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Joined: Jul 2006
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I am starting a new thread because it's hard for me to keep up with responses otherwise. A quick update.

If you haven't read any of the "do i have to tell who" or "what about women who need sex" posts, there are more details there. Bottom line, an EA (that I told myself was just a friendship) became an A this spring. We were together physically twice and then stopped the physical stuff somewhat mutually. We foolishly promised each other to "take it to the grave." We have a lot of mutual acquaintences and this town is SMALL in the gossip and scandal sense. However, the silence was putting ME into an early grave - ha ha. I have also been recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and it was during a bad manic episode that I had the A. I am not blaming that - I know my mind and feelings - I would have done it anyway.

The end of last week, I just really spiraled downward. I spent most of Friday night laying awake and wandering the house, wondering if the worl would just be better off without me, what a terrible person I am, yada yada - big pity party. On Saturday, my H asked me if I was depressed, and should I maybe talk to the dr. about my meds. I just lost it. I cried - no - sobbed and wailed - for a long time. He just held me and said he would help and please call the dr. I felt like trash because even though I am somewhat depressed, I knew what the real weight was from.

I talked to two ministers. One - who is our pastor - agrees that the A must be exposed, even though he believes I have repented. He said that my H needs to know not just for him but for me and our children, and that it will be the start to keeping me accountable. The other minister went to college with my H and me. He has known my H longer than I have. He told me he wasn't sure I should tell becuase, "H is good at many things, but forgiving isn't one of the." He is right about that. H still hates a friend who betrayed him in college and a girl who broke his heart. HOWEVER, whether or not he can forgive shouldn't be my main concern, I don't think. He has a right to know, and it's his right to forgive or not, I suppose.

ANYWAY, after my walk today, I got exrtremely sleepy and pretty much went right back to bed. H came in before leaving for work and asked if I was okay. I told him I was really tired. he asked if he should stay home and watch the kids for me this morning - his first class isn't until 11:00. I told him I was just sleepy, but I really wished we could have some time to talk. He sighed and said, "Yeah. We need to talk about a lot of things. There are some things you should know, but you have been so fragile, I just don't know what to do." Yikes (I have suspected him of some things for a year or so). I said that there were just so many things going on with me, I didn't care how fragile I was, we need to really talk. So, tonight when he gets home we are talking. Both of my reliable sitters are out of town right now, but (don't laugh) we made an 11:30 pm "appointment" to talk. The kids will be asleep then, and since I just took a 2-hour nap, I won't be in bed early! I am going to tell him, and I am going to try to respond to whatever he tells me with dignity. Althgough knowing me there will be tears and snot involved - ha.

I deserve a lot of flack for the choices I have made, but I deserve the most flack for the pride I had the audacity to have for so long. When I was in college, our music minister had an affair with his secretary. Yes, it was very wrong of both of them. He quit his position at the church. But you should have seen how we all treated HER. It was worse than Hester Prynne in "The Scarlett Letter." She ended up attempting suicide and moving far away. Did she sin? Absolutely. But I wince when I think of how unChristlike we all were. It was she who came forward and confessed first, the minister had to be dragged kicking and screaming to admit it. Never say never, I guess - or is it "pride goes before the fall."

Anyway, bottom line is that I had an A, and telling my husband is the first step to maybe recovering my M. Pray for me tonight.

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I think that you are moving in the right direction, admitting your bad choices is indeed the right thing to do. It may seem like the world will fall apart but having been in the same position; I can tell you that it won't. I have walked the floors thinking the same thing, but here I am years later, kicking and screaming for my M. This time it wasn't my bad choices. whatever happens tonight, you are indeed strong enought to handle whatever comes your way. God does NOT give us more than we can handle!

Like LA says "Kudos" to you and you should give yourself some of your own "kudos" for moving in the right directions! Just be yourself and be open and honest!


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Hey Luri,

I posted to you on the Recovery board, but we could talk here too if you like.

I'll be saying a prayer for you tonight. You're doing the right thing. Be strong.

KJ


"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
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Lurioosi,

I am so proud of you!! Tonite is going to be so hard, but so worth it. You are doing the right thing.

Please don't listen to the pastor who knows your H... my parents told me not to tell my H because he "couldn't handle it" but boy, were they wrong! While your H might have a difficult time forgiving things that have happened in the past, you are his W, you have children and he loves you. It's very, very different.

