Hey everyone -

I'm DIVORCED today. MB has been very good for me. I used to blame my WH and OW. But lately I'm seeing all of the things that I did wrong, and it is a long list.

When we first got married, I was so EXCITED to be his wife and felt blessed to have a blended family - 8 kids between us. I threw myself into being a wife, homemaker and mom. I felt good about doing everything for everyone.

On the other hand, my husband felt relieved to have someone to help him, and over the years he just relaxed, and let me do everything.

I lied to him a lot. I didn't ask for his help. I didn't tell him that our sexlife was unsatisfactory. I never told him no. We went to family counseling about 10 years ago, for the problems with his daughter. The counselor suggested that my husband get more involved in caring for the children. I waited for him to take some action, and he never did. He was happy the way things were going. I didn't confront him, just hoped that things would improve.

Meanwhile the marriage went on, and I was content, or so I thought. Enter the OW. My WH was walking the dog one day, and she was on the porch, crying because her husband was in Iraq. My husband comforted her, and the affair began.

I did all the wrong things, angry outbursts, DJ's, including throwing him out. I failed to protect myself financially. He continued on, being the center of the world for two women.

The affair lasted 3 and a half years. Now it is over. My husband wanted to come back to the marriage, but I was done. For me, too much damage was done. But most of the damage was my fault. I lost myself, and gave him too much power, requiring very little from him.

I hope that others here will realize that affairs almost always end. You will be miserable and hurt. But don't let your spouse define you. If you do, in the end, like the Harley's say, you will be the biggest danger to recovering your marriage.

B, NONE of it is your fault.

The end of an era for you, B. You are a very special person and I predict nothing but happiness for you. You know you've already found it but now you're free to really move on.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{B}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

No, it isn't. You are looking back over your actions, second guessing yourself. Knowing what you know now, you might have taken different actions than what you took, and changed the course of the relationship. Even allowing for that, your ex could have met the OW and gotten involved with her.

Had you not thrown him out, he could have continued his affair, demeaning you and humiliating you all the while. You could have been reduced to snooping through his pockets, spying on him to get proof he was cheating and seeing her. That would not have restored your marriage.

Just wanted to put out one alternative path you could have taken, the one I took, which did not repair anything either.

Also, even if you followed the Harley plans 100% from the first sniff of infidelity, there is no guarantee that you would have held your marriage together. There's a better chance you could have made a difference, but not a 100% chance. Even those posters at MB who did all the right things - some of them ended up D'd.

All the other factors - including the wild card of the cheating spouse and their personalities, their family of origins, where you are living (the country or state) all contribute their effects.

All you can do is recognize that you did your best you knew how to do at the time. That you weren't a puppet master or a god or a writer of fiction who can make their subjects do their will.

I agree. Not your fault.

Unfortunately, after a few years, I think most allow their marriages to define them. No one schooled us in being married. A degree wasn't required in order to be in one. So how should one know what not to do. Its a learn as you go proposition.

Its also unfortunate that most never seek out "How To" until the horse is out of the barn.

B, I have tons of respect and admiration for you and how you have handled things. You took a very bad situation and made opportunites. You have much to be proud of.

Here's to a brighter, happier and more fulfilling future.

Jo

Believer, do not take credit for his affair. I am like you recently divorced from a cheating spouse. You are not the blame for his choices. We are all human and make mistakes in our marriages.So step back and look at the bigger picture, sure you did things wrong but do not take responsibilty for his choices.

Good things will happen for you I am sure.

Kiwi - You know I love you. But I do think it was my fault. A marriage takes work from BOTH people. I had a lot of needs that I was not truthful about. My husband didn't have the feedback that I should have given him.

Bellevue - I'm thankful for the way MB changed ME. I'm very happy now, and sadly WH is not. But I think our marriage was doomed BEFORE the affair. I did my best, but it was not enough.

Jo - Yep, when I got married, I thought I had married for life. Thought we could work things out, no matter what.

Hopeful - Good to hear from you again. How are things going? I don't take the blame for his affair, but do take most of the blame for the things that led to it.

Believer... I would encourage you not to shoulder so much blame for the divorce. As has been stated here many times, the person least invested in the marriage, has the most power.

I see this as more of a cause and effect dynamic, which you reacted to out of love, rather than openly "just" making mistakes. When your eXH did NOT spend quality time with the kids, that meant YOU picked up the slack. The same holds true for AO's, Disrespectful Judgements, etc. Things your eXH did could have easily been the "cause" that resulted in your LB's.

