i screwed up my DH's life.

yes that is extremely dramatic sounding, i know.

but facts are facts and i was too stupid back then to even know how horrible of a thing i was doing by marrying the guy with him not knowing what had occured between me and a fellow student.

and that turned out to be just the beginning.

and here we are. and there is NOTHING i can do today or any other day to fix it.

never in my wildest dreams did i think i could be such a unbelievable huge failure.

and yes i do know that wallowing in the way i am feeling right now just makes me a bigger failure.

i try to distract myself but it just keeps coming back.

i know i will be able to distract myself once at work but how can i keep from having these feelings overwhelm me all evening. we are going out to dinner to celebrate.

i cant even type the word celebrate without losing it.

i really don't want to be a wet noodle and spoil the day. but what can i do to really make these feelings go away?

i'm really looking for people who really know how i am feeling right now and really concrete ways to get past this.

Happy Anniversary, FL.

I dont know how you feel. But I do feel some of your pain.
Today is a very special, difficult occasion for you.
Perhaps you should talk with your husband, and tell him how bad you feel about what you've done.


I know you dont want to "spoil the day". But I think the best thing you could do, to show things are completely different, would be to share your feelings with him, instead of "forcing a mask of happiness" on yourself.

If you talk to him, maybe his words will comfort you. ANd if they dont... I'm sure that hearing your remorse for the past, will be more of a positive gift for him, than any fancy "happy happy" dinner.

Give yourself a few hours first. Give yourself time to grieve. it's ok. maybe that will be enough.
If not.... then give your husband the gift of contrition. It is one of the most meaningful to give, and he will welcome it from you.

oooo you're makin me mad.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i screwed up my DH's life

yeah right..cause your husband is just a poor poor victim to you..
has no free will
or ability to choose...

you keep him chained to the house and have GPS systems attached to him...

couldn't be he's a good man
with free will to choose
and
BRAINS
and Christ-like forgiveness and love inside of him for you...

and maybe he knows that you deserve forgiveness...
as he deserves it
as we all mess up and hurt people
all of us....

capable of
and have done so in one way or another...



and of course if the tables were turned ...
you would never have stayed with him
never have worked through and forgiven
never learned to move past...

you would have left him on D-day and never looked back..
OR
stayed only to punish and reinforce what a cad he once was


shame he's so smart and perhaps has learned that some really really great things come from great struggle....

in fact maybe he screwed up YOUR life

cause you married a loving good man....
hmmmmm
how awful
how terrible...

I think you make these feelings go away by
CELEBRATING HIM!!!!!!!!!!

how blessed you are

and it's not patronizing....it's because like the beatles say...

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.


so tell me finallylearning my friend....
if the tables were turned...
would you say he ruined your life.....?
or CHOOSE a different path....
and find the blessings that came with that path...as well as the pain that is....

Christlike forgiveness and love....
gonna turn away from that huh?

or are you gonna look smashing..smell delicious
and rock his world.....

you know I 'adore' you.
your wisdom
your struggles...
your help to others

this is a post of love even though it may sound harsh...

you know I don't pussyfoot around issues that feel strongly about....

ARK

EXACTLY. And while you are celebrating your hubby will you PLEASE take a moment to celebrate YOU? You, the wonderfully grown, matured, loving YOU that needs to forgive herself.

Love ya, FL. You know that.

Nice post ^^ girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FLT2H,

You have offered so much "food for thought" to me over the past few months. Please pick yourself up, and celebrate the fact that you and your H are still together, still loving, still fighting to keep each other!

I do understand, I have asked my H "how can you still love me?"...and he says, I just do! unconditionally. Yes he is angry, and hurt and will be for time immortal. But the fact that he can forgive me, and love me inspite of this is truly overwhelming...and I will feel horrible and stupid for the rest of my life. But, I will also cherish the fact that he can still love, and I will do what I can to make sure he knows how much I admire his strength & courage.

So let yourself be overwhelmed!...Realize that we are all human, and that he loves you inspite of....