Also, don't worry about what people are going to think. Just know you are making things right with yourself and God, and that the only opinions that matter are the ones that you hold dear. I actually cofessed my A to friends who didn't know, because I complained about H to them during my A and it wasn't his fault... it was mine. I wanted to clear his name.

You will be very surprised to learn that what happens after you confess isn't what you expect. You are doing a very good thing for yourself, your H and your M.

We are all praying for you, and sending hugs tonite!

KM


Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)

So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...

"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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Well, I am not sure what to think. I feel like I'm walking around in some alternate dimension.

My H has been looking at porn again, and he has an "inappropriate friendship." He says he is very confused. I am not sure how far this inappropriate friendship has progressed, and he was having a hard time just getting that much out. I was so ready to make my own confession I didn't push for details much. The thing is....this inappropriate friendship is with a man. There, I typed it and I didn't throw up. I guess in some ways that explains a lot.

I told him. I said, "There isn't any good way to tell you this, and I have no excuses.....I slept with someone else. It happened twice, and it hasn't happened since the end of April, and it is over. I can't believe I did it, and it isn't your fault. I wasn't ever going to tell you, but I can't take it. I am so sorry. I can't believe I hurt you like that."

He sat for a long time. I just sat there too, I wasn't sure what to do. He finally sighed and sat back on the couch and put his hands over his face. I asked him, "Is there anything you need to know? Anything you want to know?" He sat for awhile again and then said, "No. I think I have enough information for one night." We didn't really say much else, except for me intermittently saying I was sorry. He eventually checked his suger (he's diabetic) and then said, "Great, and my sugar's 300."

I eventually asked him if he wanted me to stay with him or go to bed. I was trying not to cry, but it wasn't working so well. He said, "I just need to think." I felt horrible. As I was leaving the den, he asked if there was anything I needed to know. I thought for a minute and asked him if the porn was men or women, and he said some of both. Then I went to bed.

Today feels very weird, and we didn't really act any different than usual this morning, I guess because of the kids. I don't know what his reaction really is or if he will want to talk again. He sort of likes to ignore things that make him uncomfortable. I am not really interested in asking about his situation at this point - to be honest, it was exactly what I thought it was - even the man part.

So, that's it for now. I am planning to take my kids to the park and the pool to keep them happy and me busy today. Something normal. Thanks for your prayers.

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Lurioosi,

Holy smokes... I am completely speechless.

Your H's confession explains a lot.

To start, I am SO PROUD OF YOU for telling him!

I'm surprised you didn't do much talking after you both confessed.

Why did you try and control your tears? Tears were very real, normal and necessary, I think.

So you've had suspicions of his interest in men before?

I am so, so, sorry. You both really, REALLY need to talk more. Typically confessions such as these open a floodgate... you and your H seem completely shut off from one another.

How was the park and pool? Have you thought about what your next steps are going to be? Initially I thought counseling with your pastor would be good, but if your H is attracted to men, it might not be such a good idea (I'm sorry if this isn't true and if I offend anyone... I'm not a part of any organized religion so I'm not sure how counseling works based on a church's view of homosexuality.)

I know you are in tremendous pain right now, but feel good about yourself for doing the right thing... that was very, very brave of you.

((Lurioosi))


Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)

So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...

"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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Thanks for your post. I think we didn't talk more because it was so late, his sugar was high, and I was just so exhausted from keeping the secret for so long. Actually, yesterday both my parents had sort of a health crisis (mom a detached retina and dad hospitalized for dehydration due to a virus), so I didn't go to the pool or park. They are both doing better.

I think my H and I will talk more tonight - that is my plan. I have wondered about the "men" thing before, and one of my best friends, who I told about this a few weeks ago, confessed to me that she had known about some things he did in college, but never knew how to tell me. She thought he had changed.

I don't know what will happen, but at least some weight is lifting.

Thanks again.

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Lurioosi, I have a friend whose husband ran off with a male circus clown after 15 years of marriage and 3 children.(!) She chose not to remain married. I divorced my "desperate to be straight" first husband after ten years of marriage for the same reason. (ran off with our pastor, not a clown. It was a real nobrainer to divorce him) That said, there are options if you decide you want to remain in this marriage. Here is a link that you may find helpful:

http://www.ssnetwk.org/internet.shtml

Please seek specific help to deal with your situation...your husband's sexual orientation is a MAJOR LIFE issue and should NOT be swept under the rug b/c of your infidelity. A call to the Harleys is something you may want to consider but I would definitely look into getting the support you will need if your husband truly has a bi or homosexual orientation.

