessing on details and have a memory like a steel trap. I would never have expected to be able to get over my FWH’s infidelity, but I did really hold out hope that I would be as wrong about that as I was about what I would do if he was unfaithful.

So, while my marriage didn’t end, maybe it should have. Maybe both my FWH and I would be better off today if it had. At this point, the only reason that I don’t simply give up is because I don’t want to admit, even to myself that I have wasted years of my life trying to accomplish something that for me, simply isn’t obtainable.

As hard as I try, I simply haven’t been able to get past seeing my FWH and thus my marriage as forever tainted by his infidelity. I am not perfect, but I really feel that I deserve something far better. I have attempted to suppress this as a strong case of malcontentedness on my part, but lately have begun to fear that I am developing a vulnerability to engage in infidelity myself.

I have always been very good at establishing and maintaining effective boundaries with male friends and coworkers, and that hasn’t changed. However, I have caught myself wondering, if a right someone happened along, do I still have the level of strength that I have always prided myself on. Right now, I can’t even answer that.

I don’t know if any of this even makes sense. Can anyone here shed some wisdom on this?

Who

It's the nagging question that I have been dealing with now, almost every day. I don't have a mind like a steel trap, but my FWH does. I wonder if this is how he feels? He is a person that believes that we do things for very good reasons, and I think he still believes that he had the A because our relationship had come to an end. I'm working on recovery, and realize how slow the process is, but I'm a very independent thinker, and wonder about going it alone, again. I'm not afraid to go on by myself, but I do fear for the love I have for him dying and my son paying a huge price. I need to try. If you truly believe that you cannot let go, you have to be honest with yourself and your H. Is there something that he is not doing for you in order to hasten recovery? Maybe you need to look further within yourself to find why you cannot forgive. I know that forgetting is part of the equation, but do you feel as if some 'retribution' or 'payment' hasn't been made by your H to help you get past the anger, pain and memories? I feel for you, and hope that you find a light to follow.

Oooo, one more question. Did YOU feel, prior to the A, that you no longer wanted to be in your M? It's kind of important to establish your state of mind and being.

Temp,

No I didn't. We were one of those couples that people saw as totally "in love" and completely happy. I suspect that if OW hadn't lived 3,000 miles away and had ever seen the two of us together, it would have been very difficult for her to ever convince herself that they would ever live happily ever after like in her fantasy.

Perhaps the problem is that I have never completely forgiven him. I really thought I had, but now I am not so certain.

I know that what I want, I simply can not have: Freedom from ever having experienced this.

There have been a couple of things I have seen on TV lately that have been major triggers for my feeling brutal disappointment and even anger. There is a Ford commercial where this woman is dropping off dry cleaning at a drive up window and spots this “hottie” in the car immediately behind her. She instructs the clerk that she wants to pay for a couple of his shirts and gives the clerk her business card to give to the man. The first thing that occurred to me when I saw it was, “she probably doesn’t even care if he is married or not,” and how can us common folk ever survive in a world where there are so many potential OP’s out there to whom marriage and commitment mean nothing.

The other thing was an episode of House where the Oncologist is describing how there was nothing wrong with his marriage and yet he still had an affair because he liked how OW made him feel.

Oh how I wish I could go back to the days of innocence where I could watch this crap and it would have no affect on me whatsoever. Maybe that is what I miss the most…..the old WhoMe. The one who wasn’t forever changed by the cruelty of infidelity. Maybe the real issue here is that I still don’t think my FWH has even a smidgen of a clue what his actions did to me that I will have to endure forever. I admit that I want him to truly understand how it feels to walk in the shoes of a BS and I know that can’t happen unless I become a WS…..and I don’t want to be a WS because I think there is a good chance it may feel even worse than being a BS, different, but worse.

Who

Who,

Oh, I've seen that commercial, and I thought the same thing. We are now no longer able to live in a world where we don't know how insideous this kind of action is; the focus in this commercial is on the woman, and a show of strength or 'guts' on her part. The idea that the man may be married doesn't really enter the picture. It's a product of our 'I want what I want' society.

It does burn me up to know that I will no longer be able to see the world through those rose colored glasses and feel safe. Even if I moved on, I would have to continue to live as a battered soul. It's who we are. I also wish that my H could step into my soul and get a quick view of the damage laying there. A flash of my life over the last year. The grief that he suffers is real, but it is a product of his actions, done to me and done to himself, as well as my family and the OW's family. Yes, he has a burden to carry, but he has shattered any hope of us being innocent together. It's probably the last thing on my list to forgive, as it is a doozy.