Celebrate your anniversary! Celebrate all you have accomplished together!...the journey makes us that much stronger! Celebrate today because it is a day of "new life" for your marraige, and for what it will become in the years to come!...

Someone once posted here..."Your old marriage is dead!"...(how so very true!)...So concentrate on what and how to make a better marriage NOW!....we will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary this month as well...and I hope that we will celebrate 23 more!



Take care of yourself FLT2H..you are a wonderful, strong, and valuable person!

ark you post really helps and yet totally misses the mark. (that make any sense?)

what would you say if instead of me saying, i totally screwed up his life, i said, i have failed myself?

hi ff, love you too.

2crazy, sorry i have not been keeping up with you. i hope you are doing well.

I'd say ... "Yes, you failed yourself in the past. It's true."

then I'd say

now stop talking/living in the past and take each day as it comes, fresh and new

don't fup today by pretending it is still yesterday

Pep

FL - I'm not Ark, but I know what I would say.

Its too early to have failed yourself, the exam is not yet over. Finish up strong

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. ~ Albert Einstein

FLT2H

WHAT IS THAT IN YOUR NAME???? TIME TO HEAL!!!!!

Heal yourself...yes you made a mess, however you also made it RIGHT!...you are living & learning from your mistakes TODAY!..

we are all who we are TODAY!...because of what has happened in the PAST!...hear that...the PAST....

Chin up!...

FL,

As you know I am a scientist. I often tell young grad students that fear of being wrong will lead to bad or unproductive research. You MUST be willing to be wrong. What you cannot tolerate is STAYING wrong.

You have been given excellent advice.

But, let's face a few things and I think that is what you are doing. Whatever dreams your H had for a marriage they probably did NOT include what you have done, right? Whatever dreams YOU had for marriage, they did not include what you have done, right?

That is what you mean by ruining the marriage right? His dreams have been shredded in someways and so have yours. I think this is something you need to admit to yourself and it sounds as if you are doing that. It is probably something you might want to voice to your H on this very important day.

But, my question is are his dreams to remaind shredded are yours? I see no reason for that to happen. You need to dream again and so does he, and you both need to focus on the dreams for the future and what would make you both happy. You two have children and there are major events coming up in your life and they should be enjoyed, celebrated and SHARED with the ones you love. But, here is the point one of the ONES you love should be you.

Don't you think it is time for quit focussing on the past and start to dream again? Don't you think it is time you sat down and talked with your H about HIS dreams?

You have learned many things and so has your H. Use them, and start to focus on what your REAL dreams are now.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

just beautiful, JL

My W often seems 2 feel like "giving up" because she perceives herself as 2 much "damagaed goods" and that I've just been 2 hurt 2 get past the past hurts.

It's certainly easy 2 wallow in my own victimhood, so I have 2 put that in2 perspective when I try 2 understand what my W's victimhood must feel like - after all, she's the perpetrator, right? Wrong. She's as much the victim of poor multi-year-old choices as I am.

Or not. But only if we both choose 2 longer accept victim roles.

The past is gone. It can never be revived. And who'd want 2 revive all that?

There is only now. The fu2re will someday be now, then the past. But it's the simple (not necessarily easy) choice, made now, 2 not be a victim, that will make the fu2re bright, and enable some of the past 2 become bright as well.

-ol' 2long

FL,

I admit I don’t fully understand what you are feeling, but I do have sympathy.

Mainly, I don’t understand why, after you recognized your actions, corrected your direction and started to make amends, you continue to beat yourself up.

Seems counter productive. Detracts from your progress. Nullifies your amends.

Stop it.

I wish all FWW actions would be more like yours. If only…


On the occasion of your anniversary I will say a prayer for you, your H and your family.

Sit and listen somewhere quite for a little while later today. You will hear it.

thanks everyone. i'm trying hard to really listen to what you are all saying.

i've always been this hard on myself. i've always expected perfection from myself.

