Need emergency help...Big blowout after 6 months recovery - 01/25/07 03:21 PM
Hi everybody:
My story is under this thread...Just a quick summary:
WH had an affair from Jan 06 to July 06. Confessed July 06. Moved out for 2 days and back home. Never was remorseful, but he had been doing a lot of nice things. We felt closer and closer, making plans for the future and taking vacations together. Life was getting normal again. But we never talked about A, couldn't becasue he would be angry and wouldn't participate. Told me he didn't want to stay when we were fighting.
I had been in plan A. He promised NC and was very good at it. We changed all cell phones numbers he used to call OW. He told me about one email contact in Oct. initiated by OW. But it was brief and they went to NC after that. No contact since then.
WH has been doing a lot of helpful things, including helping with kids and planing future vacations. The only thing is that he couldn't initiate any affection to me. Not even a hug or kiss. I initiated all the time and he was gradually getting better at receiving those. On my birthday a week ago, he gave me a beautiful neckless that I love.
Things seemed to falling into places...
But no real affections from his side. I had been doing OK with plan A, except that once a month I would blow up...It runs like a clock.
Last night everything went so smooth and nice and we were loooking forward to our spring break vacation with our close family friends. After we went to bed, I tried to hug him from behind and he said it's not comfortable...I felt so rejected that it hurt terribly. I couldn't sleep and asked him to help me sleep by holding me...And he did so reluctantly and I felt worse...So finally the blow out came...I told him to please find an apartment and leave...I told him how disappointed I was about him not able to help me heal from him...I told him how all these years I felt he was not caring about me and the kids (which was what I felt at that time, but thinking more clearly now, it's not true)...I said some hurtful things about him...He got angry of course, but not terrible angry as other times...
This morning we talked a little and he sounded a little remote but not terrible angry either...I am very calm, which surprise me a lot. I don't think I really want him to leave. I told him also that part of me wanted him to leave and part of me want him to stay and I'm confused. Don't know if he heard me though because he really needed sleep and his work day starts very eary each day and it was not considerate of me to just talk when he needed sleep so desperately...Everytime it was like this. He became uncommunicative when I tried to talk late at night because he said he needed sleep. Everytime after this kind of episode I email or call the next day to apologize, but this time I don't feel like doing that. I haven't called or emailed him yet and he didn't call either. I asked him to try to find a place to stay this weekend...I'm not sure if I really want him to do that and I'm not sure why I said that to him. I just felt so hurt and wanted the hurt to go away and I just wanted to make sure if he would leave if I asked him to I guess. I hate the idea that he stayed out of pity for me and the kids and I said I would be ok if he leaves but I would worry about kids and I won't limite his access to his kids if we separate...
He was afraid that I would kick him out someday I can sense and he kind of convinced himself that I would do this, but I didn't know I was capable of doing this. I told him before that I would never ask for a D. But now I did tell him and I wanted him to leave...
What's wrong with this whole situation and what should I do? I don't think I'm ready for plan B yet and there has been no contact and a lot of improvments, why did I blow up so much good things and why I felt so calm after I did this?
Any help is greatly appreciated. Should I apologize to him again? He said he was tired of being controlled like a puppet, meaning I asked for affection and he gave it to me unwillingly and I talked about separation and then apologizing to him so he never move out, etc, etc...I can see that I'm doing a lot of wrong things, but how do I control my rage when he is not making the right steps to help me heal...
Sorry for the rambling and I truly need help to clarify my mind here...
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1
My story is under this thread...Just a quick summary:
WH had an affair from Jan 06 to July 06. Confessed July 06. Moved out for 2 days and back home. Never was remorseful, but he had been doing a lot of nice things. We felt closer and closer, making plans for the future and taking vacations together. Life was getting normal again. But we never talked about A, couldn't becasue he would be angry and wouldn't participate. Told me he didn't want to stay when we were fighting.
I had been in plan A. He promised NC and was very good at it. We changed all cell phones numbers he used to call OW. He told me about one email contact in Oct. initiated by OW. But it was brief and they went to NC after that. No contact since then.
WH has been doing a lot of helpful things, including helping with kids and planing future vacations. The only thing is that he couldn't initiate any affection to me. Not even a hug or kiss. I initiated all the time and he was gradually getting better at receiving those. On my birthday a week ago, he gave me a beautiful neckless that I love.
Things seemed to falling into places...
But no real affections from his side. I had been doing OK with plan A, except that once a month I would blow up...It runs like a clock.
Last night everything went so smooth and nice and we were loooking forward to our spring break vacation with our close family friends. After we went to bed, I tried to hug him from behind and he said it's not comfortable...I felt so rejected that it hurt terribly. I couldn't sleep and asked him to help me sleep by holding me...And he did so reluctantly and I felt worse...So finally the blow out came...I told him to please find an apartment and leave...I told him how disappointed I was about him not able to help me heal from him...I told him how all these years I felt he was not caring about me and the kids (which was what I felt at that time, but thinking more clearly now, it's not true)...I said some hurtful things about him...He got angry of course, but not terrible angry as other times...
This morning we talked a little and he sounded a little remote but not terrible angry either...I am very calm, which surprise me a lot. I don't think I really want him to leave. I told him also that part of me wanted him to leave and part of me want him to stay and I'm confused. Don't know if he heard me though because he really needed sleep and his work day starts very eary each day and it was not considerate of me to just talk when he needed sleep so desperately...Everytime it was like this. He became uncommunicative when I tried to talk late at night because he said he needed sleep. Everytime after this kind of episode I email or call the next day to apologize, but this time I don't feel like doing that. I haven't called or emailed him yet and he didn't call either. I asked him to try to find a place to stay this weekend...I'm not sure if I really want him to do that and I'm not sure why I said that to him. I just felt so hurt and wanted the hurt to go away and I just wanted to make sure if he would leave if I asked him to I guess. I hate the idea that he stayed out of pity for me and the kids and I said I would be ok if he leaves but I would worry about kids and I won't limite his access to his kids if we separate...
He was afraid that I would kick him out someday I can sense and he kind of convinced himself that I would do this, but I didn't know I was capable of doing this. I told him before that I would never ask for a D. But now I did tell him and I wanted him to leave...
What's wrong with this whole situation and what should I do? I don't think I'm ready for plan B yet and there has been no contact and a lot of improvments, why did I blow up so much good things and why I felt so calm after I did this?
Any help is greatly appreciated. Should I apologize to him again? He said he was tired of being controlled like a puppet, meaning I asked for affection and he gave it to me unwillingly and I talked about separation and then apologizing to him so he never move out, etc, etc...I can see that I'm doing a lot of wrong things, but how do I control my rage when he is not making the right steps to help me heal...
Sorry for the rambling and I truly need help to clarify my mind here...
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