However, with that said, marriage is pretty much a blind LEAP OF FAITH anyway, with neither partner knowing how things will work out. How many people undertand about Love Banks, Love Busters and all the other dynamics about marriage UNLESS something traumatic like an affair takes place and we are "forced" to learn things we never gave any thought to before, let alone knew existed.

However, after reading your posts for such a long time, I know exactly what you mean, and, I also know how much you have grown and learned in this ugly process. Yes, lots of things happened in your marriage that left the marriage vulnerable, and you rightfully are owning up and correcting those things, but the D is NOT your fault, and neither was the A.

But you knew that already <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Best of luck in the "rest of your life" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SD

Well Believer,

I guess I'm both happy and sad for you. Happy for your being able to rise above all of this and move on to BE happy, sad for the loss of another marriage.

I feel as you do about the precipitation of things prior to my H's A. I was just as you are, doing everything, allowing everything, not asking for my needs to be met, then becoming resentful for them not being met.

I do agree with others here, however, that the D is not your fault. Your H chose to ask to come back AFTER you had been so damaged that you couldn't bear to try. That is HIS fault. You said it, it takes BOTH of you to create a happy R, he chose not to. Good luck to you in the new year, and have a wonderful holiday season! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{{{[believer}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

((((((((((((((((((((((((B))))))))))))))))))))))

Believer,

Maybe it is your fault and maybe it isn't.

I certainly identify with silent continual sacrifice not working out like I thought it should.

You are still one of the people I hope to meet in heaven.

Thanks all. I'm very happy now, so please don't feel bad for me.

I'm just looking back, and seeing what I did wrong. Long before the affair, I didn't tell my husband the truth. I just hoped that everything would work out - kind of like fantasy thinking.

Our sex life was frequent - like everyday. My husband was what some would call a one-minute man. From foreplay to climax, one minute. This went on for 10 years, and I never gave him feedback. Kind of just joked about it.

There were lots of other ways that I didn't protect our marriage. When he left, I didn't stop him from financially devastating us, and I could have. I just continued sitting there, like a dummy. I didn't let him face the consequences of the affair. I thought I was being a good wife.

Believer,

I have learned a great deal from you and I want to thank you for that.

I'm glad you don't feel down.

Just wanted you to know that you have made a difference in someone's life.

M2L

maybe - The trick is to get through all of this WITHOUT giving up yourself. The price is too high.

Believer,

Very few people and less M's can stand the light of a retrospectascope. Like all mature adults, it is important to acknowledge and accept the decisions that you made. We are completely responsible for what happens to our lives.

Accepting that blame is fruitful, wallowing in that self condemnation helps no one.

Tomorrow is another day!

You are now wiser for all that you have experienced. You WILL be happy one day. Its inevitable..........Your knowledge and compassion that you possess (sp?) have made you even have the ability to look and ACCEPT your part.

Be strong and faithful.

dont take more than what you have done. Live free, live well

I like this ^. I think it's great to acknowledge ones failures, but I'm not sure it's a contest to see who was 'mostly' at fault. There's no way to determine the key factors to the failure. I cant imagine the majority rests on your shoulders.

I remember when the light bulb went off for me and I realized how much I had contributed to the fall of my 1st marriage. I even almost had the urge to call exH with my revelations. I so glad I resisted.

You both ignored the responsibilities incurred with marriage. You both suffered, but you've grown. Your exH is going to sleep-walk right into his next relationship.

Please dont beat yourself up about this. Please take care - Dru

amen

and fo'shizzle don't let your wayward spouses ACTIONS define you either

believer, you cannot judge your past on what you did not know at the time ... now that you know these things, you will make different (better) choices

take care

Pep

B - as one door closes, another opens. Wishing you much happiness in your new chapter. TT

b, when I think of integrity and class you are second to none here at MB. That is why it doesn't suprise me that you could be so honest with yourself in dealing with the issues that may have contibuted to the demise of your M.

You are the LIGHTHOUSE.

HTW

Dear, dear Believer. I understand what you are trying to say, and I agree with that.

If only you had complained more, shared more. (If you had, you would probably have been divorced even sooner. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

But seriously, this is an excellent cautionary tale for those of us, myself included, who have, or had tendencies to just grit our teeth and keep on going when we should have spoken up.

And, having said that, IT IS ALL HIS FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know exactly how you feel as for not being satified that you did your best....but now, right about 5 months past my D that I still remember telling the judge..."I'm only here cause it's what she wants".

I've beat myself....over and over and just this week EXWW phoned and told me nothing in her life is the same....

We and even I struggle with guessing the right things....it's like building a puzzle without all the pieces....

Also..."live like today is your last....and learn like you will live forever."

