lurioosi's impending confession - 07/17/06 03:31 PM
I am starting a new thread because it's hard for me to keep up with responses otherwise. A quick update.
If you haven't read any of the "do i have to tell who" or "what about women who need sex" posts, there are more details there. Bottom line, an EA (that I told myself was just a friendship) became an A this spring. We were together physically twice and then stopped the physical stuff somewhat mutually. We foolishly promised each other to "take it to the grave." We have a lot of mutual acquaintences and this town is SMALL in the gossip and scandal sense. However, the silence was putting ME into an early grave - ha ha. I have also been recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and it was during a bad manic episode that I had the A. I am not blaming that - I know my mind and feelings - I would have done it anyway.
The end of last week, I just really spiraled downward. I spent most of Friday night laying awake and wandering the house, wondering if the worl would just be better off without me, what a terrible person I am, yada yada - big pity party. On Saturday, my H asked me if I was depressed, and should I maybe talk to the dr. about my meds. I just lost it. I cried - no - sobbed and wailed - for a long time. He just held me and said he would help and please call the dr. I felt like trash because even though I am somewhat depressed, I knew what the real weight was from.
I talked to two ministers. One - who is our pastor - agrees that the A must be exposed, even though he believes I have repented. He said that my H needs to know not just for him but for me and our children, and that it will be the start to keeping me accountable. The other minister went to college with my H and me. He has known my H longer than I have. He told me he wasn't sure I should tell becuase, "H is good at many things, but forgiving isn't one of the." He is right about that. H still hates a friend who betrayed him in college and a girl who broke his heart. HOWEVER, whether or not he can forgive shouldn't be my main concern, I don't think. He has a right to know, and it's his right to forgive or not, I suppose.
ANYWAY, after my walk today, I got exrtremely sleepy and pretty much went right back to bed. H came in before leaving for work and asked if I was okay. I told him I was really tired. he asked if he should stay home and watch the kids for me this morning - his first class isn't until 11:00. I told him I was just sleepy, but I really wished we could have some time to talk. He sighed and said, "Yeah. We need to talk about a lot of things. There are some things you should know, but you have been so fragile, I just don't know what to do." Yikes (I have suspected him of some things for a year or so). I said that there were just so many things going on with me, I didn't care how fragile I was, we need to really talk. So, tonight when he gets home we are talking. Both of my reliable sitters are out of town right now, but (don't laugh) we made an 11:30 pm "appointment" to talk. The kids will be asleep then, and since I just took a 2-hour nap, I won't be in bed early! I am going to tell him, and I am going to try to respond to whatever he tells me with dignity. Althgough knowing me there will be tears and snot involved - ha.
I deserve a lot of flack for the choices I have made, but I deserve the most flack for the pride I had the audacity to have for so long. When I was in college, our music minister had an affair with his secretary. Yes, it was very wrong of both of them. He quit his position at the church. But you should have seen how we all treated HER. It was worse than Hester Prynne in "The Scarlett Letter." She ended up attempting suicide and moving far away. Did she sin? Absolutely. But I wince when I think of how unChristlike we all were. It was she who came forward and confessed first, the minister had to be dragged kicking and screaming to admit it. Never say never, I guess - or is it "pride goes before the fall."
Anyway, bottom line is that I had an A, and telling my husband is the first step to maybe recovering my M. Pray for me tonight.
If you haven't read any of the "do i have to tell who" or "what about women who need sex" posts, there are more details there. Bottom line, an EA (that I told myself was just a friendship) became an A this spring. We were together physically twice and then stopped the physical stuff somewhat mutually. We foolishly promised each other to "take it to the grave." We have a lot of mutual acquaintences and this town is SMALL in the gossip and scandal sense. However, the silence was putting ME into an early grave - ha ha. I have also been recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and it was during a bad manic episode that I had the A. I am not blaming that - I know my mind and feelings - I would have done it anyway.
The end of last week, I just really spiraled downward. I spent most of Friday night laying awake and wandering the house, wondering if the worl would just be better off without me, what a terrible person I am, yada yada - big pity party. On Saturday, my H asked me if I was depressed, and should I maybe talk to the dr. about my meds. I just lost it. I cried - no - sobbed and wailed - for a long time. He just held me and said he would help and please call the dr. I felt like trash because even though I am somewhat depressed, I knew what the real weight was from.
I talked to two ministers. One - who is our pastor - agrees that the A must be exposed, even though he believes I have repented. He said that my H needs to know not just for him but for me and our children, and that it will be the start to keeping me accountable. The other minister went to college with my H and me. He has known my H longer than I have. He told me he wasn't sure I should tell becuase, "H is good at many things, but forgiving isn't one of the." He is right about that. H still hates a friend who betrayed him in college and a girl who broke his heart. HOWEVER, whether or not he can forgive shouldn't be my main concern, I don't think. He has a right to know, and it's his right to forgive or not, I suppose.
ANYWAY, after my walk today, I got exrtremely sleepy and pretty much went right back to bed. H came in before leaving for work and asked if I was okay. I told him I was really tired. he asked if he should stay home and watch the kids for me this morning - his first class isn't until 11:00. I told him I was just sleepy, but I really wished we could have some time to talk. He sighed and said, "Yeah. We need to talk about a lot of things. There are some things you should know, but you have been so fragile, I just don't know what to do." Yikes (I have suspected him of some things for a year or so). I said that there were just so many things going on with me, I didn't care how fragile I was, we need to really talk. So, tonight when he gets home we are talking. Both of my reliable sitters are out of town right now, but (don't laugh) we made an 11:30 pm "appointment" to talk. The kids will be asleep then, and since I just took a 2-hour nap, I won't be in bed early! I am going to tell him, and I am going to try to respond to whatever he tells me with dignity. Althgough knowing me there will be tears and snot involved - ha.
I deserve a lot of flack for the choices I have made, but I deserve the most flack for the pride I had the audacity to have for so long. When I was in college, our music minister had an affair with his secretary. Yes, it was very wrong of both of them. He quit his position at the church. But you should have seen how we all treated HER. It was worse than Hester Prynne in "The Scarlett Letter." She ended up attempting suicide and moving far away. Did she sin? Absolutely. But I wince when I think of how unChristlike we all were. It was she who came forward and confessed first, the minister had to be dragged kicking and screaming to admit it. Never say never, I guess - or is it "pride goes before the fall."
Anyway, bottom line is that I had an A, and telling my husband is the first step to maybe recovering my M. Pray for me tonight.