i screwed up my DH's life.

yes that is extremely dramatic sounding, i know.

but facts are facts and i was too stupid back then to even know how horrible of a thing i was doing by marrying the guy with him not knowing what had occured between me and a fellow student.

and that turned out to be just the beginning.

and here we are. and there is NOTHING i can do today or any other day to fix it.

never in my wildest dreams did i think i could be such a unbelievable huge failure.

and yes i do know that wallowing in the way i am feeling right now just makes me a bigger failure.

i try to distract myself but it just keeps coming back.

i know i will be able to distract myself once at work but how can i keep from having these feelings overwhelm me all evening. we are going out to dinner to celebrate.

i cant even type the word celebrate without losing it.

i really don't want to be a wet noodle and spoil the day. but what can i do to really make these feelings go away?

i'm really looking for people who really know how i am feeling right now and really concrete ways to get past this.

Happy Anniversary, FL.

I dont know how you feel. But I do feel some of your pain.
Today is a very special, difficult occasion for you.
Perhaps you should talk with your husband, and tell him how bad you feel about what you've done.


I know you dont want to "spoil the day". But I think the best thing you could do, to show things are completely different, would be to share your feelings with him, instead of "forcing a mask of happiness" on yourself.

If you talk to him, maybe his words will comfort you. ANd if they dont... I'm sure that hearing your remorse for the past, will be more of a positive gift for him, than any fancy "happy happy" dinner.

Give yourself a few hours first. Give yourself time to grieve. it's ok. maybe that will be enough.
If not.... then give your husband the gift of contrition. It is one of the most meaningful to give, and he will welcome it from you.

oooo you're makin me mad.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i screwed up my DH's life

yeah right..cause your husband is just a poor poor victim to you..
has no free will
or ability to choose...

you keep him chained to the house and have GPS systems attached to him...

couldn't be he's a good man
with free will to choose
and
BRAINS
and Christ-like forgiveness and love inside of him for you...

and maybe he knows that you deserve forgiveness...
as he deserves it
as we all mess up and hurt people
all of us....

capable of
and have done so in one way or another...



and of course if the tables were turned ...
you would never have stayed with him
never have worked through and forgiven
never learned to move past...

you would have left him on D-day and never looked back..
OR
stayed only to punish and reinforce what a cad he once was


shame he's so smart and perhaps has learned that some really really great things come from great struggle....

in fact maybe he screwed up YOUR life

cause you married a loving good man....
hmmmmm
how awful
how terrible...

I think you make these feelings go away by
CELEBRATING HIM!!!!!!!!!!

how blessed you are

and it's not patronizing....it's because like the beatles say...

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.


so tell me finallylearning my friend....
if the tables were turned...
would you say he ruined your life.....?
or CHOOSE a different path....
and find the blessings that came with that path...as well as the pain that is....

Christlike forgiveness and love....
gonna turn away from that huh?

or are you gonna look smashing..smell delicious
and rock his world.....

you know I 'adore' you.
your wisdom
your struggles...
your help to others

this is a post of love even though it may sound harsh...

you know I don't pussyfoot around issues that feel strongly about....

ARK

EXACTLY. And while you are celebrating your hubby will you PLEASE take a moment to celebrate YOU? You, the wonderfully grown, matured, loving YOU that needs to forgive herself.

Love ya, FL. You know that.

Nice post ^^ girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FLT2H,

You have offered so much "food for thought" to me over the past few months. Please pick yourself up, and celebrate the fact that you and your H are still together, still loving, still fighting to keep each other!

I do understand, I have asked my H "how can you still love me?"...and he says, I just do! unconditionally. Yes he is angry, and hurt and will be for time immortal. But the fact that he can forgive me, and love me inspite of this is truly overwhelming...and I will feel horrible and stupid for the rest of my life. But, I will also cherish the fact that he can still love, and I will do what I can to make sure he knows how much I admire his strength & courage.

So let yourself be overwhelmed!...Realize that we are all human, and that he loves you inspite of....

Celebrate your anniversary! Celebrate all you have accomplished together!...the journey makes us that much stronger! Celebrate today because it is a day of "new life" for your marraige, and for what it will become in the years to come!...

Someone once posted here..."Your old marriage is dead!"...(how so very true!)...So concentrate on what and how to make a better marriage NOW!....we will be celebrating our 23rd anniversary this month as well...and I hope that we will celebrate 23 more!



Take care of yourself FLT2H..you are a wonderful, strong, and valuable person!

ark you post really helps and yet totally misses the mark. (that make any sense?)

what would you say if instead of me saying, i totally screwed up his life, i said, i have failed myself?

hi ff, love you too.

2crazy, sorry i have not been keeping up with you. i hope you are doing well.

I'd say ... "Yes, you failed yourself in the past. It's true."

then I'd say

now stop talking/living in the past and take each day as it comes, fresh and new

don't fup today by pretending it is still yesterday

Pep

FL - I'm not Ark, but I know what I would say.

Its too early to have failed yourself, the exam is not yet over. Finish up strong

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. ~ Albert Einstein

FLT2H

WHAT IS THAT IN YOUR NAME???? TIME TO HEAL!!!!!

Heal yourself...yes you made a mess, however you also made it RIGHT!...you are living & learning from your mistakes TODAY!..

we are all who we are TODAY!...because of what has happened in the PAST!...hear that...the PAST....

Chin up!...

FL,

As you know I am a scientist. I often tell young grad students that fear of being wrong will lead to bad or unproductive research. You MUST be willing to be wrong. What you cannot tolerate is STAYING wrong.

You have been given excellent advice.