JL, at work, at times, if i can't figure out how to do something right and make something perfect, i procrastinate and cause myself so much more stress. and it is unproductive. i know this. but i still have a hard time with it.

i very strongly believe in reviewing all details when i determine something went wrong, in order to learn. and that is a good thing. but when i figure out that what went wrong is my fault, i beat myself up. i don't do that with others. i mean i still want to inform anyone that might have contributed to the problem, but not to beat them up, just so they can learn from it. but i do have a terrible time accepting my own mistakes.

aphelion, thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your words, thank you for the prayer. i promise, right before leaving for dinner i will sit quietly and listen.

jl, i don't know what our dreams are anymore, in fact i don't know if we really ever had any. we don't talk about "our dreams" really.

i know he would love to somehow become a very serious golfer, like on the golf circuit; but i don't think he really sees that as happening.

i know he would love to build furniture and possibly having a store. i think that is a more serious dream. i wish there was a way for me to be more supportive by helping him get into the workshop more, but that does not seem to happen. i've tried to show interest in his design ideas. i LOVE the mirror he made. i've supported the buying of tools. i think the summer made it harder, with the kids home and all. hopefully now that school is back in, that might change.

i know i want to be a teacher someday, once we know the college tuition for both kids are covered.

we have not shared the EN questionairs with each other yet. i suppose you all will yell at me for that. i don't want to hound him. i would like to see his, very much. i must admit, i'm not wanting to force him to see mine. if he wanted to see it, he would be persueing it, know what i mean?

i think the heart of my unhappiness, well besides the fact that i'm obviously not really forgiving myself... is that i don't see us growing closer as a couple. just kinda co-existing. and i know where we are is enough for him. i want to feel at peace. i know i'm not at peace cuz i'm not accepting where we are.

truthfully, i fear acceptance. i fear it will just lead to distance.

i've accepted he does not like kissing me, i forced my self to accept it. problem is, now... i find myself not able to enjoy it when we do. cuz i've accepted it is just not enjoyable to him. he says i have made some incorrect conclusions and i am making a problem out of nothing. and maybe he has a point. i don't know.

ok, i am just rambling now. i've been slowly writing this post all afternoon.

my emotions have been all over the place all day long. i get to feeling better and then i don't. the rollercoaster is moving like crazy today.

i will stop on the way home and get him a nice card.

i will dress up and try my best to be pleasant company tonight.

i will do my best to just relax and enjoy the evening.

truthfully
much of this cycle has become a bad habit of yours

truthfully
you can change this at any time of your choosing

you're scared

I no longer view your fear as a valid excuse

because you have learned what to do

it's now a matter of choice

tuff, ain't I ???

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

love you anyway

PEP <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

if this is true



we could never hang out as friends in real life .... I find perfectionists exhausting ... I like peoples' imperfections ... I find imperfections loveable

Pep

be tough, i don't care.

but what about the example i cited pep?

i truely don't enjoy kissing now. it's very true and real.

you do not think this is an example of my fear being justified?

i see acceptance in this case as giving up and that is not good.

i understand your comment about perfectionists are exhausting. i agree.

ok, maybe my last post to you pep is just me being arguementative and not open to advice.

"i know what to do" remind me pep, exactly what are you referring to here? by "what to do" do you mean meet his ENs everyday?

I never said your fear was not justified

let's assume your fear is justified ... now what?

stay afraid?
never try kissing again?
run away ?????

what are your options is you live by your fear?

I guarantee you will be hurt in the future ... I guarantee I will be hurt in the future .... so what?

Pep

i don't know pep, i have no good answer for you.

but i'm leaving for the day now. and i'm not going to think about this tonight. i'm going out to dinner to celebrate our 20th anniversary.

have more fun than a barrel of monkeys

that's ALL I'm asking

kiss
fondle
tease
laugh
flirt

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep

share

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

FL,

You said something I definitely wanted to address
As you know I build computer codes to solve equations and simulate things. I am sort of like you. It is hard to get started on something especially when I know it is going to complicated and long term. I like to be able to focus on something for 8-10 hours at a time. Unfortunately, my life does not allow me this sort of block time.

But, then I rely on something a football coach YELLED at me one day. "Don't just stand there boy! Do something wrong right once in your life."

