Marriage Builders
Posted By: lurioosi do i have to tell who? - 07/07/06 03:27 PM
I was unfaithful to my husband, and I feel weighted down. I know I need to be honest. Do I have to tell who the affair was with? I am worried about what my husband might do or say to him.
Posted By: MicheleG Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/07/06 03:37 PM
Lurioosi,
Welcome.

Your H will probably want to know who your A was with. Yes! You will need to tell him everything that he needs to know. There can be no secrets between you and your A partner.

Read all you can read here!! The experts will chime in soon. Give them a little info up front so they know how to help you like:
how long married?
children?
how long was the A?
is it over?
has contact with OP ended?

Give us a bit of background. You can recover your M but it takes alot of work.

Good Luck!
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/07/06 03:41 PM
Quote
I was unfaithful to my husband, and I feel weighted down. I know I need to be honest. Do I have to tell who the affair was with? I am worried about what my husband might do or say to him.

Yes, you can't have anymore secrets frm your H. He has a RIGHT to this information. The OM knows who your H is, your H has just as much right to know who he is.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/07/06 04:00 PM
Does your husband have a history of violence?

Does he keep guns around the house?

What does your H do for a living?

Pep
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/07/06 04:01 PM
Lurioosi,
Welcome. You will find much support and information here.

I know how difficult it is to tell someone the truth, that you know will tear them apart, and tear you down. It's a necessary evil at this point. Try to remember that you hold the details of everything inside you, and he knows nothing. Do you truly believe that a half truth is okay? This is the time to lay it all out on the table. Any omission is a lie. If you want to recover your M, you have to be completely honest, show your willingness to be honest. You may have to sit and answer a lot of questions, so be sure that you have plenty of time and privacy (no kids, friends, family around).
Posted By: frognomore Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/07/06 04:41 PM
luri,

Read Dorry's thread for FWW.

The main thing is that you want to releive this terrible burden you are carrying.

It is not fair to place that burden on your BS unless you are willing to be completely radically honest about it.

If you admit to the A and then decide to leave out details you are not being fair to your H.

If you are not completely honest you will just make him question your ability to be honest. Every lie makes things worse not better.

Do not fall into the "I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you." justification. You have already done that and like someone pointed out a lie of omission is just as bad if not worse.

I have been there done that and I can tell you first hand honesty is the best policy right away.
Posted By: _AD_ Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/08/06 04:21 AM
lurioosi,

Welcome to MB. It's brave you you to be here!

You are asking the right kinds of questions.

The goal - is to have total intimacy (heart to heart, mind to mind, soul to soul and , um ...) with your H.

Of course you have to tell him all about it. He has to know who because he's going to be watching out for that guy for the rest of his life - and because he has to be able to enforce the "no contact" rule - that you will never have any kind of contact (email, phone, snail-mail, or in person) with your (hopefully former) affair partner for rest of your life. You need your H's help with that.

Do the work. Grind out the victory. Restore your marriage.

... and as others have said, lies hurt as much as the infidelity itself. Tell only the truth to your husband.


-AD
Posted By: Katie_Mae Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/08/06 12:36 PM
Does your H know OM?

I think it depends on many things... your H's personality, how attached you still are to OM, etc.

My H did not want to know who OM was, because that made him feel safe.

Some BS want to know EVERYTHING about the OP, because that makes them feel safe.

Do you want to save your M?
Posted By: lurioosi Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/10/06 02:39 PM
I do want to save my M. As far as my H wanting to know who, I think that his feelings would be mixed. He does not get angry very often, but I have seen him lose his temper. I worry a little about him going storming over to the OM's house. I used to work with this man, and he used to be my daughter's guitar teacher - no more of that. Fortuantely, we no longer move in the same friendship or career circles, so unless we happen to go to Wal Mart at the same time, there is no dnager of interaction. I have an accountablilty and prayer partner who does not know specifics, but she does know that I have been struggling with some personal issues. We meet, pray, and she keeps me accountable for taking thoughts captive. My H and I are also making efforts to become close again, which is something he has not wanted for a long time. In some selfish ways, I hate to muddy the waters by bringing up the past, but I don't want it hainging over our heads either. Thanks for your response.
Posted By: lurioosi Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/10/06 02:47 PM
Here is some additional information that Michele requested. I have been married 12 years, and we have 2 kids - 10 and 8. My husband has changed jobs and careers several times, though he is doing very well and is really fulfilled in his current career. We are very different - I am intense, and a bit of a roller coaster ride at times - my friends would call me "creative" and "passionate." He is very steady, logical, and is control of his emotions. Ideally we could balance each other out. I am very affectionate, and he has lost interest in that sort of thing over the past few years. meanwhile, I lost some weight, became more confident through some personal and career success, and probably became too independent from him. I also became friends with a co-worker with whom I have some things in common. I suspected that my H might be having an affair of his own (I still do not know if this is true), and I went to my friend for support. STUPID! We were together on two occasions, and then both agreed it was very very wrong. We arranged one more meeting a few weeks later, but both of us were to guilty to go through with it. We haven't spoken or seen each other since. In the meantime, my H and I are talking more, and I am making a real effort to be open to him and help him to be open to me. I think that answers some of the questions - maybe too much info. I tend to ramble.
Posted By: Katie_Mae Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/10/06 03:18 PM
I'm glad to hear that you and your H are taking steps to being more open with one another. True closeness, however, won't ever happen if you don't tell him about what happened.

