I need to know what they meant to each other and how deep. I have asked many times and she says "I never loved him, never said I love you to him and there was never any talk of a future together". Even though during this whole period she emphatically stated time and time again that "I want a divorce and there is probably nothing you can do to win my heart back" she says now that "It was never my intention to get a divorce" and "through all of this I never expected us not to be together in the future" I am supposed to believe this, I may be a fool, but these answers make no sense whatsoever.
Finally, my personal favorite, "I was just going to have sex with him for awhile, end it and comeback to you". Is that even remotely possible? Even though now she say she believes in the importance of honesty and openness and that I can ask her anything. Can I trust her, or is she playing me like some idiot.
Is it even remotely possible for a wife and mother to leave her children and husband and not expect a future with the OM? And when it ends abruptly should I believe that she never wanted a divorce through all of this?
I guess I understand the fog part, the addiction et al.
Is possible for a woman to give her heart and body to an OM leave her children, her home and her husband of 16 years for anything other than a promise of a future with the OM?
She tells me there was nothing it was nothing and there was no future. Why would she be willing to risk everything for nothing?
Anyone please!
Yes, irqpawn, I understand what your wife is trying to tell you...Yes, everyone here is right, it is major FOG, but I've been there, so as strange as it sounds, I get what she means, probably much more than even she does right now...
WSs(wayward spouses) are in a constant state of conflict...There probably were fleeting moments when she thought to herself, or maybe even said to OM, "if I knew that this feeling could last forever, I would leave and never look back"...I know, because I said as much, but deep down, I knew otherwise, actually I even said it to OM a few times...I would say, "I really can't imagine a world where there is no Mr. & Mrs. W"...I even thought and later told Mr. W that he and I were just experiencing problems due to career and child rearing years-that I always knew that we would live out our retirement days together-so ridiculous sounding now-but I believed it then-WHOLEHEARTEDLY...irqpawn, the high from an affair is seriously intense...It DOES involve the alteration of brain chemicals, and so it really does have many of the effects that drugs would...Seriously...And don't question how deep her feelings were for OM, because those "feelings" were NOT about OM at all, but rather, about how she felt about herself in a fantasy relationship...A "relationship" that was feeding her dopamine and seratonin levels, based on what she fed it...
Think of your wife as a caged rat that got a fix of cocaine everytime she pushed a button...THAT is one of the most accurate descriptions for an affair that I have ever heard...You see irqpawn, your wife "pushed the button" by feeding the ego of the OM with flowery words, when she did that, he also fed her ego with the same type
fake flowery words...Two soul sick individuals living out a fake life...not one bit of it steeped in reality...no shared household chores, no sick children, no bills, etc...all a bunch of false flattery...And you know what, the high is so powerful that the WS and the OP will even lie to each other to get the imitation compliments-MAJOR MANIPULATION...REALLY...One of the greatest benefits afforded to a BS by snooping is that they get to hear just how ludricrous and ridiculous the whole affair sham is...In my case, for example, when I would feel OM backing off slightly, but I wanted my "fix", I would make up just about anything about how poorly Mr. W treated me...Now, I know that you don't know Mr. W, but he is just the calmest, most easy going man on the planet...He has honestly and truly NEVER even raised his voice...but that's not what I told OM, NOSIRREE, I told him that Mr. W was TOXIC and CONTROLLING...I so wish that I had a way to show you just how funny that description of him actually is...WHAT A BOLD FACED LIE!!! But you know what? It worked for me, it made OM feel sorry for me, which in turn made him say all the things I wanted to hear...Yes, I realize how sick, twisted and wrong that is...NOW...Your wife will too, EVENTUALLY, but it will take quite a while, and a lot of internal work on her part...And yes, she will very much want to blame her behavior on her ADHD or anything else that she can...Think about it, would you want to admit to such a horrible thing about yourself? It is a bitter pill to swallow, but it is how she will begin to heal...She must OWN her behavior and REALLY understand it...Figure out what in her allowed her to choose that behavior...It is in doing that, that she will be able to regain her integrity...It is from that, that will come true remorse, not guilt, because guilt is a selfish emotion...From remorse will come repentence...Healing...Which will help both of you...Does your wife read here? Can you get her to and perhaps even post? Being here has been instrumental to our recovery...REALLY HUGE, in fact...
irqpawn, recovery is very much a tandem deal...Try with all your heart not to judge her harshly...I know that is really difficult considering how harsh her treatment of you and your family has been-I know...But TRY to see her as human...Something that went so very far with me, was that Mr. W always told me that he understood, and said that he was just as human as I...that he could see that he was susceptible to having an affair too, that infidelity was very much a human condition...He never yelled, screamed, cursed or called me names...I will always believe that remorse came for me sooner because of the Amazing Grace that he showed towards me...And irqpawn, he reaped the positive effects of that too, you get that right? I have said here so many times how very awed that I am by him...I will remain so for the rest of my life...A recovered/recovering marriage is a completely new marriage-which is what you want anyway...And irqpawn, it is VERY worth the effort...It sincerely is...
I'm glad that you are here, I hope that you and your wife will become a part of this community, and let it work the miracles in your lives that it has for so many others before you...If you work the program, it will work for you...
Best,
Mrs. W
P.S. A big thank you to JL for the vote of confidence our way...irqpawn, should your wife begin to post here, JL is one amazing fellow in posting to FWWs in a way that they really understand...I think he has a really unique gift for that...And yes, I also want to second what he says about listening to Pep...She is a special lady with a very wise soul...