Believer,
Harley talks about the Giver and Taker. You were all Giver. I remember Joyce on the radio piping up once and saying that the Taker is good because it protects the person.

Another thing: I read in "The Gift of Fear" that people who are abusive marry women who don't say no. You never said no. You gave, gave, gave...

It's not your fault that he took, took, took.... It's only your fault that you took it.

I appreciate your sharing your experiences with others. Sometimes we BSs are at fault for being tolerant of intolerable behavior -- we stick it out hoping that our spouse will see how much we are willing to endure and will see that wilingness to suffer as a sign of our care and love. They don't see it that way.

What I have learned, and you said something similar, is that - if you give up your dignity to save your marriage, you'll lose both your dignity and your marriage.

Respectful

Believer - you can only change the things you acknowledge - you changed those things 3 years ago. You're rehashing old ground. The truth of the matter is that you changed and was willing to renew your marriage, in SPITE of his cheating ways. But it doesn't get more in your face destruction of marriage vows than what your X did.

Own your flaws all you want. It's still your X who threw away the marriage.

Thanks everyone. I'm surprised that the D being final brought out so many feelings. I WANTED the D. WH lost my respect, and that is worse than losing love.

believer:

blame/fault isn't the right term.

Responsibility is.

You have looked back at your own choices and accepted responsibility for the things you now perceive has having been "wrong", and that's good. Only "wrong" isn't the right term, either, really.

Look at you now. I truly believe that accepting the responsibility for the choices you've made has made you wise. And truly loving. And that has made you happy.

And what a fine reward for your journey!

best,
-ol' 2long

Hindsight...we'd all hope we'd do things lots differently given what we have learned. We hope we don't repeat the same choices. We hope we've learned from our own mistakes, but we don't need to own those of others. Maybe he's learned something along the way too...the hard way.

Thank God for MB.

I am glad things are really going well for you in your life....in spite of your having to go through the DV.

B I am sorry that the M ended as it did, but I know you wanted it to end and maybe needed it to end after all the pain.

Even though you look back and see what actions you could have taken, please realise it was NOT mostly your fault at all.
I look back at my actions and the circumstances and a lot is my fault but not all.

We who are here at MB are all responsible for allowing our marriages to get to where they did that allowed an affair to enter it, but only those of us who CHOSE - remember that word CHOSE - to have an affair can accept responsibility for that action.

There are many reasons why affairs happen, there are NO excuses B. Please dont accept responsibility for your XH's actions. They are his to accept so let him.

lots of love

AW

I too cannot remain married to any man I do not respect.
I did realize that within a few weeks after D-day ... and that was what motivated me to do some of the tough things I did early on

boundary >>> AA or leave
boundary >>> apologize to OW's H face-to-face

both of those actions required my H to "man up" ... and that made me restore seeds of RESPECT for him after D-Day

love without respect is a time bomb, according to Dr James Dobson

and his book "Love Must Be Tough" was the first book I read after D-Day

the second book I read was Dr Laura's "How Could You Do That?"

... so I was getting boundary-setting examples right from the get-go

I did not happen upon MB until we were already in recovery

our D-Day is right after Christmas ... this will be 11 years for us

Pep

Believer,
I'm happy and sad for you all at the same time.

But, the final choice for what you WH did was all his. Nothing you ever did/said or didn't do/say justifies his choice to cheat.

This is my second marriage ending too after I thought this was the one and we would "live happily ever after". Like you, I kept my mouth shut and did everything. But, it's not to be.

Anyway, I want to thank you for all the posts and great advice you've given to so many people in the almost one year I've been here.

You can't blame yourself for what you didn't know.

God Bless you and have a very Merry Christmas.

{{{B}}} big hugs from one of your biggest fans

Believer, I haven't been around MB for awhile. But in your first post on this thread you say you didn't do the right things. We all do what we know, until shown differently. Sometimes you learn in time, and sometimes it is too late, as it seems for your ex-H.

It's fine to take a look back and evaluate and accept what you wish had been different, but, I don't see that you need to take the blame all on yourself.

B...

I know exactly what you mean.

Believer,

Look at all of the oldies you have gotten out. Lor, how are you?

Believer, I sure hope you have gotten the message. You did what you felt was right for the family, the marriage, and yourself. You may know a bit more about things now, but you cannot fault doing things with a "good heart" and love.

God Bless,

JL

Sorry B-- i don't come as often as before, so I just caught this.

You know, you and I have on a number of occasions talked about how we gave and gave and did that because we thought that was what Christian wives did. There's not much teaching elsewhere. The books I read--like CREATIVE COUNTERPART and POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE seem to lean in the hush hush directions as well. I think you, like me, truly thought we were doing what was right and good and expected.