I'm still early in recovery, but I use to think like you did. I ended the A and started finally "working" on my M. I was terrified to tell H... I didn't want to hurt him and I didn't want a D. However, that selfish way of thinking didn't give him a choice as to how he wanted to live HIS life.

On the morning that I planned to tell H, I packed a bag and put it in my car. He was still sleeping when I left for work, and I looked at him sleeping for a long time, gave him a kiss and left. I cried all the way to work, and most of the day I was there.

When I told H that evening, I was absolutely blown away by his response. He said he felt relieved! During my A he thought he was crazy, and kept wondering what he was doing wrong. He said he didn't want me to leave, or not sleep in our bed. He wanted to work on the M. Of course he was hurt... and angry. But my fantasy of him kicking me to the curb, grilling me, leaving me to stay with friends/family, etc. never happened.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let your confession fantasy stand in the way of a real and honest relationship with your H. He will be upset, but if you are sincere with your intentions, do anything and everything you can to make him feel comfortable and safe. You will be free of this horrible secret and on your way to having a very real and loving M.
Posted By: lurioosi Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/13/06 10:48 PM
To katie Mae
I have read a lot of your posts, and you seem to be doing so well. I am realizing now that even though my A only had two "physical encounters," it was an EA for a long time before that. I guess that is why it is so hard not to think about it. I finally sent a NC email to the OM two days ago. Is it totally ridiculous that I feel let down that he didn't respond - I mean, isn't that what NC means!?!? And I am trying like crazy to take every though captive - have been for awhile. I listen to nothing but the most encouraging, truth-filled Christian music I can while I run. I am trying to cling to God for dear life. And still he pops into my head and invades my dreams. When does this stop? I wish I could erase him. I went through all of my emails both home and school an deleted everthing sent to and received from OM, even stuff that had to do with work or other stuff. I tore up all my journaling. I deleted every text message. if only I could delete memories. maybe a year from now I will be where you are - I sure hope so.
Posted By: Katie_Mae Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/14/06 01:10 AM
Lurioosi,

Good for you for taking these first steps. You said,

"I finally sent a NC email to the OM two days ago. Is it totally ridiculous that I feel let down that he didn't respond - I mean, isn't that what NC means!?!?"

Believe me, EVERY WS feels this way when he/she first tries to establish NC. You're addicted, and this response is completely expected.

I ended my A over a year ago, told H ten months ago, have gone through both MC and IC (I still go to IC), continue to do self-help work, post here and I STILL think about my A every day. It doesn't go away until the underlying problem is fixed. I'm improving, but it's a lot of work.

You can be where I am in one year ONLY if you tell your H. I thought I could handle it on my own (I think many WS feel this way) but it's impossible. And it's impossible to have the love you want without confessing. I applaud you for taking these first steps, but you will only be able to heal yourself if you tell your H. It seems from what you say that he might also have a confession of his own. You have to learn to talk to one another.

Have you thought any more about telling your H?
Posted By: lurioosi Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/14/06 10:38 AM
I know that I will have to tell him. I realize now it won't stop being this huge wall until I do. I just have to work up the terrific amount of nerve it will take. I wish we could move to Alaska first so that we won't be anywhere near the OM - ha! My H wouldn't become violent or anything, but the thought of them having this big argument ovfer me...scary. Plus, the OM begged me to promise never to tell - we have LOTS of mutual friends. I shouldn't care about how this affects his life, but it will be a "whole town" kind of thing if my H needs to know who and decides to confront him. Ick.
Posted By: USSoldier Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/14/06 11:34 AM
lurioosi,

I too am pretty knoew to this site. I found out while I was on r&r that my WW had betrayed me with a man I knew. She doesn't know that I know the name of this man. I am hoping she will tell me on her own soon.

