I found out about my WH's second affair 3 wks ago when OW's hubby called to tell me. We've been married 20 yrs. WH confessed right away after that- he said I never got over his first affair and he's right I never did work thru it emotionally. I hired an attorney the day after I found out and filed for D right away as I figured out marriage was over! Especially since WH didn't seem very remorseful when he confessed.I had WH served with D papers about 10 days ago- in them was an order for him to vacate our marital home. He didn't want to but I insisted so he's been sleeping elsewhere for a wk now. However- he calls me every day to chat politely and comes to see the kids and help out around the house almost every night. I think its likely that his affair is over but I"m not sure.Why would he be coming over every day after work and hanging around if he's still in his affair?My attorney advised me not to limit his visiting the kids. I am so confused! I"m beginning to worry I've rushed too fast into divorce.We've also been trying to sell our house for 6 mo now as we need something less expensive because my WH was laid off a few months ago and he's now starting his own small biz. I told WH we had a serious buyer coming over today and he showed up at 6AM this morning and made coffee then cleaned the entire house and then took us out to lunch and to a movie! If he's so hellbent to live the single life or hang out with OW then why isn't he doing it?

Life - Well, (and I will probably get beat up by this), I think it might be a man thing. He probably didn't realize that you were really serious until you filed.

My divorce was final this week and WH has been calling me so much that I unplugged the phone. The A was going on for 3 and a half years, and in all that time, I only talked to him for less than 2 hours. Since the D was final, he has called incessantly.

LIM,
It looks like he is starting to realise waht he will lose. I know what you are going thru. My WH of 22 years is in his seconf affair in 5 years (that I know of). I replied to you on you ither thread.
I also filed for D, I waited until he was out of the house about a month. I think I realised at that point it was beyond repair. He was telling me he was in love with his MOW. Everyone told me to file because he ws having his cake and eating it too. Although he had no intention of coming back. He rarely came to the house only to finish siding he started 3 years ago (long story). or see the kids. I think he checked out of our marraige long ago. I'm also thinking this is his exit affair.
I'm also having second thoughts about filing. My only problem is he counterfiled and sued for alimony, CS and attorney fees. So the only way it could be stopped is both of us would need to want it stopped. And this is what he wanted.
You can always put it on hold or stop the process if you think you acted to hastily.
SH01

LIM, if you made the decision to divorce him, then what difference does it make what he does? Did you just file for D to coerce him into ending his affair? Or did you do it because you are done with the marriage?

Thanks so much for your terrific insights! At this point I realize full well that WH is getting the better end of this situation. When I first filed two wks ago I felt sure that I should- I was all biz like about it. But now that I am interacting with WH on a daily basis more than even before D-day its so emotionally confusing to me. We've been married 20 yrs and actually agree most of the time on the ways we parent our 3 kids and they are a handful right now- we have two teenaged hormonal daughters and a high maintenance 9 yr old son.We have no relatives to help so all the parenting and home stuff is done by the two of us. WH told me he was quite surprised I filed for D so soon. I felt I should hurry up since we have tons of financial stuff going on in our marriage right now that I didn't want to worry about being jeopardized. But on an emotional level I'm having some second thoughts.I feel like my life is in a freefall right now.

Sit him down and tell him he needs to provide you with a plan that will convince YOU he is worth having back. He lost his status as valuable family member and it is up to HIM to regain YOUR trust.

Small stuff is nice but you can't make life changing plans on a guy who is wishy washy about loyalty to his family. I mean would you want him making life/death decisions if you were in the hospital? That's what I told my H.

In fact, before I got the D paperwork, I rerouted my insurance polices for some to go to H but some to go to a neutral 3rd party for our son's care. At the time, the WS wasn't phased but in time, he saw what he lost. The paperwork still reads that way even though we are in recovery. When I am ready, it may change but on my terms and timeframe. Either way, my son will be cared for.

L.

he said I never got over his first affair and he's right I never did work thru it emotionally

Your husband had a second affair...

jeopardizing the well being of his children...and his reason is that

you never got over his first affair...


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

you wanna chew on that a while....

then you might wanna either pull some really out there 180's that leave him reeling...

like he comes over and you head out looking SMASHING!!!! with NO info as to where you are going but thanks for BABYSITTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!dear...

you set up a big bouquet of flowers with some card that reads
It was really nice TALKING with you!!!

etc
OR you hit him with plan b...

your man plays roulette with his three children...
and his reason

you never got over his first affair...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

ARK^^

Thank you (((((ark))))
XOXOXXO

I am so ill about hearing that my not making a 'quick' enough emotional recovery on the discovery of his first affair caused current A.

There is nothing wrong w/you. He's got a weakness that he needs to grow from. It's a great time for you to build your heart and set boundaries too.

I agree with all. He does need a plan. You are well worth that and more. You 'new' marriage will be the basis of the dedication in following through with a strong protective plan. Until then....Change nothing!!!
Continue w/D. Financial protection is important now.

Enjoy being the taker for a while. Using him as a house cleaner/babysitter would be a dream for me! Enbibe a little for those of us w/o.
And protect your heart. Look for permenant lasting changes and enjoy the help.

GL!

Sorry for crashing the thread (WH myself). I'm confused in similar situation as far as out of the house but re-visiting.

When I left (very difficult, but obviously helped her) I wasn't going to be in her hair. But, kittens break legs, lights need hanging, trees need putting up etc. I realized I'd been there every day, only sleeping elswhere. That (and her wanting me not to participate in family activities.... since we're not a family, etc.) prompted me to re-establish the original boundary, and so I was gone all last week. But that brought an accusation of abandoning the kids (not living where I can take them on weekend, not calling etc.). So when I think I'm honoring a boundary, I'm too distant, and when I am trying to be helpful, I'm too present.

If I just need to accept that it's confusing and I'm not going to figure it out, I'm okay with that. But, I'm curious if you have insight if there really is an over-riding factor I'm missing. What's the real desire over having the seperation? Besides I make her sick to look at me, how to honor her wishes... all of them...?

I desire reconciliation. My talk-affair stopped over 1.5 years ago but telling her only 6 weeks old. (14+ yrs married, 5 kids)

Also, you mentioned financial concerns. Curious what that really means. I'm in a job that will go away by Mar 08. That may seem a long way out, but right now it's a hard deadline. Previous attempts (before the present crisis) to talk about it and pursue other work seemed to leave her more unsecure about a job search than about sitting in a job at risk (she may not believe it's at risk, possibly believes I have ulterior motives for seeking other work?). That discussion was dropped and I settled in to my present work. All of this hasn't been discussed under present circumstances, but would seem relevant. I've avoided it because I don't think it's wise to come across like there's this financial threat that should make her want to reconcile (not that it would). I'm seeking financial advice to paint a black-&-white picture to discuss all this objectively by early next month. Just wondering what to expect as far as how she'll see all that. It was confusing to me before the crises.... I can't imagine it will be simpler now.

tx

this...



is plain and simple

horse manure

spit it out and do not give it another thought

try to apply that logic to any of YOUR poor choices >>>

"Officer, I was driving drunk because my wife did not get over my LAST DUI"

"Mom, I am flunking 3 classes because you gave me consequences for failing 2 classes last year."

"Boss, I was late for work 1 hour today because you gave me such a hard time for being 30 minutes late last week."

*gag*

Pep