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Wow Lurioosi, what a week you're having (!)

My father had a detached retina too... it sucks.

I'm glad to hear some weight is lifting... it will continue to lift the more you talk and are honest.

Lets us know how things go tonite. Much love, hugs and prayers sent your way today...

KM


Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)

So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...

"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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responding to knewbetter:

Thanks for the post. Apparently, when H was in college, he had some strangely close friendships. I know of one incident now (via my friend) in which he actually initiated something physical with a classmate. After I met him, I knew of 2 occasions in which someone hit on him. He seemed very upset about it at the time, and I assumed it was because he was insulted or something. We actually started dating seriously after he confided in me that he was feeling low because a guy he had been discipling became very close to him, and people in the church started asking questions. He was in seminary at the time. I know he had some inappropriate chat room relationships with a couple of men while I was pregnant with our second child - he said he was trying to help them.

This latest thing has not been completely sexual - I am pretty sure there has only been hand-to-hand combat, if you catch my drift. My brother is gay, and very open about it. I don't know if it is something that can be changed unless the person really wants to. I really think my H would like for us to have some sort of "friendship marriage," and just leave it at that. Becuase he is diabetic and I am the one carrying our insurance, I know he will not leave me. That sounds bad, and I don't mean it that way. If I go by what my pastor growing up always said, I am resigned to a peaceful coexistence for the rest of my life. I am not so sure I can take that. But it's too early to think about that. We still haven't covered all the ground we need to with the whole "confessions" thing. I am still worried about what will happen if he wants to know who, and he gets really mad and confronts the OM. He won't hurt him or anything, but it will be bad.

Anyway, I appreciate your input, and I will definietly check out the web site.

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An update:

I have deleted every record of the OM from my life, not on my cell phone, not in my email address book, nothing.

H has NC commitment as well. We are talking more and more, not leaving anything "inside," so to speak.

Not to be too personal, but we have come together more this weekend. Are talking about going through a book together.

We want to see someone together, so that is a very good sign too.

The Dr. also adjusted my medicine about a week or so ago, and I think it may be helping too.

These are very small, slow steps, but they are something.

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Lurioosi,

This is wonderful! It sounds like you both are taking some positive steps (recovery steps are always very small and slow, unfortunately.) I'm so glad you are both talking and "coming together more" (oh my goodness, I'm blushing!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Have you talked about who you might want to see for MC? Have you both thought about doing IC as well?

Thanks for the update and glad to hear you are making some progress... keep us updated.

((Luri)))


Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)

So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...

"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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There is a biblical counselor not far from here who we may begin seeing. Another friend of mine is taking our kids for a couple of hours tonight so we can talk more about things. I still feel like I am in a fog, but telling is unquestionably the only option. I would have wasted away otherwise, just died inside. H is crushed, but I think that we will stick it out.

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Good for you... you must be crushed, also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The fog will last for quite some time, but if you both keep talking and want the M to work, things will get better.

It's also good that you recognize you're foggy... it isn't always easy!

Have you seen or spoken to OM recently? What's going on with that?


Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)

So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...

"God lives in the gathering of saints."
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 486
K
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Luri,

How are you doing?

Thinking about you...

KM


Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)

So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...

"God lives in the gathering of saints."
Joined: Jul 2006
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All of you were so kind to me and I told so many lies. My husband did none of the things I had mentioned. It was all me. I was manic because of the bipolar. I was paranoid and thought that I was hot stuff. I was certain that my husband must be cheating on me because why wouldn't he want me when I was so hot? The truth was that I had just about destroyed him from the years of taking out my anger on him. He was afraid to be too close to me. Every time he tried to get close, I did something to destroy the closeness and then blamed him for it.

Things are getting better. We've both been to counseling separately and how we're going together. We're both wanting to make some changes.

Thank you so much for trying to help me. I'm so sorry that I told so many lies to make myself feel better.

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well lying to anonymous forum, while not nice, is not the end of the world once its understood you were suffering from uncontrolled bi polar issues.

HOWEVER lying to your H obviously did cause heaps of problems and its good to see that you appear to be working on those.

I can't talk for any of those who you misled but at least you are facing up to your issues

May God give you strength to continue


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.


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