The real reason I am writing you, b/c at this point have have very little advice to give, is to not ASSUME what his reaction will be.

When I found out, through her journal (short story, but irrelevent at the moment), I was in a state of rage for all of 5 minutes. Then my semi-rational side took over. I, like your H am pretty laid back, and I also have a bad temper that my WW has never even seen and I keep under control for safety reasons.. lol.

I was actually in the same room with this guy for a short amount of time, but didn't confront b/c I knew it was the wrong time b/c I had been drinking. I will go no further b/c this thread is about you!

Long story short...have faith that his rational side will take charge. I surprised myself at how calm I managed to stay.

I hope this helps a little. To all the experienced people out there, feel free to shoot this advice down if it sounds anti-MB.
Posted By: 2crazy Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/14/06 12:43 PM
Lurioosi,

You will receive tons of advice from many sources, sort them out..you already know what is right, and what needs to be done or you would not be here!...

As for the total honesty thing...I am not so sure about that either, I am struggling with the same issue, although my husband does know of the A and the OM's name, address, phone number (both cell & home)....the OM is not a person we will ever be in contact with as he does not live near our area. My husband feels "empowered" with the knowledge he has...holding it over my head as well as the OM's..that if we ever contact each other again he will let the OM's wife know everything...(or at least everything he knows)

For me ..that is why I haven't been totaly honest as of yet...Through this process my H as said that "Total honesty" is better than "false hope"...I just can't bear the thought of telling him everything at this point...he will be so disappointed..not in what I have done...but that I have deceived him yet again...I need to be prepared for that ..and as of yet I am not strong enough to do that...but I am working to get there quickly...

US Soldier is correct....don't assume that you know how he will respond...I too thought he would kick me to the curb..leave...and and berate me....however, he was deeply hurt, shocked, and surprisingly..forgiving..taking some of the blame for the condition of our marriage upon himself...

I guess the point about being honest to the BH is that it makes us..the WW's...openly admit our wrong-doings...and hearing ourselves, say those words, out loud...is tough..like any addict..admitting you have a problem..or have done wrong is the hardest step!

Good luck to you Lorioosi! and know that there are many more who walk in your shoes...you are not alone...and we are all struggling and trying to heal...
Posted By: allforone Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/14/06 04:37 PM
Hi lurioosi - What about starting counseling first and getting help from the counselor in your revelation? It sounds like you might belong to a church - have you thought about getting your pastor involved to help? As a BS, I can tell you that there are some things I wish I didn't know. Once you open up to your H about the affair, you can just let him ask the questions and decide what he wants to know. He might suprise you, and not want to know too much - it is more this way with men than women, I think. I also think it says a lot that you have already sent a NC letter, too. Get some extra things done too, like an STD screen, etc., maybe even start looking for another job. The STD screen shows that you are committed to the M and are accepting accountability for the risks you took that may have jepordized your H's health. You can also pray for the best time to tell, so that it happens naturally and God has engineered it, instead of you having engineered it.
Posted By: lurioosi Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/14/06 04:53 PM
Actually, I made an appointment with a counselor and then cancelled it. They don't take my insurance, a silly excuse I know. I am afraid to talk with my pastor. What if he decides that my H needs to know and tells him? Can they do that? Thankfully, the job situation is no longer a problem. The OM no longer teaches there - he is going back to school. I need to talk this through with someone, I know. For me, silence is like a big prison - I am a born talker. I think the advice about praying for an opportunity is good - I will do that for sure. here's another thing I worry about: The day before the first physical encounter, I had founf my H's pack of "little blue pills." Lots were missing, but we had not been together. Adding that to his computer time, his long hours, and his general lack of interest in me, I assumed he must be cheating. That may have been the dominoe that started the whole physical thing, because I told the OM about it. Now, one of my biggest fears is that there is a logical explanation for all that, that my H will storm over to the OM's house and demand an explanation for the A, and the OM will say, "Well, you were cheating on her." Then, my H will of course deny it, and I will look like some big deceitful sex-crazed liar. Okay, this fear is slightly irrational - it sounds stupid to type it. But it is probably the biggest reason I have not told.
Posted By: Katie_Mae Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/14/06 07:09 PM
Lurioosi,

No, your pastor won't tell your H. He will probably encourage you to, though. I think talking to him would be an excellent idea.

I've noticed a lot of "fantasy thinking" in your posts. I mean this in the most respectful way. Fantasy thinking is when you make up stuff in your head... like, my H acted this way so that means blah blah, or, I can't tell H because he will do this and that, etc. You have all of these scenarios played out in your mind... little movies in your head.