But, let's face a few things and I think that is what you are doing. Whatever dreams your H had for a marriage they probably did NOT include what you have done, right? Whatever dreams YOU had for marriage, they did not include what you have done, right?

That is what you mean by ruining the marriage right? His dreams have been shredded in someways and so have yours. I think this is something you need to admit to yourself and it sounds as if you are doing that. It is probably something you might want to voice to your H on this very important day.

But, my question is are his dreams to remaind shredded are yours? I see no reason for that to happen. You need to dream again and so does he, and you both need to focus on the dreams for the future and what would make you both happy. You two have children and there are major events coming up in your life and they should be enjoyed, celebrated and SHARED with the ones you love. But, here is the point one of the ONES you love should be you.

Don't you think it is time for quit focussing on the past and start to dream again? Don't you think it is time you sat down and talked with your H about HIS dreams?

You have learned many things and so has your H. Use them, and start to focus on what your REAL dreams are now.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

just beautiful, JL

My W often seems 2 feel like "giving up" because she perceives herself as 2 much "damagaed goods" and that I've just been 2 hurt 2 get past the past hurts.

It's certainly easy 2 wallow in my own victimhood, so I have 2 put that in2 perspective when I try 2 understand what my W's victimhood must feel like - after all, she's the perpetrator, right? Wrong. She's as much the victim of poor multi-year-old choices as I am.

Or not. But only if we both choose 2 longer accept victim roles.

The past is gone. It can never be revived. And who'd want 2 revive all that?

There is only now. The fu2re will someday be now, then the past. But it's the simple (not necessarily easy) choice, made now, 2 not be a victim, that will make the fu2re bright, and enable some of the past 2 become bright as well.

-ol' 2long

FL,

I admit I don’t fully understand what you are feeling, but I do have sympathy.

Mainly, I don’t understand why, after you recognized your actions, corrected your direction and started to make amends, you continue to beat yourself up.

Seems counter productive. Detracts from your progress. Nullifies your amends.

Stop it.

I wish all FWW actions would be more like yours. If only…


On the occasion of your anniversary I will say a prayer for you, your H and your family.

Sit and listen somewhere quite for a little while later today. You will hear it.

thanks everyone. i'm trying hard to really listen to what you are all saying.

i've always been this hard on myself. i've always expected perfection from myself.

JL, at work, at times, if i can't figure out how to do something right and make something perfect, i procrastinate and cause myself so much more stress. and it is unproductive. i know this. but i still have a hard time with it.

i very strongly believe in reviewing all details when i determine something went wrong, in order to learn. and that is a good thing. but when i figure out that what went wrong is my fault, i beat myself up. i don't do that with others. i mean i still want to inform anyone that might have contributed to the problem, but not to beat them up, just so they can learn from it. but i do have a terrible time accepting my own mistakes.

aphelion, thank you. from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your words, thank you for the prayer. i promise, right before leaving for dinner i will sit quietly and listen.

jl, i don't know what our dreams are anymore, in fact i don't know if we really ever had any. we don't talk about "our dreams" really.

i know he would love to somehow become a very serious golfer, like on the golf circuit; but i don't think he really sees that as happening.

i know he would love to build furniture and possibly having a store. i think that is a more serious dream. i wish there was a way for me to be more supportive by helping him get into the workshop more, but that does not seem to happen. i've tried to show interest in his design ideas. i LOVE the mirror he made. i've supported the buying of tools. i think the summer made it harder, with the kids home and all. hopefully now that school is back in, that might change.

i know i want to be a teacher someday, once we know the college tuition for both kids are covered.

we have not shared the EN questionairs with each other yet. i suppose you all will yell at me for that. i don't want to hound him. i would like to see his, very much. i must admit, i'm not wanting to force him to see mine. if he wanted to see it, he would be persueing it, know what i mean?

i think the heart of my unhappiness, well besides the fact that i'm obviously not really forgiving myself... is that i don't see us growing closer as a couple. just kinda co-existing. and i know where we are is enough for him. i want to feel at peace. i know i'm not at peace cuz i'm not accepting where we are.

truthfully, i fear acceptance. i fear it will just lead to distance.

i've accepted he does not like kissing me, i forced my self to accept it. problem is, now... i find myself not able to enjoy it when we do. cuz i've accepted it is just not enjoyable to him. he says i have made some incorrect conclusions and i am making a problem out of nothing. and maybe he has a point. i don't know.

ok, i am just rambling now. i've been slowly writing this post all afternoon.

my emotions have been all over the place all day long. i get to feeling better and then i don't. the rollercoaster is moving like crazy today.

i will stop on the way home and get him a nice card.

i will dress up and try my best to be pleasant company tonight.

i will do my best to just relax and enjoy the evening.

truthfully
much of this cycle has become a bad habit of yours

truthfully
you can change this at any time of your choosing

you're scared

I no longer view your fear as a valid excuse

because you have learned what to do

it's now a matter of choice

tuff, ain't I ???

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

love you anyway

PEP <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

if this is true



we could never hang out as friends in real life .... I find perfectionists exhausting ... I like peoples' imperfections ... I find imperfections loveable

Pep

be tough, i don't care.

but what about the example i cited pep?

i truely don't enjoy kissing now. it's very true and real.

you do not think this is an example of my fear being justified?

i see acceptance in this case as giving up and that is not good.

i understand your comment about perfectionists are exhausting. i agree.

ok, maybe my last post to you pep is just me being arguementative and not open to advice.

"i know what to do" remind me pep, exactly what are you referring to here? by "what to do" do you mean meet his ENs everyday?