Hey everyone -

I'm DIVORCED today. MB has been very good for me. I used to blame my WH and OW. But lately I'm seeing all of the things that I did wrong, and it is a long list.

When we first got married, I was so EXCITED to be his wife and felt blessed to have a blended family - 8 kids between us. I threw myself into being a wife, homemaker and mom. I felt good about doing everything for everyone.

On the other hand, my husband felt relieved to have someone to help him, and over the years he just relaxed, and let me do everything.

I lied to him a lot. I didn't ask for his help. I didn't tell him that our sexlife was unsatisfactory. I never told him no. We went to family counseling about 10 years ago, for the problems with his daughter. The counselor suggested that my husband get more involved in caring for the children. I waited for him to take some action, and he never did. He was happy the way things were going. I didn't confront him, just hoped that things would improve.

Meanwhile the marriage went on, and I was content, or so I thought. Enter the OW. My WH was walking the dog one day, and she was on the porch, crying because her husband was in Iraq. My husband comforted her, and the affair began.

I did all the wrong things, angry outbursts, DJ's, including throwing him out. I failed to protect myself financially. He continued on, being the center of the world for two women.

The affair lasted 3 and a half years. Now it is over. My husband wanted to come back to the marriage, but I was done. For me, too much damage was done. But most of the damage was my fault. I lost myself, and gave him too much power, requiring very little from him.

I hope that others here will realize that affairs almost always end. You will be miserable and hurt. But don't let your spouse define you. If you do, in the end, like the Harley's say, you will be the biggest danger to recovering your marriage.

B, NONE of it is your fault.

The end of an era for you, B. You are a very special person and I predict nothing but happiness for you. You know you've already found it but now you're free to really move on.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{B}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

No, it isn't. You are looking back over your actions, second guessing yourself. Knowing what you know now, you might have taken different actions than what you took, and changed the course of the relationship. Even allowing for that, your ex could have met the OW and gotten involved with her.

Had you not thrown him out, he could have continued his affair, demeaning you and humiliating you all the while. You could have been reduced to snooping through his pockets, spying on him to get proof he was cheating and seeing her. That would not have restored your marriage.

Just wanted to put out one alternative path you could have taken, the one I took, which did not repair anything either.

Also, even if you followed the Harley plans 100% from the first sniff of infidelity, there is no guarantee that you would have held your marriage together. There's a better chance you could have made a difference, but not a 100% chance. Even those posters at MB who did all the right things - some of them ended up D'd.

All the other factors - including the wild card of the cheating spouse and their personalities, their family of origins, where you are living (the country or state) all contribute their effects.

All you can do is recognize that you did your best you knew how to do at the time. That you weren't a puppet master or a god or a writer of fiction who can make their subjects do their will.

I agree. Not your fault.

Unfortunately, after a few years, I think most allow their marriages to define them. No one schooled us in being married. A degree wasn't required in order to be in one. So how should one know what not to do. Its a learn as you go proposition.

Its also unfortunate that most never seek out "How To" until the horse is out of the barn.

B, I have tons of respect and admiration for you and how you have handled things. You took a very bad situation and made opportunites. You have much to be proud of.

Here's to a brighter, happier and more fulfilling future.

Jo

Believer, do not take credit for his affair. I am like you recently divorced from a cheating spouse. You are not the blame for his choices. We are all human and make mistakes in our marriages.So step back and look at the bigger picture, sure you did things wrong but do not take responsibilty for his choices.

Good things will happen for you I am sure.

Kiwi - You know I love you. But I do think it was my fault. A marriage takes work from BOTH people. I had a lot of needs that I was not truthful about. My husband didn't have the feedback that I should have given him.

Bellevue - I'm thankful for the way MB changed ME. I'm very happy now, and sadly WH is not. But I think our marriage was doomed BEFORE the affair. I did my best, but it was not enough.

Jo - Yep, when I got married, I thought I had married for life. Thought we could work things out, no matter what.

Hopeful - Good to hear from you again. How are things going? I don't take the blame for his affair, but do take most of the blame for the things that led to it.

