Trying to avoid Plan B and D just yet - 07/24/06 09:57 AM
For months I've been trying to address with my H the issues that concern me concerning the As he had been in and the things I would like for him to do to win my trust.
I've wanted us to adhere to POJA and taking steps to recover after an A. I had difficulty explaining in full to him what I wanted. And at times I would do it in anger and so on.
So we haven't been carrying it out. Recently a sitch came up where an ex that he wrote an email to around the same time that he was in the 2nd A (earlier this year)trying to be "closer" to her, sent a message to him. I asked him to send an NC letter to her. She has been a problem between us before and I felt it necessary. He told me what to put in it and send it. Also told me he felt I was pressuring him. So I didn't send it.
Today when H approached me for SF I explained to him that I declined b/c of the issues that concerned me. We had a long talk. He was really upset. But finally I felt good that I got it out without anger but just telling him what I felt.
He asked me why do I want to stay married to him. Said I'm always unhappy, bringing up the past. Said he has tried to help me know that he is not the same way that he was and his behavior is different. I told him that there are certain habits that he has and ways of doing things that concern me, for instance leaving the house and telling me he is doing one thing, going for hours, then coming back saying you did something else. (That one really drives me coo-coo).
He replied saying well he doesn't bring up the past. And that he allows me to have our credit cards and he realizes that I'm overspending again and he doesn't say anything about it. I told him I understand that he is trying to move forward. I explained that he felt he couldn't talk to me about our financial situation becuase in the past I would act like a big baby. And I understand that he is trying to move forward.
Then I tried to give him our credit cards but he refused. I told him I want to earn his trust and I want him to earn mine too. I told him that I feel he shouldn't trust me with our CC again until I show him I'm more responsible and this is somethig I've wanted to bring up but was afraid to. I still have problems overspending and I need to be accountable.
But I told him I can't feel safe in our M until we both are working on this. Him working on his issues and me working on my issues. He said he feels like this(my bringing up the past) will go on forever and he doens't see why I want to be M. I'm so unhappy.
I felt finally heard and free from feeling like I'm always holding in what I think. But he left angry and without a word to say. Now I'm just wondering what in the heck I should do next. Maybe I should've just not said anything and worked it out little by little. If you have suggestions on maybe what I did wrong or how I can take my next step please tell. Thanks.
I've wanted us to adhere to POJA and taking steps to recover after an A. I had difficulty explaining in full to him what I wanted. And at times I would do it in anger and so on.
So we haven't been carrying it out. Recently a sitch came up where an ex that he wrote an email to around the same time that he was in the 2nd A (earlier this year)trying to be "closer" to her, sent a message to him. I asked him to send an NC letter to her. She has been a problem between us before and I felt it necessary. He told me what to put in it and send it. Also told me he felt I was pressuring him. So I didn't send it.
Today when H approached me for SF I explained to him that I declined b/c of the issues that concerned me. We had a long talk. He was really upset. But finally I felt good that I got it out without anger but just telling him what I felt.
He asked me why do I want to stay married to him. Said I'm always unhappy, bringing up the past. Said he has tried to help me know that he is not the same way that he was and his behavior is different. I told him that there are certain habits that he has and ways of doing things that concern me, for instance leaving the house and telling me he is doing one thing, going for hours, then coming back saying you did something else. (That one really drives me coo-coo).
He replied saying well he doesn't bring up the past. And that he allows me to have our credit cards and he realizes that I'm overspending again and he doesn't say anything about it. I told him I understand that he is trying to move forward. I explained that he felt he couldn't talk to me about our financial situation becuase in the past I would act like a big baby. And I understand that he is trying to move forward.
Then I tried to give him our credit cards but he refused. I told him I want to earn his trust and I want him to earn mine too. I told him that I feel he shouldn't trust me with our CC again until I show him I'm more responsible and this is somethig I've wanted to bring up but was afraid to. I still have problems overspending and I need to be accountable.
But I told him I can't feel safe in our M until we both are working on this. Him working on his issues and me working on my issues. He said he feels like this(my bringing up the past) will go on forever and he doens't see why I want to be M. I'm so unhappy.
I felt finally heard and free from feeling like I'm always holding in what I think. But he left angry and without a word to say. Now I'm just wondering what in the heck I should do next. Maybe I should've just not said anything and worked it out little by little. If you have suggestions on maybe what I did wrong or how I can take my next step please tell. Thanks.