But I also think there will be those never satisfied--your XH and my XH should have been thrilled to have wives who desired to please, etc. But they were never satisified and I think--never had real respect for us. That's why they think they can seemingly walk back in whenever--because we're comfortable for them.

I know you're happy now. I know you've lesrned the hard way. But as for the divorce, you;'re not responsible. You are forever affected by it, but the choice was all his.

One more thing--in the way you were as a wife--you according to most ways affairs start--you were the one most prone for an affair--as you were the one without En's being met. BUT you didn't have one.,...says A LOT for your character.

Love ya, B.
Intexas

Believer,

I am sorry for what you are going through... but happy for the place that you are in. I know exactly what you are dealing with.... when my W Ex-W and my more recent fiance ended things, I took a lot of it on myself. It was my failure. But time and perspective away from those things has allowed me a different perspective and even though I know it is a relationship of "two".... one can only bring so much to the table. I would do certain things differently... but I loved with all my heart and would have been happy to learn new skills if needed... I did not, and you did not step out ont he marriage. If it fails, it is always both parties that have not done their best... but your intentions were good, and in the end, since none of us is perfect... that is what counts.
((((B))))

MEDC

MEDC - Threadjack - Can you check out LilSis' post? She is married to a cop and ended up in jail after confronting the infidels.

will do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

B.

Much respect to you and think you did nothing wrong. You did all you could do for your, for your family, for the M. And you tried and did all you could do when faced with a cakeating monster WH. That's what they are when locked in the a...cakeating monsters. And you slew the monster.

It took time, dignity, and patience to rebuild your life. You did it. You are a champion. And it's not easy and ceratinly not fun going it alone. Trust me...I know it. And I remember when I signed the papers to file for D...I cried like a baby..but I knew I did all I could do...Darth was too far gone. And yes, he has lost my respect. Funny how when a man loses a woman's respect how we could suddenly see him in a new light...he's not handsome to me anymore...he's a sad, prematurely grey bearded man now. That's all.


Your X figured out you were the prize all along. But it was far too late. He let the M die. that was HIS fault. HE allowed the A to happen in the first place and did horrid things that made your love and respect for him die. He did that alone. And you should know that your conscience will be fine...you did all you could when you found out. Nobody is at fault for having a good marriage or a seemingly happy one. Nobody's at fault inless one party speak out...says they are unhappy and the other partner does nothing about it. My xh? Heck...he never said anything...just went off and had A's with a few other women and talked to THEM RATHER THAN ME...I remember sadly towards the end hearing a minister at our old church saying "this could be helped easily...he just doesn't want to..it would make him have to say his actions aren't in line with God or with our church and he isn't willing to say he's wrong now Peach."

I will keep you close in prayer my sister. It's hard. To let go all at once, the end...it is still hard even if you know it's coming. But good thing is its closure. You can shut the back cover of the book now hon. No more wasting any time post mortem of the M. He killed it...the end.

You have a bright beautiful future ahead of you. I always smile when I think of you and the harley story...harleys are a huge trigger for me btw...his first ow, monkeyho, rode one...and to think that you did what you did? WEll that's just plain classy. Nothing else..classy!

In time all will heal over...we won't forget..but we will heal. And yes, it still takes time. You might wince a little now and then but please take heart knowing you did all you could do.

You're one helluva woman B. May God continue to bless you in all you do. Happy holidays to you and your family. And for your x? Coal in his stocking! He's got to pay the price now for doing what he did...

Peachy - How are you doing? I'm really doing fine, and happier than ever. Of course, I miss family life, but my ex's son is still in my life, and one daughter is coming around.

Ex has been calling me so constantly that stopped answering the phone. This is going to be a permanent Plan B for me.

But I left out the really good stuff. The OW's ex-husband. He was the one I felt the worst about through all of this. If you remember, he was fighting in Iraq when the affair started.

Anyway, for the last couple years, I have been looking for someone for him. In July, my son's GF's mom moved here from South Carolina. I fixed her up with OW's ex. Now you KNOW that I was looking for a drop dead knockout, and she is. They have been dating since July. She is a winner, inside and out - beautiful, dresses nice, cooks like you wouldn't believe, and lots of fun. She is also younger than the OW,(you knew I would try my best to find a GREAT one, right?)

I'm so happy that the OW's ex is happy, and it doesn't hurt a bit that the OW is furious.

B,

You are a bad, bad, lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Fixed OW's ex up with a keeper, I just love it!
Now your job is to get YOUR life to where you want it as well.

I think it goes something like this
You have a good start on it, B.

God Bless,

JL