Do you have more moments of happiness than disappointment? I'm about half and half right now, but I'm the only one who has been 'obvious' about choosing recovery, so it's to be expected. I can tell you that becoming a WS will only compound the sadness that you feel; as you will become what you detest. Don't you go and do that. It's better to move on alone, start fresh, lick the wounds and heal. I truly believe this now, more than ever

Temp

Temp,

I guess how I feel runs in cycles depending on what else is going on in my life. This has been a rough year in many ways. My H lost his job the end of March and is really having a tough time finding another one.

The current situation only reminds me of how much I have always had to give in our relationship, how I have always had to be "the responsible one."

No matter what has happened in our lives, it has always been left to me to make it all work out. I have been there for him through every job change, every difficult time and set back.

Before 2003, I did this freely without a second thought, but now it is a strain every day to stand by him thru yet another difficult time when in all honesty, I don't think he deserves it after all the pain he caused both of us.

And no, I'm not going to have an affair, too much trouble, not the right thing to do, against everything I believe in, and letting him see how bad a BS feels still isn't worth what I would lose....my own integrity. That is one of the few things I still have left.

Who

Your story is very similar to mine, in certain ways, and yet I have not felt surprised by the fact that the betrayal would last. I am well-familiar with heartbreak, though. I still mourn my mother 30-plus years after her passing. The only thing in my life that has even come close to the pain of losing her so early has been my husband's willful betrayal of our love. I don't think I suffered any misconceptions about the depth of the pain, or how long it would last in the aftermath of D-Day, but for me it was never a question of leaving him, I truly believe he is my God-given destiny.

Someone mentioned the Serenity Prayer this morning and I was glad to be reminded of it because there is an important piece to it that I believe with all my heart, and that's not often recited:


Here we differ quite a lot, because I always believed I was above such jealous pettiness, of course, I didn't think in a million years my husband would stoop to having another woman when he could have me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I mean we were perfect for each other in every way.


In this way we are exactly the same, often noted by all those around me. I mean I wouldn't have called myself "obsessive" just "detail-oriented", "observant", "studious", and maybe a bit "perfectionist".


I think maybe the trouble is in your definition of "getting over it". Because if I expected to get to a place where the losses I suffered as a result of this situation didn't hurt at all, I'd be setting myself for a big disappointment. I've suffered many profound losses in my life and this is just one more. But I'm used to living a tragedy, and I've made piece with that. A tragic life doesn't necessarily mean "JOYLESS". But like I said, I've had practice already.


I'm beginning to see where we are profoundly different then. I learned very early that despite the material things I had, like a surprise horse for my 12th Birthday, a a '66 Ford Musting for my 15th Bday, in some ways I had a charmed childhood, but there's not much that can outweigh the disappointment of losing your mom by her own hand. I can still see my life as special and even "fabulous" and worth living too, in spite of the disappointment of finding out my star-crossed love affair with my own husband wasn't good enough or was replacable for him, for a time. But my husband is human, and buffeted by a society that doesn't value or even believe in true love, -- just wait and see the replies I get -- people who haven't known true love don't understand. And that's why I think you are so profoundly disappointed. Because you don't understand how something so precious and irreplacable to you, could have been seen as so very worthless by your husband. It's because he allowed the evil and wickedness in the world to turn his head, but he woke up! He figured it out! And I think, he doesn't know how to make up for it, he is just as confused about how he got off track as you are, and if you talk to him about these things you may be able to find the bridge back to your special sweetness that you shared before, because your heart is broken because you had to give up your dream of TRUE LOVE. But it's only you that's stopping you from reclaiming it. I personally think that many great romances throughout history have had to conquer the lure of interfering other people. How can a decades-long marriage stay strong enough to fight off infidelity when no one warns us or prepares us for it?? That Other Person waited for her opportunity of momentary weakness and ran with it. If you don't fight to find your true love again, evil wins.



Have you had the opportunity to talk with a counselor. Have you had a chance to share with your husband that you are not healing and need his help, that you aren't healing because you put off doing the healing things that most recovering couples do to re-establish and reclaim their love, and it's time to start, better late than never, and the sooner you get started addresssing the sooner you can put it truly behind you. See I don't think there's a darn thing wrong with you, except you've been expected to heal without "medicine". The medicine is your husband talking it out with you in a loving way, hearing you out while you voice your anger, disappointment and pain. The suppression of THAT is what is causing the resentment that is leading you to disconnect further and further from your love from your husband. He needs to know there's an excellent chance to fix this, and by not stepping up he's squandering the TRUE LOVE God Blessed you two with. Not everyone gets that, INFIDELITY CAN'T DESTROY IT, BUT NEGLECT WILL FOR CERTAIN.


No, I'm only sharing my opinion because your post struck a chord with me, especially when you said if the Other Woman had ever seen you two together she wouldn't have even tried. I have said the EXACT same thing.