Believer... I would encourage you not to shoulder so much blame for the divorce. As has been stated here many times, the person least invested in the marriage, has the most power.

I see this as more of a cause and effect dynamic, which you reacted to out of love, rather than openly "just" making mistakes. When your eXH did NOT spend quality time with the kids, that meant YOU picked up the slack. The same holds true for AO's, Disrespectful Judgements, etc. Things your eXH did could have easily been the "cause" that resulted in your LB's.

However, with that said, marriage is pretty much a blind LEAP OF FAITH anyway, with neither partner knowing how things will work out. How many people undertand about Love Banks, Love Busters and all the other dynamics about marriage UNLESS something traumatic like an affair takes place and we are "forced" to learn things we never gave any thought to before, let alone knew existed.

However, after reading your posts for such a long time, I know exactly what you mean, and, I also know how much you have grown and learned in this ugly process. Yes, lots of things happened in your marriage that left the marriage vulnerable, and you rightfully are owning up and correcting those things, but the D is NOT your fault, and neither was the A.

But you knew that already <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Best of luck in the "rest of your life" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SD

Well Believer,

I guess I'm both happy and sad for you. Happy for your being able to rise above all of this and move on to BE happy, sad for the loss of another marriage.

I feel as you do about the precipitation of things prior to my H's A. I was just as you are, doing everything, allowing everything, not asking for my needs to be met, then becoming resentful for them not being met.

I do agree with others here, however, that the D is not your fault. Your H chose to ask to come back AFTER you had been so damaged that you couldn't bear to try. That is HIS fault. You said it, it takes BOTH of you to create a happy R, he chose not to. Good luck to you in the new year, and have a wonderful holiday season! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{{{[believer}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Believer,

Maybe it is your fault and maybe it isn't.

I certainly identify with silent continual sacrifice not working out like I thought it should.

You are still one of the people I hope to meet in heaven.

Thanks all. I'm very happy now, so please don't feel bad for me.

I'm just looking back, and seeing what I did wrong. Long before the affair, I didn't tell my husband the truth. I just hoped that everything would work out - kind of like fantasy thinking.

Our sex life was frequent - like everyday. My husband was what some would call a one-minute man. From foreplay to climax, one minute. This went on for 10 years, and I never gave him feedback. Kind of just joked about it.

There were lots of other ways that I didn't protect our marriage. When he left, I didn't stop him from financially devastating us, and I could have. I just continued sitting there, like a dummy. I didn't let him face the consequences of the affair. I thought I was being a good wife.

Believer,

I have learned a great deal from you and I want to thank you for that.

I'm glad you don't feel down.

Just wanted you to know that you have made a difference in someone's life.

M2L

maybe - The trick is to get through all of this WITHOUT giving up yourself. The price is too high.

Believer,

Very few people and less M's can stand the light of a retrospectascope. Like all mature adults, it is important to acknowledge and accept the decisions that you made. We are completely responsible for what happens to our lives.

Accepting that blame is fruitful, wallowing in that self condemnation helps no one.

Tomorrow is another day!

You are now wiser for all that you have experienced. You WILL be happy one day. Its inevitable..........Your knowledge and compassion that you possess (sp?) have made you even have the ability to look and ACCEPT your part.

Be strong and faithful.

dont take more than what you have done. Live free, live well

I like this ^. I think it's great to acknowledge ones failures, but I'm not sure it's a contest to see who was 'mostly' at fault. There's no way to determine the key factors to the failure. I cant imagine the majority rests on your shoulders.

I remember when the light bulb went off for me and I realized how much I had contributed to the fall of my 1st marriage. I even almost had the urge to call exH with my revelations. I so glad I resisted.

You both ignored the responsibilities incurred with marriage. You both suffered, but you've grown. Your exH is going to sleep-walk right into his next relationship.

Please dont beat yourself up about this. Please take care - Dru

amen

and fo'shizzle don't let your wayward spouses ACTIONS define you either

believer, you cannot judge your past on what you did not know at the time ... now that you know these things, you will make different (better) choices

take care

Pep

B - as one door closes, another opens. Wishing you much happiness in your new chapter. TT