He was right. The worst mistake I could make was to do NOTHING. Wrong was better than that, and wrong done with enthusiasm is even better. Right will come but while waiting for it do SOMETHING.

Look at the list of things you don't know about your H these days. Look the list of things you don't include yourself in with regard to his dreams. Look at the fact that you don't kiss him. Girl do something wrong right tonight. Give that boy a sloppy kiss and YOU enjoy the heck out of doing it. When you finish just smile and say thank you so much for that.

I believe it was one of the Beatles that was quoted as saying "Life is what happens while you are busy making plans". Pep can correct me on that one I am sure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The point is make a plan to become a teacher with all of the attendant goals and milestones. Talk with your H about his dreams and see if you two can make plans to work on his dreams. But, when I was talking about dreams I was talking about your dreams for your relationship with your H. I was talking about HIS dreams about his relationship with you.

It appears to me that you both suffer from some poor communications habits. Talk to the man and do it with enthusiasm.

You need to show your kids how to take on life.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL, its not like i am doing nothing! give me a break. I work very hard at meeting his ENs as best as i can. I believe i am being successful, he says he has not forgetten the past and that there are times when he has bad thoughts and it is a struggle but outside of that he is happy.

FYI: I DID share with my husband, even before posting here, how i was feeling. I acknowledge that the upcoming anniversary was making me anxious. I told him i had wished that we might be closer by now. He thinks we are doing good.

JL, regarding dreams. i started out saying i don't know what "our dreams" are anymore or if we ever had any. I will take that back. Our biggest dream of course was having a family. We were blessed with 2 wonderful children and i believe we are doing a good job raising them.

We dreamed of having a vacation lake house and we have been blessed to be able to see that dream come to life too.

I asked him about his dreams over dinner last night. I was right in thinking that when he says he wants to become a golfer that is on the circuit, he is not really serious about persueing that idea.

We talked about furniture making and he told me that he had recently bought some wood and he is planning on starting a new project soon. I did not ask him what his current thoughts are about someday having a store.

As for my teaching. I was and am working toward that goal still. I had to put it off 10 yrs, but that is still my plan. A few months ago i tried to adjust the amount we pay towards our house every month in order to make it such that the house will be paid off for when I turn 50, so I could become a teacher at that time. DH was uncomfortable with that concept but says at the end of the year we should look at the finances and possible make one very large payment to knock down the principle more. There really isn't much more i can do than that. I have info on what it takes to get a teaching certificate (at a specific college) but since i am so many years away, the program might change. I had already taken (and passed) the 2 tests required to get into the program but i suspect i will have to re-take it when i get closer to entering a program. for now the answer is, not now.

So back to what i very well knew you were referring to...

my dreams regarding our relationship. to spend more time together. it really is that simple. i just want to share my life with him and it is not happening.

as for his dreams, JL, don't you see, that is the problem, he is fine with the amount of interaction there is. He shows NO SIGNS of wanting anything more. I don't believe he has any dreams about us.

come on guys, isn't it glarringly obvious to us all by now???

as for the evening last night, it was fine. we had dinner, good food, not much laughter. it was over dinner that we talked about golf and furniture making. i had bought him a card, some chocolate (cuz he loves chocolate with his coffee in the morning) and a bottle of Moet. He realized he did not think to get a card but he had bought me some pretty flowers that were in a vase when i got home. I had it set up to have the champaign waiting for us on the porch to toast with after dinner (with DS's help) but then DH told me about how he had promised DS to go play tennis with him after dinner. So we are waiting for the weekend to enjoy the Moet.

i'm losing hope guys. i really am. I'm not thinking of going anywhere or anything. certainly not now. but i see it on the horizon, once the kids are gone. and it's just such a sad thought. it just makes the fight with depression even worse.

i totally HATE to sound so down but that is my reality.

Its not all bad, not at all. I ADORE my kids and i have lots of fun with them. DH and I sometimes have fun. We certainly don't fight, there is basic peace most of the time. But the part that is missing is important to me, really very important to me.

don't stop here!!!!

there is a much better post to be seen here: Maybe my prayers have finally been answered!!!