And since most of these thoughts/fantasies are based in fear, you cease to take action that could make real positive changes in your life.

I know we all "live in our heads" but what you are doing is limiting your possibilities for great things in your life and your M!

Also, I see you are a teacher. I am a speech and language pathologist, and I work in an elementary school. One of my great motivators for change was my students. When I talk about respect, trust, openness and honesty with my children, I want to be able to practice what I preach. I want to be a REAL role model for them. I see so many children who have been hurt by issues such as this. It absolutely destroys kids to have three stepdads by the time they are ten years old. I know you understand what I mean. You are a teacher and also a mom.

Please stop fantasizing and take a hold of your life! I think talking to the pastor is a great first step. When is the soonest you can see him?
Posted By: lurioosi Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/14/06 09:32 PM
My pastor is in New Orleans on a mission trip right now. I need to make an appointment to see him next week. I didn't realize until a little earlier this afternoon how fragile I really am. My children are in the next room wondering why I am crying all over the keyboard. It's time to take this in hand. Thanks for you advice.
Posted By: Jean36 Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/15/06 04:10 AM
Hi Lurioosi,

I don't have anything to add to what you have already heard. I am just real glad to see you here.
Posted By: Katie_Mae Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/15/06 04:26 PM
Lurioosi,

I know you think you are strong, but you can't do this on your own. You just can't.

I'm so proud of you for being here and taking small steps to try and repair your life and M. After you make an appointment with your pastor, let us know.

And if you need to talk, just keep posting. We are here.

You can do it!
Posted By: Plank Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/15/06 04:51 PM
Hello Lurioosi and welcome to MB.

I’ve read your posts, and have a few things I’d like to present to you. Know that I’m doing this because I care about you and your M and I support MB’s concepts because they work.

Let me preface my thoughts by saying that I’m not known for hugging kittens and sprinkling sugar on dung. But, I love people and want to see if I can peel a layer of the onion back wi’ya.

The part that you have not considered here is that your H is going to find out.

Now you can control some of the pain and hurting here by being honest with him and opening yourself up like a book, or you can allow him to wade through the destructive wake you have imposed upon him by allowing him to discover every tidbit of information by himself.

If you confess your crime against him and tell him that you will be transparently honest you can let this thing fall like an anvil from the sky and knock him down hard ONCE,

or,

You can allow him to know that something is wrong deep inside and always question everything that you and he do together for the rest of your lives.

In the latter case you are assuming that the guilt you have obviously locked horns with now will somehow go away and it will not effect him.

This is the slap ok? Gentle, but honest.

It’s affecting him right now and will FOREVER until you tell him.

Your own mind is what is affecting him. Your perspectives on life and your relationship with him are like cancer right now. You can only excise this foreign body of decaying sickness from your M through exposure.

If you are a leader here now you can prevent MORE destruction. You can prevent more pain and you will be expressing compassion.

I know it sounds twisted, but it’s the truth and there you have it.

Believe me, I was the BS that had to discover every fact, every hint, one at time over months and each time was the same; an anvil out of the sky landing squarely on my head.

Exposing this to your H is likely the most dignified thing that you will ever do in your life. You don’t see this now, but you will one day come to understand it crystal clear.

Make the commitment to do it today and follow through immediately. Then stay here and follow up with the support group.

Pick a time when he can be sitting down, you have no kids around, and you both can be safe.

There is hope lurioosi, but a lot of that has to do with how you handle this pivotal time of your life and accept the burden of responsibility now.

Be the heroine here.

Plank.
Posted By: lurioosi Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/16/06 10:28 AM
Plank, you are absolutely right. He knows I am not myself, and being bipolar can only explain so much - he can tell this is different. I am going to tell him -- soon. Basically, I just have to wait for a close friend of mine ot come back to town so I can ask her to take the kids for an evening this week. Anyone who reads this post - pray, pray, pray.
Posted By: Katie_Mae Re: do i have to tell who? - 07/16/06 02:03 PM
Lurioosi,

I am praying for you! Not only will it be okay, but it will be BETTER... never has a wiser expression been spoken, "the truth will set you free."

This will be the most difficult and emotional thing you will ever do in your life, but you will gain your respect, dignity and your soul back.

Also, being bipolar explains quite a bit... my brother is bipolar, so I understand (to a degree.) Have you been reading Callie1's thread? Take a look over there... her H has recently been diagnosed. There are several other folks on this board with BD, many who have been WS as well.

Please keep us updated... you are doing the right thing, and I am praying for you and your family!

KM
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